That dreaded question: how to find out if you're dating someone exclusively?

[HeldbyGravity]

As in "We are now boyfriend/girlfriend"? I'm gonna try not to focus on this at this point since we haven't even been on two dates yet, but I'm thinking ahead a bit, judging by how we're doing right now. We have gone on one date so far in the 2 months I've known him (two weeks ago), and he wants to take me out again soon. We have hung out to get to know each other a handful of times, and enjoy each other's company. He Is still "interested" in me, has said it and shows it. He's very sweet and affectionate with me as well. We have both confessed we're looking for someone special (when we first met), and that we're not just looking to "fool around". So we're both looking for a Long Term Relationship.

 

I have never been in this situation, where someone asking me out isn't the START of the relationship, since the last guy I went out with was a close friend first. Does a person Ask you to be exclusive with them, normally? Is it something that is assumed over time?

Edited October 14, 2012 by HeldbyGravity

[mesmerized]

You have to verbally agree on it. In my case I never had to ask but I would if I had to.

[D-Lish]

It should just happen, be a natural progression from dating to something more. It's NOT something you voice out loud, it's unspoken. It should be obvious.

 

If it's not obvious to you- there is a problem. If a guy really likes you, you'll KNOW it, and you'll feel it.

[RachR]

It should just happen, be a natural progression from dating to something more. It's NOT something you voice out loud, it's unspoken. It should be obvious.

 

If it's not obvious to you- there is a problem. If a guy really likes you, you'll KNOW it, and you'll feel it.

 

Not agreeing or disagreeing, but isn't this kind of thinking and assuming what gets a lot of women in trouble, thinking they're exclusive then it turns out the guy had other ideas? Causing miscommunications? Seems there are a lot of posts here stemming from this kind of thing.

[mtnbiker]

No pu**yfooting about it, I just ask straight out, or they do, "Are we going to be exclusive". This is not something to play games with-imo.

[NoMoreJerks]

Not agreeing or disagreeing, but isn't this kind of thinking and assuming what gets a lot of women in trouble, thinking they're exclusive then it turns out the guy had other ideas? Causing miscommunications? Seems there are a lot of posts here stemming from this kind of thing.

My thoughts exactly. I didn't ask my ex, and it turned out he wanted a FWB all along, but was pretending it was more (and I was partly to blame because I ignored red flags, like him not wanting to call me even when he had nothing to do and was sitting at home)..

 

From now on, in all my future dates/relationships, I will be asking.

[Gypsie]

My thoughts exactly. I didn't ask my ex, and it turned out he wanted a FWB all along, but was pretending it was more (and I was partly to blame because I ignored red flags, like him not wanting to call me even when he had nothing to do and was sitting at home).

 

From now on, in all my future dates/relationships, I will be asking.

 

I was just going to go with the flow with my ex also but could see that things were not adding up with him (red flags) so had to bring something up. As it turned out all (the uneasy feeling I had was spot on) all he did want was FWB all along and I did not want that at all. He ended up ending it when I said I did not want to take part in that with him.

 

Even though it does hurt. Just glad it only lasted two and a half months. Not 6 months, a year or even longer.

 

I am also going to be asking from now on. Like I did with him.

 

It's better to be hurt short term knowing he wanted different things to you, then ending up heart broken long term after finding out he was stringing you along for a year or even longer.

 

If he is crazy about you then he will have no problem telling you even if you do ask I reckon.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Gypsie

[phineas]

You have only been on one date.

You aren't even at the point of sex yet. Or are you?

 

If you don't want sex with a guy unless you are exclusive tell him.

I don't understand the problem.

[mammasita]

Communicate.!.!

 

I disagree that it should be a natural unspoken progression, it needs to be discussed and mutually agreed upon.

[Leigh 87]

If I thought we were both really into each other (he initiates contact and is very interested in me beyond the sex) I would simply ask him.

 

I would just say something similar to " so, do you think we should just see each other and see where it goes, or are you still open to seeing other girls"

 

If they still feel the desire to see other girls, obviously he is not into me enough to continue dating.

 

I know it varys, but I personally cannot wait even a month for a guy to decide. I believe in knowing early on if your into someone enough to stop seeing others.

 

I would say after a couple of weeks, or whenever I feel like we are really into each other, I would ask that question.

[HeldbyGravity]

You have only been on one date.

You aren't even at the point of sex yet. Or are you?

 

If you don't want sex with a guy unless you are exclusive tell him.

I don't understand the problem.

 

We have been on one date, but have been hanging out as well. Getting to know each other, like at his place and mine and out at events in town (where we just "happen" to meet). Sex isn't in the equation. Practicing Christians (and we've talked about what that implies for both of us), so the dynamics are a bit different. It's the difference between being with someone exclusively and just "dating", as dating implies you are still single and can see other people.

 

Communicate.!.!

 

I disagree that it should be a natural unspoken progression, it needs to be discussed and mutually agreed upon.

 

I thought it might be a little bit odd unless we both can talk about it.

 

 

I would say after a couple of weeks, or whenever I feel like we are really into each other, I would ask that question.

 

I'm not going to wait too much longer to ask it. Both of our intentions seem clear, he just hasn't voiced it... so either he was just implying that we're going out, or he is planning on asking eventually.

Edited October 14, 2012 by HeldbyGravity

[Leigh 87]

It should just happen, be a natural progression from dating to something more. It's NOT something you voice out loud, it's unspoken. It should be obvious.

 

If it's not obvious to you- there is a problem. If a guy really likes you, you'll KNOW it, and you'll feel it.

 

 

ALWAYS the case for me, too.

 

I have yet to encounter a good "actor".

 

I do, however, make sure they KNOW they I; do not want a fwb situation, in passing, inadvertently in conversations.

[Gypsie]

ALWAYS the case for me, too.

 

I have yet to encounter a good "actor".

 

I do, however, make sure they KNOW they I; do not want a fwb situation, in passing, inadvertently in conversations.

 

I have encountered one of them and the worst part is that they still deny it to this day. Would prefer a guy to be honest and upfront about what they want.

 

Instead of having to play 'nice guy act' all the time.

 

I was the one that had to tell him I did not want a FWB situation and he ended up ending it.

 

Just be prepared. If you do talk about it though. Like in my case. It may not be something you do not want to hear.

 

Regardless you have just got to accept that and move on.

 

In your case it might be different so good luck.

 

Make sure you communicate the seeing where it goes issue so you both know what it means to you guys.

 

I got that same line and that still means nothing to some people. Roll eyes.

[suladas]

Never had to ask, it was assumed because from even before the first date we would text back and forth everyday, so we always knew what the other was doing. So it was quite clear for both of us, that no one was seeing other people, going on dates, etc. I agree it's better if it's spoken, she didn't ask me outright it was something like "It's good to know i'm not just a one night stand, you should tell me how you feel about me more often".

 

Communication is so important, i'd rather have a bit of a awkward conversation then always guessing.

[january2011]

I never used to ask because I'd come from a background where once romantic interest had been mutually agreed, it was understood that you were now in a monogamous relationship with the potential to go long-term.

 

However, with the advent of OLD and multi-dating, I've found it is best not to assume anything. That is, assume, makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me."

 

Rather than ask, "are we now boyfriend and girlfriend?" I suggest, "are you seeing/serious about anyone else?" Or something that's more open-ended would be, "I like you a lot and would like to date exclusively, what do you think?"

[HeldbyGravity]

I never used to ask because I'd come from a background where once romantic interest had been mutually agreed, it was understood that you were now in a monogamous relationship with the potential to go long-term.

 

However, with the advent of OLD and multi-dating, I've found it is best not to assume anything. That is, assume, makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me."

 

Rather than ask, "are we now boyfriend and girlfriend?" I suggest, "are you seeing/serious about anyone else?" Or something that's more open-ended would be, "I like you a lot and would like to date exclusively, what do you think?"

 

I used to assume that too. Romance has become complicated. Too many "other" options that people are opting for.

 

I could ask something more general like that yeah. I guess then I'd just be a little confused if I received a very "general" answer. Like instead of "Not seeing anyone, I only want to see you right now", he could just say, "No, not seeing anyone else". He.... doesn't seem like the type to date more than one girl at once, just based on what he has told me of his past experiences, and on his personality. But I could be wrong, do NOT want to make that mistake!

[Ruby Slippers]

The book "Mars and Venus on a Date" talks about the 5 stages of relationships that progress to marriage, and they are: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement/marriage. You are still in the initial attraction phase, testing out your attraction to each other and compatibility. Next will come a personal questioning phase, where each of you questions if this is the right person and relationship for you. If you withstand that, you'll progress to exclusivity.

 

Personally, I'm old-fashioned about romance, and I always wait for the guy to ask for exclusivity. In my case, they always have. Usually, he first starts hinting or comes right out and asks if I'm dating others, and I say no, as I do not date more than one person at a time. Or he tells me he's not dating anyone else and doesn't want to. And then after that, he'll do something to make it very clear, like introduce me to a friend as his girlfriend, call me his girlfriend, etc.

 

I recommend the book. Like most dating books, it's not perfect, and you have to take it with a grain of salt. Some say the author is old-fashioned, and I can see that. He treats men and women as the unique creatures they are, and discusses the differences in what they want from a relationship, how their respective tendencies can inhibit attraction and bonding, and what you can do to avoid those tendencies.

 

A common mistake he discusses is women having sex too fast. He contends that this compromises the initial attraction and bonding because a man's natural drive to impress the woman and prove himself a worthy mate is watered down. And he talks about different ways that men get in their own way, too.

 

It's got some really good advice if you're looking for a serious, solid relationship that leads to marriage.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

[HeldbyGravity]

I was JUST at the library, would have searched for that book xD. It sounds like what I'm looking for.

 

I'm also very old-fashioned; well, so is this guy. He believes that a woman shouldn't have to ask the guy out on a date (not Can't, just Shouldn't Have to)... so thinking he might bring it up before I do.

[Ruby Slippers]

I was JUST at the library, would have searched for that book xD. It sounds like what I'm looking for.

 

I'm also very old-fashioned; well, so is this guy. He believes that a woman shouldn't have to ask the guy out on a date (not Can't, just Shouldn't Have to)... so thinking he might bring it up before I do.

Yes, I gathered that by what you said about being Christian and waiting to have sex.

 

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual with strong values. I'm dating a guy who had a conservative religious upbringing, and I must say it's really refreshing to be with a guy with strong values. We've talked about our views on gender and the differences between men and women, and we're on the same page there.

 

Other than having sex right away, our courtship has been very traditional. But we've talked several times about that, and we agree it was too fast and have discussed the ramifications of it.

 

I think one of the very biggest things going wrong in romantic relationships these days is that people are having sex too fast, not taking the proper amount of time to get to know each other before getting physical. I think people like you who stay committed to your values and exercise some self-control and restraint have the best chances for success in love

[HeldbyGravity]

Yes, I gathered that by what you said about being Christian and waiting to have sex.

 

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual with strong values. I'm dating a guy who had a conservative religious upbringing, and I must say it's really refreshing to be with a guy with strong values. We've talked about our views on gender and the differences between men and women, and we're on the same page there.

 

Other than having sex right away, our courtship has been very traditional. But we've talked several times about that, and we agree it was too fast and have discussed the ramifications of it.

 

I think one of the very biggest things going wrong in romantic relationships these days is that people are having sex too fast, not taking the proper amount of time to get to know each other before getting physical. I think people like you who stay committed to your values and exercise some self-control and restraint have the best chances for success in love

 

I will hope that it means something good for us! I believe it will, and thank you for understanding. Lots of folks kinda beat me down for it. I don't want to shove it on anyone that they should or shouldn't wait a certain period of time, but a lot of folks do seem to equate love with sex and then jump into bed, or just get super-excited and jump ahead- and sex releases hormones that would normally make you feel closer to a close partner when by that time period it's impossible to be, so I do think there are disadvantages there. But traditional values all the way!