looking for a fresh perspective

[san andreas fault]

So here is my story. Hoping someone can give me their take on the situation. I have been married to the same girl for 13 yrs now. We have three children together and have been through alot. Never fought and always got along great. Everything seemed perfect and as far as I knew we were both happy. about 2 years ago an old friend came back into my life. He and his girlfriend began hanging out with us alot. He was having problems with his now ex and confided in my wife. They began texting alot which in the end led to a breakup with his girlfriend (she didn't like that they were so close). Once she was out of the picture my wife and him started to hang out more and more. I did not have a problem with it at the time because I trusted her. Then one night my wife told me that she was no longer attracted to me and wasn't sure if she wanted to be together anymore. Apparently she has had these feelings for a couple years now. She wants to be single and independant and refuses to go to couseling or work on our relationship at all. When I questioned her friendship with him she said she would be resentful if I made her stop hanging out with him and then proceeded to tell me she no longer wanted to be married. I decided to move out because the emotional strain of her not wanting to touch me, or be alone with me was too much, and she thought it would be best also. When I questioned him about there friendship he said that he needed her, that he has no other friends. She says they are just friends but I wonder sometimes. Anyone including me that questioned there friendship has been met with hostility and been vilified. I don't want to give up on her but I wonder if it is worth hanging on. We had been growing distant over the last couple years but I think we could get back what we used to have if we just tried but she refuses. Don't know what to do. I have lost the love of my life and my dreams for the future.

[KathyM]

She's in an emotional affair with your friend. She's in denial about that, but no doubt it is an emotional affair. Possibly a physical one as well, but that remains to be seen. I'd suggest you let her go. You deserve better than her--someone who is invested in you and not some other guy. She wants to separate--let her. You don't need someone who is infatuated with someone else. You shouldn't have to "win back" your wife. She made her choice and wants to separate. Now let her live with that choice.

[hopefullove]

Hello,

I just read your story - Sorry. your wife seems to be very selfish and a big c word.

This is just based on what I am reading. She put the friendship of her and that guy over her husbands? What the hey??? Who does that? She does not have her priorities sorted out, but hey if HE is her priority and not you, there you go. She chose him. Maybe you want to fight and be noble and stuff, but at the moment, she doesn't want it with you . I'm sorry, it really sucks cus here you were, being the reasonable trusting guy, who trusted his wife. IF she was not having a relationship with him, she should still put you before that relationship. She's emotionally connected with this guy, and your buddy is pathetic in my opinion to be latching on to somebody's wife as emotional support and not letting that go either cus he has nobody. Nobody is putting you first, so you should put yourself first. I think you should continue to be a good dad to your kids, and you should move on and find someone who loves you for everything, has her head together (maybe she is into him, cus he needs her so much, some girls are into that). and basically have an amazing life, have a new and BETTER love, and an amazing new future!

[san andreas fault]

thanks, this is what everyone who knows of the situation has been telling me but I kept denying the obvious. Good to hear from people that only know the facts. It will be hard to start a new life after 13 years, but i guess thats what i have to do