Trapped in My Own Mind

[dav6992]

Dated a woman for over 3 years. We broke up/got back together around 7-8 times over this period. Unbelievable for me just to admit that. It is literally driving me nuts. I am in my early 40's, handsome, do well financially, and for the most part very laid back. No kids, no ex wives, just a couple broken engagements over the years and a couple long term relationships (including this last one). I have always ended past relationships and moved on nicely, even becoming friends with most. This last one has taken a toll on me, however, that is incredibly hard to shake.

 

We met by chance, her being very attractive, witty, and charming. The attraction was instant for us both. She is twice-divorced, a child with each ex husband. Both are now teens. That probably should have been my red flag at the time, but I had never dated a woman with children and decided to give it a chance. She was very sweet and made it easy in the beginning to think that there would be no issues regarding all this. Over time, I noticed that I was paying for everything that related to our dating. Even trips taken with her children. In addition, I also noticed her children had a sense of entitlement to the finer things in life, just like their mother. She makes almost 50k a year as a teacher, but also has child support from both ex's and her parents pay for her rent in an upscale neighborhood as well as her car. Any emergency or special expenses were taken care of by her parents. As the months and years wore on, I noticed I was asked to take on more responsibility. By then I was hooked and the kids seemed to be quite fond of me, and despite them being spoiled, I of them. I am all for taking care of a woman whom I am dating. But this got to be too much. She has been provided with things her whole life and always either had a man or her family to provide for her. Her own father even admitted to me they made it too easy for her. She can throw real tantrums when she doesn't get her way or doesn't get enough attention. No matter where we went for upscale dinner/entertainment, trips, gifts, or help with her expenses, it never seemed quite enough. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to help and support her, but got very little in return. Most everytime we broke up, it was over something petty and I found myself miserable without her. Like a drug. Despite all the negativity about her, she also happened to be the funnest, wittiest, most intelligent, beautiful woman I've ever dated. Deep down she has a good heart, but her sense of entitlement drove me nuts. She really kept me on my toes, in a bad way. It was such a love/hate relationship. When we fought, it was epic. I normally tried to take the high road and ignore her when she was in drama mode. Eventually the right button was pushed and it was on. Screaming, name-calling, and it even got to become physical at times. Everytime we broke up, she moved on almost instantly. She cannot be alone. I noticed this pattern even prior to us dating. She has never had a healthy relationship and I don't even know if she knows what that's like. My family/friends all liked her, but didn't approve of how a 40 year old woman could be so dependent on others and were worried for me. I'm a self-aware man and realize how crazy it sounds on how a man clings on to a woman like this and still pines for her. I've always been confident, secure in myself and even- keeled prior to meeting her. I now find myself the exact opposite. I can't believe I wound up this way, thinking about her almost constantly. How do I shake this? I've tried counseling, dating, inviting God into my life. Nothing seems to help rid myself of this hot mess. HELP

[Balzac]

Your final sentence is the scariest. To get it behind you requires effort, discipline and desire. Your post was not about your failed efforts to move on.

 

Lots of folks here have endured the personality disordered partner. It's maybe best to focus on your vulnerability to it, your contribution. At age 40 perhaps you wanted the ready made family dynamic?

 

It was a 3 year slide into addiction. How long has it been over, no contact over?

[KathyM]

Trying to carry on a relationship with a high maintenance woman is like giving yourself over to someone and then running on empty. Nothing will ever be enough for those types, and you will keep feeding the relationship and feeling drained and used and resentful. It's time to jump start your self respect and keep telling yourself that this type of person cannot be maintained long term and is not healthy for you. Every time you find yourself thinking about her, imagine yourself with all the energy, money and emotion being sucked out of you so that eventually those thoughts will curtail your desire to get back with her and you'll be able to move on to someone who is healthier for you. You've been stuck for so many years on this person who is unhealthy for you. It's time to go NC and to adjust your thinking to mentally seeing this person as the impossible and dysfunctional person that she really is. Try the visualization--of you being drained from your energy, money and emotions whenever you think of her, and I would suggest giving counseling another try to develop the strength to move on.

[dav6992]

The last break up was three months ago. I went the first month practically no contact. I was determined. She had contacted me a couple times but I ignored her. She then started upping the ante saying she missed me and sending recent pictures. I usually reply with short one or two-worded answers and act indifferent. Over the last month or so, our contacts have increased and it's taking a toll. It's so incredibly hard not to respond or initiate contact. I know she only seems to miss me when she doesn't have another man giving her attention. The old me would have been able to cut this woman out of my life for good but I seem to be a shell of that person with low confidence... Yes, the ready-made family aspect was quite appealing to me at the time, since I was in my late-thirties when we met. I can't imagine the feeling of being a real dad losing his family. Makes me appreciate what divorce does to people. I know everyone will tell me to block her, but I haven't been able to do that. It's not like she pesters me all the time, just often enough where I start craving a text when I don't hear from her. I know this sounds ridiculous for a 40 something man to feel this way, but here I am

[KathyM]

You need to develop the strength to block her on your phone, your Email and your fb, and keep telling yourself that you are wasting your time with this person. Then put yourself out there to meet others so your loneliness won't tempt you to stay in contact with her.

[dav6992]

Kathy... your tactic is the only thing that seems to work on occaision. It's incredible how easy it is to forget that feeling of resentment and emotional drain I felt when with her. It's as though she's on a pedestal and I crave the negative/positive excitement I had when with her. Given her history with a string of men, I doubt she will ever change and she seems destined to continue this pattern. What also gives me some relief is knowing how I'd be on the hook for her and the kids if we had ever got married and how miserable I'd probably be, much less broke. She is truly an emotional/financial vampire

[KathyM]

Try the visualization I mentioned, blocking her, and investing time in meeting others. I know it's difficult. My son was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a high maintenance woman, and I saw what effect that had on him. Time to break yourself free from that.

[dav6992]

Tell me your son's situation Kathy

[salmagundi]

Hi Dave,

 

A long while ago I went out with a woman who was something like your ex in the sense that she was high maintenance (emotionally, not financially but same diff...) and the experience was extremely draining. Especially because she too had the habit of breaking up, sleeping around and then coming back. She always made sure I was still on the end of her line.

 

I learned something that helped me understand why I hung around so long, and once I understood this I finally let go. You said that you 'craved' contact from her. I was like that too. The reason is a little concept called 'intermittent reinforcement.' Its the mechanism that keeps gamblers hooked but it also is used by unstable people to string along their exes.

 

It goes like this. Put two rats in two separate cages. Give them each a food supply with a button they must push to access it. In the first cage, every time the rat pushes the button, he recieves food. So he develops a sense of security and only pushes the button when he is hungry and wants food. Now in the second cage the rat pushes the button. The first time he gets food. The second time nothing. The third time maybe, maybe not. The fourth and fifth try he gets nothing but on the sixth attempt he recieves food. Continue randomly rewarding the rat with no pattern and rat will become deeply neurotic and compulsive and will begin constantly pushing the button hoping that his reward will come with the next push...or the next. Finally, cease rewarding his efforts at all. What happens? He will not stop pushing the button. He is now deeply self-programmed to believe that the next push will give him his reward.

 

Emotional manipulation works like this and this is why it is so damaging and its effects so lasting. Sometimes she's good to you. Sometimes bad. Sometimes you get back together. Sometimes you don't. This leads to us compulsively breaking NC hoping that this time we will get our reward. And when she goes away for good, it takes much longer to move on and stop hoping she will come around.

 

I don't know if this helps or not. I hope it does. I hope it causes you to take a step back and objectively evaluate the situation and see why you have become so susceptible to this pattern of breaking up and getting back together again. And why you are now in such a mess.

 

And then maybe you will be ready to actually walk away for good. I hope so and wish you luck.