RESO Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) I've just read through the GIGS thread and way too much of it is resonating with me that I kind of have to vent. Assail me if you like. The use of the word "retard" in this post is in its purest form - developmentally stunted so don't read anything from it. Bit of history - it'll probably help. Up until about a year ago, I was a social retard. I'm not bad looking, I'm not losing my hair but I am a geek studying a high level subject. I'm pretty trim and buff. None of this mattered (mental issue I won't disclose). I used to have full scale panic attacks in social spaces, I used to garble everything I said, couldn't tell a joke in large groups, was both fascinated and mortified at being the centre of attention and my ability to cope was inversely proportional to the number of people in that group. I still have no ability to let my hair down - to this day I am mortified of being caught on facebook looking like a complete div. Most of this began to change a year ago after a course of CBT and some pills. Prior to this I'd had a long drawn out series of interludes with a friend with benefits who while I care for a lot, isn't someone I'd ever go out with. They feel the same with me - we vent at each other, go on walks and **** from time to time. I got a new job after uni - I'd never had the uni experience re: social retardation and I began to finally branch out. I had a few other experiences but nothing huge. About 2 months into my recovery I entered into a long distance relationship with a girl. I'm still not sure why I made this decision given I already knew what I was getting into, but I'm going to make it clear that I care about her a lot and in those few interludes when we're together, we have a great, if sporadic sex life. I could fill this post with a list of problems I'm having with her, but I know they're excuses. It's me that's the problem. I'm getting cold feet. The long distance is killing me but it's more than that. I moved away from the job that I had and I just started a PhD in a new city in a new country. All of the old baggage of my old idiotic social life is gone. I am me now. I can hold a conversation with an entire group of people and engage all of them. I tell dirty jokes in public without inwardly cringing when I don't get huge laughter - I've even got a healthy ego now, one that doesn't demand attention and despise it at the same time. My life is going incredibly well. I want to explore it. I get positive attention off people! I'm also a bisexual with exactly one short term experimental fling with a guy and I want to explore that. I should note that I haven't -done- anything about it. In the back of my head, I feel physically sick at the idea of breaking up with my long distance girlfriend. I felt so guilty she's coming over in under a week and I have no idea if it's going to be the start of a prolonged and sufferable break up. At the same time, I look around and I wonder what things would be like if I had someone that was closer to me, that I could see on my own terms. I am getting far too flirty with one girl (herself in a relationship in the same situation, though a smaller distance) where I know if I push it, it'll go places even if they are places I might not like. It doesn't help I feel like she's dependant on me to function. The last time she visited she slept in until 1PM every single day because of sleeping pills, didn't help clean or cook despite living with me for 3 weeks. She has horrible mood swings and gets really depressed without my attention. However these are secondary issues - I knew what I was getting into. I care about her despite these things. At the same time, I don't want to break her or hurt her splitting up with her. She tells me I'm the only thing in her life and I don't know what to make of it. Without me, she is nothing, at least according to her. Did I make her feel like this? Is she using me as a dependency crutch? Why do I feel worse when she says these things? I have no idea what the hell to do. Half of me is terrified of hurting her, the other half is terrified that I'm going to come to resent her for my own inability to cope. That tiny fraction remaining between the two halves is wondering whether this is going to happen in every relationship I have. Tired of feeling down about all of this. I want my freedom but not at the cost of someone's feelings. Edited October 15, 2012 by RESO
rach24680 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Dont stay with her out of pity cs ul end up hurting her even more. u know u want and NEED to break up with her. u need to explore ur feelimgs and be urself. also u said the worse bit - ur guna end up resenting her and itl only digres into an awful break up. Do h really want a girl thats dependant on u? u want somekne with their own ambitions.
Author RESO Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Makes me feel horrible even thinking about it. I know it's what I should be doing but I just can't bring myself to do it. I really care about her, I just can't go on with this relationship being how it is.
Author RESO Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Finally did it. Feeling utterly miserable about it too. I hate the human psyche - to drive us to make decisions that hurt both ways. Makes you wonder why you bother with human relationships in the first place.
River Rain Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I had to end things with my ex and I feel bad about it...but I would have stayed with him out of pity as well, because I didn't want to ever hurt his feelings. I didn't have the GIGS, not sure if you do, but I know how badly you must be feeling. You always have to put yourself first though.
Author RESO Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 It's a pretty miserable time. Still. Back on the horse and all that. Stiff upper lip, chocks away ginger. Already had a bit of a cry but if nothing else, I'm free in a way I haven't been for a long time. I just hope she's okay.
umirano Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Cheer up man, I recently did the same thing. I left my now ex for someone else. My ex was very passive and is having serious self-confidence issues. She is a very nice person, but I couldn't see myself with her for the rest of my life, as her therapist. If you realize someone sucks out all the energy of you, instead of contributing or helping you (because at times one could need help oneself), then it's time to move on. It isn't a romantic relationship anymore, rather a father-daughter, brother-sister or doctor-patient type of relationship. You will both heal, and in the long run she's better off that way too, because it will hopefully trigger something in her. In order to be lovable one needs to take care of oneself.
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