StormySeas Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 My marriage conselor suggested that writing can be helpful. So I wrote the letter below. I'm not sure if it ultimately is for my H or just the LS world, but it did feel slightly better (tears running down onto the keyboard that might electrocute me aside!) to get the words out. I'm not really looking for responses, it just seemed a shame to write and write and have nowhere to share. Dear H... My emotions are convoluted and difficult to put into words.Even when writing, I find that I can just be all over the place. Sometimes Irealize that in one sentence, I say one thing and in the very next, say theopposite. I think this reinforces just how confused that I am. So I’m writingthis letter to you in an attempt to organize my thoughts and hopefully give youa more coherent window into my feelings today. First of all, the damage that you have inflicted on me, us,and our family, is tough to comprehend. I feel emotional and physical damageand know that I will never be the same person again. That my abilities to love,trust, respect, and put others before me, will forever be impacted by what youhave put me through. You chose someone above me in the most intimate emotionaland physical ways. You basically told me through your actions that I was notgood enough for you and could not provide you with what you needed. Through thefirst year plus of our son’s life, I told you the same things. You were not thehusband and partner in parenting that I needed and I was unhappy. But I foundmore positive outlets for that period in my life and heavily relied on mymother and some key girlfriends. My mother spent hours talking to me about my obligationsto our marriage to try to teach you how to be the husband and father that Ineeded. So many of the women in my life knew exactly what was going on and hadexperienced it in their own lives. That gave me such hope that we could getthrough this and would eventually be fine. Unfortunately, there are two people involved in a maritalstory, and your unhappiness would result in you embarking on a journey that hasrocked our lives. You were not the first man, husband and father to feel theway that you did during our son’s first year of life. If you’d been talking tothe men around you, I think you would have found very similar feelings giventheir wives seemed to feel the exact same way that I did. I don’t know if many(or any) of those men cheated on their wives once, let alone in as long andhurtful a process as you did. But the fact is that you didn’t do anythingpositive…talk to anyone other than the other woman…read a book about the topic…research…etc. to help getyou and us through our issues. Instead, you chose the most selfish course ofaction to help you feel like a man. For you, you needed to feel attractive and wanted.You didn’t need someone to tell you that you were a good parent; you neededsomeone to talk dirty to you and make you feel like you were the center oftheir world. I need you to recognize that because I think that you use the excuseof feeling insecure and unwanted in our home for everything that occurred.There are many people that go through difficult periods in their lives thatfeel insecure and unwanted. You could have told me the second you startedacting inappropriately that you were miserable and needed space or wanted us to get help or needed meto change my behaviors. But you took the cowardly out and refused to own any ofthe decisions that you were making over a significantly long period of time. I probably need ten pages to attempt to fully describe theemotional damage that all of this has done to me, but I don’t think that isentirely productive. I will try to summarize. First of all, you made me feellike a crazy, jealous woman when I confronted you and you began the web of denial and lies.You made me feel like someone that was so insecure that I could not handle thefact that my husband needed another woman in his life that could help providewhat I was incapable of providing as a wife. That you so desparately needed this friend to be happy. You made me feel like a completeand utter failure. Not dissimilar to how I made you feel, but I refuse to takefull responsibility that my failures as a wife are comparable to what yourfailures as a husband had been through my pregnancy and the first year of ourson’s life. My failures were in not putting my foot down and refusing to letyou go out time and time again. My biggest failurewas in refusing to be the fun police. I never wanted to have to micro-manage myhusband, but I failed our family and marriage in refusing to make you grow up. Your affair has brought out so many emotional insecurities.I don’t feel like I’m attractive enough or sexual enough for you, and that I amincapable of being a successful wife to you as a result. I feel like I’m notvulnerable enough for you, obviously dealing with this affair aside, and don’tprovide you with enough opportunities to be the knight to my damsel in distress.You picked someone to love outside of our marriage that could not be moredifferent than me, and now I feel like that is the most perfect indication ofjust how wrong I am for you. Interestingly enough, I actually hate how sure you are today that the above statements are wrong and that I am right foryou and the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Because thatmeans that the decision of whether our son grows up in a "normal" household or asingle parent household is firmly on my shoulders. I decide if you aren’t theman for me. It feels like the “forever” impact of your betrayal lands squarelywith me. I have told you this many times recently, but to me so manyof the important questions now are: - Are you fundamentally a good person or a badperson? It feels like anyone that could inflict this much damage on me has tobe evil, and it feels very difficult to allow all of the other key variablesfrom that time period to essentially help excuse the evil behavior. It’s not likeour life was roses and dandelions for me either, but one of us made theultimate betrayal and the other one did not. - Can I live with this for the rest of my life andbe happy with you in my life? The stories that I’ve read about reconciliationare heartwarming and provide hope. However, I am not the type to forget smallhurts. So what is the lasting impact on me as a person and our relationship asa couple for me to go against every fiber of my brain to reconcile? You areforgiven. People are human and make errors. You made some very big mistakes.But forgiving you and living with you for the rest of my life, are two verydifferent things. How long will I look at you and you’ll see the hurt in myeyes? Will we ever get that spark back where you walk into a room and I lightup? Or will I just look up, see you, and think “that’s the guy that didsomething that very nearly destroyed me”? - Can you be happy with me for the rest of my life? I’m tired of talking, writing, and thinking about all ofthis. I’m tired of feeling like I’m in quick sand and even if I can get out ofthe quick sand, there’s just barren ground all around me. My visions of our “forever”used to be sunshine, bright colors, and travel to glorious new places. Today, Ijust envision climbing out of the quick sand and just seeing grey all aroundme. I guess that’s what happens when you have a broken heart. All of thevibrant colors of the world are lost. I don’t know what needs to happen in mylife for me to re-capture them.
Spark1111 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Beautifully written letter. Months after dday , when I thought I would give reconcilliation a very cautious and tentaive try, I told my H that for me, the process would be three-fold: First, I would have to forgive the affair. That was not as difficult as I had thought. I examined the marriage, him and me, and realized during that tough period, I too, would have been vulnerable to an affair..... Someone gazing adoringly into my eyes, hanging on every word I uttered, validating all my unhappiness by telling me I deserved better, blah, blah and blah. I got that and I told him so. It really, really bothered him that I so understood that. I think he feared I would go out and have one myself. Certainly, telling another man who may be attracted to you, that your H just cheated on you, seems to open a lot of doors to let in those who are empowered by rescuing a damsel in distress. Secondly: Fogiving the lies. OMG! So hard to do! I loved my H enough to let him go, tried to, but he kept returning to reconcile. I was so confused and it is how I wound up here at LS. Don't people professing undying love for each other grow tired of lying and sneaking around? Apparently not, as given carte blanche to be with her, it turned out to be the last thing he wanted. To reconcile the lying, I had to know absolutely everything. I had cell records and bank statements and had to know what was happening n my reality at that time. painful? YES! But it explained so many absences and attitudes and was ultimately very, very helpful. Third and hardest: Regaining respect for a man who could do this to me and to us.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Your title tells me something... Letter to THE husband... You may be emotionally removed because he's caused you pain... That's normal... Hugs. Most would type letter to MY husband. There are times when one or two words will tell much more than appears. It's up to HIM to EARN your trust back- is HE DOING THAT? I think you wrote a wonderful letter of expressing your feelings. Keep it up! Maybe journal for a while...
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 If he is genuine and really wants to work on himself - Work with you to regain that trust and respect again, and he's owned his part in all this - Then your marriage can get back on track. Though make it clear to him that if he cheats on you again (either with exOW or any other woman) it's over and a divorce is going to happen immediately, that you won't put up with inappropriate friendships with other women PERIOD. You're incredibly strong and even though your letter is a vent, your husband might actually benefit from reading it.
Author StormySeas Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 First of all, sorry for the crappy formatting -- my paste from Word let me down! No worries, 2Sunny, I can promise you that the title shouldn't be interpreted. It actually felt weird even putting a title, just like it felt weird putting an opening entry to the letter. "Dear Husband Name", "Dear Voldemort", "Dear Pookie", etc. -- nothing feels right on that front now. But he is working his tail off to make it up to me since the truth finally tumbled out. For me, nothing feels right though so progress is incredibly tough. Last week was "Anger Week". It was the first week since post Labor Day (D-Day was around then) that I just was an angry person and not a sad one. Whichwayisup...genuine is tough to determine. He's been NC for two years and a model husband/father, but lied throughout that two years. So does he genuinely seem to want to get through this with me and make it work? Yes. But is he genuinely and fundamentally a good person in his heart-of-hearts? I don't know. This just doesn't seem like something a fundamentally good person could do to another individual, but I know that many people here at LS have allowed themselves to believe that the affairs were the culmination of a good person making a horrible mistake. That's just something I will have to get my head around if we're to move forward. Spark, you've responded to some of my other posts and you just are incredibly adept at hitting the nail on the head. Proof that no matter the circumstances behind the affairs we are all forced to deal with, there is much that we have in common in terms of the biggest issues to get through. Thank you for your candor. Thank you all for your thoughts and candor.
pteromom Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 But is he genuinely and fundamentally a good person in his heart-of-hearts? I don't know. This just doesn't seem like something a fundamentally good person could do to another individual, but I know that many people here at LS have allowed themselves to believe that the affairs were the culmination of a good person making a horrible mistake. That's just something I will have to get my head around if we're to move forward. There are very few people who are fundamentally good or bad. Most of us are just people, who make both good and bad choices. Think about his actions. Ignore his words. His actions, on a whole, not just regarding the affair, either cause you to feel loved, valued, respected, and understood, or they cause you to feel insecure, unloved, alone, and unsure of your future. If it's the former, then proceed forward slowly. You need time for him to regain your trust, and that is HIS job in this, not yours.
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