Used to be OM but now dating the girl, do we sometimes want to be the otheR?

[echoparkdude]

My current fiancee and I started dating when her ex-bf was out of the country. It was a very intense and romantic relationship but I always knew I was the other guy and I was okay with it until now. In retrospect, I cherish every moment of that "affair" if you can call it that but now I can get the ex-bf out of my mind. I despise him for being in the way and now I can say that he was in the way and not me.

 

When the ex came back to the country, she went back to him. Granted that it was to break up with him in a nice way because she's a nice girl and she doesn't want to hurt him too much, she still went back to him. She stayed in his place for a few days, slept in his bed. I wouldn't feel the way I do now if she hadn't done that. I just don't know what to do stop feeling like the OM even though I'm not anymore.

 

1. Can a relationship where you started off as an OM or OW be healthy?

 

2. If you all the passion was during the time when you were the OM/OW does it mean that you like being the other? Some people just like a drama filled relationship...

[wildturkey]

I think that affairs work for a while because it has this exiting feeling of "sneaking around and we got away with it!" I think that you have corrected a problem you had by being exclussive now. Talk to your partner about what you did before and tell her how you felt before and how you feel now. May happen to you this time. Pay attention.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

I agree with wildturkey, you should be carefull. I got caught up in a o/w o/m relationship and although i am not with him now my current b/f knows about it and the trust is still hard to get back. i find him alwasys throwing it up in my face that i was a "cheater" with someone else and how is he to know i wont do it to him.

[wildturkey]

I think it is bad when people bring the past or use the past against you. Specially that they knew it before being with you. All that tells me is that they really do not have a valid reason to justify their actions so they have to use the "ultimate" weapon. If you love someone do not hurt them. There are weapons you should not use in this business. They create resentment

[reservoirdog1]

A couple of things to mention in response:

 

1)

Can a relationship where you started off as an OM or OW be healthy?

Sure it can. But the statistics aren't good. In fact, they suck. Something like 80% of relationships that start as affairs don't last.

 

2)

but now I can (sic) get the ex-bf out of my mind. I despise him for being in the way and now I can say that he was in the way and not me.

I guess you can feel what you want about that, but the fact is, you don't have the right to despise him. You were in the wrong in the situation, not him. He's just the poor bastard who got stuck with the s*** and disrespect that his cheating GF gave him. I doubt that anything I could say could convince you to agree with my view, so the best I can suggest is that you try to forget about him. After all, YOU won. You got her (though she might not be much of a prize -- see below). He got his heart broken, partly through actions of yours. You're not entitled to a pity party. So just get over it.

 

3) Many people wiser than me have observed that "if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you." She may be the one who likes all the drama, and now that you're with her out in the open, that's all gone. Consider yourself warned. You play with matches, you get burned.

[echoparkdude]

thanks for all the advice. i am very much aware of the risk. i wish it didn't have to happen that way but it did.