Beatbox120 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 I don't know where to start with this one, or under which forum it belongs...... Basically I've been with my girlfriend around 10 months. Most of this time has been as a long distance relationship, we get to see each other once per month approx or for a week here or there with holidays from work etc. we met just after she split up with her ex boyfriend of 7 months. They split because they were making each others lives really difficult. This was approx a month before she was to move abroad. We got together then and have been together since. Our relationship has got stronger despite the distance. Both found it tough but not impossible or as bad as I had thought it would be. We were/are both crazy about each other and we were/are really in love. We just click as two people together, she is the type of person that suits me perfectly. She's honest caring and it is really enjoyable to be around her. She went as far as calling me her perfect man. And I was the ideal person even comparing me to her previous boyfriend who wasn't. However, about 5 weeks ago her ex boyfriend died in a tragic motorcycle accident. It was a horrible thing to happen and she was/is distraught. She immediately came home to attend the funeral etc. I picked her up and she stayed in mine for a few days. I dropped her off at the funeral home , picked her up. Brought her to friends of her ex bf that they used to visit together. Brought her to buy flowers for his grave and brought her to the graveyard too. She started telling me stories of when they were together. And how she regretted leaving him and that maybe it wouldn't of happened etc. I couldn't cope too well either. We cried together. Asked her questions about their relationship and times together etc. but feelings of jealousy started to get the better of me. I got angry when photos of them together started appearing on Facebook and she started putting statuses about losing the person she loved etc. I just couldn't keep my feelings in. Plus she wanted to get a tattoo which I was totally against. I didn't want to see a mark from him on her body when we were together. We argued over this. I said I would more than hate the tattoo....and I could never bear to see her with it..... She began to feel that she couldn't talk to me about all this because she seen my reactions.... But after 2-3 weeks she decided she wanted a break from our relationship.... I got frustrated again and said some stupid things like oh I guess he won in the end etc..... She got angry,,, she says she doesn't want to hurt me and she can't cope with all this...I apologised and realised I wasn't giving her the support she needed... I got flowers sent to her home and wrote a note apologising for my behaviour.. She liked them, and things were ok for a few days....we booked a trip to the Maldives together for February.. She seemed keen, checking resorts etc..... Then the other day I asked her on Skype how she was coping with his death and everything else...she said that it felt like we weren't on a break at all and said she want to have a break she needed time and space....she said i was trying to carry on like nothing had happened and I was ignoring his death and pressuring her to act like normal.. She said she was tired of pretending to be happy with me just so she wouldn't hurt me... She said she is still devasted... I told her I understood and I don't expect her to be happy,, I wanted her to talk to me about all the thoughts in her head even if she thought they would hurt me.... She told me about all the regrets,, of how she treated him.,, how she ignored his messages he sent her after they broke up.. How she wished she had replied etc... She says she wants a break,, and that I keep planning too far ahead,, she says she still wants to talk to me ,,and she wants to see me in 3 weeks time when we both have holidays from work..,she said that we aren't necessarily over for good.. But she also says she can't handle this long distance relationship cause I'm not there for her and I can't give her everything she needs right now and cant give her what she needs from a relationship. I plan to find work beside her,, but i need more experience which could take between 7 months and 2 years. I feel like this has torn us apart, everything was perfect before... I love this girl so much and i care for her so much, but I don't know what to do? Have I ruined our relationship with my behaviour? I don't want to lose her.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Well Beatbox I'm not going to sugar coat it because you seem in need of a big reality check. I could tell right away in the initial stages of this post that she was still in love with this guy...It was unwinding like the perfect rebound relationship. You have to realize she probably didn't leave this guy because she wanted to but because she had to, because this doesn't sound like she ever walked away from this guy on her own...he probably cheated on her or he wasn't completely happy with her and she thought he was everything she wanted but she couldn't get him to give it all to her..that's a very typical scenario. So that 7 months of being broken up with him is debatable, she was probably in contact or associated in his life in some way, shape or form, mutual friends and the like, she probably never really cut the cord. Then you come into her life, a nice distraction, strong initial emotions and she got a taste of that experience and wanted to believe it was something significant and true love and all that...you were basically providing what her ex couldn't and you were the ex that she couldn't have, his face was still plastered in her mind though and her emotions never detached. You're a nice guy and bent over backwards for her, especially through his untimely death...but that wasn't your place to be of support IMO...at least not as a "boyfriend", you are a lover at best. She was heart-broken and damaged because she's still in love with the guy, and you can provide her no comfort in that...you are just a distraction...but now she has to deal with the overwhelming emotion of losing him once again and now they'll never be back together...no second chances, no restarts in life like moving overseas. At that time you should have realized where her heart really is, It's tragic IF an ex dies but she's showing far too much tender emotion over his passing and neglecting you in the process...I'm not sure why you feel so inclined to be there for her and supportive while she delves into her emotions of her ex...if I were you I'd have read the writing on the wall and walked away without much of a word, just hoping she could deal with it...i wouldn't be mad but her actions speak loud enough and there was no place for me in that picture. She still wants you around because you are the back-up guy, you're the guy who loved her the way she wishes her ex did. But don't let her use you as second best, you're a nice enough guy unfortunately to take that...It's unfortunate the women don't come after guys like you and instead prefer the jerks. But that is the way it is or works out...plus you can't erase history, the ex could be the biggest douchebag on the planet and If she was with him X amount of time there's nothing you can do to erase that, she'll still be all in love with him especially IF she feels that was a significant love...unfortunately you can't drown someone else out of their old feelings IF that's what you're thinking, that person has to get over it or they're just stuck in a time capsule basically. I'm sorry to say but you're living out a fantasy, the reality dictates differently than what you believe I'm sad to say...she's still in love with this old ex and now that he's dead she's got all the more reason to relapse into a depressive state and mourn him. There's nothing you can do about it, you're not that guy and she doesn't need your support, she needs time to heal. You didn't ruin your relationship, you just found out who she feels more strongly about....you've only known her 10 months, I can assure you there is a lot about her you do not know, regardless of that fact you think you are perfect together, you're sucked into the honeymoon phase so deep you can't see what's actually going on around you. Women don't ask for breaks Beatbox, when they're in love with you.
justwhoiam Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) Hi Beatbox, I read everything you wrote. While reading, I knew I could comment on a few things. I read the first few lines of the other reply, but preferred not to go on with it, because it seemed not to be in line with my thoughts right now, and I don't want it to affect my answer. I don't know if after your last talk, you went no contact with her or are still trying to get her to talk to you. After that death, the image of this guy changed, in her eyes. When people die, it's not that they immediately turn into better persons, rather people mourning them try to find what was good about them. Also, here there was an "if" element, and that was what if she was still with him. You can't take that thought away from her head easily. It's just normal. Your behavior was fair and above-average nice. When things started getting weird, like she was having a fixation, you made yourself heard, and that was right too. Just the only thing you should have done differently is you should have let a third party in, someone who was neuter between the two of you. You need to understand that if you say anything about it (her approach to his death), you're coming across as insensitive, or jealous when you shouldn't be, etc. While a third party, like a counsellor, would have been neuter, could have made her think about what she was doing, what this all was leading too, she was harming herself, the guilty effect, etc. This is still possible, you can let in a third party, but I understand it's not very feasible for you, as you're LD, so you can't take her to any counsellor and be there to hear what she/he has to say. Maybe though, as you meet up soon, you can schedule something for when you meet. Like a couple of appointments. Now a series of suggestions from me: 1. give her space, don't contact her if not once a week to know how she is 2. let her know the only thing you care is her well-being & health, nothing else 3. tell her, next time you talk to her, you have some genuine questions to ask, as you've been thinking a lot lately and you would really like to know a few things and then start asking away, very quietly: "what would you feel like if I died tomorrow?", "Would you think it'd make you feel any different than how you feel now?", "Do you think you could ever think we could have made things differently?", "Do you think you might regret, one day, breaking up with me?" 4. see what she says, that will tell you a lot 5. If she loves you, she will start having doubts, second thoughts, mixed feelings, etc. Edited October 14, 2012 by justwhoiam
Author Beatbox120 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Guys, I've read the two above replies. I guess both of you are right in what you say. But it's just two different ways of looking at the same situation. Despite our break status she keeps writing me messages, I guess this could be guilt on her part or she is trying to keep our relationship half alive. I make sure she is the one to send the first message. She's telling me she has bought me presents etc, and she is going to cook this meal for me when we meet. She has made it clear she doesn't want to break up properly. She just needs time to grieve and sort her head out because she isn't able to give her all to our relationship at the moment. And she doesn't want to hurt me or let me down if she tried right now. Anyway, I guess all I can do is give her time and space. I've been trying to force fixing things recently and it hasn't worked at all. You could say she's being selfish and unfair to me, but I guess life is not straight forward.
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