tay0293 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I've lurked these forums for a while and seen some great advice but have yet to post myself. I was hoping to share my situation and get some advice. I had been dating this guy, Jason, for about 4 months up until last week. I met Jason on a dating website. He's 31, I'm 28, and we both live in NYC. For the first 2 or so months, Jason was extremely nice and attentive. He planned dates with me in advance, took me to dinner at least once a week, and to the beach, a concert, and a play. I was careful to enjoy myself with him, but also to maintain some distance so as not to appear too over-eager, and I never brought up commitment. On our sixth date, he actually asked me "where this was going" - I was surprised since this seemed a bit soon for a guy to bring it up. I think he saw how shocked I looked, so he immediately changed the subject and we never discussed it. During our third month of dating, I met his friends (and he met mine) on multiple occasions, he contacted me in some way (text, phone call, email) every day, and just generally did everything "right." However, as time went on, he began to treat me a bit differently. He asked me to meet him late at night on 4 different occasions when we were originally supposed to have dinner together - each time, he told me one of his college friends was in town, and a group of the guys was going to dinner, but that I could meet him after. I agreed to this without any protest the first 2 times since it seemed reasonable (and met him after dinner around midnight - and saw a few of the friends, so I knew he was telling the truth). But the 4th time this happened, I told him it was unacceptable and unfair to me (to cancel our dinner plans and expect me to meet him at midnight or so whenever he was done having dinner with his friends). We had a long talk, and he agreed with me that it was unfair to me and that it wouldn't happen again. He also asked me what I wanted ultimately, and I told him that assuming we could get past this (and resume going on actual dates), I'd want a committed relationship with him. He seemed pretty pleased with my response. The next week, we made plans to do something on Saturday night. That night, he texted me and asked if we could meet up around 10pm as he wanted to watch some college football with his friends. I was annoyed again that his friends were coming first and that we clearly weren't going to have dinner. The game ended up lasting until 11pm and I met him then. I was furious and told him so. I made the point that I would like to see him at least once a week just one on one for dinner, but that I'm fine with doing whatever the other nights I see him (and I am), and that I don't think this is asking too much. He agreed, and said he wasn't sure why he was treating me like this. I told him we were never going to have an actual relationship if we couldn't go on one real date a week. He was completely silent. I then asked if he wanted to take a break, and he said "yea, sure". I was not expecting him to agree so quickly or at all.. We then had a very long conversation, and he told me that he's not sure if I am "the one". I thought this was a rather surprising thing to say to someone you've been dating all of 4 months, and I told him quite sarcastically that I wasn't sure if he was "the one" either as we hadn't been dating very long. He seemed surprised by my response, and was like "don't you want to get married eventually". I told him yes, to the right person (because that's the truth). He also said that he cared about me a lot, and didn't want to treat me like this, and that maybe he just wasn't ready for a real relationship. He told me he hasn't dated anyone as long as he's dated me in several years. He told me a break would be good for him to see what it feels like to be without me. So, now, it's been one week since we had this talk. I haven't heard anything from him, and have not attempted to contact him. I did see that he completely revamped his online dating profile, and basically re-wrote the thing to indicate that he's only looking for a long-term relationship (previously he said he was looking for dating or a relationship) and added a bunch of new photos. So, now I am just really confused. Should I reach out to him (since I'm the one who suggested the break anyway), or should I just wait and see if he contacts me, since he clearly wanted the break? Any idea what is going on in his head? Many thanks for any help here.
CptSaveAho Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 time to hit the next button....this one is over 1
Calico Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Should I reach out to him (since I'm the one who suggested the break anyway), or should I just wait and see if he contacts me, since he clearly wanted the break? Any idea what is going on in his head? First, sorry you're hurting and that he's handling the situation the way he is. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but you're on this road now and at the end of it you will feel happy and positive again. Promise. In the meantime, you have us here for a shoulder, for some thoughts, and as a sounding board. To answer your question: No, you should not reach out. You've done this so many times already and tried to "fix" things, even when he didn't cooperate, and I think you've done all you can do. Trying to chase him will push him away more and you'll feel like a beggar. I know, right now you probably don't think the latter matters and you'd do everything to go back to how it was, but down the road you'll look back and regret that you didn't hold onto your dignity. You also don't want to be with someone who doesn't fully and wholeheartedly want to be with you. You deserve better. Next, I get the vibe that you feel it's your fault because you "suggested" the break and that if you had not, things might have been different. The latter is very unlikely. Different development perhaps, but almost certainly the same result. When you made that suggestion, it was pretty much a cry for attention in the hope he'd now see how hurt you are and how important this is to you, and you believed that it may be as important to him. Sadly, it wasn't, and that is why he "accepted" the break. You may have made it easier for him, but understand here (and keep it firmly in mind, because it'll be a source of strength) that what is relevant is that he was happy to take you up on the "offer". The offer didn't make him become disinterested in the relationship. He already had lost interest. He enjoyed the "falling in love" part, the thrill and maybe the hunt, but he didn't want a serious relationship. The fun times ended and the real relationship started, and he bailed out. "Ouch!", I know. But there is another way to look at this, too. And that is to be grateful for finding out how he handles relationships and what his expectations are, and that you do not want the same things from a partner and a relationship. Some of us "wasted" (not really, but it works in this context) three, four or more years to learn that our partners were not wanting the same as us, that our compatibility wasn't as perfect as we had believed. We partly even got cheated on when we had partners who lacked spine and resolve, and that is an experience that cuts deep. You dodged all of this. You, quite literally, dodged a bullet here, and that's great! It's not as easy as just chalking it up as an experience, but if you try to also consider the upsides of the whole mess, the pain and hurt may become a tiny bit more manageable. You're not alone.
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 He pulled the classic, "It's not you it's me." How cliche. I think communication was a bit of an issue for you guys. He was the one to ask, "where is this going?" So I think when you gave the "shocked" look and didn't explain further, he took that as you were scared and probably not wanting to go any further than it was going. It seems from that point on he was making his friends a priority and not you. At this point if I had been you, I would have asked what was going on, and not just gone along with it and continued agreeing to meet up at odd hours. Kind of seems like he checked out at that point, and was just going along for the fun ride. It was probably at that point he realized you weren't the long term material. It explains why he's still LOOKING for long term even despite him saying he "doesn't know how to be in a relationship" like that. Of course he knows how to. But I agree, it's on to the next.
Author tay0293 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks a lot for all of the advice. I agree - it's only been 4 months so I haven't really invested a lot in him, although I did really like this guy. If only it were so easy as meeting these 2 billion other men, monicaelise . I guess my issue is more this ridiculous pattern that I seem to fall in - boy falls all over himself trying to impress me for the first couple months, yet I am never able to convert this into an actual, committed relationship. And I don't think it's because I'm dating unavailable men - a bunch of these guys I've had to cut off previously are now in serious relationships, engaged, or even married. I wonder what I could have done differently in this latest situation (and yes, I've read all of the self-help dating guides out there - Why Men Love B*itches, etc.). Do you guys think it's best to confront him when he suggests meeting late at night, just sweetly refuse and suggest another night when he's more available and hope he gets the hint, or what? Also, any tips on how to identify that someone doesn't want a relationship with me earlier (since I seem to keep repeating the same pattern)? Should I just end things the minute he stops taking me to dinner or spending lots of time with me? Since all of these guys treat me extremely well for the first month or two...
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