BetrayedH Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Right I have done the no contact letter and posted it through his door today his girlfriend is at work so I know he would be the one to get it ive had no contact from him I just now have to find the courage to tell my partner of the affair thankyou everyone I hope you do it soon, before the OM has a chance to react in some crazy fashion. If it comes to your betrayed partner by any other means than you, it will be much worse. Good luck to you. Hopefully honesty and remorse on your part will allow him to find forgiveness.
Artie Lang Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 ^exactly, BetrayedH. don't tell him you're going to confess. he might beat you to it and throw you under the bus, saying it was all YOUR doing. painting himself as the victim. OM have a knack for doing such things to their AP.
Author kmr86 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Have not mentioned about confessing yet but soon enough he will know
nofool4u Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Thank you betrayed I am willing to confess to my partner even though I know in my heart my partner would leave All the more reason to tell him. So that way he has a choice. By not telling him you are denying him a choice on how his life turns out. And for god's sake, use periods and paragraphs. Your sh*t is too hard to read.
Author kmr86 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 How is it hard to read just because I dont use paragraphs its english
Owl Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Punctuation makes a huge difference in how easy things are to read. That's WHY we use it. 2
nofool4u Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 How is it hard to read just because I dont use paragraphs its english Its hard on the eyes. Its like one huge run on sentence.
Author kmr86 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Well enough about the way I write. Well I have told my partner hes broken he asked alot of questions and I gave honest answers he has said he would like to work through it because he loves me but has left the house to stay with his friend I dont know how long for though. Where did people go from here whats steps did you take to rebuild your relationship do I tell my boyfriends sister as I dont know if my partner will tell her due to it hurting her
road Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Yes, you tell her then you get into counseling to figure out why you were willing to choose the path that would cause so much pain. And your parents and aunts and uncles because of the NC for life issue.
BetrayedH Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 First of all, I want to give you some praise for taking two very difficult steps. To be honest, few waywards are willing to both go NC and to confess. This takes courage and few waywards have it or else they wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. Not much about life is going to feel positive for a while but these steps were self-sacrificing and were really the only hope of restoring your relationship and family. Take a moment to give yourself some credit for taking the hard route rather than an easier one. Second, get to work. I could probably list 30 things you should be doing but I don't have time this morning and you need to get a foundation started. Start with the two books that were mentioned. Get the "How to Help My Spouse..." book TODAY and read it TODAY. Then get the other book (and I can recommend about 5 others after that). As others have said, schedule individual counseling for yourself; this is another thing you can do TODAY. Start taking initiative to rebuild trust in your partner and keep being proactive about it. You need to show him with your actions how much you want to be with him. Lastly, be prepared for your life to be an "open book" for a long time. Freely share any passwords, your phone, your email/text messages, Facebook, financial records, etc.. You need to be transparent and again, proactive. Do not contact the other man no matter how much you are hurting. If he contacts you, do not reply and instead, immediately inform your partner. For now, give your partner the space he has requested. Communicate your willingness to talk whenever he is ready but don't hound him. You're going to want reassurance but you can't have it right now and he's going to perceive that as more selfishness on your part. But when he's ready to talk, be prepared to show him that you are taking whatever actions you can to help him heal and you've already started on several. This is going to take a long time; show him that you are not going to leave but you are instead ready to do whatever is necessary over the long haul. If you are open, honest, and doing whatever you can, you give yourself the best chance. As you've seen, you predicted that he would immediately be done with you and he isn't. He might be done later and no one can blame him but you need to grab this opportunity and be thankful for him staying as it is truly a gift. Good luck today. 1
BetrayedH Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) By the way, I'm not sure you should immediately be going around and exposing this affair to everyone. Some betrayed partners will want to tell everyone that is close to them so that they can get support and it would most certainly make continuing the affair later much more difficult (if not impossible) for you. You can see why people might recommend exposure. Affairs thrive in the dark and die in the sunlight. That said, your partner gets a vote on this. Some people are horribly embarrassed about staying with a cheater and the last thing they will want is for everyone to know about it. If you go telling people without his knowledge or consent, he may get really pissed. Give him the choice about who he wants to know. The key here is for you to be willing to have the affair exposed, to be vulnerable, and (if someone needs to be told) then you are the one to do it. Once you have communication with him, tell him that you do not need him to hide your indiscretions but that you are, in fact, willing to own your mistakes and tell family & apologize if that's what he wants or needs. I will say that your partner's sister does eventually need to know what she is dealing with. She deserves to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life and she deserves an apology from you. But again, I think this is a decision that you need to make in conjunction with your partner. It's his sister and he's most certainly going to have an opinion that he wants to be valued. You are a TEAM from here on out. Make your decisions about these types of things together. Edited October 17, 2012 by BetrayedH
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 OP, well done. Hard decision, but you made it and executed the steps. Very well done. I agree with BetrayedH, that the exposure decision belongs with you and your SO together. Support him in what he wants - it is one way you can begin to make amends. Agree with BetrayedH about pretty much everything else too. Best wishes with reconciliation. A thought - if when he comes back he needs to bonk a lot, it won't be a good time to have a headache. Tacky but true. Best wishes with your reconciliation.
Author kmr86 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Thankyou everyone my partner has been in contact today to ask what I was up too he put love you at the end of his message which made me feel a bit better its strange how now my partner is staying away for a while I miss him alot. I hope I can be a better person and we can one day have a wonderful life
BetrayedH Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Thankyou everyone my partner has been in contact today to ask what I was up too he put love you at the end of his message which made me feel a bit better its strange how now my partner is staying away for a while I miss him alot. I hope I can be a better person and we can one day have a wonderful life His feelings for you aren't likely to disappear immediately. He will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for quite a while. You're going to have to be strong and steady to help him. As for you missing him, it's no surprise to me. It sounds like he is going to do what he can to see your human side and forgive you. He probably loves you and your heart is smart enough to know that you should be grateful and embrace him. Of course you miss him; he's been hurt by you and still cares about you enough to try to make it work. You're a lucky woman. And while I would never say that an affair "caused" your relationship to improve, it is many times a serious wake-up call to both partners to either reinvest in what they have or get out. It takes a lot of work to heal a relationship from infidelity but there are many spouses here that would tell you that they wouldn't change their decision. It's very difficult because one minute it can create such an enormous emotional bond that perhaps you have never had before and then next minute can be agony for him trying to stop having visions of you with the OM and you will both be miserable. As for being a "better person," your affair doesn't have to define you. I try not to think of people as good or bad. We are all a combination of the two from time to time. I think of decisions or actions as being good or bad. Keep making good decisions consecutively over a long period of time and that is what will define you. Keep doing the right thing and find within yourself the patience to wait for those better days to come.
Artie Lang Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 i'd like to be a fly on the wall during thanksgiving dinner. you gave your husband the gift that keeps on giving this year-- INFIDELITY.....with a family member, no less.
Author kmr86 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Artie how is your comment relevant I did what I did and I and doing what I need to do to rebuild my relationship I had my affair just short of 2 months some peoples go on for years and affairs with family are common
LeGenDary_Man Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) Artie how is your comment relevant I did what I did and I and doing what I need to do to rebuild my relationship I had my affair just short of 2 months some peoples go on for years and affairs with family are common You CANNOT justify your affair. You think that it would be EASY for your partner to rebuild this relationship? He may not percieve you in the same light as he originally used to after DD. Your actions have not just hurt him but will also his sister when she will find out. Think about the damage this can do to your relationship in the long run and its impact on your children. By the way! It is good that you ended the affair but do not be quick to jump to conclusions. Your rebuilding effort MAY or MAY NOT work. This is the point that you need to understand. Good luck and keep us informed. Edited October 18, 2012 by LeGenDary_Man
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I had my affair just short of 2 months some peoples go on for years and affairs with family are common You are clearly underestimating how much damage infidelity does with this statement minimizing it. And since you've involved his sister, he may never be able to escape the damage. Artie may not always be graceful but he's pretty damn near always right. If you aren't truly remorseful for this double-betrayal, you should let your partner go now.
Author kmr86 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 I do hate what I did and I hate myself for what I did im lucky to have a partner who will hopefuly forgive me in time what I did was terrible wrong no matter what I felt at the time and I would tell women who were considering a affair you too or to leave there partners then do what they want some people believe cheaters are always cheaters but I will never have a affair again in my life time
road Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Artie how is your comment relevant I did what I did and I and doing what I need to do to rebuild my relationship I had my affair just short of 2 months some peoples go on for years and affairs with family are common You have to go NC with the OM. You have placed your parents, aunts and uncles, grandp's to decide who to invite then who to not invite the WW or the WH. Some won't make that decision based on their ignorance on NC. You in your responsibility to maintain NC will wind up having yourself, BH, children not accepting many invitaions as a condition to maintain NC. Consequences. You danced now it's time to pay the band. Bands are expensive. This band is going to take a life time to pay off.
road Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I do hate what I did and I hate myself for what I did im lucky to have a partner who will hopefuly forgive me in time what I did was terrible wrong no matter what I felt at the time and I would tell women who were considering a affair you too or to leave there partners then do what they want some people believe cheaters are always cheaters but I will never have a affair again in my life time Does not matter whether you will have 10 more affairs or 0 more. What matters is that you can never undo sleeping with your BIL. That you must maintain all forms of NC with your OM and the collateral damage that goes with it. You have removed yourself your BH, your children from interacting with their relatives for the rest of their lives. You keep failing to admit to this.
Author kmr86 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 How do I have to admit that yes I am doing no contact but if my partner and child want to attend family affairs without me that is there choice im not going to stop then seeing family because its not there fault I did it just because I have to have no contact with the other man doesnt mean my family cant carry on seeing relatives
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Well enough about the way I write. Well I have told my partner hes broken Lemme get this straight, you cheat, and HE is the broken one here? I don't think so. he has said he would like to work through it because he loves me Ok, perhaps he is broken then. No offense to him whatsoever. Because he would do well to not want to work it through with you and move on to a better lived life. Where did people go from here whats steps did you take to rebuild your relationship Why rebuild? You'll only do this to him again. Best you stay single. do I tell my boyfriends sister as I dont know if my partner will tell her due to it hurting her Nah, you tell your hopefully stbX-bf and let him tell his sister.
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Artie how is your comment relevant I did what I did It should actually be a comment to take to heart since you have brought down alot of pain on this family. What you did to them is very relevant and like he said, should be an interesting Thanksgiving dinner. I don't even know how you could show your face there. I had my affair just short of 2 months some peoples go on for years and affairs with family are common Oh, because it was just short of 2 months, that makes all the difference in the world? Its clear you are a justifier. You told your bf that HE is the one thats broken, and are putting a timeline on how bad cheating is. You are simply justifying
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I do hate what I did and I hate myself for what I did im lucky to have a partner who will hopefuly forgive me in time what I did was terrible wrong no matter what I felt at the time and I would tell women who were considering a affair you too or to leave there partners then do what they want some people believe cheaters are always cheaters but I will never have a affair again in my life time I have been in the position of staying with a cheater for a very short while. Even though his family might put on a happy face and try not to treat you badly, and act as if nothing ever happened, trust me....they will hate you inside. My parents and sister hated my x-wife when they found out she was cheating on me, but in the short time I stayed with her, they had to pretend as if everything was ok and not get involved. After I announced I was divorcing her, they opened up and were relieved.
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