hopefullove Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Hi! I posted earlier, but need diff advice, after a lot of fighting with my bf, he decided we should take a break. It's past week 2, and I've noticed that he is texting someone a lot lately. We have been together for 8 months and I haven't met any of his friends, only his family. Since we've been together he went out once when his best friend came to visit. Last Saturday he was out til 3, came hOme drunk. And still texting someone. Right now he is non stop texting someone and where as before he would leave his phone out. He'd taking his phone with him everywhere. So I don't know what to think. He says we are not together right now because we were in the midst of killing each other and he has to sort things out. I tried to look at his phone yesterday and got a close up view but my eyes were out of focus so I saw nothing. He's obvious about his texting, maybe I can't see anything so he holds his phone up. But we're on a break, living together? He said he is single until he sorts this out and that he loves me but I'm really questioning things more. If he found a new buddy to text, do guys seriously text this much??? We have a no touching rule right now, I dunno what he wants. I asked him if he really meant he was single????? He told me to get ahold of myself. Later he texted me in convo that he's not a whore but who is he texting all the time? I know it's not his brother.
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I thought that in a break you take time apart - and that when you are broken up, you can see other people. so i am not sure if i need to ask him to specify what we are? He has said that we can do whatever we want. Then i may be going through this the wrong way, because where as i am trying to be the better person for our relationship, it doesnt seem like he is changing, and i am giving him an even better situation because i am doing all the relationship things, and he is doing nothing. and calls me roommate.
KatZee Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 If you need a break after not even one year of dating, there's a problem. I don't believe in breaks. You're either together, and working on problems, or you're single. Since neither of you is working on anything, I'd say he's single and he's free to do whatever he wants. But above poster is right, you can't control what he does. And since he's saying both of you can do whatever you want, believe that he considers himself fully single. And you should too. 1
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I think i realized a lot of things during this break. I have been trying to get him to live up to my expectations of who i think he should be, and it hasnt been working, and i just keep getting angrier and more frustrated. I finally apologized to him this morning about it. It wasn't fair because in his own way he shows me love and affection, but i wanted to see it the way I was used to, and i think belittling the love he showing me. I hurt him a lot, saying hurtful things to him, that i didnt even pay attention to, because i thought they were justified. and it took me all this time to stop looking at him for blame but to look at myself. I realize finally that i can't change it, and i have been trying to get him to change for so long, thinking if i talked enough to him he would change, i can only change myself, and make the way i react to him work in a way that we can still keep the peace. I have been studying his behavior and noticing how he works. If i can understand him more, we can be happier. Well i have said this to him. I hope we can work it out.
flitzanu Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 break? "a break" = "breakup". "i want to be on break" = "i want to bang other people" it's pretty simple, but regardless, "on break" means you are split up. 2
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 i guess i am confused cus i really pushed him to make this break. I kept saying to him i want to break up i want to break up quit a bit. and finally he said, i want a break from u. the worst part we are still living together and sharing a bed. If he is that low to be doing anything with other women while we share a bed that is MESSED UP! and none of you think he is doing this to clear his head. he said to me today that until he can get rid of the anger he has for me, he needs space.
pteromom Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 If he is that low to be doing anything with other women while we share a bed that is MESSED UP! What's messed up is that you are still sharing a bed with him when he has point blank told you that he considers himself single and will do whatever he wants to do. If he isn't already doing something with other women, he's well on his way to it. So it should be no surprise when it happens, no matter how messed up it seems to you. I would be finding a solution to getting out of the same bed and house, and move on yourself. 1
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I just texted him that - that even tho we are broken up, if he is sleeping with other people and then coming home and sharing a bed with me, it is very messed up. And that I will give him space. luckily my condo has an affordable guest suite that i will check into next week for 5 nights. It is probably not enough time, but good time enough for now.
flitzanu Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 and also what's messed up is if you're still sleeping with him while you're "on a break" (broken up). so don't be doing that.
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 im not even sure if i can stomach what his response will be - if he wants to move out now. then i know its really over. so i guess then i know.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 You CANNOT be "on a break" and live together. 1
veggirl Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 you live together but are on a break. That doesn't work. this is the guy who just started contributing to household expenses too, right? Look, relationships don't generally go forward by taking steps back. A break after only 8 months is a huge RED FLAG, why are you ignoring that? He needs to MOVE OUT because you guys are not together. Besides, why didn't you clarify BEFORE going on a "break" what the terms of it would be?
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 his clarified "break" as being single and doing whatever we want. I dont think i wanted to believe he would be like this. Now he is saying he just needs space. So i am not sure. I obviously misjudged his character.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Besides, why didn't you clarify BEFORE going on a "break" what the terms of it would be? Definitely. This is something that needs to be defined between the people, not considered after the fact on an Internet forum. But that's beside the point. No break can happen when you are living together. Part of a break (which, btw, I don't even understand - when I was a youngun, people were together or broken up) is NOT even knowing what time somebody gets home, or his texting patterns, or ANYTHING. It's none of your business.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Definitely. This is something that needs to be defined between the people, not considered after the fact on an Internet forum. But that's beside the point. No break can happen when you are living together. Part of a break (which, btw, I don't even understand - when I was a youngun, people were together or broken up) is NOT even knowing what time somebody gets home, or his texting patterns, or ANYTHING. It's none of your business. A "break" is a bullsh*t way of someone playing games with another person. This never turns out well in the long run. Just a big waste of time. The topic here shouldn't be what you're allowed to do during a break, it should be "why do i want to be with a person who doesn't really want to be with me?" 2
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I think it is fair i have asked him to clarify what he means by this break. That if he needs time alone, then i will give him all the time he needs in the world, and will be waiting for him and loving him, however if he wants to be with other people, then he should let me know because i love him and it is very hard for me, to be in this situation where i am his ex-gf in this strange situation..
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 A "break" is a bullsh*t way of someone playing games with another person. This never turns out well in the long run. Just a big waste of time. The topic here shouldn't be what you're allowed to do during a break, it should be "why do i want to be with a person who doesn't really want to be with me?" the problem is that i was the one who kept telling him i didnt want to be with him, that he was making me miserable, and i realize that i was the one with the problem because of the expectations i wanted from him. I hope he is understanding in that, if i have to watch him text in the middle of the night, and come home late, under the understanding that "he can do whatever he wants"... it is quite disconcerting to me, and something that will be very hard for me to handle and no sane woman can really handle that. I am awaiting his response.
veggirl Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I just texted him that - that even tho we are broken up, if he is sleeping with other people and then coming home and sharing a bed with me, it is very messed up. And that I will give him space. luckily my condo has an affordable guest suite that i will check into next week for 5 nights. It is probably not enough time, but good time enough for now. YOU are going to check into the guest suite? Even though you guys live in YOUR condo?! No, no no no no no. Tell HIM to check into the guest suite. Do you want him sleeping with other girls in your bed, in your condo, while you are down the hall in some guest suite?! 2
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Well part of the convo this morning, is me telling him i need to work on myself. never had any trust issues with him. except now he considers himself single, so he can do whatever he wants, and although i always trusted you 100%, now its a different story because technically he can do whatever he wants. And if he has it in his character to invite girls to sleep in MY BED. well then I DONT EVEN WANNA BE WITH HIM. but if he is truly using this time to be alone, then i will give him all the time he wants to sort this out.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 This all sound like you are prolonging the inevitable end of this relationship. You are NOT going to change him and he will never be the guy you want. You are just wasting time. 1
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I asked him for clarification. I said i think he met someone new already, and i've never seen him stay up late to text someone except when we first met. And i said i was going to rent a suite for a week. He said it was a waste of money. that i need to calm down. And chill out and get off his case. I said, but you said you can do whatever you want? and he said, Cus i can! But he said i need to stop over thinking things. i said ok. he said thank you. and called me by my pet name.
flitzanu Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 let me be the one to say, you're being an idiot. he obviously WASN'T making you happy, and you pushed for "a break". now he agreed to it, and suddenly it isn't what you want. either end the relationship and kick him out so he can "have space", or sit around pining over a guy that clearly doesn't care all that much about you. it's just that simple.
carhill Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 We're on a break, what can and can't he do??? Absent a specific agreement: Can = everything Can't = nothing Your partnership is currently ended. There is no expectation of monogamy nor fidelity unless otherwise proactively agreed to by the parties. Cohabitation should cease. Having clear boundaries in such instances promotes psychological health. Good luck. 1
KatZee Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I think i realized a lot of things during this break. I have been trying to get him to live up to my expectations of who i think he should be, and it hasnt been working, and i just keep getting angrier and more frustrated. I finally apologized to him this morning about it. It wasn't fair because in his own way he shows me love and affection, but i wanted to see it the way I was used to, and i think belittling the love he showing me. I hurt him a lot, saying hurtful things to him, that i didnt even pay attention to, because i thought they were justified. and it took me all this time to stop looking at him for blame but to look at myself. I realize finally that i can't change it, and i have been trying to get him to change for so long, thinking if i talked enough to him he would change, i can only change myself, and make the way i react to him work in a way that we can still keep the peace. I have been studying his behavior and noticing how he works. If i can understand him more, we can be happier. Well i have said this to him. I hope we can work it out. You would benefit greatly from reading the book "The 5 Love Languages." You need to understand your love language, you need to understand his, and then you both need to communicate and work together to have your respective needs met. You're speaking Chinese and the issue is that he only understands German. He's showing you love in the way he knows how, and you're saying it's not good enough. That is HIS love language. You're probably also reciprocating incorrectly, and not showing him that you love him in the language HE understands. Also, please don't try to make people who you "want" them to be. That's not love at all. You don't make someone into something you want, you go out and find the person you're compatible with. If he's not making you happy, you're not compatible. And no amount of your nagging, or whining, or crying about it is going to change him. He is who he is. You accept this or you move on.
Author hopefullove Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 let me be the one to say, you're being an idiot. he obviously WASN'T making you happy, and you pushed for "a break". now he agreed to it, and suddenly it isn't what you want. either end the relationship and kick him out so he can "have space", or sit around pining over a guy that clearly doesn't care all that much about you. it's just that simple. awww the thing was he cared so much about me. I was just too dense to see it, i kept telling him to get his priorities straight but to me, when he cared for me, i didnt appreciate it because i was used to being loved or cared for in a different way. He is very caring. very affectionate. but he has these temper traits when he is tired or hungry and he snaps. But i learned that if i dont respond to him, he corrects himself. But i am very sensitive and let them bother me A LOT. Where as now i am learning i should be shrugging stuff like that off. I can't change him, but I can change how i react to him. But we love each other very much. I hope it works out and is a better and healthier relationship.
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