First experience of an A

[danilove]

Hi - I've been reading these forums for the last month or so having recently become involved in an A, it was accidental I had no plans or intentions to do so but I also have no plans or intentions to end it. I know it will end eventually but I don't see why I should stop something that we both enjoy until we have to? We haven't had this discussion yet and I know I need to speak to him about it but I just needed to get it out of my system, what should I expect? Contact wise, emotions wise? How long do I have before it gets too far? What am I "allowed" to expect from the relationship if I can call it that? I justw anted to talk to someone who has been in the same situation. Thanks in advance.

[whichwayisup]

Just my 2 cents..My opinion, not a judgement.

 

You're making a big mistake by choosing this. It's no accident, an accident is something out of your control - Starting an affair is a choice.

 

This path you're on is going to hurt you in the long run and isn't healthy for you either. BUT, it seems you're going to do what you're going to do..

 

Accept that it's just an affair. Have no expectations, and don't rely on him too much. Get used to being second fiddle..Meaning, seeing him on his terms and time frame as time goes along. Don't expect or hope to see him when you want to see him. Shield your heart. His family comes first, reguardless of what he says about his wife and their marriage, chances of him leaving and divorcing are really slim to none.

 

you need to ask yourself why you are letting an affair happen, why you are putting yourself in the line of fire.

 

This isn't a situation you can be proud of, or introduce him as your boyfriend. You'll be a secret, hidden and eventually you'll lessen your moral compass to be with him..You may even do and say things you normally wouldn't do to justify staying in the affair.

 

This isn't just about you and your desires - Think about his wife and kids.. Imagine you being married and your husband sneaking off to be with another woman behind your back. Imagine that pain and betrayal. Imagine your father cheating on your mother - If you can't picture yourself married and your H doing this to you.. I'm sure you would be unhappy, sad and feel hurt, betrayed ..

 

Anyway, it doesn't seem serious yet so i really hope you take the time to read in this section and also in the infidelity section as well so you can see what you're against and to see what damage an affair does to the MM's family.

[MissBee]

Hi - I've been reading these forums for the last month or so having recently become involved in an A, it was accidental I had no plans or intentions to do so but I also have no plans or intentions to end it. I know it will end eventually but I don't see why I should stop something that we both enjoy until we have to? We haven't had this discussion yet and I know I need to speak to him about it but I just needed to get it out of my system, what should I expect? Contact wise, emotions wise? How long do I have before it gets too far? What am I "allowed" to expect from the relationship if I can call it that? I justw anted to talk to someone who has been in the same situation. Thanks in advance.

 

 

What do you need to speak to him about? If you know it will end, what discussion needs to be had? You should just accept that it is temporary and that if and when the time comes (like a dday) you're going to have to end things.

 

Do you have feelings for him or is it only sexual? If you have feelings, you can expect that as time goes by you will fall more and more in love and perhaps feel more conflicted and frustrated when the A constraints start to weigh on you. In the beginning it's usually foot loose and fancy free...but as you become emotionally attached (which usually happens) it becomes a very serious business with real emotions involved.

 

What do you mean how long do you have before it gets too far?

 

Ahh you can talk to him about what you're allowed to expect. What do you want out of this? Fun times? A boyfriend? That also determines your expectations, investment level and the disaster potential.

[pteromom]

Ahh you can talk to him about what you're allowed to expect.

 

I wouldn't talk to HIM about it. After all, he has already proven himself to be a liar (he's cheating on his wife, right?). So as Dr. Phil says, you should assume any time his lips are moving, he is lying.

 

You need to protect yourself in this. If you are finding yourself becoming emotionally attached, I'd probably end it now so it doesn't hurt more than it has to.

 

If it is just about sex, you just need to think about whether you are making choices that truly align with your values. If you feel ok with what you are doing, proceed with caution. If you don't feel ok with it, make the cut and move on.

[2sunny]

What to expect?

 

Expect to feel second or third in line.

Expect to feel hurt and pain.

 

 

Want more for yourself - you deserve the best - thats not what he can offer you.

 

 

Never settle!

[danilove]

I know its not right what I'm doing, I didn't plan it, it just happened. I tend not to try think about his wife or kids I've asked him not to talk about them to me, I know its not ok but to me if I don't think about them I don't feel so bad. As to what I'm looking for I'm not sure at first I really liked him then he told me about his wife so I tried to back out but found I couldn't so agreed to carry on (in my head it was just sexual) but I've realised its not. We try to have rules so it doesn't get out of hand but he continues to break them which makes it harder for me to try and stay emotionally detached. I know I should stop while its still early (we met in feb, dated till july when I found out about W/Kids, our new arrangemnt has been going since August) but then I keep stopping myself with the thought, well nothing has gone wrong why stop for no reason?

[danilove]

So you didn't even know he was married for several months?

 

How old are you if you don't mind? How old is he?

 

I didn't know no, he knew I wasn't looking for anything serious he didn't hide it from me it just never came up.

 

I'm 20, he's 38 but it doesn't feel like theres that much of an age difference

[danilove]

No, it did not just happen. You and he fed the thoughts and emotions that led you to this point. Why stop for no reason? Hmm interesting that you would consider hurting his wife and children no reason. How do you feel about the people who impact your life for the worst without your permission and continue to impact your life without regard for what you go through? Just curious.

 

I'm not going to make excuses and defend myself because I agree with everything you say, when I say it just happened I mean its not as if I woke up one day and thought ok today I'm going to start an A. Yes I could of tried harder for it to not happen but I didn't and thats my fault, I can't change what has happened.

 

As he has told me, it's not me who is hurting them it's him and thats something that he has to live with, to me I don't know them and I owe them nothing, I know that doesn't make it ok but it's what I tell myself because no I am not proud of what I am doing but you can't judge me on my poor decisions.

[danilove]

If you know it's wrong, then why are you doing it? Because the thought of ending it petrifies me

 

Also.......you don't want to hear about his wife and kids because if he talks about them, that makes them more real to you, it's easier for you to pretend to yourself that they aren't real people, who will get hurt, right? Yes this is probably right, I know as little as I can about them, I feel awful for them but obviously not awful enough.

 

I have found that when I do things that go against my beliefs of what is right and wrong that it has terrible consequences for me. It leaves one with terrible baggage, that takes years to undo...........if ever.

 

Also......why the hell would you mess with someone who has all that baggage when you are so young and you have tons of single guys to pick from? I mean......life is hard enough, why are you purposefully picking a situation that will cause you pain and cause others pain? Because before I met him I was a commitment phobe, I didn't know about all this stuff in the beginning but whne I found out I was still in the mindset of "I don't want anything more so it's ok" Why are you picking a self destructive relationship? It's self destructive, because you said yourself you know it's wrong. Also he is a lot older than you.........do you have daddy issues? Did you have a healthy relationship with your father? I wouldn't descride myself as having daddy issues but no we don't have a healthy relationship, he has left me to practically raise my younger brother alone with him visiting maybe once or twice a week.

 

Also......stop with the it just happened.....nothing just happens.........you are choosing this. Own it and figure out why you are choosing something that YOU SAID, you know is wrong.

I can't help it, I wish I had a backbone and could stand up for what I thought was right or wrong but I just can't

[Pierre]

Hi - I've been reading these forums for the last month or so having recently become involved in an A, it was accidental I had no plans or intentions to do so but I also have no plans or intentions to end it. I know it will end eventually but I don't see why I should stop something that we both enjoy until we have to? We haven't had this discussion yet and I know I need to speak to him about it but I just needed to get it out of my system, what should I expect? Contact wise, emotions wise? How long do I have before it gets too far? What am I "allowed" to expect from the relationship if I can call it that? I justw anted to talk to someone who has been in the same situation. Thanks in advance.

 

I am not sure the forum veteran OWs will recommend you to be an OW because you are so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Many of the OWs were already married in the past and have lived a full life. But, you are different! You are dedicating your precious youth to this nice man.

 

If you are going to be an OW please do it right.

 

Try to avoid a d-day at all cost by not being demanding. There is such a thing as a happy low maintenance OW.

 

Be faithful. Do not date single men as most cheating men are highly offended by infidelity.

 

Learn how to spend weekends and holidays on your own.

 

Never leave your phone unattended. You need to be on call for that unexpected roll in the hay.

 

Keep yourself pretty and clean at all times. That is what a good OW does. Do not fall into the trap of looking ugly as many wives do.

 

Learn sexual tricks that are not commonly used by married women. This will give you an edge.

 

Always take contraceptives. Pregnancy is a big no no.

 

Do not expect cheating MM to pay for dates. If he spends too much money on you the wife may get suspicious.

 

I suggest you get an affair phone to your guy and put it on your name. In that manner MM can text you and call you more often and the wife will never have acces to the phone bill.

 

Rehearse a lie or alibi in the event the wife finds out who you are and tries to talk to you.

 

I wish you the best.

[Decorative]

I can't help it, I wish I had a backbone and could stand up for what I thought was right or wrong but I just can't

 

You can. You are choosing not to. There is a difference.

 

Why don't you believe you deserve more? The full attention and affection of an unattached man?

 

You are barely older than my daughter, dating a man barely younger than my spouse. Please don't do this. You can have so much more.

[MissBee]

I know its not right what I'm doing, I didn't plan it, it just happened. I tend not to try think about his wife or kids I've asked him not to talk about them to me, I know its not ok but to me if I don't think about them I don't feel so bad. As to what I'm looking for I'm not sure at first I really liked him then he told me about his wife so I tried to back out but found I couldn't so agreed to carry on (in my head it was just sexual) but I've realised its not. We try to have rules so it doesn't get out of hand but he continues to break them which makes it harder for me to try and stay emotionally detached. I know I should stop while its still early (we met in feb, dated till july when I found out about W/Kids, our new arrangemnt has been going since August) but then I keep stopping myself with the thought, well nothing has gone wrong why stop for no reason?

 

 

 

Ahh you usually wanna stop BEFORE it goes wrong...not when shyyt has already hit the fan.

 

Not sure what you'd like to hear. There are women out there who at least sound more confident and seem a little less conflicted about their A- "happy OW". You on the other hand sound conflicted, guilty, in denial of the reality etc. as they come, so I don't see this panning out well for you at all.

 

It's very weird how you're saying you tried to back out but couldn't etc...why couldn't you? Anyway, enjoy it while it lasts. I think you're gonna just have to learn from experience. You have no intention of stopping, you're hoping if you ignore the reality things will somehow work out, you're not really worried about the long run but think why stop now if nothing bad has happened, you seem to allow him to run the show, yet you are also here because I'm sure you know this is a bad idea. When I was the OW, no one could have talked me out of it...but I did what I wanted and owned the possible consequences. I did it until I could no longer do it and dealt with the aftermath and learned some lessons...so it will probably be the same for you.

[MissBee]

I can't help it, I wish I had a backbone and could stand up for what I thought was right or wrong but I just can't

 

Well...maybe that is something you should work on. Going through life without a backbone will get you into a lot of trouble and you will be a lot of people's doormats in all kinds of relationships (romantic or otherwise).

 

You're 20, you're still young. This almost 40 year old man is probably having a field day with you, a self-described spineless woman whom he could talk out of her pants although she knows he is married smh.

 

Dani...have you told any of your friends about this? Maybe they can talk some sense into you. My concern for you is not even the A, so much as your mentality that you have no backbone and seem to be a passive person who is afraid to make choices for herself but allows things to just happen. I absolutely dislike this quality in people and think people do themselves a great disservice when they hand over their power to whomever, because they don't even realize they have power to dictate their lives. I'd really work on becoming a stronger person. This will help you in the future. Are you in college? If so, schools normally have some discounted or free counseling and you could probably work with someone on your self-esteem, self-worth and confidence issues. This could help you to gain some assertiveness which will be priceless and then hopefully it spills over into you seeing this situation with new eyes.

[danilove]

Dani...have you told any of your friends about this? Maybe they can talk some sense into you. My concern for you is not even the A, so much as your mentality that you have no backbone and seem to be a passive person who is afraid to make choices for herself but allows things to just happen. I absolutely dislike this quality in people and think people do themselves a great disservice when they hand over their power to whomever, because they don't even realize they have power to dictate their lives. I'd really work on becoming a stronger person. This will help you in the future. Are you in college? If so, schools normally have some discounted or free counseling and you could probably work with someone on your self-esteem, self-worth and confidence issues. This could help you to gain some assertiveness which will be priceless and then hopefully it spills over into you seeing this situation with new eyes.

 

No I haven't told anyone about this I'm too scared of their response. I'm not at college no but I do see a counsellor for seperate reasons, I haven't told him what is going on but he has told me anyway that I am somebody that needs for want of a better term "to be controlled" I've never had any rules or structure in my life so he believes I am constantly looking for someone to set rules for me. I don't know if this has anything to do with what I am doing but I think it probably is a part of it as he is very controlling.

 

bringontherain - its not an excuse, I have no excuses it's just how I can justify it to myself.

 

bentnotbroken - obviously I would prefer things to be different and be able to be public and not hide. But they're not different, that's something I'm having to deal with.

 

Decorative - Every other guy I have been with has been young and single it's not that I haven't tried that, but this just seems to work and feel more right than any other relationship.

[2sunny]

I can't help it, I wish I had a backbone and could stand up for what I thought was right or wrong but I just can't

 

Then YOU are simply the victim of yoursel, your decisions and YOUR actions!

 

And yes, YOU can change that - by making a decision NOT to communicate with him anymore!

 

Work towards being proud of yourself and your actions!

[MissBee]

No I haven't told anyone about this I'm too scared of their response. I'm not at college no but I do see a counsellor for seperate reasons, I haven't told him what is going on but he has told me anyway that I am somebody that needs for want of a better term "to be controlled" I've never had any rules or structure in my life so he believes I am constantly looking for someone to set rules for me. I don't know if this has anything to do with what I am doing but I think it probably is a part of it as he is very controlling.

 

bringontherain - its not an excuse, I have no excuses it's just how I can justify it to myself.

 

bentnotbroken - obviously I would prefer things to be different and be able to be public and not hide. But they're not different, that's something I'm having to deal with.

 

Decorative - Every other guy I have been with has been young and single it's not that I haven't tried that, but this just seems to work and feel more right than any other relationship.

 

Is your dad in your life? What's your relationship like with him?

 

In any case...the more you go on, the more problematic it sounds. There is a clear power imbalance here and the person you're seeing shouldn't be acting like an authority figure and controlling you or "giving you structure". This sounds like a twisted daddy-daughter relationship.

 

I'd suggest you tell your counselor about this situation and hear her/his input.

[Furious]

he has told me anyway that I am somebody that needs for want of a better term "to be controlled" I've never had any rules or structure in my life so he believes I am constantly looking for someone to set rules for me. I don't know if this has anything to do with what I am doing but I think it probably is a part of it as he is very controlling.

 

 

As much as you've had no rules or structure in your life, you do know right from wrong. Just the fact that you're here, is your inner voice fighting for your dignity.

 

You're young, vulnerable, but you do have the power to say no to someone who is taking advantage of you.

[Miss Olivia]

Aside from the fact that this is so unfair to his wife, think about your own well-being. Danilove, all I can say is that it's never too late to do what is right. You are terrified to break it off? Think about how terrified you'll be 6 months from now when you're even more attached. Or think about the possibility of you being the one dumped. If you know it will end, it really is better to do it now. The longer you wait, the worse it will hurt. That's a promise. The feelings will not fade. They will only grow. You will be posting here next year broken hearted. Read some of the "post-affair" posts on here. You have a long way to go. It takes a long time to recover from affairs. Get ready

[whichwayisup]

I know its not right what I'm doing, I didn't plan it, it just happened. I tend not to try think about his wife or kids I've asked him not to talk about them to me, I know its not ok but to me if I don't think about them I don't feel so bad

 

Then why do it?

 

Right now you have a chance to walk away. Before you get hurt, before his wife finds out and confronts you..Yes, that could very well happen.. You prepared for that? Would you tell her 'I didn't plan this, it just happened.'

 

If you DO this, own it. No more 'it was an accident' or 'it just happened.' That's a crock of bull and an excuse. you're a thinking and breathing person who makes choices every single day. Having an affair isn't an accident, it's a planned thing, even more so when efforts (and lies) are made to see each other.

 

You SHOULD think of her. She's his wife and yes, they DO have sex.. Ask him! I'm sure he'll either tell you the truth, 'I plan on continuing to have sex with my wife' or 'we haven't had sex in years..' The latter is the lie..Which I take it you would want to believe. Reality is, she's his wife, they sleep in the same bed, they live life together and yes, they do have sex. If you stay in the A, get used to feeling MORE jealous and hurt as time goes on. You can't ask him to stay away from his wife and not spend time with her.

If you want a healthy and happy relationship and a boyfriend, find a single guy whom you won't have to share.

[Pierre]

Lets face OP was born to be an OW. She is the dream girl of a philandering cheating man.

 

She sounds weak and I seriously doubt she will end the affair until the MM gets tired of using her for sex.

[mercy]

No I haven't told anyone about this I'm too scared of their response. I'm not at college no but I do see a counsellor for seperate reasons, I haven't told him what is going on but he has told me anyway that I am somebody that needs for want of a better term "to be controlled" I've never had any rules or structure in my life so he believes I am constantly looking for someone to set rules for me. I don't know if this has anything to do with what I am doing but I think it probably is a part of it as he is very controlling.

 

Please be honest about this affair to your counselor. It's really important for your well-being. Your married man is not looking out for your best interest.

 

When a girl such as yourself has these types of issues you have an aura about yourself that attracts predators and believe me when I tell you this - he is a predator, make no mistake about that. He is using your vulnerabilities against you.

 

Yes, it feels good now but that small voice within you is letting you know something is very wrong about this. And I'm not just talking about the affair. You need to look after yourself because it sounds as if you don't have anyone in your life that does.

[2sunny]

Tell your counselor immediately - you need someone to give you support and guidance to get away from this MM!

 

Is it someone you work for/with? If so, quit tomorrow first thing...no explanation is necessary! You really owe him nothing!

 

Listen to your inner voice/intuition! It's a very useful and powerful guide... And could really save you from a lot of pain and heartache.

 

It's god you're posting here - I'm happy to loan you some of my courage and strength - it took me much longer than you to find mine - but it sure feels good now that I have a backbone, a boundary and a guide that doesn't allow others to treat me the way he's treating you.

 

No one should "control" another person - that's just not right.

 

Learn to say"NO" and say it often when things aren't the way you feel is a good situation for yourself! Practice it until it feels comfortable telling others no - if you can't say no to start with- you can find alternatives to saying it = "Minot ok with that" or "I'm not going along with what you want anymore" or "I'm not diggin' this!" It's all the same but it IS VERY IMPORTANT to have a say and to have a voice by speaking YOUR TRUTH!

 

Stand UP for yourself! No one will do it for you - you need to get to the point where you can depend on yourself to keep YOU safe by having healthy boundaries and having a voice that says how you feel about situations.

 

If you don't like it - don't participate!

 

I believe in you = YOU CAN DO THIS! Hugs!

[ComingInHot]

Danilove:

 

I have read that...

You KNOW the A is wrong.

You simply DON'T think about his Wife or His Children.

You are embarrassed.

You are too humiliated to tell your friends.

You are afraid to tell your Mom & Dad.

You are not continuing your education.

 

You are sharing a married man's penis w/his wife.

You are Stealing mm's time away from his children

You are aiding & abetting in destroying an ENTIRE family.

You are going to reap what you sow.

 

You can expect serious collateral damage. From his Wife, his children, your parents, your "friends" and most of all yourself.

 

Is it worth it? I guess you will find out...

 

I know the difficulty w/all of this & I've got sympathy for all involved in messy affairs. Please for your own sanity, walk away now w/your head heald high instead of your tail between your legs.

Kind wishes!

[skywriter]

Danilove:

 

I have read that...

You KNOW the A is wrong.

You simply DON'T think about his Wife or His Children.

You are embarrassed.

You are too humiliated to tell your friends.

You are afraid to tell your Mom & Dad.

You are not continuing your education.

 

You are sharing a married man's penis w/his wife.

You are Stealing mm's time away from his children

You are aiding & abetting in destroying an ENTIRE family.

You are going to reap what you sow.

 

You can expect serious collateral damage. From his Wife, his children, your parents, your "friends" and most of all yourself.

 

Is it worth it? I guess you will find out...

 

I know the difficulty w/all of this & I've got sympathy for all involved in messy affairs. Please for your own sanity, walk away now w/your head heald high instead of your tail between your legs.

Kind wishes!

 

Expect this.......

 

....and let's not forget how you, being the OW, regardless ,of who persued who, and or who claims to love who, and so forth. You get to wear the scarlet letter.

 

The MM, well, he may get a spank on the hand, have to do some straight and narrow walking for a while, but you......yikes!

 

You'll be, let's see, "the skank", "homewrecker, "whore that couldn't find a single guy"!Just a bit of a taste, you get the idea, though.

Edited October 16, 2012 by skywriter

[JamesM]

Because before I met him I was a commitment phobe.

 

I can't help it, I wish I had a backbone and could stand up for what I thought was right or wrong but I just can't

 

First, I would propose that you STILL are a commitment-phobe. Being with this guy eliminates the need to be committed. I am not judging you for being in an affair and unlike many here, I am not in one nor have been in one. But as a guy who has thought about an affair, I can say you are playing with fire and the ending will not be pleasant.

 

Second, you do have a backbone, and you can choose to do what is right. I think that you are enjoying this affair and simply don't WANT to leave it. And why should you at this point? I agree. It is still fun and "no one is getting hurt." Yet you know someone is...which is why the thought of discussing his wife and kids is not pleasant.

 

Third, I disagree with some that he is lying if he says his wife and him are not having sex. It is quite possible that you do fill a void in his marriage. It very well could be that they no longer have sex. However, the question then is..why are they not having sex, and how is this affair fixing that problem? Fact is...you are in the way of him fixing his marriage and are a way for him to avoid fixing it. I know..he was having problems before he met you. Probably true.

 

Fourth, you only got involved because he had problems in his marriage, but until you get out of his life, his marriage will remain a bad one. My guess is that you would never get involved if he was in a happy marriage. I also think that if you actually met his wife and kids that you would be more sympathetic to them and less sympathetic to him. And while you think it is fun now, what does the future hold?

 

Fifth, let's assume that he leaves his wife and there is only a little disruption. DO you want a commitment with him? Do you want to be with a man who "forgot" to tell you that he had a wife and children for six months? DO you want a husband who can so easily not mention the person he once thought was the best thing in his life? Do you want a man who as a father can not speak of them to someone for six months? Do you honestly think he would treat you any differently?

 

In a few months, how will you feel when he discards you?

 

 

 

And above, do you really think you can trust him? I do believe that you love him. I also think that you love the feelings that he brings out in you. He makes you feel happy and secure. He makes you laugh. He is more attentive to your sexual needs than the many young guys you have met. He wants you to be happy, because this makes him happy. But after of all of this....how can you trust him knowing what he is doing to his wife?

 

By the way, when you are 38, then he will be 56. When you are 45, then he will be 63. When you are still young and vivacious and ready to party, then he will want to sit but the fire and watch football.

 

My suggestion is to leave while you can. There is nothing but hurt and sadness and disappointment down the road you are currently travelling. As a young woman who should be look forward to the future with excitement, I think that this is going to be a stumbling block to that happy future.

 

As a MM who is older than 38, I would (kinda) love having a 20 year old woman think of me as you do him, but honestly, I would feel guilty of ruining your life and future...even though you don't realize it.