thembones Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Together almost 3 years, lived together for 1. She broke up with me 2 and a half months ago, NC for over a month. A friend (and his gf) saw her a couple days ago and my ex and his gf talked for a little while about their new house, etc. Then she asked my friend how I was doing. He told her I was doing well - busy with work, working-out, and school. She told him she missed me and he said I missed her as well. They talked for a little more and she again asked if I was doing okay. She said that she had been meaning to call me but it was too hard. Then she brought up the fact that she waited as long as she could for me to ask her to marry her, but it was too late (I had a ring and was waiting until the fall). He told her that I was going to do it very soon and just was waiting for the perfect time. She said it was just too late. She then got teary-eyed and had to walk away. My friend did not call me to tell me about this, but I actually called him that night on my way home from work and he told me. He said it seemed like breaking up was not really what she wanted to do. He thinks that she thought it would be different; that we would still keep contact or be friends and she is realizing that just is not happening right now. I don't know if this means anything. I really don't know what to think. SHE is the one who wanted to leave me and made it clear that it was what she wanted to do. I guess I was glad to hear that she might actually be thinking about me while trying to get some sleep, rather than it being me all the time. I may have been happier thinking she still did not care, but I don't know. I guess I am asking for some insight, maybe from past experience. I am not dwelling on it. I am moving on, but I keep getting these huge hurdles in my path that do not make things easier. Thank you.
Balzac Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 How might you have felt if she had issued an ultimatum in the form of a deadline? Not sure how I'd feel about a buddy speaking for me. That's a near friendship deal breaker in my world. What's to understand? It's over. Unless she had communicated to you that her clock for waiting was winding down, she was not the right woman.
dreamstate83 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 She knows how to reach you if she really wants to. The fact that she got teary eyed while talking to your friend tells me that she's still not emotionally accepted the ramifications of her decision. I know it's popular around here to believe that our exes are completely done with us and have no emotional attachment, but at least in my experience it's rarely been the case. The good ones who break it off for reasons other than love (such as they believe that it's just not a good match) still go through their own grieving process. The best thing I can say to do in this situation is to continue living your life. Take some comfort in the fact that she clearly still had a heart, but understand that if she wanted you back she would ask you. There wouldn't be any thoughts of "too late". There wouldn't be any confusion. Keep walking forward, friend.
Balzac Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Get rid of the ring. Sell it or get a refund. Move on.
Author thembones Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 The ring is gone. She told me that she wanted to be engaged many times, and signs let me to believe I had a few more months to propose. I simply took too long. End of story there. As for the ultimatum, she said "you knew what was going to happen if we weren't engaged. (after she left me)" No. If I had, I would have done it. I do know that I did wait too long and just messed up. As for my friend speaking for me, it is far from ideal. He may have made it look like I told him what to say, but I know he meant well. I think he just got defensive of me when she said it took too long. And when he got in the car with his gf, she was pissed at him for talking about things. He is a very good friend though and we have been through a lot. I do take solace in the fact that she does still have feelings for me and maybe she is starting to understand what she lost. I guess I am glad that I am not the only one having a hard time. I do think that she is trying to place 100% of the blame on me, but she will realize that it was not all my fault. I am continuing to live my life and am doing very well. There is a piece of me missing, and I do not like sleeping alone. Time will heal my wounds, but I just have to take it one day at a time as it is always getting easier.
KatZee Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 The ring is gone. She told me that she wanted to be engaged many times, and signs let me to believe I had a few more months to propose. I simply took too long. End of story there. As for the ultimatum, she said "you knew what was going to happen if we weren't engaged. (after she left me)" No. If I had, I would have done it. I do know that I did wait too long and just messed up. First of all, I don't like this. Who does she think she is basically threatening you like this? I think any *sane* individual knows that if you make ultimatums and basically force a guy into an engagement, it's the fastest way to lose him. What did she think was going to happen? She'd scare you into the engagement? The way she said it reeks with an air of authority. "You knew what was going to happen..." OK excuse me? I don't like that. It's manipulation and forceful behavior. I personally think she pulled the trigger to stand behind her little game, and now you're not chasing after her, banging down her door trying to get her back and she's realizing the consequences of her choices. I don't think YOU messed up. I think SHE messed up. Big time. It's not like you sat around for 15 years. Three years of dating is well within normal range of dating before engagement, in all actuality, it's perfect. 2
Author thembones Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 First of all, I don't like this. Who does she think she is basically threatening you like this? I think any *sane* individual knows that if you make ultimatums and basically force a guy into an engagement, it's the fastest way to lose him. What did she think was going to happen? She'd scare you into the engagement? The way she said it reeks with an air of authority. "You knew what was going to happen..." OK excuse me? I don't like that. It's manipulation and forceful behavior. I personally think she pulled the trigger to stand behind her little game, and now you're not chasing after her, banging down her door trying to get her back and she's realizing the consequences of her choices. I don't think YOU messed up. I think SHE messed up. Big time. It's not like you sat around for 15 years. Three years of dating is well within normal range of dating before engagement, in all actuality, it's perfect. Thanks a lot for your post, I can tell it was well thought out. I guess she did think she was going to scare me into engagement. Being completely honest, if she did not bring it up, it probably would have happened a lot sooner! I really love your perspective! I told her that I cannot be forced into doing it by her, but she tried. She is only 23 and I am 29, and I think she just wanted to be engaged as a status or something. 3 years was well within my timeframe. We lived together for one year. I thought you live together for 1 year, see how it is going to work, then plan for the future. She was just too impatient if you ask me. I also think that since I am not chasing her down, she is starting to figure how royally she messed up. Thanks again, it was a nice outlook!
Author thembones Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I wanted more than anything to marry her. I do not know what I want anymore, as she is a different person that who I loved. I would consider giving it another chance, but I would have no idea about how to do it. When she has made up her mind on something, it is done. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, but I don't want to miss out on something that could have been.
Svet74 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 words are just words. the problem is. she is doing nothing about it. not calling you, not asking u back? sounds like her pride is holding her back, dont think about this and dont wait for her, just move on. I was in a very similar situation where my ex told a family member that he wanted to be with me but that he needed to change first. long story short. he did end up contacting me but he didnt ask me back. it was small talk. a lil bit of flirting then i find out he has a girlfriend, whom he is planning on marrying in the spring. i was like is he serious right now,, and i waited 3 months after what he said about me for him to come back, got my hopes up and everything. currently i dont believe him and the girlfriend are longer together. His life is basically a repeat. he did the same with me. a bunch of broken promises throughout the whole relationship
flitzanu Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 just because she's concerned about you "being ok" doesn't mean she wants to be with you. it simply means she has human instinctual compassion for you to be ok. she could fix it, but she isn't, and if she wanted to be with you, she can find and tell you.
Author thembones Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 just because she's concerned about you "being ok" doesn't mean she wants to be with you. it simply means she has human instinctual compassion for you to be ok. she could fix it, but she isn't, and if she wanted to be with you, she can find and tell you. I know but I cannot trick my brain. Ever since I heard this information, I have been wondering if she really does miss me. Does she really want to know how I am? Does she still care for me? I am not saying it means anything more than face value, but since then I went to a friends' wedding and celebrated my sister's wedding anniversary. So this weekend was great and a lot of fun, but it had some downside too. I've been wondering if she will really try to contact me and maybe she might be having second thoughts. I know she is happy with her life, which is why I am leaving her alone. I am not planning on using NC to get her back, but as a way to move on because it would be much harder getting rejected. I just want to feel loved and wanted again.
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