Carly89 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Hi, new here - although long-time lurker. I recently found out that my bf has been carrying out a few internet web-searches on an old ex of his; an ex of whom he broke up with almost 7years ago and has had no contact with for about 5 years. I asked him about it and e says he is indifferent to her, however if that were truly the case, why would he be googling her name/ looking her up? Is there a chance he could be kidding himself in thinking he is over her? She broke up with him. I understand some people get curious, but indifference means couldn't care which way either way right? I'm really confused. Any advice/ experiences are welcome.
PlanB123 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) my first relationship ended 7 years ago too (she dumped me). she is on my fb now but i am completely indifferent to her and don't care what she does. in fact, think she is pregnant right now. but see...don't care. i could write her message on fb and ask but...blah... i think i searched for her on fb about 6 months ago--while i was with my most recent ex. just curiosity to see what she was up to in life. no intent. no sexual interest. i suspect that is all it is - curiosity. wouldn't read too much into it at this stage. Edited October 14, 2012 by PlanB123 1
Tree_Salmon Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Hi, new here - although long-time lurker. I recently found out that my bf has been carrying out a few internet web-searches on an old ex of his; an ex of whom he broke up with almost 7years ago and has had no contact with for about 5 years. I asked him about it and e says he is indifferent to her, however if that were truly the case, why would he be googling her name/ looking her up? Is there a chance he could be kidding himself in thinking he is over her? She broke up with him. I understand some people get curious, but indifference means couldn't care which way either way right? I'm really confused. Any advice/ experiences are welcome. I'm indifferent and even slightly annoyed by my old ex's at times. Mostly when they bother me with their relationship issues. I haven't even looked at my first girlfriend from 8 years ago. If he's searching her out he MAY have some curiosity about how her life turned out or what she now looks like. Depending on how it ended and how much he cared about her. He might be looking to make himself feel better if shes living a crappier life than him. Or he could be thinking about her. Sometimes you just don't stop thinking about people. I don't see how I'll ever forget my current ex. I might wonder for a while what shes up to but eventually I should be indifferent. Based on my past history. Ask him what made him curious to check. But don't accuse him of anything. 1
Author Carly89 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 ...i think i searched for her on fb about 6 months ago--while i was will my most recent ex. just curiosity to see what she was up to in life. no intent. no sexual interest. i suspect that is all it is - curiosity. wouldn't read too much into it at this stage. General curiosity made you look her up? Thing is though, with the presence of her on your FB, you can still, in some way see what she's doing - whether you want to or not - you can always, if desired, she what she is up to; she is always 'reachable' (if that makes sense?) Would you opt to seek additional means to keep tabs on her if she no longer had an FB anymore? Just curious
Svet74 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 yeah thats kinda weird. not really sure what to tell you. he was prob just curious. i wouldnt make it a big deal
Author Carly89 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 I'm indifferent and even slightly annoyed by my old ex's at times. Mostly when they bother me with their relationship issues. I haven't even looked at my first girlfriend from 8 years ago. If he's searching her out he MAY have some curiosity about how her life turned out or what she now looks like. Depending on how it ended and how much he cared about her. He might be looking to make himself feel better if shes living a crappier life than him. Or he could be thinking about her. Sometimes you just don't stop thinking about people. I don't see how I'll ever forget my current ex. I might wonder for a while what shes up to but eventually I should be indifferent. Based on my past history. Ask him what made him curious to check. But don't accuse him of anything. Bit of a rotten deal, if they're contacting you about their current relationship woes - seriously, what are they like? I'd never think to do that to an ex - just NO! He did say general curiosity when I asked, but who knows if that's all there is to it. It's just got me wondering as she was his first love and he fell in to a severely deep depression over her for up to 2 years when it fell apart. Therefore i'm wondering if there's a contradiction in the statement about men being over and indifferent to their exes 'vs' men being over and indifferent to their first loves. Do you ever forget your firsts esp if you're not the type to fall in love easily. He never got closure from her, although at this stage does that really matter seeing as he is living a good life and doing everything he ever dreamed of doing with his life.
PlanB123 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 i had no contact with her for 6 years. she could've been dead for all i knew until i found her on fb. yes, general curiosity. she dumped me because she didn't like my entrepreneurial aspirations and she thought a soul sucking office job with a title was more respectable. so i was curious to see how she had got on in the banking world. i was quite happy to see her profile pic of her sat at her desk in a grey drab office like tree salmon said...i wanted to see if she had a crappy life or what not. i also think every girlfriend i have had has become progressively hotter. seeing as she was number one--i look at her now and i think wtf was i thinking!!!
Tree_Salmon Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Bit of a rotten deal, if they're contacting you about their current relationship woes - seriously, what are they like? I'd never think to do that to an ex - just NO! He did say general curiosity when I asked, but who knows if that's all there is to it. It's just got me wondering as she was his first love and he fell in to a severely deep depression over her for up to 2 years when it fell apart. Therefore i'm wondering if there's a contradiction in the statement about men being over and indifferent to their exes 'vs' men being over and indifferent to their first loves. Do you ever forget your firsts esp if you're not the type to fall in love easily. He never got closure from her, although at this stage does that really matter seeing as he is living a good life and doing everything he ever dreamed of doing with his life. Some guy's egos get bruised and never heal. if he was depressed for two years then who knows what he was thinking when he checked on her. There may be some unresolved hurt that may never be resolved for him. But i don't think it means he doesn't care about you. There may be a million reasons. As for my ex's I became "friends" with several of them. Mostly because I broke up with them. The more I spent time being their friend the more i saw why i broke up with them. My current ex is different because I loved her more than anyone so far and she's a different type of person. I'm sure ill be checking up on her a bit longer. Maybe even curious years from now. If this is opening up a Pandora's box of insecurities for you though maybe you need to address them. Are you threatened?
Author Carly89 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) she dumped me because she didn't like my entrepreneurial aspirations and she thought a soul sucking office job with a title was more respectable. so i was curious to see how she had got on in the banking world. i was quite happy to see her profile pic of her sat at her desk in a grey drab office like tree salmon said...i wanted to see if she had a crappy life or what not. i also think every girlfriend i have had has become progressively hotter. seeing as she was number one--i look at her now and i think wtf was i thinking!!! Well if anything, the above has definitely made me chuckle @Tree_Salmon I kind of feel threatened, as what you just said about your ex sounds very much like his ex in that she is 'she's a different type of person'. So very different from the usual type girls in his life scene. To be honest, I have looked up his ex - haven't seen her pictures though so I don't know what she looks like - as she is very private about her life. But found a LinkedIn page which indicates she's doing really well and somewhat living a life very similar to my bf's which is a bit unnerving, seeing as they could possibly cross paths one day, during one of their life ventures. I'll be sure not to make any assumptions though, esp at this particular time and place. Also this bit i also think every girlfriend i have had has become progressively hotter. seeing as she was number one--i look at her now and i think wtf was i thinking!!! It was probably your age at the time + standards you accepted; not a bad thing though. Edited October 14, 2012 by Carly89
Tree_Salmon Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 i also think every girlfriend i have had has become progressively hotter. seeing as she was number one--i look at her now and i think wtf was i thinking!!! Well, this isn't necessarily the best way to go. My ex was the "hottest" so far but she also had the most problems. This isn't a good way to measure anything seeing as the looks will fade, always. Going back to the OP, if you feel threatened then maybe have a conversation with him about it and see what he says. It could be very simple curiosity, it could be a grudge hes still holding, it could be a whole bunch of psychological things. Communication is the key, either way.
Author Carly89 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 ...Going back to the OP, if you feel threatened then maybe have a conversation with him about it and see what he says. It could be very simple curiosity, it could be a grudge hes still holding, it could be a whole bunch of psychological things. Communication is the key, either way. He normally says 'meh, doesn't mean anything to me' which i believed up until i found him web searching her. This obv indicates he does still think of her even if it is, say, once a month or so. To be clear, what do you mean by 'psychological things' just so I get a better picture. I don't want to really broach the subject again with him as I don't want him getting annoyed or think I've been prying in to his internet activities (which i didn't, i went to type something in to the address bar and her name came up as a search string/ drop down option)
Tree_Salmon Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 To be clear, what do you mean by 'psychological things' just so I get a better picture. What i mean is he could be looking for some sort of validation that his life is going pretty well. Sounds weird but some people are like that. Maybe he likes having something to one up her on. Which would go back to holding a grudge. Or he could just be curious how her boobs look now. Maybe he's hoping shes lost her looks. If he was hurt by her and is still bitter about the whole thing. The mind of a man can get weird. You may never know the answers so it might be wise not to look into it and make a bigger problem than it is. But if she starts to show up in his life again then you might have to bring it up. 1
Author Carly89 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 What i mean is he could be looking for some sort of validation that his life is going pretty well. Sounds weird but some people are like that. Maybe he likes having something to one up her on. Which would go back to holding a grudge. Or he could just be curious how her boobs look now. Maybe he's hoping shes lost her looks. If he was hurt by her and is still bitter about the whole thing. The mind of a man can get weird. You may never know the answers so it might be wise not to look into it and make a bigger problem than it is. But if she starts to show up in his life again then you might have to bring it up. Gotcha...though having that said, do you reckon that indifference therefore may not be the correct term to describe how he sees him + her/ them then? For if it were truly indifference, that would mean she is vapor to him...she is nothing more than spam. If say it were 'psychological', does that mean he may possibly harbor feelings still (whether good or bad)? To be honest, I don't think his ex would get back in to contact with him, he told me she was very disciplined in keeping the NC thing going.....and never broke it, however much he tried from his end to keep the ties bonded with her. I really don't know, he works a lot and is always busy. So i'm beginning to wonder if she creeps in there when things are not so hectic and he allows himself to take stock of it all; even after all this time. Like I said; she was his 'first'
carhill Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 He's not indifferent to her. What you've observed it just the sharp end of the stick. The machinations are unknown to all except him. Go with the real and accept his actions as his truth and his words as the canary. 3
Tree_Salmon Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 He's not indifferent to her. What you've observed it just the sharp end of the stick. The machinations are unknown to all except him. Go with the real and accept his actions as his truth and his words as the canary. I agree. I think you are over thinking. He is clearly not indifferent to her. But it doesn't mean it is a negative against you or the relationship. Judge him on his actions with you. If he gives you 100% and takes care of business then you don't need to worry about that part. He may be checking on her for the next 20 years and still be the best boyfriend. If he starts to take different actions then you will have to confront him. But it doesn't sound like this is happening. 1
Author Carly89 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 He's not indifferent to her. What you've observed it just the sharp end of the stick. The machinations are unknown to all except him. Go with the real and accept his actions as his truth and his words as the canary. I agree. I think you are over thinking. He is clearly not indifferent to her. But it doesn't mean it is a negative against you or the relationship. Judge him on his actions with you. If he gives you 100% and takes care of business then you don't need to worry about that part. He may be checking on her for the next 20 years and still be the best boyfriend. If he starts to take different actions then you will have to confront him. But it doesn't sound like this is happening. Thanks for the replies. The varied viewpoints are welcomed and appreciated @Tree_Salmon I'm going to go with what you've said above and base it on that, only because it's a darn good one to base it on. He doesn't treat me any different. He's remained as attentive and considerate as the day we got together, therefore I'll shrug off any niggling feelings that may have stirred up - due to this new found paranoia of mine - and heed them should something more concrete visualize. Appreciated responses all.
venusianx13 Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 I had a long ago ex who I looked up a few times over the course of the years. He was a decent guy, and I always wished him well in life. It was a long distance relationship that lasted 3 years when I was a teenager. I was with someone the last time I spoke with him. I looked him up via facebook, and he wasn't on facebook much (kept a blank profile) but we exchanged emails and a phone call. It wasn't because I was longing to be with him, but he did leave me with some nice memories... time and distance made the romantic feelings fade away, for sure, so there was nothing behind my actions besides genuinely wanting to catch up/being curious about an old friend.
Author Carly89 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 I had a long ago ex who I looked up a few times over the course of the years. He was a decent guy, and I always wished him well in life. It was a long distance relationship that lasted 3 years when I was a teenager. I was with someone the last time I spoke with him. I looked him up via facebook, and he wasn't on facebook much (kept a blank profile) but we exchanged emails and a phone call. It wasn't because I was longing to be with him, but he did leave me with some nice memories... time and distance made the romantic feelings fade away, for sure, so there was nothing behind my actions besides genuinely wanting to catch up/being curious about an old friend. Thanks for your feedback, I don't really think it's the fondness of his ex that bothers me, as i'd like to think that we all keep nice memories of those who treated us well/ made us happy, tucked away in to our memories..I know I do. It's just the thought of it being more, which I wondered if it could possible be.
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