kiddy Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years tonight. The reason was, that after going for out 7 years, I was still not wanting to buy a house together and not think about marriage or kids. I feel that if things were right, I would be thinking about those things. I also felt that it was unfair on her if I'm just stringing her along especially that I know she would love to start getting serious, even though she didn't put pressure on me. A little backstory... We are both 26, and met when we were both broke students at 19. We have had an amazing relationship, we get on so well, we are best friends, we love each other a lot. When we had problems, we resolved them. If we couldn't resolve them ourselves, we went to a councilor which helped a lot. The last 3 years or it seems she lost her independence and depended on me for a lot of things. This is not because she couldn't do things for herself, I guess it was just easier for me to take care of things. But this then made her feel insecure about herself, and made her think she couldn't do things for herself. Which resulted in a few arguments/problems. ------ The reason I'm writing this post is I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know if my reasoning is valid, or if I'm just taking things for granted and should stick with things. I know a little part of me wants to be single since I haven't really been single since I was 18. But i'd prefer not to be single if it means regretting something for the rest of my life. I thought I would get some kind of relief/positivity after breaking up. But I feel just like garbage, it's 6.30am I haven't slept. Any insight, or feedback would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading. Edited October 15, 2012 by kiddy 1
Mint Sauce Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 difficult one... at 26, I wasn't really thinking house, marriage, kids yet either, in spite of being with my gf for 7 years, like you. She was pushing a bit though. I also remember wondering how life would be as a single guy, meeting new girls, doing manly projects, etc. We ended up separating, but this was more because we had some very fundamental issues as well (it didn't really work in the bedroom). I'd say that without those issues, the separation would have been the biggest mistake in my life...And even with those issues as good reasons to separate, it still took me many years to come to terms with her not being in my life anymore. In your case, think hard. Be honest about your feelings: why aren't you thinking kids etc yet? Because it's too early for you, or because she's not the one?
Author kiddy Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Why don't I want to progress things in the relationship? Hmmm I don't know whether it's because she is not the one, or if I'm just generally scared of that serious level of commitment...that's what I'm massively confused about. I'm not sure how to figure it out.
sendme Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 that is tough... I would say having been the girl left in a similar situation... that as soon as my ex realized what life without me was like he really wanted to get back together, he wanted to try to make it work long distance, but by the time he started coming around I was already dating and regaining some of my independence... and so we drug it out another year, and now this fall... the guy I was dating turned out to be a creep and cheated on me, and the guy I dated for 7 years who left and stuck around while I was dating the other guy, is now broken and shattered... we're both broken and all of our interactions have become sooo toxic.... I wish he'd just walk away... I've stopped reaching out to him a lot and am trying to cut the 'friend' ties... but it's hard.... He said he hesitated to propose for the same reasons you did, he wasn't sure what he wanted... he just thought he would feel ready when the time was right, and a little because he wanted to know what else was out there.... I think the reality is... that if you end this even if its the right thing it will take a long time to adjust to not having her in your life... but if you do end it, then you have to end it completely you have to completely cut her out of your life... there's no being friends after the end of a 6 year relationship at least not right away.... if you think you'll regret it... analyze why... my ex kept saying he didn't want me to be with anyone else... which is absolutely not the same thing as wanting to be with me... so think about it... really picture your life without her.... does she make your life better... is she good to you... every relationship has their own unique struggles, but are yours minor or major?
Author kiddy Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 ^^ Man I'm sorry to hear that, that sounds hard on you. I guess I never expected these feelings from breaking up. I thought I would draw some positivity from it. What I don't think I can do is cut her out from my life, as in not being friends. I know that is unreasonable, it breaks my heart. I feel I might regret it, because we had such a good thing going. I feel I'll never find someone as caring, loving and supporting as her. I feel I might regret losing the best friend I've ever had. She does make my life better, she is great to me. But if I'm not thinking about marriage or kids in the next 5 years or so, isn't that wrong?
Balzac Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Wrong? I don't think so. We can only be who we are. If she cannot wait, she knows how to end it and move on. It sounds as if you have your career started but many guys your age are soon headed to grad school. You've not provided that info. If you're not ready, why are you pressuring yourself?
Author kiddy Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 ^^ The thing is she is not pressuring me. I know it's something she wants to do in future, but she is not nagging me on any of it. I feel like I should be pressuring myself to decide what I want because it's unfair on her, if I leave everything in limbo until one magical day I decide what I want. Honestly, after typing this post and re-reading your post, I'm now extremely confused. You mentioned "If she cannot wait, she knows how to end it and move on". That is very true, why wouldn't I just stay with her and take it a day at a time. No I feel my main point is invalid why I dumped her. I need to sort some clarity out, this is ridiculous.
youngnlove89 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years tonight. The reason was, that after going for out 7 years, I was still not wanting to buy a house together and not think about marriage or kids. I feel that if things were right, I would be thinking about those things. I also felt that it was unfair on her if I'm just stringing her along especially that I know she would love to start getting serious, even though she didn't put pressure on me. A little backstory... We are both 26, and met when we were both broke students at 19. We have had an amazing relationship, we get on so well, we are best friends, we love each other a lot. When we had problems, we resolved them. If we couldn't resolve them ourselves, we went to a councilor which helped a lot. The last 3 years or it seems she lost her independence and depended on me for a lot of things. This is not because she couldn't do things for herself, I guess it was just easier for me to take care of things. But this then made her feel insecure about herself, and made her think she couldn't do things for herself. Which resulted in a few arguments/problems. ------ The reason I'm writing this post is I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know if my reasoning is valid, or if I'm just taking things for granted and should stick with things. I know a little part of me wants to be single since I haven't really been single since I was 18. But i'd prefer not to be single if it means regretting something for the rest of my life. I thought I would get some kind of relief/positivity after breaking up. But I feel just like garbage, it's 6.30am I haven't slept. Any insight, or feedback would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading. Seriously!?!? Go back and get her. You made a mistake, she will understand. TALK TO HER. Tell her how you are feeling. She is not going to be upset with your true feelings. Talk. It's a wonderful thing, you might be suprised with what she will say too. She probably has things that she is thinking about and wants to tell you too. Take her out to dinner, sit her down and tell her how you feel. Let her tell you how she feels. This is part of growing together. We aren't mind readers. We can't just guess. But to give up on someone because you are afraid of what the future has to offer you? That's sad. If she is worth it, then work for it! Don't just give up on someone you love and care about because things get hard! That's being a coward. Now, get off of here, give her a ring (on the phone) and take her out. Pronto.
Els Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I personally don't think that you should have made a one-sided decision and just thrown her the blow out of the blue. You may have her best interests at heart... but you should have spoken to her about your concerns and made the decision together as to whether to continue it or call it quits. For all you know, she might not want marriage and kids yet either? 7 years sounds like a long time, but age matters as well, and it isn't uncommon for people even in happy relationships to wait til they are older and more settled in life before marrying and having kids. If you could imagine yourself marrying.. just not with her.. then your decision would be correct. In this case, you might just not be ready yet at 26. 1
AlexDP Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I think breaking up with her was rash.. Also consider that if you're with someone for 7 years and you still love them, you must be capable of living with them.
sendme Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 ^^ Man I'm sorry to hear that, that sounds hard on you. I guess I never expected these feelings from breaking up. I thought I would draw some positivity from it. What I don't think I can do is cut her out from my life, as in not being friends. I know that is unreasonable, it breaks my heart. I feel I might regret it, because we had such a good thing going. I feel I'll never find someone as caring, loving and supporting as her. I feel I might regret losing the best friend I've ever had. She's a consenting adult... if she knows you're not ready for marriage in the next year or two (really really you can't guarantee how you'll feel about ANYTHING in 5 years so I wouldn't even look that far ahead yet) and she still wants to stay with you... then you have nothing to fear... Not all girls mind waiting... some girls have stuff they want to do and enjoy and accomplish before the ring and the kiddos She does make my life better, she is great to me. But if I'm not thinking about marriage or kids in the next 5 years or so, isn't that wrong? It's not wrong... be open and honest with her... and be aware that circumstances can change drastically in a year or two... wait until most of your friends are married and have kids and buying houses, and suddenly it doesn't seem like such a far out there idea... if she's not pressuring you to put a ring on her finger NOW or even in the next year or so... then go back to her... talk to her... and realize that you don't have to make a decision now based on how you think you might feel in a few years....
fetish1980 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I am going to have to disagree with the several posters on this thread that labeled his breaking up with her was harsh and one-sided. O/P... No one is or should feel obligated to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in anymore. We have 1 life and time is short. If you're not seeing this person long term, then you might need to be single for a while, maybe date, and then re-evaluate your feelings for your girl later. If not, move on. I think you just need to be upfront with her like you did and be honest with yourself. As to your feeling guilty, its normal. It's because you are connected to this person and anytime we detach from someone, (especially long term), it still hurts. The guilt and regret is unavoidable either way whether if you remain with her or not. What's worse is remaining with her and then later building up resentment toward her and angry with yourself for wasting your youth away and then you not end up with the person anyway. Believe me, i know. If it ends up being a mistake, it ends up as being a mistake. But it could just as easily end up being a mistake the other way around. But stick to your guns and get whatever you need to get out of your system. And no, i'm not just talking dating!, I'm talking about finding yourself as well. fetish
dreamstate83 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 My ex fiance, back when I was fresh out of high school, pushed really hard after 2 years to get married. We went through a lot together. We were together for 3 years, and then she broke up with me for another guy because she didn't think I'd ever propose. Well, we got back together after 6 months of that and for the next two years she pushed and pushed and pushed. I remember clearly the day I bought the ring. I did it not because I wanted marriage, but because I was tired of being pushed. Eventually I resented her and walked out of the relationship a month before the wedding. I hate that it took me that long to realize, but I don't regret walking out at all. My point is, having the white picket fence, a wife, and 2.5 kids.....can't be pushed. It's something that has to happen naturally or it will just cause issues down the road.
UglyGirl Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 So mainly you dumped her because she was depending on you! well i dont understand why you dont like that!!! anyways, I cried after i read your post because i am in the same situation and im having a really hard time deciding on what i should do...I feel so depressed cus my boyfriend is a very nice guy but the only problem is that we can not just agree on one thing right now! i dont know why but we've been fighting nowadays! and its hard cus ive been living with the man almost 6yrs! does it feel right now that you're not with her???
JayL Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Here I am searching so hard for that one decent woman.. 3 long-term relationships that failed (one cheated on me), countless flings that I did not see a future with, 1 short-term relationship that I took so seriously and the girl ended up screwing me over by telling me she never liked me and only stuck with me because of my qualities. After letting myself get attached and fall for her, she tells me she never felt sh*t for me. What an incredible major kick in the sack. Then there you go, a man with an amazing woman and you let her go after 7 years..... I think you two need to talk things out and start talking about the future. Ask her what her "ideal" age is to get married and have a family. Would you be ready by then? Can you be ready? When do you think you'll be ready? ARE YOU ever going to be ready? You have to be fair to yourself and to her.
blue_jay_bird Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years tonight. The reason was, that after going for out 7 years, I was still not wanting to buy a house together and not think about marriage or kids. I feel that if things were right, I would be thinking about those things. I also felt that it was unfair on her if I'm just stringing her along especially that I know she would love to start getting serious, even though she didn't put pressure on me. A little backstory... We are both 26, and met when we were both broke students at 19. We have had an amazing relationship, we get on so well, we are best friends, we love each other a lot. When we had problems, we resolved them. If we couldn't resolve them ourselves, we went to a councilor which helped a lot. The last 3 years or it seems she lost her independence and depended on me for a lot of things. This is not because she couldn't do things for herself, I guess it was just easier for me to take care of things. But this then made her feel insecure about herself, and made her think she couldn't do things for herself. Which resulted in a few arguments/problems. ------ The reason I'm writing this post is I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know if my reasoning is valid, or if I'm just taking things for granted and should stick with things. I know a little part of me wants to be single since I haven't really been single since I was 18. But i'd prefer not to be single if it means regretting something for the rest of my life. I thought I would get some kind of relief/positivity after breaking up. But I feel just like garbage, it's 6.30am I haven't slept. Any insight, or feedback would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading. I read this and though you were my EX. It reallly creeped me out. And right now after 4 months of not hearing from my ex, i have written him off as a jerk. Not because he doesn't want to be with me BUT because he hasn't communicated these' feeling AT ALL. I'm sitting in the dark, pissed off because my ex doesn't think im worth communication. TALK TO HER, TALKING TO HER doesn't mean you have to get together. I'm just giving you advice on what i wish my ex did. Seven YEARS.
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