I don't want a divorce & I don't think he knows what he's doing

[BrittBritt88]

My husband is in the military. Of our whole year long marriage we've been together for 3 weeks of it. It's been tough not living our lives together but trying to keep this marriage alive online and through the phone. When he came home 4 months ago we were blissful and happy. He begged me to get pregnant and I stopped my birth control. After he was done his MOS school we were supposed to finally have all our hard work pay off and move out of state together. (He comes home Monday.)

We've both threatened divorce in the past but never looked into it or meant it fully. Now he's about to come home Monday and 5 days ago after a bad fight because I told him I'd stay here in Maryland if he didn't want me to move in with him (due to how he was acting and telling me he's just moving in with me for the baby) he said he was divorcing me. I couldn't believe it. He says this past four months has been hard and he doesn't want to be married anymore.

I think he's scared because everything we worked for is about to come true and we were both overly anxious.

This pregnancy has been rough on me and he says he's felt neglected because I'm always sick and he feels I've pushed him too far away.

 

I asked him to come home and we could sit down and really discuss this divorce.We haven't seen each other in 4 months and everything happened to us at once while he was gone. I still love him and he says he still loves me but is not 'in love' and more than that is just tired of being married. I think our connection ran dry while he was gone and all of these complications with the baby. I know if we sat down and talked about things they'd get sorted out and we'd be okay but he claims he doesn't want to sit down and talk when he gets here he just wants to go file the papers. In our state we have to wait a YEAR to divorce anyway!

I think it's because he wants me to see just how serious he is. However for how serious he is, he doesn't know the first thing about a divorce. He doesn't know anything other than he will get his 'freedom' back.

I told him it would be expensive and that it's not right for the child to have to suffer through this!

Right now he's got a one track mind to divorce. But what gets me is that he contacts me all hours of the day and night to talk about stupid things (he looks for excuses to talk to me) and he only does it when he feels me pulling away and gaining independence. One night he even called me while drunk and said he wanted this all to go away and for us to just have make up sex. Then the next day he canceled my debit card! It's just a mind game he's playing and I see how serious he is but it's all so stupid!

I tried to save my marriage over the phone and by text messaging to no avail. If I start making too much sense or agreeing with him on issues we need to fix, he'll completely make up something and throw it in there like he's actually trying not to get along with me. If it wasn't for him constantly contacting me I'd have no hope and think it was really over and try to move on. BUT he is coming HERE Monday!

He says he 'has' to come get his stuff (one bag of old clothes.)

Moreover it'll be 10:30pm at night when he comes to get it. He just can't wait til the next day? I think he really wants to see me. I don't know why he does because when I ask him he says 'I need you to be there in case I have any questions or can't find something.'

But I've told him repeatedly that all he has here is a bag of clothes and that's it so I could just leave the house and let him do what he has to do. However he said I have to be there.

Is it possible that he wants to hurt me? Or is it that he wants to see me one last time before he files the papers or something?

If there was any chance of us making up and making all this ridiculous stuff go away I would try it ,but I've tried everything, YES everything short of talking to him in person which he says he doesn't want (yet he wants to 'see' me so bad right when he gets off the plane!?)

I'm so confused as to what I'm supposed to do. Should I sit there and wait at the house for him like he wants? Then how do I act when he comes in?

Or should I not give him what he wants and just leave the door unlocked and not be there when he comes?

He won't destroy anything in the house if I'm not there. I think there's a chance it might finally all hit him that he's leaving me and our baby and that it's real. He's supposed to be staying with his sister during the week he is in Maryland and so he'll be right up the street. It will be hard for me to know he's so close and yet there's nothing I can do about it. But I think that he will feel the same way because he's an emotional guy and staying with his sister who has a family and kids of her own will probably make him see that family life is ok and that everything is not scary and overwhelming.

I guess I'm wondering what will happen!!!!!??? I know he will probably simply walk in here, get his stuff and go to his sisters, but why in the world would he have to get here at 10:30pm instead of just coming the next day? why does he have to do this!?

I know that nobody can give me answers about what he's going to do but I still need answers about what I should do. Like I said my position is that I would really, really like to sit down and talk. Honestly I'm not going to accept him back into my life without a talk and without sorting these issues I'm not just desperate to have him in my life...I'm just thinking of the distance and how hard it was once I got pregnant and that maybe being in the same state might change things a little, no a lot, because I mean we haven't even seen each other in 4 months and I don't honestly see how he can walk away from this like that...it's just not who he is or how he was. He's never seen my belly and it's growing so big I don't see how he can see that for the first time and still not even talk to me about saving our marriage or at least considering it.

 

Thanks for listening to my story and any advice would be helpful and appreciated very much

I really need to know what I should do from here because at this point I'm totally out of my element. I'm prepared for him to leave but if there's a chance of even just talking and postponing the divorce until we spend one on one time together then I'd really feel more comfortable divorcing after that was tried. Like I said on the phone he claims he doesn't want to, however I can't tell if he's trying to teach me a lesson or if he's playing things by ear and if he is then I want to do the right things to at least go down with my dignity intact.

[riverratt]

What kind of lesson do you think he is trying to teach you?

[BrittBritt88]

Maybe he's trying to teach me not to take him for granted. I have no idea unless he wants to come here and kill me I can't think of any other reason he'd want to come here..

[riverratt]

By your story I wouldn't want him around anymore. You may not want to hear that but he doesn't sound like a person with any sense of direction to me.

[Gunny376]

It sounds as though he's active duty military. Matters not the branch, by DOD (Department of Defense) order military dependents are entitled up to 80 % of the service members Basic Pay. And that's without even getting a lawyer, going to divorce court, or having court ordered papers. Usually all you would have to do is provide his Command / Commanding Officer a certrified copies of your marriage certificate. From what you've described he's not even gotten you your military dependent ID card which entitles you to a pletoria of benefits as his militry dependent. Commissary (Grocery Store on base. Name brand groceries 30% cheaper than you can buy off base + no sales tax ~ althrough theire is a 3 to 5 % surcharge used to cover operatonal costs) PX priviledges,

 

MWR priviledges, (libarary, free gym {There's nothing out in town that compares to the gym on base}, horse riding stables where available, free golf courses, in door and outdoor swimming pools etc. SIDEBAR ~ Most of these thing that are on base and provided while a lot of them are provided at taxpayers expense a lot of it comes from the fines, pay suspensions paid by service members when they get in trouble with the military, court martialed through the Uniform Code of Military Justice ~ not the tax payer.

 

One of the biggest is the medical through the military. This alone is reason for you to hold out on the divorce. In most case you can use the same doctors you're seening right now. You would just use the military medical insurance system alone.

 

If your getting 80% of his base pay then they will slow him down and take the air out of sails considerably ~ as they will leave him enough to live in the BEQ (Bachelor's Enlisted Quarters, eat in the chow hall and not much else. But the militry doesn't want to hear any nor have any bad press about its service memebers NOT supporting their dependents. The military doesn't recognize legal seperation of ANY kind! Either your married or not! Just that plain and simple.

 

Were it me? I'd drop his things off at his sister's place and go about my merry little business, go serious no contact, ~ go silent and deep. In so far as he's concerned you just fell off the face of the Earth.

 

More than likely what has happened is he's gotten out into the "Real" military (And he sounds as though he may be in the Marines) and gotten around all of his single buddies. If he's new to the military and is on the lower end of the food chain ~ he's not going to have a lot of shinning marriage type examples to follow?

 

I would serously doubt that there's another woman ~ unless he's just a natural PUA (Pick Up Artist) even then it can be difficult as women around military bases have heard it all before. And if they haven't? Their friends have. Many of them have been used and abused and are all too aware of being "Duty Station Azz" ~ someone you date, live with ~ go with until your next set of orders comes in.

 

Of course there are women in the miltary, but in some cases they're part of the competion is getting with other women. A shinning example would be Camp Hansen, Okinawa Japan. There are about 5,000+ male Marines and a handfull of sailors (Medical Corpsman) there. And about 250 American military women. Most of these already have BF and husbands, families etc. Some of them are off limits because of their ranks and harsh rules and regulations about fratization between certain ranks. (A Lt can't date a PFC for example.)

 

I would suggest you initiate the 180's and NC. Let him stew in his own juices so to speak.