We're on a break, what can and can't he do???

[hopefullove]

let me be the one to say, you're being an idiot.

 

he obviously WASN'T making you happy, and you pushed for "a break".

 

now he agreed to it, and suddenly it isn't what you want.

 

either end the relationship and kick him out so he can "have space", or sit around pining over a guy that clearly doesn't care all that much about you.

 

it's just that simple.

 

You would benefit greatly from reading the book "The 5 Love Languages."

 

You need to understand your love language, you need to understand his, and then you both need to communicate and work together to have your respective needs met.

 

You're speaking Chinese and the issue is that he only understands German.

 

He's showing you love in the way he knows how, and you're saying it's not good enough. That is HIS love language. You're probably also reciprocating incorrectly, and not showing him that you love him in the language HE understands.

 

Also, please don't try to make people who you "want" them to be. That's not love at all. You don't make someone into something you want, you go out and find the person you're compatible with. If he's not making you happy, you're not compatible. And no amount of your nagging, or whining, or crying about it is going to change him. He is who he is. You accept this or you move on.

 

Wow this is great advice.

and how accurate about your chinese/german statement LMAO in more ways than one. LOL.

 

You're right i will look up that book - we do speak different love languages. but we both love each other. We make each other laugh, we have so much fun together. I've never had so much fun with someone, he is truly my best friend. We spend so much time with each other, in our tiny 1 bedroom, things got tense. I realize now, i need to love him as he is. He was always saying that, that the quicker i realize he is the way he is, the happier i will be LOL. He makes me very very happy by being who he is. I was so fixated on who he COULD be. a better version of himself, something that wasnt real. But i love him a lot, and took him for granted. HE would always be the one running to me after work giving me hugs, and the first to text me, leave me love notes with breakfast he would leave me. HE s' great. just have to deal with his crazies when he is tired/hungry/sleepy. that's all.

[NoMoreJerks]

OP, is the condo your own? If so, why are you even renting a place to move into? Let him deal with that himself -- he should be the one moving out of your condo, not you?!?!

[Mme. Chaucer]

So, what is the actual truth here? This:

 

the problem is that i was the one who kept telling him i didnt want to be with him, that he was making me miserable, and i realize that i was the one with the problem because of the expectations i wanted from him.

 

Or this:

That if he needs time alone, then i will give him all the time he needs in the world, and will be waiting for him and loving him

 

And, please - explain clearly why you are living with a guy, sleeping in the same bed, aware of his comings and goings and textings, and supposedly ON A BREAK.

 

It sounds like middle school game playing to me.

[Leigh 87]

If he was the love of your life, he would not be able to go and hook up with other women. And then come back to your bed to sleep!!!!!!

 

I can assure you my partner and I have gone through hell, as he has wanted to be with me while I have had serious issues; we have talked about breaks in the past when things were hard, but my god: we would NEVER both be like " yep, we can do what we want":sick:

To my, a break is only legit if a person has mental issues, as I do, where you have a tendency to, say, self sabbotage and affect those you love the most, and you want the chance for therapy.

That is a break; to get well from genuine problems OUTSIDE of your relationship. Issues that then go on to affect your relationship.

 

And most people do not believe in breaks at all; but I do, because I really have been in a predicament where I wanted one.

 

Wow though, break or no break, we still cared about each other far too much to just "be single":sick::sick:

This guy may like you as a person, but he does not really love you, if he would NOT want to be with other women.

[Tree_Salmon]

awww the thing was he cared so much about me. I was just too dense to see it, i kept telling him to get his priorities straight but to me, when he cared for me, i didnt appreciate it because i was used to being loved or cared for in a different way. He is very caring. very affectionate. but he has these temper traits when he is tired or hungry and he snaps. But i learned that if i dont respond to him, he corrects himself. But i am very sensitive and let them bother me A LOT. Where as now i am learning i should be shrugging stuff like that off. I can't change him, but I can change how i react to him. But we love each other very much. I hope it works out and is a better and healthier relationship.

 

You weren't "dense" you just didn't like the whole package and if you guys get back those same issues will bother you over and over again.

 

Save yourself the lengthy divorce and custody battle that awaits you in the possible future. Just move on.

[hopefullove]

If he was the love of your life, he would not be able to go and hook up with other women. And then come back to your bed to sleep!!!!!!

 

I can assure you my partner and I have gone through hell, as he has wanted to be with me while I have had serious issues; we have talked about breaks in the past when things were hard, but my god: we would NEVER both be like " yep, we can do what we want":sick:

To my, a break is only legit if a person has mental issues, as I do, where you have a tendency to, say, self sabbotage and affect those you love the most, and you want the chance for therapy.

That is a break; to get well from genuine problems OUTSIDE of your relationship. Issues that then go on to affect your relationship.

 

And most people do not believe in breaks at all; but I do, because I really have been in a predicament where I wanted one.

 

Wow though, break or no break, we still cared about each other far too much to just "be single":sick::sick:

This guy may like you as a person, but he does not really love you, if he would NOT want to be with other women.

 

 

You know what. you're right. he loves me and i know he loves me. Actually i had a long chat with my friend yesterday and she also pointed out he may be just tormenting me to get back at me. He was again texting late last night, again usually he is in bed at 9:30PM and at 11:30PM he was up. I bust in thru the washroom and he is in there texting. And i said, "Dont you have to work tomorrow???" and he said "relax! thats what im trying to figure out"... He has been texting this person over the weekend, and he left our condo in his sweats, and came back, with his time sheets for work. And i didnt think much of it, but it makes sense that this is just some buddy from work, maybe even a superior, if he is using this as a connection to get more work.

 

Because he is not that stupid. not stupid enough to hook up with women and come back into bed with me. because he knows if he does i am done with him and he has a really good thing going and he has been out enough, i mean enough, this guy has dated a lot and is super picky and likes nothing, so he knows what we have is amazing and the best in his life. So actually i feel a lot better. AND if he is that stupid, well, now i know.

[Drseussgrrl]

Sorry but in my opinion breaks are bullsh*t.

 

In relationships you're either moving forward or you're moving away from each other. None of this ambiguous stuff where you're sorta together but can do what you want while you figure it out.

 

I didn't read through your thread but that's my opinion.

[carhill]

Part of the rubber band of youth. Saw it a lot in my 20's, mainly from women on 'breaks' who would snap to me, use me for a little validation, then snap back to the guy the 'loved' who they hated when they left but missed later. Part of life I guess.

[hopefullove]

Really?? Well if you think this man still loves you, he shouldn't be tormenting you. Honestly though, you wanted a break, stop acting like a shrew. If he does still love you, he won't for long. Busting into the bathroom?? WTH? You're going to turn this break into a break up very quickly if you don't pull yourself together a bit.

 

well i knocked first.

plus he does the same to me when im in the bath.

need to get that door a lock.

but he does like annoying people for fun. its a strange trait.

I am calm now! It took him to say it was for work to have it all come together for me.

[geegirl]

I am calm now! It took him to say it was for work to have it all come together for me.

 

Love does blind you.

 

Texting through the night. Texting on the weekends. It's work?

 

My ex would text up a storm. He used to say it was work. I believed him. He used to live down the street from me and I had a key to his place.

 

Final result: He was texting other women and taking women to his home, even with me down the street, even with me having a key, even with me having a clear view of his driveway. Don't always believe what people say, especially when it's behavior that doesn't really seem right or sit well with you.

[hopefullove]

Hi Gang.

Well I have went all of yesterday with NC with my live in ex boyfriend. LOL!

I went to go get my hair done so by the time i came home, he was asleep. And he didn't text me at all. The day before, I went for coffee with a gf, and he was texting me to ask me where i went and i just ignored him. Today, I again have dinner plans, and tomorrow I have dinner plans with friends. I'm going to get fat. LOL. But either he has something else going on or not, he is being an idiot. I understand that if we can't make it work now, then it's better to have it end now, than in 5 years. However after a talk with my gf, she said that, all of our emotions, heightened emotions from falling in love are now settling, and everything that I have been expecting from him, for that same feeling, isn't going to be the same, and if i keep expecting him to be the same guy I met, Im going to go insane.

 

It's funny. He still makes me breakfast in the morning. What do you think? Every day, he is still leaving me breakfast before he leaves for work.

[hopefullove]

I just found this article. i found it VERY enlightening

 

 

Respecting a Man's Space

Tips for Women Who Love Men

Respecting A Man's Space

[Mme. Chaucer]

This whole thing is bogus. Break up or be together. If you break up, KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT. If you remain together, grow up and show some respect for his privacy and personal space, while at the same time having self respect and boundaries.

 

This sounds like a pair of 14 year olds playing house.

[hopefullove]

This whole thing is bogus. Break up or be together. If you break up, KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT. If you remain together, grow up and show some respect for his privacy and personal space, while at the same time having self respect and boundaries.

 

This sounds like a pair of 14 year olds playing house.

 

You make it sound really easy to kick someone out of your apartment if they don't want to go. What am i suppose to do, call the police, call his mom, you guys are ridiculous youre not even in the situation. and that doesnt cause even more drama. Seriously like its that easy. I would love for you to be in the situation when someone says you guys are broken up, and is then notice changes in his behavior, yet still wants to sleep in the same bed. Yeah thats not gonna drive you crazy. Seriously, its a 500SF condo. its a fricking shoe box. your opinion is not valid.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You make it sound really easy to kick someone out of your apartment if they don't want to go. What am i suppose to do, call the police, call his mom, you guys are ridiculous youre not even in the situation. and that doesnt cause even more drama. Seriously like its that easy. I would love for you to be in the situation when someone says you guys are broken up, and is then notice changes in his behavior, yet still wants to sleep in the same bed. Yeah thats not gonna drive you crazy. Seriously, its a 500SF condo. its a fricking shoe box. your opinion is not valid.

 

Of course I'm not in the situation. It is a ridiculous situation and would not be acceptable to me for ONE DAY.

 

If you don't have the maturity to be able to break up with a boyfriend, you don't have the maturity to have a serious relationship. And certainly not to be living together.

 

What a mess.

[carhill]

Regarding the apartment/condo thing, it's pretty easy, presuming unmarried state and BF not being a co-signer of the lease/co-owner of the condo. I could have him locked out in 30 minutes and do it all myself. It would be a combination of certified letter to him along with rekeying the locks and notifying the HOA, if he was listed as an occupant. Legal and done. Usually it doesn't come to that, as most people do not want to be where they're not wanted, but some people are persistent, so stronger measures are available, up to and including TRO's and/or armed encounters. There's always a solution. All one has to do is want it. What do you want?

[hopefullove]

Regarding the apartment/condo thing, it's pretty easy, presuming unmarried state and BF not being a co-signer of the lease/co-owner of the condo. I could have him locked out in 30 minutes and do it all myself. It would be a combination of certified letter to him along with rekeying the locks and notifying the HOA, if he was listed as an occupant. Legal and done. Usually it doesn't come to that, as most people do not want to be where they're not wanted, but some people are persistent, so stronger measures are available, up to and including TRO's and/or armed encounters. There's always a solution. All one has to do is want it. What do you want?

 

Hmmmm.

Ok I don't want it to get to that point of course cus that's very drastic and irreversible. Before he moved in, he was at his parents, he still has a room so if he really wanted to leave and have his space, he could, but his refusal to go anywhere says to me he really doesn't want to go. I said to him, this is really hard to give you space considering the limited physical space we do have. He said when he is mad/tired/angry he just wants to be alone. His token of leaving me breakfast every morning also shows me he cares. So the only part of him saying we are broken Up, is him saying we are broken up, well and not telling me who he was texting but now I do think it's work related. I've seen him text back and forth late at night to figure out what job he was going to the next day. He always said how long he searched for to find me, he was the kinda guy who set up 5 dates in a day, to meet the right person, and he said he fell in love with me right away. Everything tells me he's serious about me, like how I really wanted him to meet my family, he came with me, 3 nights, $700 plane ticket, to meet my family, he was a tired miserable wreck, but if a man didn't love me, he wouldn't do that, that was a month and a half ago.

 

He was engaged before we met, moved to a diff country, quit his job, it didnt work out he said, they were diff ppl and it wasn't what he wanted, and he really regrets it, cus he said he ruined his career, so I think now he is trying to rebuild it, and in that article I posted it said men like to have their affairs taken care of first so they can make quality time for their woman? I know he wants to buy a Place and said he has to work hard cus I want a palace. (I don't!), I dunno, I feel like he makes decent money but it's not enough... His background he grew up not having a lot (eastern Europe) ... The root of my problem with him is that he wants his way all the time and if I have to bend over backwards to make him happy so I can be happy, I can't do that for the rest of my life. He shows me he loves me, but his temper is frustrating, I realized on this part, rather than tell back at him, I can just ignore his insane self and let him self correct a few moments after sheepishly.

 

I duno these are my theories on why I think he loves me but is stupid.

[veggirl]

Geez.

 

This relationship is doomed. Even if you do get back together, it will be more of this jacked up cycle. You guys can't even TALK, you don't even know what is going on in your relationship. That says enough. This is what you want to be dealing with? And what happened to the "guest suite"?

[hopefullove]

Geez.

 

This relationship is doomed. Even if you do get back together, it will be more of this jacked up cycle. You guys can't even TALK, you don't even know what is going on in your relationship. That says enough. This is what you want to be dealing with? And what happened to the "guest suite"?

 

I told him I was getting a guest suite, and he said dOnt, that's a waste of money. It's not even his money! It's so strange, if he wanted alone time, it would be perfet for him. I said I can't stay around watching him text cus I think he met someone and he said, relax, calm down, you're over thinking things. So I said ok. I now think it might be work related so I'm more calm. He has issues communicating for sure, I asked his married brother, he says the men in their family are like that, when feelings come out hey go quiet for a while so just give him time.

[geegirl]

I told him I was getting a guest suite, and he said dOnt, that's a waste of money. It's not even his money! It's so strange, if he wanted alone time, it would be perfet for him. I said I can't stay around watching him text cus I think he met someone and he said, relax, calm down, you're over thinking things. So I said ok. I now think it might be work related so I'm more calm. He has issues communicating for sure, I asked his married brother, he says the men in their family are like that, when feelings come out hey go quiet for a while so just give him time.

 

What would happen if out of the blue, you asked him to show you those text messages to try and ease your mind since the situation isn't really providing any sense of security for you. Check his reaction. Rather than just blindly believing the "relax, calm down, you're over thinking things." He dismisses you and then continues to do what he knows affects you. If he cared about your concerns, he'd try to alleviate them.

[flitzanu]

after skimming the last page you just sound like a drama queen and you don't actually want to break up with him, and i figure he's even cheated and you know about it, and still keep him around.

 

you're never kicking him out and you're not breaking up with him, so good luck with all that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

you live together but are on a break. That doesn't work. this is the guy who just started contributing to household expenses too, right?

 

Look, relationships don't generally go forward by taking steps back. A break after only 8 months is a huge RED FLAG, why are you ignoring that? He needs to MOVE OUT because you guys are not together.

 

Besides, why didn't you clarify BEFORE going on a "break" what the terms of it would be?

 

Even without the break … you pay for everything, you do all the housework, he works all the time (before the break - now evidently he has extra time for extracurricular activities after work) he has anger issues, he is a big leech.

 

Anyway, you just want to maintain your fantasy. Good luck with it. But I wonder why you have even posted all this crap about how completely sick and miserable the guy AND your relationship is with him? Did you really think that some people would say something like, "oh golly, it really sounds awesome"?

 

Nope.

 

But, carry on as you are.

[hopefullove]

after skimming the last page you just sound like a drama queen and you don't actually want to break up with him, and i figure he's even cheated and you know about it, and still keep him around.

 

you're never kicking him out and you're not breaking up with him, so good luck with all that.

 

Ummm no I don't know he cheats on me and I don't think he has. He's home everyday and only came home late on saturday. He works a 10 sometimes 12 hour shift of hard manual labour, when he comes home he's passed out in 2 hours so he doesn't have the energy to cheat on me. Maybe you should have read the whole thing. He was frustrating me to the point where I wanted to break up with him, and he was stressed out from work, never was there a part where there was another person or we didn't love eac other

[flitzanu]

Ummm no I don't know he cheats on me and I don't think he has. He's home everyday and only came home late on saturday. He works a 10 sometimes 12 hour shift of hard manual labour, when he comes home he's passed out in 2 hours so he doesn't have the energy to cheat on me. Maybe you should have read the whole thing. He was frustrating me to the point where I wanted to break up with him, and he was stressed out from work, never was there a part where there was another person or we didn't love eac other

 

oh no i read from the beginning. but you're slowly turning into psycho paranoid girlfriend, watching and knowing his text habits, busting into the bathroom to find him texting and questioning it...you're developing quite the mistrust.

 

either you've always had this mistrust, or you have more of a reason to mistrust him than just this "break LOL" that you keep mentioning, which isn't a break, it's just you two avoiding the issue and ignoring each other.

 

just sayin.

[geegirl]

Before he moved in, he was at his parents, he still has a room so if he really wanted to leave and have his space, he could, but his refusal to go anywhere says to me he really doesn't want to go. I said to him, this is really hard to give you space considering the limited physical space we do have. He said when he is mad/tired/angry he just wants to be alone. His token of leaving me breakfast every morning also shows me he cares.

 

Of course he doesn't want to move out. It's a sweet deal living in your place. He gets all the perks and he doesn't even have to be in a relationship with you. After all that, do you actually think he would want to go back and live with his parents? Let's be realistic.

 

My ex used to make me breakfast, bring me tea, get my favorite chocolate muffins, stock up on my jalapeno peanuts but he was cheating on me. Making breakfast just isn't enough. O rmaybe he makes it to keep you quiet and not expect more. And it's working. You show him that you really don't need any effort to keep you where you are.