JayL Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) Hey everyone, I'm trying to give an advice to a friend who has been exclusively dating this girl for a month now. She said she likes him, she said she wants to be with him, but she's not that into him, but she's trying hard because she thinks that he's an amazing guy. They recently just started having sex. I keep telling my friend that he's following my footsteps and without passion, it's a ticking time bomb that's just waiting for the right moment to explode. I keep using myself and my past disastrous and very similar relationship, but it just won't sink in. This guy is like a brother to me and I don't know what else to tell him. If anyone remember my story of my ex-gf with me for 1.5 months, he's pretty much in the same shoe. The girl is the same age as my ex (25). Only difference is mine ended sooner as I kept telling her this is what I am looking for and we always argued. My friend, on the other hand, is letting himself be a doormat and let the girl calls the shots, hence they're still good...... for now......... but he's absolutely not happy. What the hell is going on with women these days?.... Edited October 15, 2012 by JayL
Plan 9 from OS Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 To answer your question, same thing that is going on with men these days I suppose. Why would your friend be willing to lose his own self respect in order to maintain a relationship with a woman that has admitted up front that the "wow" factor is simply not there? It sounds like your friend is going to go way past your experience. If you love him as a brother, make sure that you're there to help him pick up the pieces after his GF cheats on him with someone that is more confident and won't put up with her crap.
Author JayL Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 To answer your question, same thing that is going on with men these days I suppose. Why would your friend be willing to lose his own self respect in order to maintain a relationship with a woman that has admitted up front that the "wow" factor is simply not there? It sounds like your friend is going to go way past your experience. If you love him as a brother, make sure that you're there to help him pick up the pieces after his GF cheats on him with someone that is more confident and won't put up with her crap. I could use that line to slap him awake. Thanks! I keep telling him that.... I let myself be a doormat for awhile but from time to time stood up for myself which caused arguments, which made her end it. She said we'll always argue and I'm pressuring her. My friend on the other hand is "too nice, too patient". I guess I'll let him do his thing and let him experiment and just be there for him when the sh*t hits the fan, because it's only a matter of time until it does.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Just keep being a good friend and giving him your two cents. People have to follow their own path and make their own mistakes. Experience really is the best teacher. You can tell someone something all day long, but in most cases, they don't really get it till they've lived it. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I have read this from women before. They will say "I used to jump into bed with hot guys right away. Those men all hurt me. Now I am giving men who treat me better and seeing if attraction can grow with time." Case in point what this starlet, who recently endorsed Romney says about her five husbands. http://www.escapemtl.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/skan541-stacey-dash.jpg (read the article gentlemen). The letting attraction grow approach sounds like it should work. It can and does work, but it's not for everyone. Just as the more impulsive way works for some but not others.
phineas Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I'd rather have the woman who jumps into bed with me right away because she thinks i'm hot over a woman that try's to force attraction because i'm a "good guy". I want a naughty monkey in the sack that's clawing at my zipper on the car ride home because she can't wait to be naked with me. Not "I guess we can have sex when we get home" I've had both. Guess which one makes you feel not that great about yourself?
january2011 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 What the hell is going on with women these days?.... Let's not make this another gender war thread. That would not be helpful to your friend. I agree with your advice that he should dump her. She has pretty much set up a disclaimer for breaking his heart later - when she's finds someone who she is "that into." However, if he's fallen for her already then all you can do is to be there for the fallout. As Ruby wrote, sometimes you've just got to let people make their own mistakes.
JHS Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) The letting attraction grow approach sounds like it should work. It can and does work, but it's not for everyone. Just as the more impulsive way works for some but not others. I am actually in a relationship where this is my approach. I like, (LIKE) a lot of things - most things - about someone I am dating. But it's not love, never will be and it's imbalanced. I was hoping something would grow - meaning I tried - but it's not happening. I don't hate her at all, just don't love her. Edited October 15, 2012 by JHS
Author JayL Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) I'd rather have the woman who jumps into bed with me right away because she thinks i'm hot over a woman that try's to force attraction because i'm a "good guy". I want a naughty monkey in the sack that's clawing at my zipper on the car ride home because she can't wait to be naked with me. Not "I guess we can have sex when we get home" I've had both. Guess which one makes you feel not that great about yourself? You nailed it! This is something that I went through and I don't know if he is... perhaps I'd ask? Basically... Sunday : Make out, get all hot etc.. and she used to tell me "babe? let's wait til Tuesday?" Then Tuesday, we do it.. but for some reason she always wants me to finish quick and when I stop her, she just said "I want you to cum" and she went faster. She was usually on top, our preferred position... or me at least.... (I'd lose erection if I'm on top and trying to balance myself too because I'm heavy (muscles) and I didn't want to crush her lol). But then we'd do it again few minutes later. It makes me very sad to see a reflection of how my relationship was whenever my friend tells me stories... I'm still not totally over my gf that I was only with for 1.5 months due to my ego being totally crushed. Then seeing my friend go through the same thing..... it just kind of takes me back to square one while trying to give him advice as well... Sucks........ Edited October 15, 2012 by JayL
yongyong Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Just don't cut your desire to hit on other women. You don't know if she is really into you and when she will leave and you stop talking to other girls??? that's like cock blocking yourself and choosing to be her option. It's not her problem but yours. I just met this great girl for first time. Even if everything goes well, I wouldn't refuse to talk to girls in public. Why? because I don't own her. who knows what's going to happen?
Mrlonelyone Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I'd rather have the woman who jumps into bed with me right away because she thinks i'm hot over a woman that try's to force attraction because i'm a "good guy". The thing is for some of us this way is our style. It's not forced, for some of us jumping into bed with someone would be the forced and unnatural thing. Of course it can also change with age. Some folks who jump from bed to bed when young, want to take it slow when old. Other folks who take it slow when young want to get their numbers when they are older. 1
phineas Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 The thing is for some of us this way is our style. It's not forced, for some of us jumping into bed with someone would be the forced and unnatural thing. Of course it can also change with age. Some folks who jump from bed to bed when young, want to take it slow when old. Other folks who take it slow when young want to get their numbers when they are older. The we aren't compatible. oh well. 1
whatever136 Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 He's only going to end up hurt. Exact same thing just happened to me one week ago. Dated a girl for 8 months, I fell in love with her ridiculously hard. Only thing is, she was never really as into me as I was into her. She thought something was wrong with her because I was "perfect", good looking and the best guy any girl could ask for. But if "it" isn't there, then it just isn't there. Girls are weird.
kae Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 girls are not weird. we too need to desire a man.. we like to feel nervous and think of him a lot..if a guy is always there.. the guy is killing her ability to desire him. not hot and cold behaviour but independent and able to resist her beauty and warmth type thing. Women like strong guys.
Author JayL Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) girls are not weird. we too need to desire a man.. we like to feel nervous and think of him a lot..if a guy is always there.. the guy is killing her ability to desire him. not hot and cold behaviour but independent and able to resist her beauty and warmth type thing. Women like strong guys. It really depends... I have many female friends who wants to spend every waking moment with their guys whom they just started dating. Some girls don't like that and like to take their time. Same goes with men. I don't mind spending a lot of time with the girl, but if I'm busy, I need her to understand and not freak out if I can't respond to her message in 5 minutes. I like to talk everyday, but very limited text messaging and phone call only at night and keep it short and simple, but occasional talking on the phone for hours is okay. I don't mind seeing the girl 3 to 4 times a week, maybe even 5 if I'm not busy. That's the thing... if two people are "genuinely" interested in each other, they should equally want to see each other and spend time with each other. The relationships that I know are now over started with mind games. The relationships that I know started in a genuine way, no mind games, are the ones that are still strong. My friends are in at least 2 years relationship and some on their 7th year and still happy. Each one of them did not play mind games and went to see each other as much as they could when they first started. For me... I'm the type who will send a maximum of 5 to 6 text messages throughout the day, 1 of them will be good morning, 3 to 4 of them will be the "tease" or the banter part, and the 5th to 6th text message will be the "alright gtg, ttyl" or "anyway, gtg see u tonight". I have a chain of short-term relationships that died when things got more serious. A perfect example is my last relationship. It started amaaazing when I didn't give her much attention, I played mind games, banter etc. After a couple of weeks, I dropped the "game" playing as I met her family and told myself "she's a nice girl and her family likes me... I'm going all in and stop messing around". I was still the same, not a lot of attention, few text msgs, short calls at night, saw her twice to 3x a week, except I started opening up more and warming up to her. Then bam! She lost interest. Perhaps she was not that interested in the first place... but the butterflies, mystery and banters kept her into it for a couple of weeks. Anyway, my friend poured his heart out to me last night and this girl told him. "I'm not as into this as you are. Maybe you should not be as into it as well so you don't expect too much." I told him I heard that line before and told him to drop it... Don't know what other words I could use to describe or explain that the girl meant "I'm not that interested in you and I don't know if I'll ever be, so step back and don't get too attached if you don't want to get hurt that much" or it could also mean "step back and let me figure what I really feel first" , but again, we all know that means "no" that's just pending to be said.. Correct me if I'm wrong... but I did hear a very similar line from my ex, which is... "I'm only 50% into this relationship right now". I keep using myself as an example but meh... I guess he'll be on my boat pretty soon... Edited October 16, 2012 by JayL
truth_seeker Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Of course it can also change with age. Some folks who jump from bed to bed when young, want to take it slow when old. Other folks who take it slow when young want to get their numbers when they are older. You just nailed it. There are people who get "a lot" when young and when they're older are more relaxed because they got "a lot" out of their system. Then there are people who are late bloomers and go on a rampage later on in life.
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