Kittkat Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Sorry in advance for the long post, if you read it all, kudos to you! I met a guy in my history class just a little over a year ago at my old junior college. We got to know each other and went on a date, but nothing really ever came out of it and after the semester ended our communication slowly faded till we would text maybe once every two weeks or so. Then at the end of this summer he started texting more often and indicated a lot more interest. We met up a few times, both late at night because of his work schedule, and the result is now we are in a relationship together. This was all literally in the week or so before I transfered to a school two hours away, so we have only seen each other a few times since, but we communicate frequently. I will be 20 next month, and he just turned 29. When I first learned his age back when we were still getting to know each other, I admit I was a little concerned, and that is partially why it took so long for us to finally be together. And trust me, I have thought about this A LOT. But I have always had an attraction for guys that are older than me. Part of it is that I am sick of the immaturity of guys closer to my age, since I am pretty mature for mine. Thus far we are very compatible and share lots of the same interests and goals. Some people might worry about his motives being that he is so much older than me, but I have absolutely no reasons to worry. He has treated me far better than I might expect with many guys 5-10 years younger. There are of course a few problems. The main one being the fact that I have not told my parents, or my siblings, or even my friends that we are together. My parents know that I am friends with him and that we text often (text records on the family plan revealed that), but they have never met him or know we are together. The reason I have not told is partially because I am scared they will freak out when they learn that he is 9 years older than me. Each time we see each other, I have to sneak out or tell them I am somewhere else I am very close with my family and I hate having to hide something like this from them, especially when they keep asking about any boys I might like at college. I can't predict what our relationship will look like months or years down the road, but as of right now he means everything to me and I really want him to become more of a part of my life, and that means letting my family know. What is the best way to break the news? Also, when I do, should I let them know that I have been sneaking out to see him already? What should I tell, and what should I not?
HeldbyGravity Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Sorry in advance for the long post, if you read it all, kudos to you! I met a guy in my history class just a little over a year ago at my old junior college. We got to know each other and went on a date, but nothing really ever came out of it and after the semester ended our communication slowly faded till we would text maybe once every two weeks or so. Then at the end of this summer he started texting more often and indicated a lot more interest. We met up a few times, both late at night because of his work schedule, and the result is now we are in a relationship together. This was all literally in the week or so before I transfered to a school two hours away, so we have only seen each other a few times since, but we communicate frequently. I will be 20 next month, and he just turned 29. When I first learned his age back when we were still getting to know each other, I admit I was a little concerned, and that is partially why it took so long for us to finally be together. And trust me, I have thought about this A LOT. But I have always had an attraction for guys that are older than me. Part of it is that I am sick of the immaturity of guys closer to my age, since I am pretty mature for mine. Thus far we are very compatible and share lots of the same interests and goals. Some people might worry about his motives being that he is so much older than me, but I have absolutely no reasons to worry. He has treated me far better than I might expect with many guys 5-10 years younger. There are of course a few problems. The main one being the fact that I have not told my parents, or my siblings, or even my friends that we are together. My parents know that I am friends with him and that we text often (text records on the family plan revealed that), but they have never met him or know we are together. The reason I have not told is partially because I am scared they will freak out when they learn that he is 9 years older than me. Each time we see each other, I have to sneak out or tell them I am somewhere else I am very close with my family and I hate having to hide something like this from them, especially when they keep asking about any boys I might like at college. I can't predict what our relationship will look like months or years down the road, but as of right now he means everything to me and I really want him to become more of a part of my life, and that means letting my family know. What is the best way to break the news? Also, when I do, should I let them know that I have been sneaking out to see him already? What should I tell, and what should I not? When you lie to your loved ones, you're just going to have to lie more and more to cover it up- and that's going to hurt them in the end. Start off by telling your friends about him. Tell your family as well, start off by saying you are really into this guy and you want them to know. If they aren't pleased with you seeing him, don't take it personally- but you're technically an adult, you can see whomever you want. I just went through the same deal. I met a great guy, we talk a lot, and I was worried most about telling my brother. I am 20, my brother is 26.. and the guy I'm interested in is 28. I started off just presenting this guy as he is- by his personality, where he works, etc. Then when he asked his age, I told him. And my brother was a tiny bit weirded out. I told him I was concerned a little about the age difference, but that it doesn't really make a difference with how we interact. And now he is fine with it. My mom was a little hesitant about it, but she can see that he treats me well and that I'm happy. Make sure he can make some sort of impression on your parents so that they see how he acts around you, yeah? It helps to reassure them that you really are fine going out with him, that he won't be the type to pressure an inexperienced woman.
thatone Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I don't think 9 years is that uncommon. Why not just introduce him around without bringing the age up? You don't have to lie if someone asks, but you don't have to volunteer the information either. 4
pteromom Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 20 and 28? No big deal at all. If you were 15 and he was 23, sure, your parents would flip. But you are an adult, so it is no big deal. I wouldn't even bring age up.
suladas Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 It's not a big deal, i'm 23 and dated a 35 year old. My brother and dad met her before we went out, liked her and had nothing bad to say when they found out. My mom wasn't huge on it more so because she has kids, but didn't mind in the end. Her family was more critical of it actually. Because before meeting me she told them my age and none of them were for it everyone said I was too young, but once they met me they were fine with it because they realized I was not a typical 23 year old. Age is just a number, it's a lot more based on maturity. I would introduce them without telling the age first if you can, then tell them after and it likely won't change their view of him.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 My boyfriend is 32 and we've been together two months ( as of this post). As far as my mom is concerned, she knows I'm dating and i made it aware he's treating me well. As long as my dating life does not interrupt my studies and everything else, the age is not an issue. Don't make it one. Judge your boyfriend by his character and how he conducts himself. If he's treating you right, you shouldn't let the age hinder your relationship. As for telling your parents, I would say let it slide for now, but don't lie to your parents if it does come up. Yes, it is a sensitve issue and you should bring it up sensibly.
Quiet Storm Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I have been in a similar situation. My husband is black, and I started dating him when I was fifteen. I kept it secret for months, even though my parents weren't racist. And then one day I just said to myself "Fu(k it. I love this guy, he loves me. I know I want to be with him forever, and in order to be real with the people that I love, I have to tell them." And I did. It doesn't matter what they think about it. What matters is that you are being authentic. You are a grown woman, and can make your own romantic choices. It's not like he is your fathers age. At nine years older, you won't get the "you'll be wiping his butt when you're 35" response. They may say he's using you for sex, or question his motives. Think about your responses ahead of time so that you are prepared. When they tell you how they feel about it, listen. Consider their opinions and their reasoning. Don't be defensive, just explain to them that he is who you have chosen to be with, you understand that they have reservations about him, but he is your boyfriend, whether they like it or not.
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