ladue Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 My husband just recently admitted that he has been having sex with men since HS, he is 38. He told me that he has not been with a man since we met and married two yrs ago but he has been having desires and just the other day, i know that he was with a man and he told me and he said it was great and wants to do it again. I told him that it was ok as long as he used protection and was always honest with me. He claims to still love me and desire me but he likes to be with men. I am oking with his sexuality but somehow i feel as if i am cheating myself out of a real marriage by him having sex with others. I perceive that as cheating in some way. I am confused on how to approach this and we have talked and i do love him and dont want to deny him his pleasures because eventually he will resent me for it. Right? But then what about me? Some advice please! Thanks
Debster Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Wow, you are handling this way better than I would. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you besides do what makes you feel comfortable and happy. If you think you can really handle this and be happy, then all the power to you.
sami Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 If he will continue to do that , he will eventually leave you for them. Homsexuality is a type of addiction. He either has to control his desires or else he will be controlled. He will be completely into it with nothing left for you. It is your decision to make.
kizmet74 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Okay, what's the difference between cheating on your spouse with someone of the same sex or someone of the opposite sex????
sinner Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Believe it or not, some of the strongest critics of heterosexual cheating on these Boards turn a blind eye to Gay infidelity.So if the OW is an OM it's fine with these "Ethicists" for the MM to cavort with the OM. One would think that the gender of the "Other" would be a distinction without a difference, but for some of the more notorious OW or OM bashers on these Boards that's not the case. Curious moral reasoning...
Wellnowuknow Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 It's very true. It's an addiction that will eventually break up the marriage.In time he will probably leave you for them. But you already messed up by saying its ok and if you take it back now he will resent you. I think you both need to go to couseling in order to talk about his problem and see what you can do now in order to make this marriage work.
Debster Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Believe it or not, some of the strongest critics of heterosexual cheating on these Boards turn a blind eye to Gay infidelity.So if the OW is an OM it's fine with these "Ethicists" for the MM to cavort with the OM. One would think that the gender of the "Other" would be a distinction without a difference, but for some of the more notorious OW or OM bashers on these Boards that's not the case. Curious moral reasoning... I don't understand how sinner can classify this as 'curious moral reasoning'. It is not about if the OW is an OM, or if it involves hetero or homosexuality. It is whether or not she considers it cheating. Based on her calm way of posting and saying she knows about it and is ok with it - I wouldn't consider it cheating or infidelity. It is more like an 'open' marriage rather than cheating.
sinner Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I wasn't referring to you, Debster, or this particular thread. I know that in earlier threads, with none of this thread's curious consent issues, a moral distinction was drawn based on the gender of the MM's "Other." I'm sorry. I should have been more clear.
Debster Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 sinner, no problem. I saw your post and another one in this thread bringing up how is it cheating if it is a woman, but not a man. I just wanted to clarify that to me it doesn't appear to be a cheating issue.
moimeme Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Homsexuality is a type of addiction. No it isn't. And Sinner, the whole concept of 'cheating' that is so repugnant is the betrayal of trust - the lies and deceit. This guy has 'fessed up and is agreeing to let her know what he's up to and when. This isn't 'cheating', it's 'swinging'. It isn't that people go off and have sex that constitutes the cheating; it's that they do so when their spouses believe they are being faithful. Swingers agree to allow their spouses to have sex with others as long as they remain the primary sex partner and as long as the partners don't start also sharing emotional intimacy. I don't believe I've seen you up on your hind legs yowling about swingers and this is just a different version of that. The key is the lack of deceit - if BOTH partners agree to allow this to happen, then there isn't any deceit.
sami Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Infidelity is infidelity. It knows no gender difference.
moodyblues Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I agree that homosexuality is NOT an addiction (good grief!). However, I would suggest maybe seeking out your local GLBT organization (Gay/Lesbian/Bi/ Transgendered) and talking with them. They might be able to hook you up with someone who has been in your situation.
SoleMate Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I can see how the husband having sex with an OM would NOT be perceived as threatening to the wife in the same way that an OW would. If the husband is interested in being married to a woman, an OM cannot be seen as a possible replacement, whereas an OW easily can. If the OM is just a fling or a swing, and the H is committed to his hetero marriage, then I can see how some women could manage to deal with it. Not me, however. I would worry about disease, about his interest in men growing to the point where he loses interest in hetero sex, and about not really having that total 2-person connection of mind and body between husband and wife. I do agree that it is good for the H to have been open about what he is doing. Ladue, you may not like it, but at least now you have an informed choice. Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I am not sure exactly what for - maybe just to understand your husband's desires. It sounds like he is not motivated to give up his interest in and actual relations with men.
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Homosexuality isn't an addiction. It's as normal as heterosexuality is. However, if he's sleeping with other men, he's still cheating on you. I don't care if you know or not; I don't think it can only be termed "cheating" if you don't know. If you want to call it swinging, that's fine. Why get hung up on semantics? However, you basically have two choices, just as anyone whose spouse is cheating or swinging does (and I believe it's still cheating, because you're still cheating monogamy, not that I'm totally against polygamy, either) - you can have the marriage and try to be as happy as you can given the circumstances, or you can leave and find someone who will be faithful to you.
Author ladue Posted August 17, 2004 Author Posted August 17, 2004 Thank you all for your responses. I have taken them all into consideration. I have given it alot of thought and i have actually done research into the bisexual in todays society. He is not alone. I do not agree with his preference only because i do want a committed relationship. I do deserve that much. Anyway when i finally told him that I would not be able to handle an open marriage he cried and said that he loves me and than he said he lied about all of this to enhance our sex live! I dont beleive him and i know that he has had sexual relations w OM. I am hestitant to move forward because i so enjoy my life. I have to admit he works hard and provides well for us. I just cant handle the emotional strain of his sexualiy. I am considering leaving him but i need to carefully keep things in prospective. I am understanding of his bisexuality but i do believe that he wont be able to control the tempation in the future. I do feel differently about him now and its not because he likes to sleep w/man. I can accept homosexuality. Its just not for me. I have allowed him the opportunity of coming clean after he lied about the sexual relations but he still wont admit it and i think its because hes afraid of others finding out if we seperate. I am so confused as to what direction to go in and yes counseling may be the answer for now. I do believe that divore for us is in the future.
RowanRavyn Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Cheating is Cheating. I personally do not understand "swinging" "Polyamourism" or "Open Relationships". ::SHUDDERS:: It doesn' t matter what the OP (other person) is, if you are in a monogmous relationship, and one party wants extracurricular activity its cheating. Like I said, I can't handle that. By the same token: Homosexuality is an addiction? What? I can't believe that was posted. He will eventually leave you for "Them"? God Bless a Moo Cow! ::Left redfaced and speechless::
painter Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 if it makes one person in a relationship uncomfortable then it is not acceptable. as for addictive homosexualty...... go crawl back into the inquisition where you belong! a person leaves a relationship not for "them" but for themselves, without exception. weather out of selfishness or self love or self preservation. the morality of this is based in the happiness of the partners involved in the relationship. if one finds pleasure to the detriment of the others wellbeing....its wrong. simple. "gay" cheating has no part in this except where it is defined in the mind of the person who is betrayed. if it dosent feel like betrayal it isnt, if it does, it is. the guy does seem to have a nasty habit of playing with the truth though, first he has, then he hasnt and was lying er.....is it just me or is the act of lying about an affair to "spice up" a marriage sound like a betrayal to others here too? if the first scenario upset her then it was wrong. if that was the truth then he is lying now about not having done it and is still betraying her. what a mire this poor guy has got himself into! he shouldnt have shagged anyone else without first consulting his partner in the marriage. to see if she did or did not consider it to be cheating. never look outside of the marriage to define your moral standards. if you do, don't bother getting married in the first place.
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