coping; i'm doing it wrong

[blues rick]

I've been doing a lot of reading about what not to do when someone is dumped. Well i have been dumped and i am doing the NC-thing, but i'm doing it wrong.

I'm doing it because i want her back. But i know she's happy now. She is not coming back. She already replaced me. I'm not texting her or go to her house.

BUT i'm(shame) on her facebook 24/7 for the last month. The sick thing is; i'm not a facebook friend of her, so i don't get a lot of info doing this the whole time. I never felt this bad in my life.Well yes , it was ten years ago, when i was dumped by my former ex and it took me 9 years to cope with that. Meeting my new ex made me finally forget my first real long relationship. But now i am suffering again like i have been doing al those years. I am scared for the future. Feel so much shame. I'm 41, i don't think i will ever be a father and have my own family. I lost my job, moved back to my parents house. And all i do is facebook stalking. I don't know what i want to say with what i just wrote. Well yes i do. Don't do what i've been doing.

[River Rain]

You haven't gone no contact since you're "stalking" her on facebook, as you put it. You have to go cold turkey. Don't let her ruin the next 9 years of your life. Have more respect for yourself and do everything in your power to meet new people and move on, despite the heartache. Life is too short to waste like this my friend.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Wow powerful stuff, you're 41 so this info will not be a news flash to you. You feel this way this way because of YOU and not her. You choose to feel this way, she can't influence you if you CHOOSE to not let her. Again you know all of this and it doesn't look like you are looking for advice, you seem defeated, ALL OF US CARE!!!

 

Here is some advice anyway: throw your computer out!!! Don't just delete Facebook but toss your computer out. Moving forward is going to take A LOT of work on your end, which means you can't just sit there on your computer. Your main goal (after your grieving process) should be to stay out of your house as much as possible. I know money is tight but go for a walk, cut the grass, shovel the snow, rake leaves, volunteer. You aren't going to want to but you need to remain positive and just keep moving forward. Get it in your head now, this will not be easy!

 

I'm not going to say you'll meet "the one" have babies and live happily ever after, that would be unfair. All I can say is if that day does present itself you need to put yourself in a better place than you are now.

 

FYI Facebook contact IS CONTACT!!

[River Rain]

Agreed, GET OFF FACEBOOK!!!

[blues rick]

You people are right. I'm not even a real facebooker. I don't even have facebook friends. I don't understand why people have/use facebook in the first place Well everybody has facebook, but i never did, i just did to spy on her, and the only thing it will get me are bad feelings.

This is the first time in my life i admit being effected by losing someone i love. This is my breaking point. It feels weird talking about myself and the problems i'm having. And i'am using my computer to do it. I am trying to do things i have been reading here. I even went to the gym. But you know it's too much of a jersey shoriss world for me. Its hard to connect with people. But for me it's awesome you replied to my little story. I want to thank you very much for doing so.

[NavyAirTraffic]

FORGET OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT NOW!!!!

 

YOU are the only one that matters. Just try this technique for the next week. It'll sound stupid but notice how differently you feel.

 

For the next week be as selfish as you can be. Nobody exists in your world except you. When you talk only talk about what you want to talk about, don't hold doors for people, if you want to do something do it. With every decision, everytime you open your mouth, think to yourself "what do I want to do" "what do I want to talk about". So on and do forth. Take this to the extreme for the first week. After that you can adjust but you need to start worrying about YOU!!

 

YOU live your life not those jersey shore a&&holes at the gym, not your ex, YOU. Start making yourself the center of the universe. How far has trying to make other people happy gotten you?!?

[blues rick]

Thank you. This is exactly what i'm going to do. I am going to unplug my computer and i'm going on a holiday for a week. If i still feel this bad next week i'm going to see a therapist. I hope i didn't insult people who love facebook and jersey shore. I'm still living in the sixties.

Thank you River and Navy!

[CopingGal]

I actually feel that as long as you don't try to communicate with her in any way, you are still in NC. That is my opinion. However, I still feel it is bad for you to look at her facebook page. Get off of facebook. Get off of any social network she is on.

 

Listen, you are a MAN. That means you can have kids at any age. You don't need to be married or even be in a relationship to have kids. Plus, there is foster parenting and adoption once you get your life together.

 

Taking 9 years to get over a relationship is extreme and I think you should see a therapist. What did you do in those 9 years? Did you throw yourself into making your life better without a woman? Did you do extraordinary thing? Did you try to change the world in any way? Did you try to make the world better? Did you focus hard on bettering yourself? Or did you just mope? Think about it. Coping doesn't mean suffering until someone else comes along. Coping means "rolling up your sleeves" and getting out there and making your life better without someone. You want to be a father so, consider doing things to help children. There's a ton of things you can do. You can use your computer for good instead of a tool to keep track of your ex. Explore free classes and tutorials that you can do. Create a website that talks about what makes a good father in your opinion. Have some links to sources that talk about good parenting.

 

Give yourself time to cry...to grieve...but in a few weeks try taking baby steps to open yourself up to the world. In time, consider some more options:

 

 

Doing volunteer work from your home:

• running an information line
  
• helping people who just adopted cats by checking in with them and giving them information
  
• calling parents who lost a child due to a drunk driver
  
• become a foster parent to a dog or cat until a home can be found
  
• doing research on the web for people in 3rd World countries who are trying to establish clinics and need funding resources
  
• tutoring kids over the web via video conferencing or email.
  
• so much more
  

Volunteering in person:

• spending time with senior citizens
  
• reading to people who are hospitalized
  
• taking dogs who live at a shelter for walks (hopefully it's a no-kill shelter)
  
• do office work for an organization that helps people
  
• and much, much more.
  

You can turn your coping period into the best period of your life. After my relationship ended and I cried and cried and cried, I picked myself up and started doing volunteer work on the web and in person. I tutored children. I taught developmentally disabled adults. I redid my website. Then I went back to school. I'm still in school. I haven't dated in over a year. I'm trying to make my life better.

 

Good luck.

Edited October 14, 2012 by CopingGal

[blues rick]

Thank you very much CopingGal for all your words. I have been on a holiday in capitol Paris to get my mind of the ex, but i've had a hard time coping. But have had no contact in the true sense. But a couple of minutes ago i got a text from my ex; "Don't want to text you but yesterday was my birthday and you didn't wish me a happy birthday and i don't like that".

Getting a text like this confuses me. I don't know what to do. I feel so bad.

[River Rain]

"Don't want to text you.." but she did anyway. Change your phone number. She's trying to engage you in some kind of fight, ignore her.

[PYTpisces]

I think that was mean of your ex. did you respond?? I like everyones post on here but i want to emphasize seeing a therapist. If focusing on yourself is the primary issue, and if it seems like a more difficuly task than usual, i think it could be because there are some serious underlying issues that you need to address (or dig up) first. Perhaps you need some new healthy tools to do this. In my opinion age has very little to do with how a person feels or has developed emotionally and socially. A therapist can help you sort through some things that you may have been burying for a long time. Keep in mind that not all therapists will be a perfect match. So, I say start your self-love journey off by searching for a therapist who you can see yourself working with for an extended period of time. Keyword here is JOURNEY! so, the first step in your self-love process will be finding he tools you need at your own pace. You've spent many years kicking yourself down over and over again. That is a learned behavior that cannot be overcome overnight. Be proud of yourself for recognizing that a change is necesssary now. If you stumble along the way, don't beat yourself up. Keep going and remember that every day that you treat yourself with kindness is a victory. Be blessed!!

[blues rick]

Yes, i know it's time for me to go in therapy. I made the appointment.

Her texting me makes me hoping instead of coping. I don't understand why she's texting me. Maybe she wants to hurt me. I mean there's someone new in her life. I didn't respond to her text. Does someone reading this have a clue why she texted me?

[PYTpisces]

Only reason I can think of is that she is human and a part of her, like you, is stil attached. She is probably seeking validation or some other type of fulfillment that we will never fully understand. Whatever the reason though, it's selfish and counterproductive on your behalf for moving fwd. hats off to you for sticking to no contact! I sure would have caved. Stay strong and keep moving fwd on this new path! H

[blues rick]

Thank you PYT,

But i have to admit something. I'm one of those people who used no contact as a strategy for getting missed and showing i can life without her, getting more interesting. So in that way it feels like no contact is working. If i'm honest i want her back. Maybe if she wrote me and asked me to visit her i would. Also, i didn't like her text but it feels like winning something. But i know i won't win her back.

[River Rain]

Thank you PYT,

But i have to admit something. I'm one of those people who used no contact as a strategy for getting missed and showing i can life without her, getting more interesting. So in that way it feels like no contact is working. If i'm honest i want her back. Maybe if she wrote me and asked me to visit her i would. Also, i didn't like her text but it feels like winning something. But i know i won't win her back.

 

I have to ask you honestly, do you really think you can trick a person into winning them back?

[PYTpisces]

I think many People use no contact for this reason and don't want to admit it. It's nice to get that validation, but I think most of us have learned that the high that comes from it is short-lived. Unless she's had a damascus road experience and magically became the woman u deserve, ultimately the reasons the relationship broke are still present. I've learned the hard way many a times that a good relationship needs to have two WHOLE people with both feet in. I'm happy that you are working on the 'getting whole' part. As you do that you will be opening the door for a better relationship than you've ever had thus far

[blues rick]

Thank you PYTpisces,

It's so weird. Not that i have a choice but I don't want a woman back in my life that dumped me and has a new guy within a couple of weeks. But, i want her. Now this is messed up. I feel addicted.

[blues rick]

Hi River,

No, and it doesn't feel good. I don't want to use a trick for her to love me.

I've watched a couple of clips on youtube with titles like 'get your ex back' do this and that.

It's really bad. Just marketing and making money of people with a broken heart.

[River Rain]

Hi River,

No, and it doesn't feel good. I don't want to use a trick for her to love me.

I've watched a couple of clips on youtube with titles like 'get your ex back' do this and that.

It's really bad. Just marketing and making money of people with a broken heart.

 

I'm constantly amazed by that game playing. I know you already feel bad, but at least you acknowledge it's not a good way to act. As someone who was played that way, I can tell you that the constant cat and mouse game causes anxiety and insecurity...then ultimately resentment and anger.

 

My ex did this to me 3 times (and I was stupid enough to fall for it). The first time, it was awesome, we were back together and stronger...then the silent treatment. I got anxious and desperate, not knowing what I did wrong, he came back and I felt relieved. Third time I was full blown insecure about myself because I figured I was the cause of all this, then he dumped me. It really messed with my emotions and my confidence. I'm sensitive to begin with, and I admit I should have been stronger, but I wasn't and it hurt me a lot. In the end, I actually hated him and still want nothing ever to do with him.

[PYTpisces]

Addicted is a good way to put it. It makes me sad that youre doing this to yourself, because I do it to myself all the time. I go through spurts where i'm strong and i stick to my guns, then i become weak and start self-sabotaging again by checking his tweets, and reading blogs about "why men disappear" " 10 ugly mistakes women make that scare men away" ... all things that do no good for the self-esteem. Watching videos like that on youtube will never help. There is no such thing as one video, or one blog site that will be able to speak for the millions of individuals in the world. All they do is categorize behaviors/patterns etc etc into boxes that will never validate the individual. If you follow their advice to the T and your situation doesnt come to fruition in the way you hoped/expected, you then realize you've wasted so much emotional energy... in turn ruining your self-esteem. It's so draining. The fact of the matter is, she's not worth that much energy from you. Have you ever started a list of reasons for why you DONT want her? Number 1 on there should be that she's selfishly seeking attention when she's the one that hurt you. That's poor character. No amount of good-looks, charm, good sex etc can erase poor character. Thats unfortunate for her not you

[PYTpisces]

@river rain I love that last post!! almost felt like you stole something out of my diary!

[River Rain]

@river rain I love that last post!! almost felt like you stole something out of my diary!

 

It's a shame it's such a common occurrence though!

[blues rick]

Thanks girls,

Well yes the first thing i thought when i read her text was; wow she's selfish. I have mixed emotions, part of me wants to text her back using the words F%#@ Y*^you selfish M%$%^, but that's contacting her.

It bothers me she doesn't ask me how i'm doing.

And the break up speech she gave me, i want to be alone blablabla

And now there's the other guy.

somehow i can't be angry for a long time.

It's ' ihate you and i love you in a battle; the 'i love you still wins'.

But omg she really is a selfish basterd, i was doubting this at first.

[PYTpisces]

This is a scary thought that I'm going to put on the table, but I think your heart can lie to you. Your clearly in pain, or at least you were, or you weave in and out of pain. Fact of the matter is I think you remember loving her and youre still holding onto that positive attachment. I always say on this website that pain isn't love it's pain, so it's not love that's winning right now, it might be your tight grip on hope. You don't have to get rid of this hope. It's what makes you a beautiful person from the inside out... She doesn't deserve e this hope from you though. Have hope and believe that you can meet someone far better!

[blues rick]

Thanks PYT,

I am going to start a new thread. Something happened today.