why can't i let go?

[bluefairy812]

i gave up on him, he has had plenty of opportunities to come and talk to me, to work it out, to do anything in his power to make me turn around...

 

yet, i am still waiting for the day i get a text message saying he regrets not working it out. he says he misses me like crazy.. and thinks of me.. but we are not right for each other.. i'm having a sad and low moment. i miss him.

[Calico]

Do you have any apples in the house? Or oranges? Go and get one. Seriously, do it. Stop reading and get it.

 

You went to get one? It's here with you? Good. Now take it into your hand. Hold it tightly for a few minutes. Do you feel the strain in your hand, in the wrist? Keep holding it. More tightly now. Hold onto it firmly. How does it feel? The pain gets a bit worse?

 

Okay, now, how do you let the apple go?

 

It is simple: You open your hand, and let it go. Feel the relief?

[bluefairy812]

Do you have any apples in the house? Or oranges? Go and get one. Seriously, do it. Stop reading and get it.

 

You went to get one? It's here with you? Good. Now take it into your hand. Hold it tightly for a few minutes. Do you feel the strain in your hand, in the wrist? Keep holding it. More tightly now. Hold onto it firmly. How does it feel? The pain gets a bit worse?

 

Okay, now, how do you let the apple go?

 

It is simple: You open your hand, and let it go. Feel the relief?

 

Thanks Calico...

This makes me cry. It's so hard. I'm starting to feel like I need anti-depressants. I don't feel like doing anything at work, school, or with friends.

[PlanB123]

he doesn't know he's hurting you so bad doing this. you should probably tell him. i did what he is doing to you with an ex i left. i genuinely did miss her and cared for her and told her so all the time. i could've gone back but i didnt because even though i really really wanted to i knew it wasn't right for me. i needed to be single.

 

so he probably is being genuine and not just looking for an ego boost.

 

look after number one

[bluefairy812]

he told me a few weeks ago love is not simple. he loves me but know's we are not meant to be and that he sees me as a friend (not in his future) yet every couple of weeks he is contacting me. i know its hard for him too, but what am i supposed to do? i am going on month #3 of being broken up and i still feel shattered. i still want him to reach out to me. i know, i'm an idiot.

[PlanB123]

his words give you a brief moment of comfort. but its this hope that is killing you. the next time he contacts you tell him you are going no contact and won't respond any more. some would advise just go no contact now but seeing as you two are being nice to each other just be honest and tell him you have to cut away.

 

then go nc and keep it.

 

at the moment its all words and no action. you are comforting him every time you respond too. shut him out in the cold and see if he takes action rather than just giving you words.

 

yes nc is to heal but also giving him the cold shoulder like that is your best chance of getting a reaction out of him. if he doesn't chase....will then you know.

[Calico]

I'm starting to feel like I need anti-depressants. I don't feel like doing anything at work, school, or with friends.

 

I don't know, love, it's been quite a while that you've been struggling with this. Maybe anti-depressants would help. I'm not a big fan of them, but sometimes that is what might help someone to get out of that dark hole if they need a little chemical assistance.

 

In general, I think what you really need is new people in your life. New events. New "things". New impressions. But it's not easy to get up and do those things, you have to kick your own butt sometimes. When my ex takes up too much space on my mind, I sometimes physically and literally open my hands, spreading the fingers -- just like letting go off an apple or an orange you have been holding firmly. That's why I wanted you to do that, because the process is fundamentally the same, and so is the relief.

 

You could also put a sticky note on your computer screen. Write on it: "Not everything I think is true." Because thinking the wrong thoughts is really the problem. In "A Stroke of Insight", a brain scientist writes about how a feeling only lasts 90 seconds from start to end. If it persists longer, then you feed and fuel it with your thoughts. Not doing that requires mental effort and work, such as saying to yourself, "Okay, I'll endure this pain for a minute and a half, and then I'll look at pictures of kittens and think of something other than him."

 

Getting a kitten might also help. You need someone who needs and loves you, and someone you can love. But I don't know if you can have one where you live.

[bluefairy812]

his words give you a brief moment of comfort. but its this hope that is killing you. the next time he contacts you tell him you are going no contact and won't respond any more. some would advise just go no contact now but seeing as you two are being nice to each other just be honest and tell him you have to cut away.

 

then go nc and keep it.

 

at the moment its all words and no action. you are comforting him every time you respond too. shut him out in the cold and see if he takes action rather than just giving you words.

 

yes nc is to heal but also giving him the cold shoulder like that is your best chance of getting a reaction out of him. if he doesn't chase....will then you know.

 

he hasn't chased at all. only thing he was concerned about was how come i was ignoring him... and then he called me again a few days ago because he needed a favor and wanted to ask if i was ok with him using a family member contact of mine for work..... ofcourse then he also wanted to add to this by saying hi and hope i was doing ok.

[bluefairy812]

I don't know, love, it's been quite a while that you've been struggling with this. Maybe anti-depressants would help. I'm not a big fan of them, but sometimes that is what might help someone to get out of that dark hole if they need a little chemical assistance.

 

In general, I think what you really need is new people in your life. New events. New "things". New impressions. But it's not easy to get up and do those things, you have to kick your own butt sometimes. When my ex takes up too much space on my mind, I sometimes physically and literally open my hands, spreading the fingers -- just like letting go off an apple or an orange you have been holding firmly. That's why I wanted you to do that, because the process is fundamentally the same, and so is the relief.

 

You could also put a sticky note on your computer screen. Write on it: "Not everything I think is true." Because thinking the wrong thoughts is really the problem. In "A Stroke of Insight", a brain scientist writes about how a feeling only lasts 90 seconds from start to end. If it persists longer, then you feed and fuel it with your thoughts. Not doing that requires mental effort and work, such as saying to yourself, "Okay, I'll endure this pain for a minute and a half, and then I'll look at pictures of kittens and think of something other than him."

 

Getting a kitten might also help. You need someone who needs and loves you, and someone you can love. But I don't know if you can have one where you live.

 

thanks calico, actually this really helped me and i will take your advice. guess i have to ask my therapist about the anti-depressants

 

i have a 10 year old cat already, and she is very needy lol.

 

i'll keep you posted on what happens. hope your recovering from your breakup as well.

[bluefairy812]

i need your opinions. he owes me money, not 25, 50 or 100, but more.. and i'm very very broke. is breaking NC to ask him for the money a bad thing to do?????