A bigger LDR

[jinimbam]

Hi everyone,

 

I want to cut to the chase. This has been on my mind all night and couldn't really sleep because I kept trying to convince myself of this and that but doubts always surfaced.

 

Well, for some context, both my SO and myself are now college students in our junior year and have been in a LDR since everyone first left for college after the summer after graduation. We've had plenty of breakups/breaks, mostly due to her breaking it off because of either commitment issues, GIGS, or just the distance was too much. We officially got back together for who knows which time is was after so many breakups, and things were going very well. She comes home from college and we're able to spend the summer together in person. About three months roll by and she has to leave for Australia to study abroad.

 

Anyway, during the first week on her trip there, she suggested that we go on a break, which I obviously objected to. Her reasoning was that she was afraid that, knowing the legal age limit for drinking is low there, she might end up being flirty to other guys on the trip or end up even making out with one. She thought that a break would lift that guilt from her conscience. She still wanted us to remain contact and she urged me to meet other women as well. I expressed my feelings on this and told her that I didn't like it, but ultimately we ended up going with it anyway.

 

Two months go by with communication mostly initiated by her because that's the only way it'll work since she was doing a lot of camping and being outdoors with limited internet and phone access. However, she did get a prepaid phone to make calls back home and did a lot of calling. Regardless of mentioning a break, the way we talked was like normal. We had intimate conversations and said the "I love yous". Last time I heard from her was about 6 days ago through an email. It was normal as usual, but the reason we haven't spoken for so long was because she was on her last camping trip that prohibited electronics and phone use.

 

I didn't know when she would be back, but a couple of days ago I saw her on gmail and facebook. I've also been sending texts through iMessage knowing she has internet access now (she has an iPhone). I get no response. Last night I saw her on gmail again and I IMed her, asking her about her trip. She didn't seem excited to talk at all, so I asked her if I got her at a bad time. She said she was working on some homework and apologized in a short single sentence. Then I told her good luck and that I would talk to her later. Not wanting to make it seem like I was agitated, I threw in a smiley face at the end which I now feel I shouldn't have put in because she didn't reciprocate any affection towards me. She then just signed off.

 

Initially, I just figured she was super busy. That is until I saw he online on facebook chat but not on gmail. So I wondered, she had time to go on a social networking website after she was working on an essay and felt no need to recontact me after I tried to talk to her.

 

Now I'm just confused on how to handle this. Should I just stop talking to her and wait until she contacts me and gives me an apology? Does this behavior from her warrant me to just go out there have fun? Not necessarily sleep with other women but meet others out there. To be frank, it wasn't really cool of her to do that. I mean, when you're in a relationship, regardless of how busy you are, you should be able to at least show some affection in an apology if the he or she can't really be there, ESPECIALLY in an LDR this big. IMO, that's just common courtesy to the person you care about.

 

And what's really been affecting me is the fact that there's a girl in one of my classes that's been noticing me and I've done nothing about it until we were walking toward each other one day. I caught her looking at me, I smile and she smiled back and looked down.

 

I don't want to do anything stupid or be a douchebag to my girlfriend by cheating. I mean I guess flirting is alright but one can only look but not touch. Actually, I don't even know if she's still my "girlfriend" because I don't even know if we're still on this "break". We're not even listed as in a relationship on facebook anymore. We were awhile ago but she never bothered to change it.

 

Help? So confused. I'm not one to break things off because I still really care about her.

[umirano]

You two do not have a stable relationship (countless breaks, GIGS) and she does not show a lot of care for you. Write to her that you concluded this (basically what you laid out in your post) and stop talking to her. Demand her to come clean and decide what she wants.

It seems to me you want something more out of this relationship than what you are currently getting. Tell her. Then it is her turn to man up and let you know what she wants.

I don't have too much hope though. Neglecting and ignoring you on IM is a pretty strong sign (speaking of my own experience), especially given your history. And you seem like a decent guy. No matter how hot or cute or smart that girl is, you don't really deserve being played like this.

If she is serious about you a serious email of yours listing all the issues you're seeing should make her move. If she does not move you have your answer. You're both young, you are not expected to have found your life-long partner. Breaking up at that age doesn't hurt you in the long run. And it will be a helpful experience for future relationships, regardless of the distance.

 

Always make clear what you want from a relationship, make your bf/gf state clearly what they want. You may not always like what you hear, but it saves you time, and possibly a lot of pain.

 

Good luck!