Just got dumped by MM and need support

[DumpedInLA]

MM, the love of my life, broke things off last week after 3 years of bliss. I had never pushed for the relationship to be more than the A but he was concerned DS was getting suspicious -- mostly because he had been neglecting her (because of me?). Now he has broken off the physical relationship but says we can remain friends.

 

I'm devastated. Most of my friends know him and I don't want to tell the secret, so I really can't talk to anyone about this IRL.

 

I just need some non-judgmental support to get me through. I feel like I want to die.

[AnotherRound]

MM, the love of my life, broke things off last week after 3 years of bliss. I had never pushed for the relationship to be more than the A but he was concerned DS was getting suspicious -- mostly because he had been neglecting her (because of me?). Now he has broken off the physical relationship but says we can remain friends.

 

I'm devastated. Most of my friends know him and I don't want to tell the secret, so I really can't talk to anyone about this IRL.

 

I just need some non-judgmental support to get me through. I feel like I want to die.

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting - and that I can't give you a fast forward button through this pain. Are you remaining friends? Imo, that might delay your healing - and end up hurting you more initially?

 

I think the thing to remember is that the pain you are feeling - truly is just a feeling - it will not last forever (even though it sometimes feels like it will!). Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure makes emotional pain hurt less. Is there anyone that you can talk to about it IRL? This would be a great time to have some time with a really good friend who knows you and can remind you of what a great person you are, what you have to offer, and how lucky any guy would be to spend time with you!

 

I hope that you get the non-judgmental support that you are looking for. I would suggest that you look at other places on the internet for this too - so that this isn't your only place to come to - a simple google search will help you find some other places. That way, you can have more than one site for support in case it becomes necessary. I would also suggest that if you truly have nobody to talk to IRL about this (as you are most likely going through the grief process), that you consider starting individual counseling - it's a great place to work through the process of grief and loss.

 

Hang in there, and remind yourself, it is JUST a feeling - it won't kill you - it only FEELS like it will. Again, so sorry - no breakup is easy, but these tend to be even more difficult.

[Ladydrib]

MM, the love of my life, broke things off last week after 3 years of bliss. I had never pushed for the relationship to be more than the A but he was concerned DS was getting suspicious -- mostly because he had been neglecting her (because of me?). Now he has broken off the physical relationship but says we can remain friends.

 

I'm devastated. Most of my friends know him and I don't want to tell the secret, so I really can't talk to anyone about this IRL.

 

I just need some non-judgmental support to get me through. I feel like I want to die.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. And you are right, it is like a death or like you want to die yourself. It's very intense pain for a bit, during the initial shock of it. But just like dealing with death, that intense pain drops off and you begin to learn how to live again, without that person in your life. It is not easy but you are already on your way to feeling better. Trust me . You will be leaving behind so many cons of an affair, when your thinking shifts, focusing on how your life improves from not having those cons anymore will help you along.

 

As for the MM, I'm going to be totally honest on my perspective of what his mindset is. The benefits no longer outweigh the disadvantages and he never intended to leave his marriage. If he had been totally honest (I.e. Told you he never intended to leave - which btw I'm willing to bet he never gave you a clear indication of his position on that) but if he had said "I will never leave" he knows there was a good chance he could not have you when he wanted you. So he had major incentive to mislead you. He simply got enough and he's giving you some lame excuse and hoping to slip away easily and never get caught. You will be much better of without this man in you life. I know your mind is telling you that you won't be (because you are thinking of the joy you shared with him being gone) but keep in mind, at the same time you will be regaining a emotionally healthy life and ridding yourself of this poisonous situation. If you ever need to talk, you can message me anytime. There are lots of other people going through the same thing. We can help you get stronger and feel better. You will be okay. I promise

[Ladydrib]

Oh yeah, I forgot to say, tell that man no way! You cannot be friends! This will hold you back from healing, give you false hopes, make you work harder to win him back, mess with you sanity, and what will you get out of it? More heartache, confusion, wasted time, passing up a potentially great man elsewhere because you are preoccupied with the unavailable one, who btw don't forget he dumped you! He totally devalued you. Do not accept that!! And what exactly does he get out of it? Do you wonder? I have a theory, a reduced risk that you'll retaliate and tell his wife. He's covering his a** at the expense of your heart. Let him worry. No way. Don't be his friend. Cut it off and start healing. Unacceptable request.

[DumpedInLA]

These are both wonderful replies and I am so grateful to have found a place where I can get commentary free of judgments.

 

Not to defend him or me, but just to be clear of the facts, he never ever misled me about having a future nor did I ever want one. Most people, I think, including the OW (or OM), fantasize about the relationship moving from affair to something else (publicly acknowledged relationship, marriage, etc.).

 

In may case, I simply am not programmed to be married or to be with just one person 24/7. I was extremely happy, content, and blissed out on having the affair. I was madly in love with someone, got to see him regularly, had the continuity of an ongoing (3 year) relationship, and yet anytime I wanted to, I could hop on a plane to Paris for the weekend (which I did with some regularity). I am firecely independent and never ever saw myself being in a "typical" relationship with him (or withy anyone else, for that matter). That whole fairytale sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

No, all I wanted was for everything to stay exactly the way it was -- perfect. For me, it was perfect. Last weekend we went away together and it was perfect. Three days later, it was all over.

 

I can't stop crying and I can't seem to find the motivation to do ANYthing. I'm wondering if anyone on this forum can recommend some good chat rooms on this topic, where maybe I could get real-time support? I don't really have anywhere else to turn.

 

Thanks again,

DumpedInLA

[AnotherRound]

These are both wonderful replies and I am so grateful to have found a place where I can get commentary free of judgments.

 

Not to defend him or me, but just to be clear of the facts, he never ever misled me about having a future nor did I ever want one. Most people, I think, including the OW (or OM), fantasize about the relationship moving from affair to something else (publicly acknowledged relationship, marriage, etc.).

 

In may case, I simply am not programmed to be married or to be with just one person 24/7. I was extremely happy, content, and blissed out on having the affair. I was madly in love with someone, got to see him regularly, had the continuity of an ongoing (3 year) relationship, and yet anytime I wanted to, I could hop on a plane to Paris for the weekend (which I did with some regularity). I am firecely independent and never ever saw myself being in a "typical" relationship with him (or withy anyone else, for that matter). That whole fairytale sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

No, all I wanted was for everything to stay exactly the way it was -- perfect. For me, it was perfect. Last weekend we went away together and it was perfect. Three days later, it was all over.

 

I can't stop crying and I can't seem to find the motivation to do ANYthing. I'm wondering if anyone on this forum can recommend some good chat rooms on this topic, where maybe I could get real-time support? I don't really have anywhere else to turn.

 

Thanks again,

DumpedInLA

 

I know what you mean about him not lying or future faking with you - I had the same experience with my exMM. But you will still go through a grief process bc you have lost an important relationship in your life. The lack of motivation is probably the depression - an extremely normal reaction when we are grieving.

 

I don't know any good chat rooms - I'm sure that you could find some online counseling or something similar. Maybe even something geared towards support for someone previously involved in an affair. I do wish though that you had a friend that you felt comfortable sharing this with. My best girlfriend has been invaluable for me during tough times in my life, including when I ended the affair last year - of course, she's a mental health professional too, so that doesn't hurt

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and it does seem awfully sudden considering what you said about just spending time together. But I guess this is a risk that we all take when we get involved with a man who already has a relationship with someone else - no matter the state of that other relationship. Something keeps them there, whether it be the kids, the house, etc. - so, it has some type of value to them, or they wouldn't stay. Any idea WHY he has chosen to have an affair? And, if he's not being honest with his wife, I would be VERY leery - bc that can really be an ugly scene when discovered.

 

Good luck - and I hope that you find the support you are looking for.

[Pierre]

These are both wonderful replies and I am so grateful to have found a place where I can get commentary free of judgments.

 

Not to defend him or me, but just to be clear of the facts, he never ever misled me about having a future nor did I ever want one. Most people, I think, including the OW (or OM), fantasize about the relationship moving from affair to something else (publicly acknowledged relationship, marriage, etc.).

 

In may case, I simply am not programmed to be married or to be with just one person 24/7. I was extremely happy, content, and blissed out on having the affair. I was madly in love with someone, got to see him regularly, had the continuity of an ongoing (3 year) relationship, and yet anytime I wanted to, I could hop on a plane to Paris for the weekend (which I did with some regularity). I am firecely independent and never ever saw myself being in a "typical" relationship with him (or withy anyone else, for that matter). That whole fairytale sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

No, all I wanted was for everything to stay exactly the way it was -- perfect. For me, it was perfect. Last weekend we went away together and it was perfect. Three days later, it was all over.

 

I can't stop crying and I can't seem to find the motivation to do ANYthing. I'm wondering if anyone on this forum can recommend some good chat rooms on this topic, where maybe I could get real-time support? I don't really have anywhere else to turn.

 

Thanks again,

DumpedInLA

 

The best thing you can do is to go 100% no contact.

That means no phone, text, email, or even reading old emails and looking at old photos.

 

If you go into hermetic NC the pain will end very soon. If you keep contact this could last for years.

 

I understand you say you are independent and wanted a loose relationships no strings attached. However, your heart does not say the same words. Therefore, protect your heart by going NC.

 

If you refuse to go NC then it is likely the guy will come back in a few months. And then dump you again when there is heat at home and so forth.

[whichwayisup]

Grieve the loss and DO tell your friends. You'll need them during this rough time.

 

Also, no way can there be a friendship. How can you get over someone, grieve and heal when they're still in your life? It's extremely selfish of him to tell you, 'we can still be friends.' Crock of crap is what that is..

[veryhappy]

No way on being friends. Actually no way on any communication. Let his ego bruise when he doesn't hear back from you. Do not respond to anything. It's the only thing in your power to do.

 

He wants to be friends for two reasons: well you're kind of fun yo be around, and it will be confirmation for him that what he did wasn't that bad after all. Yes, it was.

 

Google "baggage reclaim" and watch the video on no contact.

 

I'm sorry for your hurt. You can lookup grieving stages too yo understand where you are.

 

However you feel, do not go back. Value yourself enough to not go through this again. I'm not going to lie, it will feel like death. I had unstoppable crying spells. They're getting lighter and fewer after a month.

[Saba]

I agree with other posters that it would be great if you had a friend you could talk to about how you are feeling. The internet is a poor substitute.

 

Take care of yourself.

[DumpedInLA]

Thanks, everyone, for these very thoughtful and wise posts.

 

Obviously, right now the thought of "no contact" -- as objectively wise as that is -- is completely terrifying to me. If I at least still had him in my life, I really think I could live with that. But the thought of having him ripped out of my life completely seems intolerable. I realize that while the wound is still fresh, it's hard to have perspective -- and I'm not denying the wisdom of what I'm reading from the posts here. That said, I'm honestly not sure I can live with no contact.

 

You all have given me a lot of great insight and support here. I have a lot to digest. Please feel free to keep posting if you have additional thoughts -- everything is appreciated.

[AnotherRound]

Thanks, everyone, for these very thoughtful and wise posts.

 

Obviously, right now the thought of "no contact" -- as objectively wise as that is -- is completely terrifying to me. If I at least still had him in my life, I really think I could live with that. But the thought of having him ripped out of my life completely seems intolerable. I realize that while the wound is still fresh, it's hard to have perspective -- and I'm not denying the wisdom of what I'm reading from the posts here. That said, I'm honestly not sure I can live with no contact.

 

You all have given me a lot of great insight and support here. I have a lot to digest. Please feel free to keep posting if you have additional thoughts -- everything is appreciated.

 

No Contact is hard - and isn't right for everyone or every situation. It just depends on what your final goal is here, imo. I have never been NC with my exMM - even after I broke up with him, and that worked for me. We were still able to have the emotional connection - just didn't see each other physically anymore. It probably wasn't the healthiest thing for either of us, but it was what worked at the time for me, so I went with it. I actually didn't get tempted to see him, even though we were talking, but I had some very firm boundaries in my mind by then, so it was easier to stay away from him even though we were talking.

 

NC is like a death, imo. Like you said, it's like ripping away a very important relationship from your life - like a band aid, fast and firm, ugh. It HURTS. But, you may find that talking to him hurts MORE. That would be the determining factor for me. I wasn't hurt by talking to my exMM, so I allowed him to continue to contact me (it wasn't daily, or nearly what we had previously, as I don't think that would have worked for me). That was better for me in that I had always valued (as had he) our emotional connection more than our sexual connection. For us, our emotional intimacy was the driving force of our relationship - and neither of us was willing to let that go completely, so we didn't.

 

You have to do what is right for you. You know the situation better than anyone else, and strangers on an internet forum are going to share what worked for them in their situations - it doesn't necessarily mean it is going to transfer smoothly to your situation. You will know which is going to be more hurtful, or less healthy, for you pretty quickly - just pay attention to how you feel. After you talk to him as "friends" - do you feel badly? Does it hurt? Get to know your feelings well, and let your heart and mind tell you what needs to be changed or tweaked - it WILL tell you if you pay attention.

 

Take it slow - day by day. Heck, minute my minute if necessary. It's a process, and it can't be rushed, as much as we would like to rush through it and get to the other side where it doesn't hurt anymore. It just can't be - it has to be felt, and lived through, and processed.

 

Someone mentioned Baggage Reclaim, and that's a great site. The writer has some great insight, and as with anything, take what is relevant to you and your situation, as it won't all apply. I read there frequently simply bc I enjoy her writing and the content is always interesting. And, again, I really wish that you had one IRL person that you could confide in - someone who knows you, as you will get the gamut on the internet, and it won't all be helpful, or nice, or supportive, or non-judgmental. Just remember that you KNOW your self worth, and don't let anyone else define that for you, no matter what they say, bc they do NOT know you like you know yourself.

 

Good luck again - and keep us updated. I hope it all works out for the best for you!

[veryhappy]

You said he's the love of your life. What do you think you are to him?

[Artie Lang]

are you married?

[canuckprincess]

Thanks, everyone, for these very thoughtful and wise posts.

 

Obviously, right now the thought of "no contact" -- as objectively wise as that is -- is completely terrifying to me. If I at least still had him in my life, I really think I could live with that. But the thought of having him ripped out of my life completely seems intolerable. I realize that while the wound is still fresh, it's hard to have perspective -- and I'm not denying the wisdom of what I'm reading from the posts here. That said, I'm honestly not sure I can live with no contact.

 

You all have given me a lot of great insight and support here. I have a lot to digest. Please feel free to keep posting if you have additional thoughts -- everything is appreciated.

 

I'm sorry your going through this right now. I disagree with some of the posts on here. If it's easier for you to continue contact then do it. I think it might be easier to slowly detach if thats what you need. Chances are if your mm truly loves you he will resume full contact once his wife lightens her hold on him. Just hang in there and try to distract yourself till the pain subsides. I'm sending positive thoughts your way, good luck.