dorienti Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) This is my first heartbreak, thus my first time posting in this forum. My situation is beyond bizarre so bare with me. Im going to try to make this a long story short, but basically, first love for me, i was the the first love for her. we were together for a little over 2 years and we just never had any luck financially. we moved 300 miles to a new town for some new opportunity and when we got here, we were met with disappointment. shortly after she found this ranch up in the foothills of where we are living she worked and worked and worked for a couple weeks, then she started to not come home, then she told me she was moving out, then a week later, our friend from home came up to see us, and she because we all knew that our relationship was rocky, she tried to mediate us working out some problems. thats when she hit me with a whole bunch of stuff that was news to me. i felt like i had woken up from something and i knew that i had been neglecting her. so that whole we, my heart made me send her romatic texts, and i took her flowers when i saw her, and then that weekend i took her out on her dream date. but it turns out, she thought i was kissing her ass. and that night, she dumped me. all within like 3 weeks. not 2 weeks before that, all she could do was post on facebook about how much she loves me, and how proud she is of me, then this ranch happens, and she starts feeding me lines like, i love you, but im not in love you right now, i've been debating our relationship for a year (new to me) she needs to live her life without me right now, she doesnt want to be held down, she hasnt had fun in what seems like forever, blah blah blah. so she dumps me, then says she still wants to date, because she thinks that clean slating the situation will fix it. (i disagree). it breaks my heart and i suffer pain i've never ever ever felt before. so everyone starts to tell me, dont talk to her, give her space, so on and so on. all of her stuff is still at my house, we have animals together, the only thing she has up on that ranch is a weeks worth of clothes, while im sitting in a house full of her stuff. she says stuff like, if i wanted to leave you, i wouldnt have just left you completely (but im like wtf, you did...!!!). so i want to share what my actions have been since this happened, and i while in retrospect i know i've made a lot of stupid moves since the break up, but im so friggen confused. the day she left me, she made me think that it was ok to just let her go, and date other people, and have fun and flirt. i was like "if thats what you need, then fine, go, i'll be here." i took her home, and immediately was like "WTF that is not love. wtf am i doing." so i drove up the mountain to that ****in ranch at 5am, blew her phone up and got her to meet me outside where i told her that i couldnt even go to sleep once knowing that i made her think that i could let her go just like that, and be ok with sharing her. feeling that way even for a minute made me sick, but was the power of her manipulation. i then drove off the mountain, where i started my mental breakdown and the river of tears started. i didnt talk to her all day that day. that night, i called her and told her that i accept that she didnt want to be with me and that i was letting her go, but that im here and that im not going anywhere. i told her that i just wanted to be able to spend time with her without her hating me, and that i didnt want whatever her frustration was clouding the time i spent with her. she said thats exactly what she wanted, and thanked me. said take car of the kids (our pets) and said she'd talk to me soon. i made a vow to myself that i would refrain from establishing contact with her so that she really could have her space. well what does she do, the very next day after that conversation, she texts me. we talk for a few texts back and forth about some random ****, then that was it. and that has happened EVERY FRIGGEN day this week. i didnt contact her once on my own this past week (the first week of the official breakup) i didnt bring up our issues when we talked, nothing. but no phone calls, just texts. its been messing with me. then she started to call me darlin again. and babe. then on friday night she sent me one of these "<33" - i then realized that for the first time in months, i had to erase my texts from her, cuz i had so many, that the phone ran out of memory. but then, the same day, (yesterday) i met someone that had experienced quite the bit of hell at this ranch, and was going into some pretty extreme details without having any idea that my girl had left me for that place. i freaked, and i called her. now we both have this mustache tattoo on our fingers, and we've always had this rule, that if one of us puts the stache up to our face, its all bull**** aside, this is some serious convo we're about to have. so when she picked up, i said "i need you to put the stache up" and she was like whoa ok whats up, and i told her that i had heard some pretty awful things about the ranch, but i didnt go into any kind of detail. i told her that she knows what to do because of past experiences, and i told her i was worried. she then said, "im not gonna lie to you, its pretty messed up here right now, but we're trying work through it." then she said " but i promise that if something bad happens, i will call you , pack my **** up and come home. that made me feel like a million bucks. tonight (saturday) was supposed to be the first time she was able to go out and have fun on her own without have to worry about me, but as fate would have it, i ended up at the house directly across the street from where she was (it was on a party campus, i was djing a show across the street from where she went to party) so i was there for work and i was getting paid. but i had to call and tell her that i was going to be there just incase we ran into each other so she wouldnt think that i was stalking her. she didnt seem mad about it at all, and then an hour later asked me for the address of the place so she could stop by. when she did, she looked more done up, and more beautiful then i'd seen her in a long time. then we ended doing what every stupid young couple does and started to talk about the situation we were in. i told her that i couldnt deal with the uncertainty and that i needed to know what the hell was going on. i was like "what are we" and she said "there is no us. we are not a couple. you are not my boyfriend. you are my best friend, and we're here for each other right now". but i told her that i had come to a lot of realizations this week, and that i needed to make peace with her because of how heavy my regrets weigh on my heart. i told her that i wanted us to learn from this, and move on and fix this. and, she agreed. so when i started to dj, i looked over and she was there, so i being the idiot i am, played all the songs that i knew made her smile, and i knew they would def stir her emotions a bit. she raged her ass off and we had a great time. but then right after that, we walked over to the party she was at, and there was this dude that was hitting on her in the most desperate pathetic way possible, and he had no idea who i was or that i even knew her. and she looks at me and my dj partner and says to the guy "these are my two friends _____ and _____" IT ****ED ME UP!!!! completely derailed me AGAIN! so at this point, i dont know wtf to do. i tried to do the NC thing, but she kept hitting me up. and because we lived together, and she moved out onto a ranch were she's living in a ****in yert, i couldnt just stop careing about her or her safety. so of course i was going to talk to her when she texted me. so heres where im at. its been 3 weeks since she moved out. 2 weeks since she established there was a problem. and 1 week since the official break up. there has not been an entire 24 hours of no contact. and up until friday, it was her hitting me up once or twice a day. she told me that i handled this week perfectly, and that i gave her space and she knows, and appreciates it. and then she said i didnt have to hide, and that i could hit her up whenever, just not everyday when i wake up and and go to sleep, and i cant say i love you to her cuz she doesnt feel like she can honestly say it back "right now" so... wtf am i doing?!?!??!!?!?? i want to marry this girl, and she says she knows we'll be together again, but i dont know if i can sit here while she goes out and dates other people because she wanted to run away from our problems for minute. should i treat this like shes on vaction from our problems and she'll be back? is she ****ing with me? and, i've said everything i've done, what the hell do i do now? Thanks guys/girls. Im a wreck, and i need help. Edited October 14, 2012 by dorienti
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