6 Years where do I stand?

[Gravy]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been with my girlfriend for the past 6 years. We met one another at sixth form. We had the same circle of friends, however back then things got complicated and everybody fell out however me and my girlfriend stayed together leaving everyone behind. We both went to university, graduated and 6 years on looking to get engaged and married.

 

During the past two years my girlfriend has got back in touch with some old University friends she fell out with and have become strong.

 

It has not been as easy relationship, we like all couples have had our ups and downs, had mini breaks and time apart. Around 4 months ago my girlfriend told me she didnt see us working out and that she was going to be intorduced to somebody else, to date and see how it worked out. I was distraught, however kept in contact even though I knew what she was doing. We spent a month apart not in touch. Eventually she came back in touch after I spoke to one of her friends. It did not work out with the guy she was introduced too. MY girlfirend explained she saw three guys during our time apart. I accepted this as I actually love her and want to spend my life with her.

 

Earlier this month things were great, she said she wanted to get engaged in December and eventually marry within 18 months. However out of the blue she turns around saying she does not know what she wants in life. She said she wants to go travelling, spend time with her friends and explore life. She says she hasnt had the chance to do anything after being with me for 6 years and said 'before we got together you dated other girls, i didnt.'

 

She said she does not see her self getting married, ever. She admitted to not living life and says she wants to be able to go out, exchange numbers with other guys if she wants to and flirt.

 

She mentioned the fact that I am weak for always being there, that I am too nice for her.

 

What do I do this time?

 

We spoke today, we spoke normally then she said she doesnt know if she can be my friend.

 

So what shall I do ...

 

Do I make the decision to say your right, we cant be friends, cut connections and sit back and wait for her to come back. What if she never does.

 

This is going to depress me and I know I am weak

 

Advice appreciated

[Mcnulty]

So she dipped her toes in the water, didn't work out and you took her back? I understand why you would do this, hey you love her.

 

But, I hate to say this but it's GIGS. Hell, she's still young and like she said, hasn't really dated anyone else. I know it's the hardest thing in the world, but I'm afraid you're going to have to let her go.

 

She's been honest with you i guess. i know it's heartbreaking, but it sounds like she's lost respect for you and the only way she will respect you again is if you let her go. the old adage, "if you love somebody set them free"

 

But please don't think that by letting her go and cutting contact with this will get her back, it probably wont.

 

I wouldn't say you were weak. Why do you think you're weak? Because you love her? Nope, you're not, you're human...you're also young, your whole life is still ahead of you and I promise it will get easier in time.

 

I wish you strength and luck.

[Calico]

She mentioned the fact that I am weak for always being there, that I am too nice for her.

 

If she said this to you, and it is not just your interpretation based on your tendency to blame yourself, then I would not give her the satisfaction of even one more word. I'd cut her off right here and now and be done with her. She does not deserve even one more second of your time.

 

Stop being her doormat right away, since obviously she doesn't appreciate you anyway. Don't go out of your way to be an ass, either. Simply stop any and all contact and leave her in the dark, completely.

 

I want to say, "let go and move on", but six years is a long time and this is very fresh, so you won't yet feel like you can do that. There is a lot of pain ahead of you and this will get worse before it gets better, but whenever you feel despair and like you can't take it anymore, REMEMBER very clearly what she said and what she wants to do:

 

She wants to sleep around and play with other men. After all you did for her, that is her thanks. She has every right to do that and it's "normal" to want to explore if she never had the chance, but telling you that you've been too nice is the deal breaker. This is where you think: "f.uck you, I don't deserve this", because you don't. You don't deserve this. She is entitled to her freedom, but not to deliberately making you feel like s.hit by saying things deliberately aimed at hurting you.

 

Remembering this will be your source of strength when you want to pick up the phone and call her, or send an email, or when you believe you can work this out and change and be patient until she will come around, and all the other false crap your addicted brain will suggest to you as "the right thing to do". The right thing to do is to be done with this.

 

Even from the perspective of wanting her back (not a good idea), cutting contact immediately is the most promising approach. You do not owe her a notification. In fact, doing so would just further make you look weak in her eyes. Give her what she wants: don't be available, at all.

[Gravy]

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

 

Your right, I should cut contact, it would be easier. I tried that, then on the second day she text and asked to meet up, I said yes and we met up for 15 minutes and had a brief chat nothing to heavy. The next day there was no contact, the day after she called to ask if I wanted to go to dinner, which I accepted. We talked and I hinted that I was looking for no contact after she said I was too nice ect.

 

Then yesterday we met up and she told me she had been talking to a friend, who she was introduced too. She said she had feelings for him but that she thinks he does not feel the same way. She was honest with me and told me she regretted it, she says she still does not know what she wants but wants us to be friends. Shes asking if theres a chance that we could make things work in the future and I said yes probally.

 

Now shes calling asking to meet up, this is such a confusing situation do I keep going to her everytime she calls me to meet up? I said to her, if this was the other way around and I asked you to meet up you wouldnt, she admitted she probaly woudnt. What should I do

[River Rain]

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

 

Your right, I should cut contact, it would be easier. I tried that, then on the second day she text and asked to meet up, I said yes and we met up for 15 minutes and had a brief chat nothing to heavy. The next day there was no contact, the day after she called to ask if I wanted to go to dinner, which I accepted. We talked and I hinted that I was looking for no contact after she said I was too nice ect.

 

Then yesterday we met up and she told me she had been talking to a friend, who she was introduced too. She said she had feelings for him but that she thinks he does not feel the same way. She was honest with me and told me she regretted it, she says she still does not know what she wants but wants us to be friends. Shes asking if theres a chance that we could make things work in the future and I said yes probally.

 

Now shes calling asking to meet up, this is such a confusing situation do I keep going to her everytime she calls me to meet up? I said to her, if this was the other way around and I asked you to meet up you wouldnt, she admitted she probaly woudnt. What should I do

 

It sounds like she's keeping you on the back burner as a back-up plan or something. That's not fair to you. I wouldn't go to meet with her again, and please follow the advice of no contact, it's the only way to get your heart out of the way so your head can see what's going on. Once you have clarity, then you'll know what to do, but in the mean time, don't let her string you along like this, it makes it even more difficult. That happened to me and my emotions were battered from it.

[Calico]

Now shes calling asking to meet up, this is such a confusing situation do I keep going to her everytime she calls me to meet up?

 

You ask the right question, that's good! DO you want to come running to her whenever she rings the bell?

 

Remember that she dumped you because you're "too weak" and are "always there for her". It's almost as if she's testing you, but I think it's something else: The "always being there" is really nice to have in a friend. But in a lover and partner, she doesn't appreciate that, she wants to fight and struggle for attention. I think this is pretty common in younger women (maybe in men, too), and it's pretty annoying when you just want to love someone and ease into a relationship instead of playing games.

 

So, the question you have to ask yourself is this:

 

Do I want to be her man and lover, or do I want to be her best girlfriend?

 

The answer to this should determine your course of action. Make this about what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. If you want to be her boyfriend, then ask her clearly if she wants a relationship with you at this point in time. Don't accept anything other than "yes" or "no". There is a good chance that you will get other answers, like "uh...", "maybe", "don't really know", "what do you think?", "I have to think about it", "maybe some time down the road?", and so on. These don't cut it. Don't settle.

 

If you think you can be her best girlfriend (), then you can try that, but I doubt it'll work. It certainly never worked for me with an ex, whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. It always worked a couple years later, but not when the emotional situation was still red-hot. Nothing but distance and detaching helped me (and them).

 

But in the end you have to make a decision and then stick with it. Making decisions is a really scary thing, but all your power is in your ability to call the shots as far as your own life and your own choices are concerned.