kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) Hi I need some help this is the first time ive posted ivebeen with my man for 5 years now and my other man has been with his partner for just over the same none of us are married but I have a child and he has a child from a ex ex relationship my other man is my partners sisters partner so his girlfriend is my daughter's aunty about 6 weeks ago he started making comments to me and we started a affair I want to stop I know nothing good can come out me it and I want to work on my family I feel that I have feelings for my other man maybe even feel like I love him but weather it is real I dont know I think the reason it started is because I wasnt getting any love at home my relationship wasnt bad I just didnt feel loved and my other man is in a relationship with his partner where its more like friends how do you get over the guilt how do you do no contact when you have to see them because of family stuff and how do you stop yourself going back its like im in limbo and im struggling ive never had a affair before any help or views would be a great help Edited October 15, 2012 by kmr86
kae Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Just tell him and stop!DONE! Have some conviction..you`ll be proud of yourself.
Artie Lang Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 you're screwing your bf's sisters' partner?
Author kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I understand you say just stop but its not that easy I guess now that I have slept with him on numerous occasions its made it even more complicated
Author kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Yes I know its wrong we was all living together at the time me and my partner has now moved out I know it couldnt be with anyone worse I want to stop im the worse or the worst and it was low I realise that
Artie Lang Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) you two really f*cked up! the reasons you're giving as the cause of the affair is a bunch of BS. all those feelings of neglect doesn't give you a right to jump in the sack with another man. you should've talked to your bf about your feelings, before dropping your pants for this other guy. if you want to make things right, you need to confess to your bf. Edited October 15, 2012 by Artie Lang 1
Author kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I did talk to my boyfriend how I felt on many occasions I explained to him many times im not trying to give excuses im trying to understand why the affair happened and to make it right I know I need to confess to my partner thats not the issue its about how to end it with the other man and to hear from anyone with similar situations or get advice from people who ended there affairs
Artie Lang Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 confessing to your bf is a start to ending it. see, affairs thrive in secrecy. by exposing it, you stop it dead in it's tracks.....it loses it's appeal, so to speak. you need to do this ASAP, if you really want to end it. 3
BetrayedH Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Artie is right. First, you need to end the affair. Period. I don't have a lot of advice on "how" to end it except to say that this is a decision. You need to make a decision and you need to keep to that decision. Affairs are destructive and usually end up harming all three people involved (then you can start adding in the other betrayed partner and all the kids). You can keep doing what you're doing or you can stop. Going no contact is another commitment. Unfortunately, this is a disaster because it's your partner's family. Assuming your partner is willing to reconcile with you, your partner is going to have to determine how to move forward when it comes to the family. I recommend that you get the book, How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair. It is a short and straight-forward book that will give you the basics. You cannot heal your relationship with this huge wall between you so you're going to have to find the courage to confess. Then you have a lot of steps to take to help your betrayed partner to heal and the book will give you a foundation. You're going to get a lot of grief here from people that don't much appreciate being betrayed. I recommend you stick through all of that and answer questions honestly, thoroughly, and without defensiveness. It's hard to do (everyone wants to defend themselves) but consider this a practice run for what you will have to endure from your betrayed partner. All that said, I think coming here to ask about how to stop your affair was your first step in the right direction. Well done. From here, I hope you keep making decisions that take you in the right direction. It's time to start living an authentic life. 2
Author kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Thank you betrayed I am willing to confess to my partner even though I know in my heart my partner would leave my other man always tells me no one can ever find out so I believe him to be the kind of person who would put all blame on me and none on himself im hoping to have as minimal contact as possible starting by deleting his number ect I really care about my partner alot and never though I would do this but I want to change
road Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 You need to go NC with the OM. That means if OM is at a family function you can't be there. You must tell your Betrayed BF and his sister. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
standtall Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Let the beatings begin! BTW, I actually agree with artie..you must reveal your affair. Nothing will progress until you do that.
scatterd Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I also agree with Artie you need to come clean and stop this right now. This is going to be hard one. You definitely are to close to home. One day you will get caught anyway. If Brother and Sister are close they will talk and put two and two together. Having an affair drains from your relationship,you may not think your partner knows and they may not, but they feel something is wrong and have not pin pointed it yet. This is going to hurt but the longer this goes on the more lies will stack.
Author kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I understand I need lo tell my partner is it wrong to want to end the affair before I tell my partner how have people gone through with no contact when the affair partner has been brother in law or someone family related what do you do when they try to contact ect this is what im struggling with
Chi townD Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Artie is right. You want to stop the affair and kill the feelings you have for your affair partner? Tell your boyfriend. When you see the anger and the pain and the hurt that you've caused by your actions in his eyes, you'll be ashamed and then you'll start to feel ashamed of the affair partner. Knowing that the two of you caused the pain that your boyfriend is going through. He'll start to seem less attractive to you.
yessy21 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Show some respect to yourself and your child. End it and tell them the truth. Like that your childs aunt doesnt take it out on her when everything blows up in your face. NOTHING in life stays hidden.
Author kmr86 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) Bent not broken thankyou for your answer has anyone ended the affair before telling there partner or has it always ended after it was found out Edited October 15, 2012 by kmr86
BetrayedH Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) Bent not broken thankyou for your answer has anyone ended the affair before telling there partner or has it always ended after it was found out There have been plenty of both situations. Plenty more than that have been discovered instead of being disclosed. Let's get you to the "best case" scenario. Your best bet is to end the affair first with a "no contact" letter to your affair partner. Tell him you are returning to your primary relationship and rededicating your life to your partner. Out of respect for your partner, you will have no more contact with him (the other man) for life. Tell him to never contact you again and that you will not respond to any communication from him. Keep it short and keep it simple. This relationship is over for life. Do not share any emotional goodbyes or any such emotional connection. Sever it. If he calls, you do not answer and you change your number. If he emails, you do not reply, you switch everything to a new email account and you block his address. Threaten exposure of the affair to your partner's sister if necessary. Then as soon as you have established no contact, you confess to your betrayed partner. You show your dedication to your partner via the no contact letter that you initiated and by the fact that you voluntarily disclosed the affair. Just by voluntary disclosure (rather than being discovered), you literally double your chances of reconciling. If you cannot establish and maintain NC on your own, then disclose your affair to your betrayed partner first, express your willingness to answer all questions with complete honesty, to do whatever is necessary to fix what you have broken, and ask for their mercy and help to rid yourself of the mess you have gotten into. Edited October 16, 2012 by BetrayedH
BetrayedH Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Want to do more? Order both of the books that have been suggested and schedule individual counseling for yourself to help determine "why" you had this affair. You could have fixed your relationship or left it. Why would you choose to sleep with a man in your partner's family instead?
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 OP. You know you must end the affair. You know you should come clean to your partner. The way to make both these things happen is to come clean now. Instead, you are saying to yourself "I must end the affair first" and then not doing it. Not enough for you? Consider this: There is also a risk the affair will come out or your partner or affair-partner's partner will become suspicious themselves, which will lead to exposure. What will happen then? A confession will be worth nothing. What for relations with the father of your child then? At least by confessing you salvage a very little trust on which more trust can grow. You are waiting for the right time? It is now. Right this instant. Now.
Artie Lang Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) Your best bet is to end the affair first with a "no contact" letter to your affair partner. Tell him you are returning to your primary relationship and rededicating your life to your partner. Out of respect for your partner, you will have no more contact with him (the other man) for life. Tell him to never contact you again and that you will not respond to any communication from him. this is not possible given that all parties involved are so close-- they're practically family, for heaven's sake. infidelity is one of the worst things you can inflict on someone. cheating with a family member is even worse, if that's possible. i see no other solution than to confess/expose it to her bf.[well, the another solution being to continue the affair with her common-law BIL] Edited October 16, 2012 by Artie Lang
Author kmr86 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Thankyou everyone for your input no contact is possible through text phone ect but not face to face I know what I have to do now which is confess to my partner today which I plan to do today hopefuly I would of gotten the courage to do it by this evening im a scared of my other mans reaction about me bringing it out if told me never to tell
BetrayedH Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 this is not possible given that all parties involved are so close-- they're practically family, for heaven's sake. infidelity is one of the worst things you can inflict on someone. cheating with a family member is even worse, if that's possible. i see no other solution than to confess/expose it to her bf.[well, the another solution being to continue the affair with her common-law BIL] I just agree with Road that she can avoid family outings where the SIL and OM are in attendance. NC is possible, just messy as hell. I think she needs to commit to it or she's going to find that she's in NC with all of them soon.
road Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Thankyou everyone for your input no contact is possible through text phone ect but not face to face I know what I have to do now which is confess to my partner today which I plan to do today hopefuly I would of gotten the courage to do it by this evening im a scared of my other mans reaction about me bringing it out if told me never to tell NC is mandatory. No contact by any means is allowed. There is no need to speak or see the OM to end this affair. Just send the NC letter. No need to include the fact that you are going to expose this affair and to who in the NC letter to the OM.
Author kmr86 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Right I have done the no contact letter and posted it through his door today his girlfriend is at work so I know he would be the one to get it ive had no contact from him I just now have to find the courage to tell my partner of the affair thankyou everyone
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