Saw my ex today

[CopingGal]

I saw my ex today. I saw him with the woman he cheated on me with. Seems like they got back together. I saw him in the store. I turned and ducked into an isle. I stood there breathing hard. Then I came out and stood near the edge of the cashiers converyor belt while he purchased items. I stood there with a confrontational look on my face DARING him to say something to me. But her never looked my way. I don't think he knew I was there.

 

Next time I won't do that. I told him he was dead to me. I have to act like it. Maybe I will nod my head or even say hi, as it's hard for me to walk by someone I know and not say anything. But I will not have a conversation with him.

 

After he left I told the cashier I was looking at someone I could not stand and that he was the woman's problem now. I should not have done that either. I don't know this cashier.

 

Afterwards I sat with my roommate in the food court. I grabbed his hands and just breathed deeply- in through the nose, out through the mouth. I did it for a long time. I just held onto him and did my deep breathing. He talked to me while I did it. Then we went on to talk about other things. I did not shed one tear. I did not feel like crying. Even now there are no tears. I'm sad, but I don't feel like crying.

 

I can tell you this, I had this deep feeling of pity for his gf. I just felt so sorry for her. I wasn't angry at her. I just felt so sorry for her. This woman has been physically abused. Now she is with someone who is a compulsive liar, impulsive, and has sociopathic-narcissitic traits. She has saddled herself with a psychological and emotional abuser. She has decided to once again be with a psychological nightmare. She's not very bright. She's older, a recovering alcoholic and a smoker (he hates cigarette smoke). He's a good lover, he's very good looking, and he's charming....and he's a terrible human-being.

 

I'm pretty sure in his eyes, the fact that she doesn't make him use condoms makes her better than me. The fact that she trusted him completely the first time she met him in person- a man she met on the internet...someone she never ever met before, makes her better than me in his eyes. He has actually thrown this in my face. I'm just not that stupid. Anyone who trusts someone they met off the internet completely the first time they see them is a weak-minded fool.

 

When I met him face to face for the first time, I told him my uncle was a cop, which was true. I read information off of his driver's license into my phone- into the answering machine. That was the only way I was going to get into the car with him. I met him on the internet and there was NO way I was going to mindlessly go off anywhere with some man I had never seen before in my life except in pictures and not leave some trail behind. So yeah, I did that and I am proud and I stand by my decision. He pretended to be okay with that. He wasn't. He pretended not to be bothered in the least. He complained about it three years later while he was throwing that stupid old-hag in my face.

 

He bragged about the fact that she trusted him the very first time she met him in person. I'm sorry, but I won't apologize for not being stupid. I won't apologize for being smart. He seemed to have a problem with my intelligence throughout the relationship.

 

In his mind, kindness, decency, strength of character, and honesty don't matter. A woman who is weak-minded, foolish, easy to manipulate, has very questionnable morals, and doesn't require condoms is everything my ex could ever want. I'm so incredibly glad we are not a good fit. I'm so incredibly glad.

 

I imagine that he is pretending to be a decent person the way he did with me. I don't know how anyone can make it their life's work to trick people, fool people, lie to people, do terrible things to people behind their backs, brag about these things, show no remorse whatsoever, feel entitled to take advantage of people, and then go around telling people that they are a "straight shooter" (honest) and "a marytr." He is crazy...so crazy- he is scary. I'm just so glad I kicked him out of my life. That is one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself.

 

And I'm still not crying. I feel sad, but not that sad. He is a menance to society and has been in trouble with the law. I'm not crying. I feel relieved that that bastard will never touch me again.

Edited October 14, 2012 by CopingGal

[Sugarkane]

Sorry to hear that CopingGal. Luckily you had you're roommate with you. I haven't had a run in, but I would just try to fake it until I make it. That is my plan if the same thing ever happens. It must have been incredibly difficult not to smash something on this guy. You're Lucky you got away from this scumbag. Has he knocked up this latest gf yet? I hope this guy gets run over by a Bus or something. You deserve better. Is he cheating on his gf yet?! You are a strong lady, if you got through this, you can get through anything.

[Sugarkane]

I wish I knew more what to do when they lie and make out they're fantastic people. Other people should soon find out lol.

[CopingGal]

Thanks for your support SugarKane. Next time, I plan to journal about my dates, especially in the beginning. Writing about my experiences and my feelings will help me to discover red-flags and be less likely to ignore them.

 

I've also learned a hard lesson. Having a partner in your life is not the thing to strive for. Having a partner in your life who respects you and who is good to you is what people need to strive for...not any old partner, but a worthwhile partner.

 

I tried to turn my ex into a good man when I was with him. A good man comes already good. It's not my job to turn a bastard into a good man. And excuse after excuse after excuse? It doesn't matter why the idiot is not treating me well, only that he is not treating me well. I'm no longer interested in why someone is disrepecting me and making excuses. If he's a creep, I'm gone. I'm no longer interested in making excuses for bad behavior. It was a lesson I had to learn because my mom always excepted my dad's terrible treatment. So I actually had to go out and learn that I deserve to be with a man that is good to me, not someone who is bad to me and makes tons of excuses for his bad behavior.

 

I don't think parents realize that when you decide to stay in very dysfunctional relationship, the kids grow up with a strange idea of what is normal. That's what I did. It took my ex pschologically beating me down to the ground for me to rise up and learn about respect and self-esteem.

[Sugarkane]

I can relate as my mother is always like "you have to be married just to leave home etc etc". So I end up being too needy as I'm desperate to leave home. I think it's sad that in this day and age I was brought up like that.

[CopingGal]

I know what you mean. MY mother raised me to be needy.

 

After what happened last night, I thought about contacting a man I had been talking to. I had told him before that I wasn't looking to date, just to talk right now...then I decided even that was too much for me. After last night I wanted to contact him, but I won't. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to depend on any man to get through this except my best friend.

 

If I hadn't been so needy for a man, I probably would have left my ex before the second date, instead of making excuses for him and swallowing his lies for three years. I need to be strong. I need to be strong.

 

I come from a dysfunctional family and I need to be strong, and grow, and heal more before I even consider talking to men who might be potential dates. I don't care how bad I feel, I'm not going to cope by running to some man who wants to date me so I can feel better about myself.

[Sugarkane]

I think you did pretty well. I would want so badly to tell my ex friends what I really think if them. I'm so sick to death with doing the right thing.

[Coffee20]

Hello CopingGal,

 

I am sorry to hear all this and I can understand the way you feel.

Do you know what really helped me? I see now my ex every day, god I have to have great LUCK because we have only one class together. When I saw him for the first few times, I stared at him, I was shaking and sweating, felt like crying and my legs felt so heavy. No I have learned to pass and act like he doesn't exist, like he is a complete stranger. The more I see him the better it is. I can think that this man have never really been my bf and I dated someone else. I know it's him of course but my mind is now able to block him. It really helps me that I see him so often and I know he doesn't give a damn or he maybe waits again for me to start conversation, to hurt or laugh again - but he will never get it .

[CopingGal]

Hello CopingGal,

 

I am sorry to hear all this and I can understand the way you feel.

Do you know what really helped me? I see now my ex every day, god I have to have great LUCK because we have only one class together. When I saw him for the first few times, I stared at him, I was shaking and sweating, felt like crying and my legs felt so heavy. No I have learned to pass and act like he doesn't exist, like he is a complete stranger. The more I see him the better it is. I can think that this man have never really been my bf and I dated someone else. I know it's him of course but my mind is now able to block him. It really helps me that I see him so often and I know he doesn't give a damn or he maybe waits again for me to start conversation, to hurt or laugh again - but he will never get it .

 

 

Hi. Thanks. I think had this been just a bad break up...maybe. But this man harassed me, psychologically abused me, and pretty much tried to mentally torture me. He thought it was funny to damage me. That's very different from just a bad beak-up. This man is sociopathic. The couple's therapist said the mental cruelty he inflicted on me was criminal. I have to get away, but thanks for your posting. I hope to be moved within the next month.

[Coffee20]

.

Hi. Thanks. I think had this been just a bad break up...maybe. But this man harassed me, psychologically abused me, and pretty much tried to mentally torture me. He thought it was funny to damage me. That's very different from just a bad beak-up. This man is sociopathic. The couple's therapist said the mental cruelty he inflicted on me was criminal. I have to get away, but thanks for your posting. I hope to be moved within the next month.

 

hmm also a very bad relationship and you know it, not so long and harsh like yours but still very bad but sadly I have no option

I think you do a right thing to move out.

Also I know your is a sociopath man and the best way is to stay away from him, so I hope he will never try to talk to you again and you are glad to have at least your friend who provides you a support like that.....when you are out of your city, it will be better for coping

Edited October 16, 2012 by Coffee20

[CopingGal]

.

 

hmm also a very bad relationship and you know it, not so long and harsh like yours but still very bad

.

 

Yeah, I do know it. I was thinking about you the other day and how you felt when you saw your ex with his gf. I'm glad that you are getting used to seeing him. I've had bad break ups before and I've been extremely upset before, but I never felt like I had been mentally tortured before this ex. I'm just looking forward to leaving.

[BlackSwanMan]

I really feel for you especially since I cannot relate to how he could treat someone the way he treated you.

 

I imagine it is very hard to trust someone after all that you have been through.

 

However, I understand why he may feel you did not trust him from the start by your actions on the first date. I also understand why he may have made it an issue between you that continues to create conflict and is a factor in his next relationship.

 

Truth is - when you got in his car on that first date - you still did not trust him - you had created a trail and possible consequences in the event that his intentions were malicious. He didn't need to live up to your trust in him - he just had to fear the consequences of doing the wrong thing.

 

Often we live up to other people's expectations of our behavior. When a teacher has faith in us to perform well then we often strive to achieve. Similarly when we have someone that distrusts us we can live up to their lower expectations in spite of ourselves.

 

In future I suggest keeping your distrust of strangers away from their awareness as much as possible. Be careful but not paranoid. Keep the cop relative to a later discussion and preferably as a fun aside anecdote rather than a threat. If they have poor intentions they will that notice that the relative is a cop anyway - if not they will enjoy the anecdote.

 

If you are fearful then meet someone new with a friend - if need be have the friend run into you and have them ask what your prospective date does. If you really want to leave a trail have them ask how to contact the date because they know someone looking to information related to what they do.

"An accountant - wow that's luck my boss is unhappy with his accountant - can I get your number?" "An actor - wow that's lucky my nephew is thinking about becoming an actor and could really do with some real life advise - can I get your number?" ...

 

Worst case if no one else can be the friend or the date is not forthcoming with a number - just call a friend/mum/sister who "worries about you" (could even be your answering machine) and let them know where you are going and when you will be home. And confirm that yes you will ring them when you are home safe.

 

You indicate you trust them but your friend/mum/sister doesn't ... until they get to know them better.

 

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst taking care not to sabotage your best chance of future success.

 

Good luck with everything

[CopingGal]

Hi. I actually have no problem with what I did. I don't live in an area that has great transportation and I have no problem in being that careful when getting into his car. I'd do it again with a new guy. I stand by what I did.

 

I did not set myself up for the way he treated me. You have to understand something...the man is a compulsive liar and has traits of sociopathy and narcissim. Sociopaths are cruel and passive agressive or actually aggressive. They are liars, users, and manipulators. This woman has complete trust in him, yet he will lie to her constantly. He can't help it. He is sociopathic...he literally cannot help it.

 

The man needs someone that trusts in him completely so he can use her and manipulate her.

 

I'm not making this stuff up. The couple's therapist we went to told me she didn't believe a word he said in therapy, that he was disresepectful towards women, that he had sociopathic tendencies, that he had traits of narcissitic personality disorder, and that his prognosis was dismal. So believe me, I hold not blame in any of it.

 

It didn't matter what I did, he would have done those things to me. He may had said other hurtful things to me and left the trust issues out of his harassment, but he harrassed me on different levels regarding different topics. And by the way, any person who completely trusts some man they just met on the Internet is bonkers.

 

The therapist told me not to put any value on anything that man says.

 

The man lied about everything. I didn't set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sociopaths lie about everything...that's the way it is. He lied about facebook, mice, his son, the super-bowl party, everything and anything. That's his personality and has nothing to do with me being cautious.

 

I know you are trying to help, so thanks, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. If a man wants me to have complete trust in him and I don't know him, then he can just go screw himself.

 

He has already done some things that have lead me to believe he is lying to his current gf. He can't stop disrespecting people. He can't stop cheating. I'm not the first person he cheated on, but I decided not to hold it against him. I decided to TRUST that he wouldn't do it to me. Well, he did. The many is very, very dysfunctional. He abandoned his mother, his very, very sick father, and all of his siblings.

 

He harassed me to the point that I had to threaten to call the police 4 different times. This has nothing to do with me not trusting him on the first date. And if he felt so bad about the fact I did not trust him, he should have been man enough to say something instead of pretending to be fine with it and then complaining about it 3 years later.

 

Hope I didn't come across harsh. My harshness is regarding him, not you. I appreciate you trying to help. Thank you.

 

Take care of you.

Edited October 19, 2012 by CopingGal

[BlackSwanMan]

My concern is exactly that ... you have no problem with what you did.

 

Doing it again like that is likely to sabotage future relationships from the start. Independently of what happened with the loser - he does not appear to be worth your time or your words.

 

Be very safe considering your circumstances but demonstrate to people that you trust them - even (perhaps especially) if you don't.

[CopingGal]

Be very safe considering your circumstances but demonstrate to people that you trust them - even (perhaps especially) if you don't.

 

No dear. That sounds like lying to me. But thanks. Trust is earned. Anyone who doesn't believe that is not the right person for me. Besides I gave my ex tons of trust after the first date...to much trust.

 

But seriously, I'm not going to get into a car with a male stranger I met on the internet with no safety net. We talked for some times before I met him, but I thank goodness I did what I did.

Edited October 19, 2012 by CopingGal