Is it possible to go from really good friends to more?

[Reegs]

So I was hoping to get some advice on a situation I have run into this past weekend.

 

First, I don't have much of a problem getting dates, or meeting women. Have had a few relationships, dated quite a bit, etc..

 

I am a guy who has a lot of friends, both male and female. I have a group of friends...where oddly enough...its a norm.There is one girl (lets call her Jane) in the group, over the past 3 years, that I have gotten much closer too. We text all the time to see what the other is doing, have talked about past relationships...and even talked about current relationships while we were in them. I have told about girls I have dated...how things have not worked out...etc... By all means I would consider us really good friends. Nothing sexual has ever happened between us.

 

Often times people have joked with the both of us, that we should date. (My sisters, our mutual friends, my friends, and her friends) For years I thought nothing of it...and continued to date other women, as I looked at her just as a friend...and nothing more. Maybe a month and a half ago, I was out at a local bar with my sisters and some other friends. Jane was also there. My sister asked her, why she had never dated me, to her response of "We just have never given it a try yet." I was shocked at that response, as I never thought she looked at me like that. The more and more I thought about it...the more I realized that maybe I had also started to have feelings "more than friends" for her. We continued to hang out...nothing changed, except for the fact that I started to look into things more. Her comments to me seemed more flirty...her texts seemed to be a bit more frequent. There were times, where we were alone, where there were opportunities to kiss...but nothing ever happened. It just seemed forced....maybe a bit awkward..if that makes sense? After more thought...I decided to leave it as it was...and stay just friends. I didn't want any undue pressure on something that didn't need it. and additionally didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable for us.

 

Saturday...something rather odd happened. I went out...and was hanging out with the normal group of friends. Jane was there and like me had, had a few drinks. We were joking...and have a fun time like we always do, nothing in the least bit awkward. A mutual friend of ours has always tried to get us to go out....so at one point she called both Jane and I over...and says "Jane your gonna kill me for this tomorrow. but.....enough with this bull between you two. why dont you both just go out...grab some drinks, maybe dinner...and see how it goes." things for a moment got awkward for a moment and I could Jane, trying to play it off like it was some kind of joke. finally...i said..."Jane...I think she wants us to go out on a date....would you like to go on one with me?" she said sure. We set one up for next Saturday night. We ended up the rest of the night acting very normal...like nothing has happened. I gave her a ride home...and we sat in my car for like 45 just talking about this that and everything. finally went in...she got out of my car...got a hug goodnight...and that was it.

 

Had this been a normal girl I was pursuing, I would know much better on how to handle the situation. Never having breached this type of barrier before... I am left with a lot of questions I would love to get some opinions on.

 

 

1. Has anyone ever known of a successful navigation from good friends, to more?

2. I had been friend-zoned by this girl. I had friend-zoned her....and it is a great friendship..one of my best...is it worth it to try for more?

3. I am tentative about the date...do you think she feels the same way?

4. Haven't spoken with her since Saturday night in my car...do I text her as usual....and mention something about the date later in the week? If she doesn't want to go she will let me know?

Edited October 15, 2012 by Reegs

[Mrlonelyone]

1. Has anyone ever known of a successful navigation from good friends, to more?

 

Yes, it happens.

 

 

2. I had been friend-zoned by this girl. I had friend-zoned her....and it is a great friendship..one of my best...is it worth it to try for more?

 

That depends on what you want. The only way that trying to make your friendship into a romantic relationship is worth it is if you see being with that person forever as a real possibility. If you think this woman is potential wife material then go for it.

 

The way you describe her she's a true friend, and it makes sense that a GF or BF would at least be an F.

 

 

 

3. I am tentative about the date...do you think she feels the same way?

 

Yes. It's natural to be nervous about a date. Especially when it's someone you have grown to truly care about on a more that superficial level.

 

Try this, when you go on the date do not act different than you have. There is no reason for the usual games people play. You both know where the bodies are buried already.

 

The key thing is, can you and her get along just fine if it's just to two of you no other friends. Just you and her, one on one, that's the difference between a RLship and hanging out.

 

4. Haven't spoken with her since Saturday night in my car...do I text her as usual....and mention something about the date later in the week? If she doesn't want to go she will let me know?

 

Don't behave any differently than you have. If you did not say "Jane lets go to X and Y o'clock on our date, you probably want to talk about at least when to pick her up before hand. Don't belabor the point. You are just two opposite sex friends going to do whatever together alone.

 

Yes this can work. The difference between your situation and many others is that you two are really truly friends. It's not like one of you has wanted to date the other all along. The feelings of friendship are mutual, now the interest in a date is mutual.

 

Trust me dating a real friend is one of the best feelings. Enjoy it for what it is and relax.

[HeldbyGravity]

1. Has anyone ever known of a successful navigation from good friends, to more?

 

My ex did. He was my best guy friend, and we found that knowing each other beforehand took down a lot of the pressure that he would've felt if we had been strangers- we knew each other's families and going over each other's houses wasn't a big deal, we knew general likes and dislikes. Just pour in an element of romance, and it made "us" that much better.

 

 

2. I had been friend-zoned by this girl. I had friend-zoned her....and it is a great friendship..one of my best...is it worth it to try for more?

 

The friend zone is an invention of angry people who cannot understand why every person of the opposite sex they know and meet is not attracted to them. If you like her, you can try to go for it- but she may feel a bit sour that you denied her, if she was intending to date you before.

 

3. I am tentative about the date...do you think she feels the same way?

 

Don't know without knowing her. Don't worry about it. If she gives you a chance, then it's a step in the right direction.

 

4. Haven't spoken with her since Saturday night in my car...do I text her as usual....and mention something about the date later in the week? If she doesn't want to go she will let me know?

 

Text her like normal, go ahead. And you can just add in "Excited for ____ night!", something like that. Don't keep saying it over and over, but do maybe text her the night before to make sure the plans still stand.

[Silly_Girl]

I married my best friend! It's definitely possible. If it's what you want my recommendation would be to get the hell on with it!!

[Reegs]

Wow...I didn't expect so many positive responses on this!

 

I have always been under the impression that once that strong friendship bond has been created, its extremely hard to navigate back to it being romantic.

 

I guess I am a bit nervous about how the whole thing will go. I shouldnt be....and havent been nervous about a date in years...this one has me thinking quite a bit more though.

 

@mrlonelyone- We have gone out on our own many time before. We have hiked alone together, gone out to lunch alone together, gone to the bar for drinks together..etc...Always had a great time, but nothing ever happened. I dont know why....it was never awkward...it was always just a fun time. I was never mad that nothing happened...and I think she felt the same way? She is great company. Saturday night has been labeled a date though...which has never happened between us before.

 

@HeldbyGravity- I agree about the friendzone. A lot of people become bitter....and I know its not the case in my situation. I texted her yesterday like you said...and didn't mention the date. Just sent her a text like normal...talked about the rest of the weekend, and what she did. I figure I will mention Saturday night a little later in the week.

 

@Spyderman- Kinda wish my situation happened that way. Had something physical happened prior to setting up the date...I think it be would be a bit more clear on what the deal was. Given the opportunity I will make the move! haha

 

@Silly_girl- I will take your advice and go for it!! Thanks for your input.

 

Either way...I will make sure to let everyone know how this goes!!

[HeldbyGravity]

Do let us know . Good luck!

[runner]

yes, it's happened to me once. although it is not how i usually roll; and that relationship was special in itself.

 

ask for a second date. cut down on the usual friend contact banter for at least a week. begin to miss each other a bit, with the added knowledge of going on a date (not friendly 'hangout'). when the day comes, treat her like your special lady, and kiss her.

[Reegs]

So I am back on to give an update.

 

Last night was the night that we went out...and I can't say today that I am thrilled with what happened....but I think I am clear on how proceed. Ill let everyone give me their opinion.

 

So I live in a large building..and coincidentally, she lives in the same building. (Its a huge building and we never run into each other!) I went to the apartment she lived and picked her up. I had planned on going to dinner in Boston and out to the bars after we went to dinner. The ride in was great...conversation flowed like always...not even a little bit of awkwardness. Dinner was the same...and it was made clear by both of us that this was a date. She talked about her friends calling and texting her wondering if she was nervous etc...Dinner was really good!

 

After dinner, I asked if she wanted to head over to a place I knew that had good drinks that was down the street. She seemed excited about the place, as she had heard about it before from her friends. We went...and as the night continued we became more flirty with each other. There was a little touching between the two of us... me touching the small of her back...her bumping my leg with hers...etc...very flirty.

 

As the end of the night rolled around...I really thought things were on the right path, and we were having a fun time. Both of us were laughing and smiling the whole time. We left the bar and started to walk towards the car. This is when things got a bit strange...instead of walking beside me and giving me an opportunity to hold her hand...she walked 4-5 paces in front of me. I got the impression that she either got nervous at that point...or felt unsure. Either way...she was in a rush to leave. We got back to the car...and drove home. The ride home was just okay...we talked...but it was obvious the vibe had changed. When we got back to the apartment building, she was extremely quick to get out of my car. We both walked into the building and onto the elevator. She pushed the button for her floor and then mine. Her stop was before mine...I went in and gave her a hug....and then I think I saw smoke from her heels as she left the elevator. She said Thank You as she walked away....I had never seen a faster exit in my entire life.

 

As the elevator closed...I just sat and wondered where it had gone wrong. Dinner was fun...the bar after was fun...and then it got strange. I walked back to my place, feeling very deflated. I went right to sleep. When I woke up this morning and had a text from her that said--

 

"Thank you for taking me out tonight I won't be saying that in 5 hrs and 15 mins tho...goodnight!!!" (She had to wake up this morning for some kind of work meeting)

 

When I woke up...I wasn't mad...but was still left wondering what had happened. I understand that she was probably a bit nervous towards the end night...but felt jaded by the way she ran out of the elevator.

 

Our mutual friend (who happens to be her best friend) that set us up sent me a text very early on in the day asking how it went. I responded that it has gone well and we had, had a lot of fun. she then text me later on in the day with--

 

"Do you like her? Or was it like two friends hanging out? I really haven't talked to her about it because I was so busy."

 

to which I said

 

"We had a good time. Ill let her tell you all about it!!'

 

My date text me later in the day with a joke we had said in the previous night. Pretty much just a friendly text by all means. Seeming to me like she didnt want any awkwardness between us.

 

Maybe I am a bit clueless and don't know to navigate something like this. I will say though...there was not an opportunity last night. At no point in the night was I give a green light to grab her hand while walking....or kiss her...nada. It would have been horribly awkward if I tried to kiss her in the elevator...as she had made it abundantly clear she did not want too with her rapid exit.

 

I hope I don't sound to bitter...because I am not. Not everyone works out....and if she wasn't feeling it...she of course did the right thing. Maybe at some point in the future I will ask her where it went astray, but not anytime soon!

 

Thanks for reading and all of the advice given prior!!

[LittlePrince]

You can't go from friends to more unless you were never true friends to begin with.

[Mrlonelyone]

From what you describe, it sounds like you are jumping to the conclusion she wasn't into it. You see, when you go from friends to lovers, some of the usual dating rules still apply. One of those is that on a first "date" date physical contact is limited. They don't want to "seem too eager" etc.

 

To me it sounds like she was nervous for some reason.

 

Ask her out on a second real "date" and see how that goes. Just because a woman dosen't blow you on the first date dosen't mean she's not into you.

 

 

 

 

 

You can't go from friends to more unless you were never true friends to begin with.

 

BULL

[Reegs]

@MrLonelyone- Thanks again for sharing your opinion.

 

On the date...before the date...and now....I never expected physical contact like that. Did I expect a kiss? Maybe...depending on how the night went. From my perspective...it had gone very well, until the walk to the car. I just dont understand where it went from being flirty...to her speeding back to her apartment.

 

I understand what your saying about her being nervous...and by all means she probably was. At the end of dates with women....I have never had experienced someone exit the way she did. Normally...something to the effect of--- "Reegs, I had a great time...would love to do it again." "Thank you so much for dinner and the drinks, I really had a fantastic time.' "Thanks for tonight...how about when we go out next time I but you dinner."--- Something that would give someone the kind of hint that they did have a good time...and that they would like to do it again. A kiss or physical contact is not necessary...but I do think giving someone the "go ahead' to ask them out again if they wanted it...should have happened. My impression from the end of the night...whether she meant it or not...was "I need to get out of here now...and get away from him!"

 

To sound harsh...had this not been a friend...I would likely not call this girl after the first date we had.

 

Even though I was never given a sign to ask for a second date..you still think I should?

[HeldbyGravity]

I think it could go either way, but asking her on a second date (on a night in which she doesn't have to run to work the next morning) would be a deciding factor. I'm only saying this because, thinking back, I practically ran from this one guy when he first came to my house. My mom was there, and I was running back to her and pretending to be busy- just because I was so nervous. And then I was even more nervous as I thought about what sometimes comes at the end of a date, when I went on a date with him... So it very well could have been nerves, since she seemed so receptive the rest of the night. Just suggest the idea and see what happens. If she doesn't like you that way, she will most likely decline to go on a date.

[kerme]

Yes ask her on a second date. Like another poster said, she was probably nervous for a reason. After all, it was the first date, right? If she wants to go out with you again she'll accept and if not she'll decline.

[Reegs]

So...I didnt update this, but I figured I would, as the advice give here was solid.

 

So after the date...I took some time off messaging her...and let things settle down a bit. I knew that no matter what, I would see her the upcoming weekend, and could feel out the interaction at that point. Before I was able to see her, she text me asking what I was doing for the evening, and if I wanted to get together at some point for a drink. I said sure. I went down and met some friends at a local spot. She came and met up shortly afterwards.

 

She was acting in a way veryyyyyy different than I had ever seen her before. Almost stand-offish. Nervous....and a bit shy. I could sense that she didnt know how to act around me...and I was shocked by it. I had honestly thought, she had zero interest in me after the date.

 

As the night rolled around, I asked her what she thought of our date, she said that she had a great time. I asked if she would like to go out again during the week, and she said that she definitely would.

 

We left the bar that night, and she gave me a ride back to my car. We kissed for the first time ever...and it was great!

 

Thanks for all the advice everyone....as it continues...I will update if anyone is interested!

[Silly_Girl]

Excellent! Before I saw this update I was going to suggest (insist?!) you try a kiss. Nice work