This might finally be it for us - 3 years

[ellowmay]

I've been reading some of the threads and I gotta say...I didn't think that it would help me much, but just seeing all these words people write as letters to an open universe is making me feel better.

 

I do have a story and a question though. Sorry if it is really long, but I appreciate any responses.

 

I am a notorious worrier, and I usually get ahead of myself, though my thoughts and evaluations are often correct. I've been in a relationship (my very first) for three years with a guy who was really the best and worst choice for a first love. He has been my angel, and no I do not mean a fluffy hallmark creature, but a judger, a tester, a teacher, and a good friend to me during this time. I met him when I was seventeen and in my last year of high school. Subsequent to our beginning to date we have been through the most unimaginable series of events together. During our relationship, my dad died, I was forced out of my house, we've been to the hospital on various occasions for various reasons, had the most epic car trouble of all history and time, had sickness, family trouble, school failures and despair, personal crises, and through it all we loved each other like neither of us had experienced love before. Though he was 4 years my senior he had never had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months before me.

 

And our relationship was really solid for the most part, save for a few hiccups. We really loved each other and were good to each other and for each other, and soon enough everyone came to know and love us together. Everything that troubled us was the outside circumstances. First, since we lived far apart it was the distance, then deeper in we realized family problems were huge. My family essentially disintegrated when my dad died, so the focus fell on his family. He's in a really unhealthy situation with his family, because the whole lot of them have been through the gambit of physical domestic abuse and whatnot. He even has PTSD as a result, and he's psychologically tied into his family's corrupt system of abuse and codependency and so are his brothers.

 

That in itself is a long explanation, so I will just say that it is a very, VERY complicated family situation, and he is stuck in the middle of it mentally and physically because he is the oldest. He doesn't have a job, or a place to stay that is his own, and he doesn't know what he's doing with his life. Yet, he is always allowed a place to stay with his family, so this feeds into his complacency and indecision with his life. I'm barely struggling to find a place to stay myself and keep in college, and have had to rely on him a lot for a place to live (i.e. living with his family or in houses that belonged to his family). So we also have an element of back and forth because we will live together and be inseparable for a few months, then something will happen and we will be apart because I need a different place to live.

 

In these instances, it is very apparant how different we are. He is more easily adaptable to change and can deal with no contact or being off the map, even cold and unattached in some ways but that's just how he is because of the life he has had. He doesn't worry at all lol He's very optimistic, whereas I worry and wonder and want and feel strongly and doubt. ON the same token, I am more proactive than he is, and what I want is so stupidly simple I don't see why we can't achieve it. I just want a place that is MY OWN, so I can have more control over my life, and get my freedom from all this oppression from tragic incidences and family feuding. But his pseudo-stockholm-syndrome mindset, combined with complacency and enabling by his codependent family makes this impossible on a reasonable schedule. He is possibly years away (if ever) from being able to break away from his situation and become a man for real. And I may not even be ready, seeing as I am young and still in school. So we are just on different schedules with different lifestyles.

 

HOWEVER, that being said, as I mentioned before, our love is something we recognize as unique. We have had an extraordinary relationship, and I swear to you I feel like he was put directly in my path for a reason. The universe knew all the tragedy that was coming my way when I graduated and it put him there for me. But now I fear that the time for our relationship is almost up. We are both at a place where we are not suffering as much except by our own hands in this relationship, and we know exactly how we need to change individually and both feel like we need to regain control of our own lives independently if we can even hope to have a future together. And I would like to have a future with this guy, he is a wonderful person, and he's been by my side when no one else has.

 

But there's the kicker. He's been here, this whole time, when I've lost family and friends by the tons. I have nearly no one left except for him. And this last time that we stopped living together we planned on breaking up to retain the dignity of our friendship and make things easier. But intervening circumstances have made BOTH of us go back on that decision several times, leaving us both feeling confused and distraught (me more so than him though).

 

I feel like I'm going to suffer way more than he will when this ends, because I really don't have anyone to fill my void, and he has family (even though they may hold him back from progress). I am so afraid of more loss and grief that I cannot bring myself to break up with him, and he really doesn't want to hurt me or lose my friendship. HOwever, if we continue on this way it will damage our friendship I think. I just don't know how to let this go because I keep relaxing into the idea that I can wait, if I can just wait and see what happens maybe something will change. Maybe he will change, and maybe we can make it happen. But I know this is wrong, and it isn't healthy for me to hold on so tightly....I am just so scared of going back into that dark place like I was in after my dad died....I actually fear a bit for my life, and I don't want to lose my positive progress with school.

 

I'm not sure if it would be better to just stop talking to him as regularly (maintaining the friendly atmosphere as much as possible though) or if I should just bite the bullet and break it off, or if I should wait and pursue this relationship for a little bit longer to see if anything works out or changes. I just don't want to make a hasty decision and regret it. And I don't want to hurt and be in pain. I can't take any more pain and loss, I've only just started to feel alive again in the last few months...

 

any good advice would be appreciated. This thought process goes even more in depth but I can only type so much.

 

Sorry this is so long but I thought I might as well try to post it.

[kae]

this sounds like its mostly about you wanting him to move out with you. I`ll tell you this, im in my lateish 20`s and i dont know what my life is about. I find many my age even with 40 thousand dollar debts know what they are doing. I wish sometimes i had a home to go back to to pause and feel safe but when i experience this need i end up on welfare. Im not lazy but im confused and am always worried about my housing adding to anxiety. Be happy for your boyfriend and be his friend. He needs acceptance and support in what his choices are. Life f-en sucks. let him live on his timeline. You dont think he feels like **** cuz he has no clue?? He has his own pressures, dont add to it!

 

Life is long ..take your time. if you need stability.. go get yourself .. dont look to anyone to make you happy and safe. take care of yourself. be an inspiration not a pain in the ...

 

worry means you dont trust - remember this

[ellowmay]

this sounds like its mostly about you wanting him to move out with you. I`ll tell you this, im in my lateish 20`s and i dont know what my life is about. I find many my age even with 40 thousand dollar debts know what they are doing. I wish sometimes i had a home to go back to to pause and feel safe but when i experience this need i end up on welfare. Im not lazy but im confused and am always worried about my housing adding to anxiety. Be happy for your boyfriend and be his friend. He needs acceptance and support in what his choices are. Life f-en sucks. let him live on his timeline. You dont think he feels like **** cuz he has no clue?? He has his own pressures, dont add to it!

 

Life is long ..take your time. if you need stability.. go get yourself .. dont look to anyone to make you happy and safe. take care of yourself. be an inspiration not a pain in the ...

 

worry means you dont trust - remember this

 

Indeed you are right. The living situation has been the main focus lately, but mostly because I've been under pressure feeling like I had nowhere to go or like...you know...food to eat lol And I really DO want to support him and be his friend. I want him to be happy more than anything! I am just starting to realize that even though I feel like I could help him make his dreams happen and mine, that it may just not be realistic.

 

I don't want to add to any of the pressure, but that's the problem I guess. I feel like his lack of action and my overaction are taking a toll on us both, but I am the one that kinda gets the **** end of the stick in this situation, so it's been hard to let go.

[ellowmay]

My guy's phone is currently/temporarily shut off because he can't pay the bill. As a result we have not been in contact except for the briefest conversation on facebook. I think this might be it...it might be time to let us drift enough to let go. I have been trying really hard not to think about him or contact him, except for a few friendly words tonight...but I'm really f*cked up about this situation. I feel like sh*t. I miss him and I love him and I want him to make contact with me and I want really badly for us to make it, but I know it won't happen and I'm just really broken up about it. I don't have many friends to fill my time up with. I know this sounds pathetic but I don't care. My first love is falling away from me in succession after my dad and my best friend and I'm sad.

[ReadMyThread]

My guy's phone is currently/temporarily shut off because he can't pay the bill. As a result we have not been in contact except for the briefest conversation on facebook. I think this might be it...it might be time to let us drift enough to let go. I have been trying really hard not to think about him or contact him, except for a few friendly words tonight...but I'm really f*cked up about this situation. I feel like sh*t. I miss him and I love him and I want him to make contact with me and I want really badly for us to make it, but I know it won't happen and I'm just really broken up about it. I don't have many friends to fill my time up with. I know this sounds pathetic but I don't care. My first love is falling away from me in succession after my dad and my best friend and I'm sad.

 

Wow. I'm so sorry. You WILL get through this. With time and dedication. Believe me, there is ALWAYS better out there. Remember that.

[Unity]

This may serve as a different perspective... Maybe the others are right and it's time to call it quits, but they don't see the good parts of your relationship, like you said. I can't be sure, because I'm not there.. and maybe this sounds backwards, but I've actually gotten a dating advice column for women that talks about dating other men.. etc. I don't know, sorry you're hurting. Try having a realistic conversation with yourself about what you need out of a relationship and think if she provides that. Don't just focus on the downsides.

 

I think women may kind of be competing with men in a sense... a lot of the time guys ogle other chicks, look up pornography occasionally.. etc.. if she's only flirtaciously texting from time to time in my opinion it's not really a huge deal and the less you view it as a threat, the less she'll likely do it. Maybe you could text some cute girls? Or go on a date or two of your own? You don't have to do anything physical, but if that's the tone she's setting for the relationship, maybe that's what she needs to show her how much you really mean to her and she doesn't need time. Just a thought. Commitment doesn't come easily to everyone, but nothing worth having is ever easy. Good luck!

[ellowmay]

thank you for the advice.

 

Btw y'all I'm a girl, and I was dating a guy lol Though I'm not opposed to dating a girl...so that's funny anyway.

 

Still having huge issues with this break up but there's nothing anyone can do for it I guess.

[LostOne1]

thank you for the advice.

 

Btw y'all I'm a girl, and I was dating a guy lol Though I'm not opposed to dating a girl...so that's funny anyway.

 

Still having huge issues with this break up but there's nothing anyone can do for it I guess.

that's the hard part.. that we want control of the situation and be able to have things OUR way. But the sad part is.. life doesn't work that way at all.

 

I know when my ex left me it was the same. I wanted some way to control the problem and make it all better. But I think that only made things worse. Fact is we CANT control the outcome always.. sometimes we have to let it all playout for itself.

 

During this tough time remember you have ALL of us HERE to talk to you and give you support. So don't ever feel like you're alone because YOU ARE NOT. Just remember that and smile!