We are on a break, but living together?????

[hopefullove]

Dear Wise People,

I really need your help and advice.

 

I have been with my bf now for 8 months, we moved REALLY fast. We met in January, fell in love on our first date, 2 months later, we were moved in (he moved into my place), a small one bedroom. I thought he was perfect, and of course I now realize it was the honeymoon phase, where he was on his best behaviour. I want it to be noted, that I was never on my best behaviour, my behaviour has always been consistent, thoughtful, caring, a bit insane, in fact i think my behaviour has gotten better, where as his has gone downhill, he was very thoughtful, very considerate, at one point he said he liked taking out the garbage and vaccuming! Well that was short lived!

 

Anyway, i love him dearly, we complete each other, and I think are each other's best friends. We always make each other laugh and have a twisted mind that compliment each other's humour. I've come to realize he is extremely stubborn! And he has a massive temper when he is 1. hungry, 2. sleepy. 3. tired. 4. when i nag. My conclusion is that he is a bear.

 

So what has happened is that I always feel taken advantaged of, because of his long work hours, I am the one who is cooking the decent meals, cleaning up after both of us, etc. I always get very frustrated, and he says, it doesnt matter! As long as we both love each other, that's all that matters, and I got very upset with that, because I dont want him to feel like he can upset me all the time and it will be OK. Because with his temper, he always snaps at me over very small superficial things, and I would get very upset because I am very sensitive. I am trying to learn how to ignore him because that seems to be the best solution. But he is such a bully, and wants everything to be his way. Also he is very cheap! He works hard and hoards his money, I have for the last 6 weeks managed to get him to contribute to the house. When he goes out and buys things, its only ever for himself, not for our house. He said this is more of a guy thing, he just doesnt think.

 

Anyway, it has taken me 2 weeks to come to these conclusions. We are currently on a break, but we are living together. I also go through these moods where all my resentment for him builds up and i convince myself how miserable i am, and how much i hate him, and how much we dont work together, and i unleash it on him via text. After that he said he needed a break from me. We had a talk later that night, he said that it may take a day, a week, a month for him to sort us out because he is very angry at me, and he holds grudges, and that i was confusing him with things i say, one second i love him, another i hate him. And he said to get it through my mind that we are single. I told him, this is messed up. He came home at 3AM this saturday night, and was texting someone non stop. I havent been able to deduce who he is texting, cus my eyes are bad. But he doesnt hide the texting. It could be a new buddy, I think i have gotten so used to him not having friends besides me and his brother (lol). The issue of privacy came up, and I was like, "well you said you were single! I dont know what you are doing!!!!!" and he told me to get a hold of myself. and said he wasnt a whore.

 

So we have passed week 2 of this break. Where we are living together, but spending most time apart. If he initiates contact, we can hug. but if he doesnt, generally he will yell at me to give him space. Well, I did "seduce" him by being scantily clad last night, and let him initiate things, but after, went back to "no touching"... We still text each other, he is calling me "roommate". But he does do the things he does for me, such as cutting me fruit every morning before he goes to work. I cleaned the kitchen on saturday, Sunday he came home to give, what I guess is a thank you fruit tart. it was delicious! But I have realized to deal with him I have to treat him like a child.

 

I guess what I am confused about, is what is going on in his head. He doesnt want to move out, we are still living together, but going on this break. If it makes a difference, he is a Cancer. He is so stubborn, and such a hypocrite. I feel like the only thing i can do is change myself, but if he doesnt change i dont feel like this is fair. He says he loves me, but I cant change how superficial he is, and he is so cheap! I feel he only thinks of himself. I want it to work, but I cant make him change.... but if he doesnt change, we are not going to work!

 

In conclusions haha I dont even know what I am doing anymore. I love him. then I am frustrated at the lack of effort on his part because I can't do everything on my own. Then I want to try to make it work. Then I realize i have to make it a conscious effort to "TRICK" him to be the person i want him to be. He has spurts of "CARING" here and there, he's always sorry after the fact. His family has said, he is a good guy, but he just needs to grow up. How do i make this happen? And just, in general. help?

Edited October 15, 2012 by hopefullove

[KatZee]

So what I've learned about your boyfriend in this highly enlightening wall of text is that he:

 

1. Is cheap

2. Is a bully

3. Is lazy

4. Has anger issues

5. Takes advantage of you

6. Uses you for sex

7. Doesn't contribute financially

8. Superficial

9. Only thinks about himself

10. Stubborn

 

And what I've learned about you is that you:

 

1. Verbally assault him via text

2. Hate him

3. You lack respect for him (I'll get to this later)

 

 

OK, of course he wouldn't move out! He has it made there. A girlfriend who cooks, cleans, sleeps with him, pays for everything and lays down like a doormat when he goes on his raging tangents.

 

It seems to me to be a highly dysfunctional relationship. The love/hate thing you have going on isn't love at all. It's drama. And if you feel it's OK to lash out on him, call him every name in the book, curse at him or whatever else you do... this isn't love. This is an extremely high form of disrespect.

 

A) You did not fall in love on your first date.

B) You moved WAY too fast in this relationship.

 

I think you know both A and B. There is really no foundation to this relationship. You just went from 0-150. Moving in with someone without even knowing them is a recipe for DISASTER.

 

If he doesn't want to move out, then why can't YOU leave? You can't fix him or help him to "grow up." He has to do that on his own. Perhaps you leaving will give him the shove to do so.

[hopefullove]

Hi!

Thanks so much for responding!

Please tell me more about my lack of respect for him.

He has said this before, but i never really thought about it. Well the last series of messages that i sent to him before the break wasnt so much verbal assaults, than me unleashing what i was feeling at that moment to him.

 

How is what I am doing showing him that I dont respect him?

I dont feel he respects me at all.

Maybe that is my passive aggressive way of getting back at him?

I dont curse at him. he curses at me. more now than ever, probably cus he doesnt consider us "together".

 

No i feel like we really fell in love. Maybe you want to say lust, but I think it was love. We literally could not sleep, we were both hitting insomnia cus we couldnt stay alseep without each other. We were really really happy.

 

I think I started resenting him for a lot of things.

When we go out, he pays for dinner etc, (tho lately it hasnt really happened), he had said before he is hoarding because he wants to buy a place, more so in the begining he said he has to work hard because I want a nice place... I wonder if he is working towards a house for us.... he is a direct person so i dont think he would arbitrarily say it to make him look good. In the morning, every day he would wake up and give me a kiss, when i came home, he would always jump and clap and be excited to see me. he USED to do a lot more... he used to wake up early on saturdays, while i was in bed, and grocery shop. He used to drive 40 mins out just to buy me fresh strawberries, leave me little love notes in the morning, I would come home and a gourmet dinner would be cooked, he would drive me to the gym if it was cold and pick me up after so i would catch a cold walking home sweaty...he used to buy me food that i had mentioned in passing that i liked, like oh i really like that brand of yogurt, every time he went out he would come home with a tub of that yogurt. Stuff like that.

 

And things are not like that anymore.. They may be, here and there...

 

Currently we are in a totally dysfunctional relationship, I totally agree. Because he keeps referring to me as "roommate" and I dont know what is going on in his head... I know he loved me a lot... everyone has been telling us relationships need a lot of work... I dont know how long this is going to last for, and really what is up with this no touching rule? So i am trying to figure out, if his stating "SINGLE", isnt him so much wanting to date other people, but to not date me....

[hopefullove]

Oh yeah - I dont want to leave cus it's my friends place and he's giving me a good discount on rent. LOL. and the location is great. It's my place. he should leave. He has said if he does leave, then it's for reals (threats??? why???)... He has dated a lot. He is a very good looking guy so he has no problem with women, he actually met my family a few months ago, we took a short vacation together to meet them, and my dad kept going at him about being a playboy, and he was very offended and said he was not of that sort, and that he loves me a lot, though he might not show it (perhaps his upbringing, he seems to excuse his behaviour a lot based on his father and eastern euro culture???)... i dont know! I know he loves me. I also know he loves himself and his car, and his macbook, and his hair, and his jeans. etc etc etc. Its tough.

[KatZee]

No i feel like we really fell in love. Maybe you want to say lust, but I think it was love. We literally could not sleep, we were both hitting insomnia cus we couldnt stay alseep without each other. We were really really happy.

 

This is not love. This "drug addiction" to each other that you were feeling was most definitely lust and infatuation.

 

Once that wears off, if you're still together, working through problems, mutually respectful of each other, it becomes love.

 

Love isn't a feeling. Love isn't the butterflies, love isn't the tingles, love isn't that addicted feeling. All of that is INFATUATION.

 

Love is a choice. Love is what happens once the infatuation honeymoon period is over. It's what you're left with after you've been through the good, the bad, and everything in between. It's when you look at your partner, you can see his/her faults and flaws and still say, "this is the man/woman I will stay with for the rest of my life." It's knowing that things won't always be amazing but you love each other enough to stay, and work through it.

 

I don't see any of that with you guys. I see the honeymoon/infatuation period ending, and what's left is disrespect from both parties. I fully loved my ex. Through everything. I could NEVER fathom cursing at him, or screaming at him the way he does you/you him.

 

When you shoot off like a rocket, it's essentially like building a house on a foundation of sand. Eventually it's just going to crumble and wash away with the waves. You guys didn't build anything, you both mistook infatuation for love, and moved in together. Cohabiting now when you're finally starting to see what the other is, isn't the best situation. Now you're realizing that you two are really not compatible at all. You have two different outlooks on how to live life. It's like trying to push a square block into a round hole. It just doesn't work.

 

You both sound kind of immature and like neither of you know how to handle conflict. He goes off on you, you go off on him, he has sex with you then calls you a roommate... it just sounds like a really bad situation. And deal or no deal on the rent, one or the other is going to have to leave. Staying together isn't going to solve the issues, and being on "break" but living together and sleeping together isn't a break at all.

[hopefullove]

he has said that he usually runs away from his problems - quick. so this is the first time he is staying. haha it could be because of his awesome living situation...

 

My gf gave me some questions she found online (she is getting married and found these discussion questions she was going to have dialogue with her fiance about)... one of those questions was, How do your parents handle conflict. and for him he said, they yell at each other. They have been together for a long time, and if this is what he sees, maybe its learned. Though i am consciously making an effort to not react anymore. He is always sorry after he explodes. I think both of us have been so used to that behaviour and being able to get away with it, that its become the norm with us. He has said to me, that he isnt perfect but neither am i, and he loves me anyway.

 

Perhaps it was the screaming and cursing, maybe he just let it build it, and i thought he wasnt taking it seriously.

 

You are probably right about the foundation of our relationship. However if what we are doing now, is trying to rebuild a foundation... I mean, it's what I am trying to do. When i use positive reinforcement, it seems to work, when i am calm, it works.. I have noticed that he changes, albeit slowly, but there is effort, so it can't be all bad. When i first met his mother, she said to me, have lots and lots of patience. I think we are 2 people who are used to getting their way. I might have taken him for granted because I always thought he loved me more, and that he should be lucky I have taken him in, so he doesnt have to go on 5 days on a saturday anymore trying to find his best friend/girlfriend...

 

you dont think we are trying to work it through now? He has been calling me his roommate for weeks now, not just last night. I know it sounds bad that we are staying together, but if we work things out, eventually we will have to live together again? so if we can work things out while living together, does it make sense? I am trying to make sense of things. I love him in the fact that I dont want to be with anyone else, i had been desperately in love with my ex (of a year!) for 4 years straight, like ridiculously, and nobody ever made snap out it. I am now trying to be a better person, I am very caring, and considerate to him, the only problem is my temper as well. I think with my efforts, its showing that this is real.

[hopefullove]

roger on the immature part tho. we both have a lot of growing up to do. even though im 29 and he is 30. He is the youngest, and extremely beautiful with model looks so i assume he got away with murder. And i am the only child, and spoiled, not by material, but by affection from my entire family, extended family, and friends. I dont know why, but everyone just lets me get away with everything too. LE SIGH.

[veggirl]

Make him move out! What the heck! He's been living with you for 6 mos and only in the last 6 WEEKS have you gotten contributions to the household from him? He is so selfish. Of course he doesn't want to move out, he has a free ride and can get sex from you if he decides he wants it!

 

you can't MAKE a 30 year old man grow up. That happens to the vast majority of us many years prior to 30 and if nothing has made him grow up yet, nothing is likely going to!

 

Seriously tell him he has a week to find a new place.

[hopefullove]

He pays for rent.

In the beginning it made sense, because we would go out often for food, and dates, and he would pay for that, so i thought it would make sense i paid for things at home but we dont go out anymore, so that is where I think it becomes not fair. We went out once or twice last month where he paid for dinner. I never asked for money, so he thought he could just slide, but now i have it in my calendar to make him give me money ever 2 weeks. I think part of the problem was that I got so fed up and mad that I considered him getting a free ride, but I never asked him to chip in. I just accepted him to do it. We went to Costco and i made sure he paid for it. I just have to start making him pay for things, or get him to buy things when he is getting things.

 

The sex thing. I planned. I knew what I wanted. I made him want to sex me by cooking in lingerie and stockings and heels. and it worked. lol. Other than that, we have not been touching each other except for a hug here and there for 2 weeks+.