ParadeRain Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 What a disgusting disease You know why? I was just reading a post about how dumpers feel about ending a relationship... I feel enlightened... Dumpee - The feeling of nothing to live for, a constant agonizing tormenting pain, would move a mountain to have them back, would give up everything in your life just to rewind time and have them love you again, depressed, sad and lonely. Dumper - The feeling of relief, the feeling of freedom, looking to the future, new sex, new dating, you know they love you, you know they want you back, you don't care, you don't want them anymore, positive, fresh and free. Crazy, as for the dumper I think that's like bursting out laughing at a funeral. I don't think dumpers deserve a neutral/positive feeling from a break up, knowing that there's a dumpee on the other end experiencing one of the worst feelings that they will ever experience in life...
Berna Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 As in all things, I think it depends on the personalities. I did feel sad about the end of the relationship, but eventually, I felt relief. As for him, he felt awful guilt, even told me he would write a song about it. He is the dumper, I am the dumpee.
Calico Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Dumper - The feeling of relief, the feeling of freedom, looking to the future, new sex, new dating, you know they love you, you know they want you back, you don't care, you don't want them anymore, positive, fresh and free. And which of those feelings can a dumpee not have? Except the "know they want you back", and that isn't even true for all cases. My ex cannot have me back, and if KatZee's ex did as much as even try, she'd tear him to tiny little pieces of bloody meat (that would be fun to watch)! I told you this before, less bluntly than now: You need to snap out of feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, we all got dumped, we all know what it feels like. But at some point you have to tell yourself that enough is enough. You won't get your ex back by pitying yourself, and really, even for potential new partners it's very unattractive when you're *always* like this. Grief and feel the pain. But do make a little room for some healthy selfishness. It's NOT the responsibility of your ex to make you happy or ensure that you are functional. It is YOUR responsibility. An ex (or even a partner) is not like a parent. It's this intense dependency that kills many relationships. Here's a chance to learn to deal with it better. Seize it. Love is great. Obsession is not. 4
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Lmao... I really did make an impact on you didn't I Calico?! I agree that the pain was very bad in the beginning OP but as Calico said it's up to YOU now to change your mentality. Once I snapped out of it, I started to feel all the things the dumper would feel. Excited for the future. Happy to be free. Finally seeing things from a realistic standpoint and not the rose colored glasses one. All relationships are different, but if you were in an unhealthy, toxic, damaging relationship, NOW is the time to start to see that and to realize you deserve more. I finally woke up to my exes crappy behavior and how s.hitty of a boyfriend he truly was even though when I was with him I thought rainbows and sunshine blew out of his a.ss. Love and the end of relationships are meant to teach you things. The person was in your life when you needed them to be. And once they fulfill their mission in your life and teach you all you need to know, their job is done. That's how I see things now. Look back on what you've learned. About relationships, life, yourself... chances are you've learned a lot. Now it's time to take those lessons on with you into the future. 1
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 but I don't think you realize that even with a quiet, under the carpet-sweeping, passive aggressive man, that you are still 50% of the communication, and therefore 50% of the problem. I'm sorry but this is a bunch of BS. Or I'm not understanding what you're saying here, so you may need to clarify. Trying to "communicate" with this type of person (my ex to a T) is like bashing your head against a brick wall. It's like trying to communicate with a pile of rocks. You can stand there all day talking from the heart, and at the end of it they're still laying there like lumps staring back up at you, while contributing nothing. I had zero issues with communication. If something bothered me, I spoke up. I expressed what I needed, and wanted from him. I came up with ideas and plans for how we should get through our issues. My ex sat there like a dumb deaf mute. "Yes'ing" me to death. Only telling me what I wanted to hear at that minute. "Yes honey, I'll try harder. Now can we go on with our day?" He was a classic rug sweeper, he never communicated a THING. He never told me how he felt, or if we had issues he never came to me saying so. In our case, he would let it build for months, in one instance the building of this was A YEAR LONG. And in that year, I honestly thought we were perfect together. There was NO indication (and literally none) that there were issues. His family, his friends, even STRANGERS! would come up to us and tell us we were such a beautiful couple. So, tell me how I was 50% of the problem in this relationship regarding communication? Even when I realized he was a s.hit communicator I came up with ideas for how he could become better at it. He would tell me that he was "scared" to open up because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" or whatever the f.uck he meant with that. I said, "PLEASE, you will NOT hurt my feelings if you come to me saying something is bothering you. We will fix it and be a stronger couple!" And again, yes me to death. And zero change. I would just love to know how I was 50% the communication problem. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I think KatZee was saying that SHE was the one who, like you, tried to communicate, but the other party was not willing or able to (or both) She tried her best, she could not change the fact her ex was a loser with no ability to communicate and instead, just let sh.i8t happen so as to have things like, say, cheating eposides. Some people are just too stupid to tell their partners that they are serious considering f8cking around with other women/men, so they just go and do it without the ability to talk about the problems that lead them to do that. Rant over. Sorry, I would go crazy if my partner was not able to communicate! And my partner even hates talking about feelings and relationship sh*t, but if I am unhappy, he is willing to work things out, without making me feel bad about bringing sh*t up. it is such a cop out when men "don't want to talk about" sh8T.
Leigh 87 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I read that too, and that's why I added parts like "rather be on my own". and how I detest wasting time/energy on people. This lack of communication didn't just happened, they settled for it, and when it became unignorable- it became a serious problem. cause it is a problem, and completely "Oxymoronic" to what it means to be in a relationship with another person. To be able to be happy and in love with and yourself FIRST, is something I deem very important on a personal level (Self-Communication is key there, too.) And, that directly reflects the relationships I will enter. I also need smacks in the head from time to time. Edit.. I concur, it is a "Copout." The only thing could be timing, as in-"I haven't finished thinking about it, yet. But I will get back to you." Man, I love how you do not waste time or energy. My top things I look for in a guy! haha, as well as a love for travel and the outdoors:laugh: (and motor bikes...) I just need a person who I can voice all my concerns to. And even if they hate communicating about the relationship, they do it anyway, because they care about you, and the fact you need to get your feelings out. My boyfriend hated it, but put up with it ad nauseum. Because I have issues and we have needed tremendous communication on my part, in order to get to where we are. Luckily it was down to my personal issues, and we are actually great now that I am very clear on where the relationship is, and what we mean to each other. Funnily enough, some people are not apt to communicate things; my partner was happy and assumed everything was okay if I Just "dropped the issues and enjoyed our time together" SO it is not that some people do not want to communicate, rather they dislike it, and assume that, for instance, if a girl has issues within herself that are sabotaging the relationship, that SHE should just "change" and learn to be happy:laugh: I literally taught my partner how to communicate about things he did not like discussing. I say, if a person cares about you, they will at least try listening to you.
Ross MwcFan Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Some dumpers feel really upset about what they're done to their once SO. And some will still deeply miss the dumpee, because they may still love them.
Leigh 87 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I'm not sure if you're being condescending with the No worries either-way, just sayin' I've always been open, and have become more open, only at the hands of an mature women, and older friends your next paragraph confirms my idea of learning and knowledge. And how it only evolves through adaption and spreading. I consider it a duty to try and help partners and friends, because I've had partners and friends help me. And, I think it's a little of the reason I play on LS. haha no I was not at all being sarcastic or condescending. In fact, I truly value men who are staight up honest. As soon as my partner knows something is up with .... say, how he feels about things, I want him to tell me if he has a STRONG inclination that anything is... wrong. 1
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I agree that I held on because of faith. Because what we had (or so I thought) was honestly amazing. I had never experienced a guy like him before. The reason I didn't realize what a bad communicator he was, is because, when things were good... he spoke! We had conversations, and he didn't seem to be deficient in words. It was when things were BAD that he completely shut down. He would pull the "man cave" scenario. Where he would go MIA for a day or two, completely ignore me. Ice me out, and then come back and act like absolutely nothing had happened and would just go on as if things were fine. I think he did this twice, maybe three times in the course of three years, and when he did pull this, I most certainly expressed displeasure in the way he handled conflict. And after I told him how much it hurt me to just run, he would tell me he'd try harder to communicate, and things would be good again, and then we'd hit a rough patch and he'd do something ELSE to show he was terrible at communicating. His next game was to call me up telling me that "things needed to change or else" and that every problem we had was a result of me, and that I didn't bend over backwards far enough for his friends, and that he'd excuse his friends bad behavior. (Backstory: they hated me from day 1 for NO REASON other than the fact they held loyalty to his ex and they were good friends with her. When he broke up with her, his friends took it personally, and made it there personal mission to treat me like garbage.) So it's not as if my ex was doing the same thing consistently over and over. He'd swap out his different reactions to problems and where I thought we were getting over one problem, he was just replacing one problem with another. I thought well, if we got over that first problem, we could get over this second one, and then we'll have a good relationship! Stupid thinking on my part, because I wasted a lot of time on him. I wasted a lot of time trying to fix something that he apparently didn't even think was broken. Too much wasted energy on someone who didn't even deserve it. Who didn't even give me 1/100th of what I gave him. 1
Author ParadeRain Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 And which of those feelings can a dumpee not have? Except the "know they want you back", and that isn't even true for all cases. My ex cannot have me back, and if KatZee's ex did as much as even try, she'd tear him to tiny little pieces of bloody meat (that would be fun to watch)! I told you this before, less bluntly than now: You need to snap out of feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, we all got dumped, we all know what it feels like. But at some point you have to tell yourself that enough is enough. You won't get your ex back by pitying yourself, and really, even for potential new partners it's very unattractive when you're *always* like this. Grief and feel the pain. But do make a little room for some healthy selfishness. It's NOT the responsibility of your ex to make you happy or ensure that you are functional. It is YOUR responsibility. An ex (or even a partner) is not like a parent. It's this intense dependency that kills many relationships. Here's a chance to learn to deal with it better. Seize it. Love is great. Obsession is not. I'm past all of that.. I'm in a good place now in terms of getting over my old relationship... all I'm saying is... stepping back and looking at it, not just my situation but all of these situation, my OP is exactly what it is like, harsh world.
curiouslyhuman Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I dont think that there is anything wrong with feeling the sense of relief and freedom when breaking up with a partner that you no longer love. Although the feelings are usually polar opposites when it comes to a breakup, there is no reason to stay in a relationship you are not fully committed to or adore being in. If that was the case, (and usually is when children are involved) people would stay in a relationship forever unhappily just to not hurt their partner... which is wrong. You cant stay with someone you don't love just because they want you too. When true love does happen tho, its the most amazing thing in the world. Love is not sick, just difficult to find the right love.
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