thembones Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 She left me 2 1/2 months ago. Been NC for 1 1/2 months. Had recent developments that she had been thinking about me or contacting me to see how I am. Saturday was a close friend's wedding. Sunday was my sister & her husband 5-yr anniversary. Under 2 weeks would have been our 3-year anniversary. I am really feeling weak. I want to text her and maybe there is a glimmer of hope. I don't want to be back at step 1, but god it would be good for her to tell me that she made a mistake. How would I know if I did not contact her? She is stubborn and might never tell me. I really want to move on, but it is so hard when I get backtracked.
Calico Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 The belief that the other person feels the same way you do, but doesn't contact you because they are stubborn or afraid, is called "projecting". It's wishful thinking more often than not, and it's the #1 trick that the addicted brain uses in order to get its "fix". A few things to consider: - She was not too stubborn to dump you, why would she be too stubborn to admit if she felt it was a mistake? Contrary to what dumpees often want to believe, dumpers rarely have trouble coming back if that's what they want. But almost always they don't want that. They dumped the dumpee for a reason, and often, after much consideration and quiet detaching. They are ahead of you on the road, and they are not in the same emotional place as the dumpee. - There are always events that would be "good" opportunities to break NC. You are grasping at straws here. The anniversary of your sister and her husband, really? Your ex is no longer part of your life, by her own choice. She will remember your anniversary, but that doesn't mean it has the same meaning to her as it does to you. My ex commented on our anniversary, and I thought how nice that is, and then she spent the evening with her new guy. If you go NC, you do it after you feel you have said and done what you needed to say and do. You'll always think of more later, but you have to disregard that once you decided to go NC. - You have pleaded and begged before. She knows how you feel, she knows what you want, and she doesn't want the same. You just have to suck that up and accept it. She hasn't forgotten you and she possibly thinks of you, but it's not the same as how you feel about her. If she wants contact (and unless she wants you back, you should be grateful that she doesn't reach out), she'll make contact. If she doesn't, it means that she's not interested. There is a minimal chance that she is stubborn, but it is not likely. Use your mind. - Contacting you to see how you are means squat. My ex sent me emails on the second and third day, telling me she misses me and saying that she worries about me. That's a whole lot better than "contemplating" to contact you. And when I called her up, nothing had changed -- she was still cold, still not interested in a relationship, and still only wanting to be friends. I lived through the breakup moment yet another time. Of course she cares about how you feel. That's what you do if you have been with someone for years. It does not mean that anything changed, however. - If you want to move on, stop "hearing" about developments concerning her. You're not moving on if you're curious about what she thinks, and you're not moving on if you are willing to listen friends or family talking about her. Shut these people up, gently. I explained to all my friends who may have contact with my ex that I don't want to hear anything about her, and they respect that. That's why they are friends. - And finally, keep in mind that begging (and you texting would seem that way, no matter how hard you try to avoid that) is not sexy. There is nothing to win here. You can only look week and needy, yet another doormat move where you lack resolve, discipline and will. It will not have the desired effect, and you'll feel more powerless again. And you'll lose more dignity, too. If she wants anything from you, she will be in touch. And you should not even want something like friendship, because you simply are not in a place where you can be just a friend -- or really should want to be a friend. 2
bluefairy812 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 The belief that the other person feels the same way you do, but doesn't contact you because they are stubborn or afraid, is called "projecting". It's wishful thinking more often than not, and it's the #1 trick that the addicted brain uses in order to get its "fix". A few things to consider: - She was not too stubborn to dump you, why would she be too stubborn to admit if she felt it was a mistake? Contrary to what dumpees often want to believe, dumpers rarely have trouble coming back if that's what they want. But almost always they don't want that. They dumped the dumpee for a reason, and often, after much consideration and quiet detaching. They are ahead of you on the road, and they are not in the same emotional place as the dumpee. - There are always events that would be "good" opportunities to break NC. You are grasping at straws here. The anniversary of your sister and her husband, really? Your ex is no longer part of your life, by her own choice. She will remember your anniversary, but that doesn't mean it has the same meaning to her as it does to you. My ex commented on our anniversary, and I thought how nice that is, and then she spent the evening with her new guy. If you go NC, you do it after you feel you have said and done what you needed to say and do. You'll always think of more later, but you have to disregard that once you decided to go NC. - You have pleaded and begged before. She knows how you feel, she knows what you want, and she doesn't want the same. You just have to suck that up and accept it. She hasn't forgotten you and she possibly thinks of you, but it's not the same as how you feel about her. If she wants contact (and unless she wants you back, you should be grateful that she doesn't reach out), she'll make contact. If she doesn't, it means that she's not interested. There is a minimal chance that she is stubborn, but it is not likely. Use your mind. - Contacting you to see how you are means squat. My ex sent me emails on the second and third day, telling me she misses me and saying that she worries about me. That's a whole lot better than "contemplating" to contact you. And when I called her up, nothing had changed -- she was still cold, still not interested in a relationship, and still only wanting to be friends. I lived through the breakup moment yet another time. Of course she cares about how you feel. That's what you do if you have been with someone for years. It does not mean that anything changed, however. - If you want to move on, stop "hearing" about developments concerning her. You're not moving on if you're curious about what she thinks, and you're not moving on if you are willing to listen friends or family talking about her. Shut these people up, gently. I explained to all my friends who may have contact with my ex that I don't want to hear anything about her, and they respect that. That's why they are friends. - And finally, keep in mind that begging (and you texting would seem that way, no matter how hard you try to avoid that) is not sexy. There is nothing to win here. You can only look week and needy, yet another doormat move where you lack resolve, discipline and will. It will not have the desired effect, and you'll feel more powerless again. And you'll lose more dignity, too. If she wants anything from you, she will be in touch. And you should not even want something like friendship, because you simply are not in a place where you can be just a friend -- or really should want to be a friend. and this is why i love calico!!!! how the hell are you single?!?!
Calico Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 how the hell are you single?!?! Aww. Thank you. Why are any of us single? Most of us here are more sensitive than the average emotional zombie out there! But you'd need to ask her that ... well, she was a little GIGS-y, but I think it's always easier to look at situations more objectively if you are not part of them. In my own situation, I did all the wrong things, really. I did the begging, the pleading, the compromises, the getting walked over, the crying, the "sticking around", the "being the bigger person", breaking NC on the third day (not since then!) ... all the stuff I'd tongue-lash you guys for if you did them! In the end, only NC brought some peace and gave me an opportunity to work on shifting my thoughts and doing the hard and painful work of letting go. Just yesterday I was thinking about sending her an email. Battled some with myself, did the things I tell you to do, and then I had this large bar of white chocolate and forgot about emailing her! 2
Author thembones Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 If she wants anything from you, she will be in touch. And you should not even want something like friendship, because you simply are not in a place where you can be just a friend -- or really should want to be a friend. I took a lot of good points from your post and I guess I am just delusional sometimes. I wish my friend had never said anything to me, but I guess I am still slightly curious. I do not look at her FB and I actively avoid seeing her (we live close). I need to learn that she will contact me if she needs something and NOT if she does not. I said I wanted her in my life, but I am not in a place to be a "buddy" with her. I am hurt and she is the only reason that I am. It was her choice and that is that. Thanks for your input. I did not contact her and I do not plan to.
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