Light Dating?

[Got it]

Why are some of you speaking about AR as if she wasn't here answering posts? It is like speaking about someone in the room right in front of them. That is odd and impolite.

 

AR, light dating would be dating so there was emotional space. I thnk that is hard. I couldn't do it so I kept only loosely in touch until separation. I did not wait for divorce partly because of the length of time necessarily in my state. It is a case by case basis and you know yourself best and what is best for you.

 

I would consider his therapist's advice and consider it. I understand the feeling that time is slipping by but it isn't moving that fast. Take a breath and consider what is truly best for you. What will be will be.

[woinlove]

Why are some of you speaking about AR as if she wasn't here answering posts? It is like speaking about someone in the room right in front of them. That is odd and impolite.

 

AR said she was sad for someone who never had unattached sex and so that shifted some of the discussion onto another poster/topic and trying to understand why AR would feel sad for someone who has only chosen sex when there is an emotional connection to the person.

[whichwayisup]

I obviously don't think that I've been lied to for 8 years, consistently by everyone involved in an effort to pull the wool over my eyes so that exMM could get some strange.

 

No he may not have 'lied' to you like he lied to his wife, but he certainly bounced back and forth, putting you through pain and heartache. For so many years he couldn't commit either way - A sitting duck waiting.. Until exOOW blew it all out of the water, then the truth came out.

 

The guy is passive and during those 8 years of lying , deceiving, manipulating,etc etc, he DOES need to be 'alone' to work on himself. As I've mentioned before, ridding of the 'affair dynamic' has to end - Even more so for him because he's picked up some not so nice habits along the way and he has to rid of them, work on himself and become a better more honest person. You can believe he never ever lied or omitted truths to you all you want - Just keep in mind that he continually LIED to the woman he married, the woman who carried his child for 9 months. What makes you more special than her that he would never ever lie to you or omit truths to suit him best? Give that some thought.

[AnotherRound]

Why are some of you speaking about AR as if she wasn't here answering posts? It is like speaking about someone in the room right in front of them. That is odd and impolite.

 

AR, light dating would be dating so there was emotional space. I thnk that is hard. I couldn't do it so I kept only loosely in touch until separation. I did not wait for divorce partly because of the length of time necessarily in my state. It is a case by case basis and you know yourself best and what is best for you.

 

I would consider his therapist's advice and consider it. I understand the feeling that time is slipping by but it isn't moving that fast. Take a breath and consider what is truly best for you. What will be will be.

 

Thanks Gotit - I'm not the one that feels time is slipping away, he is. He is a bit older than me, and is feeling as if he has wasted a lot of years already - and is going back and forth between "let's go all in" and "my therapist thinks I need time". I am pretty steady, and have set very clear boundaries for him. I have explained very concisely what a "relationship" with me would entail - and he's unsure if he could provide that to me right now.

 

No, I don't want to marry him, move in with him, or have kids with him - but I do have some boundaries that he is afraid that he couldn't meet properly right now. So, we agreed that we should both just continue on our paths - I am dating, he is working through his divorce. I know that he is nervous that I will meet someone and form a relationship, and he will miss his chance - but he also isn't selfish enough to ask me to wait for him to sort his stuff out. It might be different if we had been active in the affair up until the divorce and hadn't had the year and a half apart like we did.

 

I agree, I don't think I can do "light dating" with him. I can with other guys that I don't know that well - that's kind of natural in the beginning. But with him, it would be too difficult bc I can't pretend that I don't have an emotional connection with him, or downplay the one we do have together. And, it would be difficult to keep that "in check" so to speak - bc it isn't something we can control really.

 

So, for now - onwards with what we are doing. I'm perfectly fine with where it is now - just talking and such. I do miss him physically, but that's not something I can't handle right now. And, if I meet someone (or he does), then I'm okay with that too. Whatever will be will be.

[AnotherRound]

No he may not have 'lied' to you like he lied to his wife, but he certainly bounced back and forth, putting you through pain and heartache. For so many years he couldn't commit either way - A sitting duck waiting.. Until exOOW blew it all out of the water, then the truth came out.

 

The guy is passive and during those 8 years of lying , deceiving, manipulating,etc etc, he DOES need to be 'alone' to work on himself. As I've mentioned before, ridding of the 'affair dynamic' has to end - Even more so for him because he's picked up some not so nice habits along the way and he has to rid of them, work on himself and become a better more honest person. You can believe he never ever lied or omitted truths to you all you want - Just keep in mind that he continually LIED to the woman he married, the woman who carried his child for 9 months. What makes you more special than her that he would never ever lie to you or omit truths to suit him best? Give that some thought.

 

He did NOT lie to his wife. I don't know why some of you keep saying he did. He didn't. She knows who I am, he told her BEFORE he started seeing me that he wanted to see me. She knew when we broke up. She knew when he started seeing the other OW after me. She was NOT lied to. I know that some don't believe that, but it IS the truth - and is not dependent on strangers believing it, it remains true regardless.

 

I agree, he has things to work on. It was simply a question bc I had no idea what "light dating" meant exactly - and didn't know if it was something I should at least be considering. I have never said that I was more special than his wife - I don't compare myself to her as in apples to apples - I consider it apples to oranges bc of how we "fit" with him, that's all.

 

Like I said, we are not dating, just talking. We might date (probably will date) unless something crazy happens between now and when his divorce is finalized. This was just something someone suggested and I was curious if anyone else had heard of it, or experienced it, and was interested in the information.

[AnotherRound]

You've waited all this time - why can't you wait longer - and give him that grace and dignity to grow WITHOUT you being involved in THAT process that will encourage his strength and courage?

\

 

This is a good point - IF I had been waiting. I had broken up with him, and was dating others - one guy I dated pretty seriously for about 6 months. I was not contacting exMM, or involved in anything that had to do with him. He sometimes called me, told me he missed me and wanted to be with me, etc. - but I continued dating the guy I was dating. I didn't dump him and run back to exMM. So no, I haven't been waiting. And I wasn't waiting while I was seeing him - I was seeing him. That's not "waiting" - it's an active deal, not a passive deal. I had no plans for the future with him at that time, it was working the way it was for me, him, and his stbxw - there was no ulterior motive of anything more than just having an intimate relationship with him, emotionally and physically.

 

I am giving him time. He is the one who is going back and forth with what he should do - not me. I laid out my boundaries very clearly - some days he thinks he can meet them, some days he's not sure if he can. He's confused, and is trying to sort out his feelings and such from the fact that he is going to be a SG after 20+ years of marriage. That's a HUGE transition - and one that he is not quite sure how to navigate yet. He is the one that thinks that time is passing him by, feeling like he has wasted too many years of his life already on a relationship that was done, not me. He is the one that feels that his "good health is slipping away" and he won't have the time to do the things he wants to do in this life, not me.

 

This was just something someone suggested to me - and I was curious as to what it was, what it entailed, and if it might be something he and I could do. To ease HIS mind, not mine - I'm fine, lol. I am trying to avoid the back and forth of me vs. single life with him - it's not about me vs. his wife - the marriage is over, the divorce is happening, and they are BOTH okay with that and despite showing some hesitancy (as is normal), they are both wanting to move on. He isn't going back and forth between she and I - he is going back and forth in his own head, with his own emotions - and just trying to make sure that he has done everything he can, and done it the right/best way. It has nothing to do with me, or his feelings for me, or his feelings for his wife. Honestly, it's mostly about his child, and his financial situation at this point. That's just the truth - and two very big things that have changed in his life. And he doesn't like change, and this type of big change that can affect his life so much is freaking him out a little - as it would anyone (and is freaking the stbxw out too, as it would ANYONE).

 

So, I know you are a staunch supporter of waiting until the divorce is final, and that is our plan right now. It may not even happen right after that, depending on where he is emotionally and mentally, and where I am. A lot can change in a few months, and it appears it's going to be at least that long before the divorce is all wrapped up for them. So, in the meantime, I'm just carrying on. I am still dating, still just doing my life like I have been the past year and a half. Only difference for me is that he and I are talking more again (still not as much as when we were actively seeing one another) and sometimes talk about a possible future.

 

I just think that he and I are alike in that it sometimes seems "silly" to just not be together when we want to be. But we are both also intelligent and sensible enough to know that there are a LOT of complications right now - so, we are holding off. We have agreed on our process. I just wondered if the "light dating" was something possible as neither he nor I had really discussed that (although I think he suggested it at one point, but didn't call it that, but he also said it would be difficult for him too, and probably wasn't a good idea, bc we would be all in in no time bc of our already strong connection).

[2sunny]

He definitely needs time alone to clear his mind.

 

I can understand his mind goes back and forth. It's difficult to adjust to a changed life.

 

He needs this change - and plenty of alone time to get to know himself noe... Without a woman - a new him (identity) of sorts.

 

Space to get to know himself all on his own is healthy!

 

D makes some feel they failed - he may need to work to the other side of that too...

 

Light dating seems like it would just add to his things to process through. Could even distract him or cause more confusing emotions - to which he doesn't need now or any time soon.

 

It could take a long while for him to clear his head, thoughts, emotions and heart. Stepping back in anytime soon - I see that as a negative for both of you instead of positive.

 

Light dating after having been so emotionally tied is VERY difficult - seems like going backwards to me - I don't suggest that to anyone.

 

I like to see folks changing and moving forward.

[alexandria35]

I have been told by some of my friends and family members that their parents told them never to date a darker person, only date lighter skin women with long hair. Is this something that you teach your children? If so why?

 

lol...guess that would be a definition of light dating

[2sunny]

Looking at the bigger picture of how HE participated ...

 

He stayed married when he said he didn't like the M or rather the way his W participated.

 

He went out and found other women to fill his needs.

 

HE didn't CHOOSE to end that M even though HE complained about the status at home.

 

He must have felt safe or secure THERE for some reason(s). - for the fact that he chose to stay.

 

And in the end - it was his wife that took the action that was necessary! Because HE created a situation that finally pushed HER to the end for HER! HE STILL didn't take that action necessary IF he was so unhappy in THAT marriage...

 

And THAT should tell you everything YOU need to know about HIM = he avoids - he has BEHAVIORS that don't take ACTION that shows HIS TRUE FEELINGS for the circumstances. THAT is HIS LIE. Saying married (an action of sort or an INACTION) when HE said he really didn't want his wife!

 

His mind THINKS THAT WAY! This is the MINDSET that one hopes HE may be able to work THROUGH... THEN get to a healthier mindset that shows ACTION for HOW HE FEELS!

 

The lie is = IF he didn't WANT to be married to her - HE STAYED! When the words and actions don't match = there's a lie in there somewhere!

 

I'm sure you will find a reason to justify HIS bad behavior because that's what you do best... NOT HEALTHY.

 

And for ALL these reasons I think light dating or any dating shouldn't even be considered for a heck of a LONG time! He has to figure out all these things FOR HIMSELF!

 

Most likely - he won't. I hope he will... But it takes time to realize that somehow we all need to OWN HOW WE PARTICIPATED to the demise of ANY relationship IF we aren't going to do the same errors! THEN, after realizing that that behavior caused a R that sucked - in order to get a different result the next time around - to NEVER participate THAT way again (contrary action) - then and only then can we determine a different outcome moving FORWARD!

 

UNTIL everything in his words and actions have changed - HE hasn't yet done the work necessary on HIMSELF to get to a better place. He would only be offering his broken self to ANY new woman!

 

Wait---> a LONG time ---> until EVERYTHING in his life looks different and BETTER than the man he has been and the man he is now!

 

You want his healthy self? WAIT until HE gets THERE! He has a LOT of work to DO!

 

You stepping in BEFORE he gets to THAT place just tells me that YOU don't want him to BE HIS BEST!

 

 

His counselor has suggested keeping you out of this - why can't YOU honor and respect THAT FOR HIM and HIS well being?

 

I'm looking at the BIGGER picture - that is what is good about having anonymous input....there's no bias for a man to find his way...

 

He's been hiding behind her skirt for his entire adult life - he felt safe and protected there for a reason!

 

HE needs to find out WHY - and HOW he can get happy for HIMSELF without hiding behind HER skirt any longer.

 

I'm sure he's afraid now that her skirt NO LONGER provides him the security to hide anymore - he may have to face himself! He may never find the strength and courage to FACE THAT part! If he doesn't = YOU SHOULDN'T WANT THAT BROKEN MAN!!!!!

[AnotherRound]

Looking at the bigger picture of how HE participated ...

 

He stayed married when he said he didn't like the M or rather the way his W participated.

 

He went out and found other women to fill his needs.

 

HE didn't CHOOSE to end that M even though HE complained about the status at home.

 

He must have felt safe or secure THERE for some reason(s). - for the fact that he chose to stay.

 

And in the end - it was his wife that took the action that was necessary! Because HE created a situation that finally pushed HER to the end for HER! HE STILL didn't take that action necessary IF he was so unhappy in THAT marriage...

 

And THAT should tell you everything YOU need to know about HIM = he avoids - he has BEHAVIORS that don't take ACTION that shows HIS TRUE FEELINGS for the circumstances. THAT is HIS LIE. Saying married (an action of sort or an INACTION) when HE said he really didn't want his wife!

 

His mind THINKS THAT WAY! This is the MINDSET that one hopes HE may be able to work THROUGH... THEN get to a healthier mindset that shows ACTION for HOW HE FEELS!

 

The lie is = IF he didn't WANT to be married to her - HE STAYED! When the words and actions don't match = there's a lie in there somewhere!

 

I'm sure you will find a reason to justify HIS bad behavior because that's what you do best... NOT HEALTHY.

 

And for ALL these reasons I think light dating or any dating shouldn't even be considered for a heck of a LONG time! He has to figure out all these things FOR HIMSELF!

 

Most likely - he won't. I hope he will... But it takes time to realize that somehow we all need to OWN HOW WE PARTICIPATED to the demise of ANY relationship IF we aren't going to do the same errors! THEN, after realizing that that behavior caused a R that sucked - in order to get a different result the next time around - to NEVER participate THAT way again (contrary action) - then and only then can we determine a different outcome moving FORWARD!

 

UNTIL everything in his words and actions have changed - HE hasn't yet done the work necessary on HIMSELF to get to a better place. He would only be offering his broken self to ANY new woman!

 

Wait---> a LONG time ---> until EVERYTHING in his life looks different and BETTER than the man he has been and the man he is now!

 

You want his healthy self? WAIT until HE gets THERE! He has a LOT of work to DO!

 

You stepping in BEFORE he gets to THAT place just tells me that YOU don't want him to BE HIS BEST!

 

 

His counselor has suggested keeping you out of this - why can't YOU honor and respect THAT FOR HIM and HIS well being?

 

I'm looking at the BIGGER picture - that is what is good about having anonymous input....there's no bias for a man to find his way...

 

He's been hiding behind her skirt for his entire adult life - he felt safe and protected there for a reason!

 

HE needs to find out WHY - and HOW he can get happy for HIMSELF without hiding behind HER skirt any longer.

 

I'm sure he's afraid now that her skirt NO LONGER provides him the security to hide anymore - he may have to face himself! He may never find the strength and courage to FACE THAT part! If he doesn't = YOU SHOULDN'T WANT THAT BROKEN MAN!!!!!

 

You make some good points, thanks. He has expressed that he was comfortable with the marriage bc he was getting his needs met elsewhere - and his wife was his "mommy figure". That is exactly what he is working on in counseling right now He has already tackled a lot of his issues through the 8 months of counseling - and continues to do so. He knows he made bad decisions, and realizes he should have divorced a long time ago and gotten out when he tried to discuss with her the issues and she refused to communicate at all. He now sees how his issues added to the problem (accepting her non-communication when he shouldn't have) and how she is never going to be someone that he can be with for that very reason.

 

Like I said - we are not seeing each other, and talking infrequently. It's no different than how it was before for the year and a half we were apart - except that we sometimes discuss a possible future and what that would need to look like for each of us.

 

Yes, his wife filed for divorce, and he tried to reconcile. He wanted to make sure that he had done everything in his power to fix it if it was fixable bc he wanted to be able to walk away knowing that - not always wondering. He found out quickly that she is exactly the same person he always knew she was, the one that won't communicate about anything she thinks or feels, and he stopped trying to reconcile. His main concern now is his child, how the divorce is affecting him, and easing the transition for him. ExMM hasn't been trying to reconcile at all for over a month now, and has remained in counseling this entire time (and living on his own).

 

I know he is working on his stuff, and I'm not intruding on him - or the divorce. If exMM calls me with a question about divorce, I answer him. He sometimes asks me what I think he should do - and I simply tell him that he has to make his own decisions. He knows that, but is terrified of making the wrong decisions bc he had definitely done that in the past and thought that they were the right decisions. He's gun shy about decisions right now - that will fade in time as he gains back his confidence and begins to see the marriage/divorce situation more clearly - when he isn't fogged in by guilt and can see both sides clearly again. That day will come, it's just a matter of time, and I've already seen glimpses of it in our convos.

 

And I explained to you why he stayed - I'm not sure if you don't believe him (your right, obvs) or if you didn't see it when I explained it. He stayed bc it was comfortable once they stopped trying to be intimate. He had a crazy expensive house that was always cleaned, cooked meals, his laundry done, she handled all the family stuff like scheduling and such, she was doing most of the caretaking of their child, they have businesses together, and properties, and he got to see his child every single day. It stopped being about his feelings for the stbxw a LONG time ago -even before their child was born (as was the same for the stbxw). I know he stayed for a reason, just like I know he dated the OW after me for a reason - and accept that he wanted to be there in those situations. I guess we maybe just disagree on WHY he was there.

 

Anyway, like I said, it was just a question. I know how everyone that posted feels about it now and appreciate the input. I have a better idea of what "light dating" is and was correct in my assessment that it wouldn't work for he and I most likely. I have no plans of pushing my way into his life, he is leading the charge on the contact - as he always has. I am just reacting, bc that is how I want it - I want him to make decisions and then I can react to them (or not, depending). If he never contacts me again, I'm fine, honestly. I'm not sitting here waiting for him to show up and whisk me away, lol - I've got things to do myself. And, I plan on continuing dating as long as I'm being asked out by other men, and if I find something there that I want to explore, I will. ExMM is well aware of this, is clear on my boundaries and what would need to be in order for him to even have a chance with me - it's up to him if he takes it or not. Either way, it won't affect my self worth, or my self esteem, or my ego. I'm secure in who I am and will continue to be so and won't feel rejected if he can't meet my needs - I don't give anyone that much power over me, ever.

[2sunny]

I think you are in denial about how much power he has over you. I say this with sincerity for your well being.

 

You say you are reacting... Well then don't react!

 

Neutral would mean no reaction.

 

His counselor has a plan for him. Respect that plan.

 

No different THEN you working with a patient toward a common GOAL to help a person become independent and happy ALL ON THEIR OWN - without needing that external validation and input. HE needs to grow and look WITHIN! You can't do that FOR HIM. The goal has been presented - yet he still runs to you when in doubt. He may also be running to his wife when in doubt. The goal is for HIM to TRUST his OWN JUDGMENT in making solid, healthy CHOICES FOR HIMSELF - BY HIMSELF!

 

If you wanted that for your client - and they kept running to their "safe place of hiding" - and didn't move forward to grow and understand SELF - you'd be frustrated that the person they were running to didn't step away for a long time to allow the client to FIND THEMSELVES... TRUST THEMSELVES!

 

The people who stay in the mix (co dependents) trying to make the landing "softer" for the one in pain just keep that person from learning what they need to learn from the pain THEY helped create!

 

It IS HIS to work through - YOU shouldn't be involved at this critical point - you CAN'T do it FOR him - if you do - HE won't realize what he needs to know in order to BECOME a HEALTHIER man!!!

 

You are road locking HIS recovery from HIS pain! Pain IS a great motivator... But it won't be if you keep allowing him to see if he can hide behind YOUR skirt.

 

Take the skirt OFF - allow him to stand ON HIS OWN!

 

He may or may not be capable of doing it - but time will SHOW YOU - IF you stay out of it and let HIM do the WORK he needs to do to get to the other side of the pain HE created!

[AnotherRound]

I think you are in denial about how much power he has over you. I say this with sincerity for your well being.

 

You say you are reacting... Well then don't react!

 

Neutral would mean no reaction.

 

His counselor has a plan for him. Respect that plan.

 

No different THEN you working with a patient toward a common GOAL to help a person become independent and happy ALL ON THEIR OWN - without needing that external validation and input. HE needs to grow and look WITHIN! You can't do that FOR HIM. The goal has been presented - yet he still runs to you when in doubt. He may also be running to his wife when in doubt. The goal is for HIM to TRUST his OWN JUDGMENT in making solid, healthy CHOICES FOR HIMSELF - BY HIMSELF!

 

If you wanted that for your client - and they kept running to their "safe place of hiding" - and didn't move forward to grow and understand SELF - you'd be frustrated that the person they were running to didn't step away for a long time to allow the client to FIND THEMSELVES... TRUST THEMSELVES!

 

The people who stay in the mix (co dependents) trying to make the landing "softer" for the one in pain just keep that person from learning what they need to learn from the pain THEY helped create!

 

It IS HIS to work through - YOU shouldn't be involved at this critical point - you CAN'T do it FOR him - if you do - HE won't realize what he needs to know in order to BECOME a HEALTHIER man!!!

 

You are road locking HIS recovery from HIS pain! Pain IS a great motivator... But it won't be if you keep allowing him to see if he can hide behind YOUR skirt.

 

Take the skirt OFF - allow him to stand ON HIS OWN!

 

He may or may not be capable of doing it - but time will SHOW YOU - IF you stay out of it and let HIM do the WORK he needs to do to get to the other side of the pain HE created!

 

I totally get what you are saying! I really do! I just don't think I'm in denial (yes, I know that is kind of part and parcel for denial, lol).

 

I am doing what I think is best. Light dating is not what I think is best. If I mess up, and he isn't "fixed" or whatever, I will take my lumps, as will he. There is no guidebook here, we are doing the best we can to do this correctly. If we muddle it up, then we muddle it up. It won't be the end of the world - it will just be the end of another relationship. That's okay, I can handle that if it comes to that. And I'm sure he can too.

 

Thank you for all of your input and insight. I just have to do this the way that I think is best, which is what I'm doing. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong - it's not that big of a deal, it really isn't. I love him, but that doesn't mean that I will die without him.

 

No light dating, just infrequent convos right now while he continues counseling, living on his own, and working through his divorce. I have no doubt that he will get his mojo back and be making firm decisions again in the near future. I went through a divorce and remember how disorienting it was - he will come out of that fog and be fine, I'm sure of it. Time will tell if we did this correctly or not - but either way, we will both be fine. Thanks again

[2sunny]

You're still invested in HIS outcome - that's why I don't think you are as neutral as you COULD be...

 

Neutral wouldn't look this obsessive about HIM, HIS marriage, the OOW... He needs to be sorting through this crap HE created at a bigger level than you are. Is he? That's for him - with the help of his counselor, a NEUTRAL party.

 

Any involvement by you is just him distracting himself from what HE doesn't want to face on his own.

 

Let him fall - I've learned more about me from the things I've done wrong more than the things I've done well or right.

 

He needs to learn what THAT is without anyone else who is emotionally invested telling him.

 

If he still is using "avoiding tactics" it just shows that he has so much more work to do on himself.

 

For the fact that he was "hiding" behind his wife's cover for that many years - it could takes years of "contrary action" for him to LEARN to trust his own judgment.

 

Any input you give him is only helping to stunt his personal growth.

[AnotherRound]

You're still invested in HIS outcome - that's why I don't think you are as neutral as you COULD be...

 

Neutral wouldn't look this obsessive about HIM, HIS marriage, the OOW... He needs to be sorting through this crap HE created at a bigger level than you are. Is he? That's for him - with the help of his counselor, a NEUTRAL party.

 

Any involvement by you is just him distracting himself from what HE doesn't want to face on his own.

 

Let him fall - I've learned more about me from the things I've done wrong more than the things I've done well or right.

 

He needs to learn what THAT is without anyone else who is emotionally invested telling him.

 

If he still is using "avoiding tactics" it just shows that he has so much more work to do on himself.

 

For the fact that he was "hiding" behind his wife's cover for that many years - it could takes years of "contrary action" for him to LEARN to trust his own judgment.

 

Any input you give him is only helping to stunt his personal growth.

 

Okay - we can do this all day long, but I'm not going to, lol. I am not obsessed - I have time on my hands and am discussing and wasting time here - bc I'm bored mostly, and it's interesting and interactive. I am handling things as I see fit - whether it's right or wrong is yet to be known, and I'm okay with it either way.

 

No matter how much you tell me what you think I SHOULD do, I have to make these decisions for myself. I heard you. You have valid points, I appreciate that - it is not changing my actions or my mind. My life is in my hands, and I will do as I see fit - and we just happen to disagree slightly on what is the "right" thing. If it was your life, I would accept that you will do what you need to do, what is best for you - I would state my piece, and leave you be.

 

You won't change my mind - I feel I have a pretty good grasp of what I"m dealing with. This ain't my first rodeo, lol - especially with this man. I am only invested in his outcome as far as it has to do with me. Other than that, I just want him to be happy - that may include me, it may not. I WANT to react right now - bc I want him to make his own decisions. That is MY choice - not me being pushed around by him. I'm forcing him to make decisions without my input - that's my plan at this point. And I'm watching how he handles it - that's also part of my plan. I am gathering intel at the moment - that is what works best for ME.

 

So, again, I appreciate your concern, I think you make valid points (even if we disagree on the actual situation, I was there, you were not) and I have heard you. I have considered what you said, and taken what I deem to be valuable. I have made my choices, and am prepared to deal with whatever the outcomes are of my choices. Thank you for your input and your insight - and as I said before, if I'm wrong and later you want to say "I told you so" - I'm perfectly open to that too and will concede that yes, indeed, you were right. I don't think there is much more to discuss about it. I have heard you loud and clear - and now will make my choices from my own heart and mind. Thanks again

[2sunny]

Just one point - you stated I'm a staunch proponent of waiting until the divorce is FINAL - it's only PART of it - the bigger picture is proper order.

 

When things aren't FINISHED - he's not going to be CLEAR on what he needs/wants. The mind needs that TIME to sort through his mental, emotional and physical pain... And GET TO A PLACE of BEING emotionally healthy AFTER sifting through it all.

 

Finalized is only a term I use loosely - mainly because it only gives SOME guideline to proper order - and HOPEFULLY more time for the one getting divorcED (past tense) to PROCESS what the hell just happened to the life they always HAD - and adjust to THE NEW LIFE THEY NOW LIVE IN - allowing room to find their way towards being happy.

[Got it]

Just one point - you stated I'm a staunch proponent of waiting until the divorce is FINAL - it's only PART of it - the bigger picture is proper order.

 

When things aren't FINISHED - he's not going to be CLEAR on what he needs/wants. The mind needs that TIME to sort through his mental, emotional and physical pain... And GET TO A PLACE of BEING emotionally healthy AFTER sifting through it all.

 

Finalized is only a term I use loosely - mainly because it only gives SOME guideline to proper order - and HOPEFULLY more time for the one getting divorcED (past tense) to PROCESS what the hell just happened to the life they always HAD - and adjust to THE NEW LIFE THEY NOW LIVE IN - allowing room to find their way towards being happy.

 

I agree that it is about where someone is emotionally. I am not, obviously, so committed to the idea of where someone is on the divorce process as I don't think the signing of the divorce degree changes much outside of crossing ts and dotting i's. What is important is where the person is emotionally in all areas, to have made their peace, said their goodbyes, to be ready to move to a new life. This can happen a few months or a few years. It is really a case by case basis.

 

I agree, his therapist is advising him based on the therapist experience with him. I would weigh that heavily, as he most definitely should, if he sees that he has patterns that he needs to change for his own best interest. I think right now is a good time to see how he handles on his own.

 

He has to want to change patterns, he has to see his patterns and see that they are not what he wants to continue.

 

Keep your life going as you are. I know that when you are emotionally tied to someone it is hard to stay neutral. I am not sure if it is even possible! But make sure you aren't extending more time, energy, head space, emotional needs, than you can "sacrifice" and keep yourself paramount in your life.