Light Dating?

[AnotherRound]

So, someone has suggested "light dating" with my exMM until his divorce is final since he and I both know that we want a relationship - we just aren't on the same page as to what that relationship will look like. I have no concept of light dating, and was curious, has anyone ever done this? If so, what did it look like? Is it simply a FWBs set up? And if not, what's different about it?

 

I know that exMM needs time to sort this divorce out, and I'm willing to give him that time. But in the meantime, life is passing by - as it always does, and it seems so silly to me that we are denying ourselves each other. Especially considering that I don't believe in any type of after life, and am convinced that after this life, we are done. I don't want to waste time - he or I could be gone tomorrow.

 

Thoughts? Ideas on how to "light date"? I don't know if it is even something I'm capable of as I have to force myself to "date" at all bc I think the whole process is so silly - I just like to meet someone I click with and go with the flow of a natural relationship. Dating sometimes seemed forced to me...

[veryhappy]

I know you'll do what you want to do, but from my perspective, you'd better protect yourself and don't do any kind of dating until his divorce is final. I know the feeling of life passing by, but he's not divorced until he's divorced. It makes you the available OW, and it puts him in the same ambivalent spot where he had both lives and it was so good.

 

On the other hand if you can handle one more return to the W, go ahead and light date. I'd personally fear I'd kill my exMM if I were to go through the same again.

[Summer Breeze]

AR I agree with Cutedragon. Wait till he's divorced. Everything surrounding him, and consequently you, is bringing drama to your life. Let it settle and figure it out together when the time is right. I can see the sense in suggesting light dating but the R you had with him before was intense and very powerful. It's tough to go backwards. I'm realizing I don't think I'll be able to.

[AnotherRound]

AR I agree with Cutedragon. Wait till he's divorced. Everything surrounding him, and consequently you, is bringing drama to your life. Let it settle and figure it out together when the time is right. I can see the sense in suggesting light dating but the R you had with him before was intense and very powerful. It's tough to go backwards. I'm realizing I don't think I'll be able to.

 

I don't think I would either - but someone suggested it, so I thought I'd ask if anyone really knew what it meant. I've always considered dating a "getting to know you" period - so, for he and I, we don't "need" to date, we already know each other, intimately, lol.

Edited October 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed response to deleted post

[eleanorrigby]

 

I don't see the point in light dating for you either, just jump in.

Edited October 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed discussion started by off topic post

[AnotherRound]

 

I don't see the point in light dating for you either, just jump in.

 

Lol... true! But nah, I am pretty good with the pace it is now. It was just a suggestion from someone else, and I wondered what exactly "light dating" meant.

 

I still would like that answered if anyone knows what it means? Is it just FWBs? Or, is it just "dating" with no strings? Bc either way, I never have "strings" attached, bc I can't predict the future anyways. So, not sure exactly what it means - and yes, I did ask the person that suggested it, no response yet.

Edited October 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

I've always considered dating a "getting to know you" period - so, for he and I, we don't "need" to date, we already know each other, intimately, lol.

In an affair setting, yes you know him. You don't know him in certain ways, like his wife did. That isn't a shot, it's just how it is. You know what he's shown you but you two need to get out of the affair dynamic completely. So, when time has gone by (enough time) after he is divorced and he's been on his own for a bit, then go out on a real date. 1st date, starting off fresh and get to know him OUT OF THE REALM of an affair dynamic.

 

Or are you talking about dating someone else during his D process?

[MissBee]

Dating should be a discovery phase....

 

Some people have no concept of getting to know someone and learning about them before committing to something more serious and investing heavily in a situation that may not be viable. Lots of people seem to skip dating and just end up in relationships...that to me is absurd and it makes sense to me why most people make a mess of things. I think societies that have more structured dating/courtship see less drama.

 

I think all dating should start "light". That is, you approach this person not with the mindset to end up with a spouse or LTR and you don't act like you've already been together for years. You consider it NSA, learning about someone, seeing if you click and you gradually invest more time, share more etc as you get comfortable and as you see things unfolding positively you give or pull back trust. You take that time to really observe, listen to yourself, listen to them and check if you are on the same page and if any red or yellow flags are popping up. This is smart IMO and most smart people seem to approach other major investments with much research and caution except with relationships. Many people seem to try to make instantaneous connections that then blow up in their faces or dive headfirst into "heavy dating" then seem truly bemused when after they've moved in after a month all of a sudden they realize they don't know this person that well and maybe they rushed things. But this is easier with someone you have no history with...with someone you have history with, I'd say it can still be similar. That is, don't start being his official girlfriend. Don't simply pick up where you ended. Approach him with new eyes, a new mentality, a fresh leaf as you would a single guy you're checking out.

[AnotherRound]

Thanks all... I guess it's really just kind of going back to that discovery phase. Imo, this is completely unnecessary for he and I, and I think it might not be possible - not with our history and level of intimacy.

 

ExMM wants to see me, but his psychologist has told him that he should wait a year at least, and that it's not healthy to go right to another "serious" relationship. Imo, exMM is gun shy now - and rightfully so, and understandably so. He wants to make sure he is making a good decision this time, and I respect that. If I wanted to, I suppose I could give him an ultimatum, bt that would be silly for me to do. I want him to land where he wants to land, and to be where he wants to be - and until he can dissolve his marriage, he won't be "settled".

 

I like what we have now. We are talking, not every day, but with no taboo subjects (that did NOT work for us at all). We aren't seeing each other, or sleeping together, and as much as I miss him - I am glad that we are having only an emotional relationship right now. I think that is best for both of us, and best that it's not an every day, all day, all consuming thing. I like the pace we are going, catching back up with one another after our year and a half apart. I think I will keep it like it is for now - and continue dating. And if exMM wants to date, I won't have a problem with that at all.

 

It will all buff out eventually - it always does. And everyone will be exactly where they are supposed to be.

[Pierre]

Thanks all... I guess it's really just kind of going back to that discovery phase. Imo, this is completely unnecessary for he and I, and I think it might not be possible - not with our history and level of intimacy.

 

ExMM wants to see me, but his psychologist has told him that he should wait a year at least, and that it's not healthy to go right to another "serious" relationship. Imo, exMM is gun shy now - and rightfully so, and understandably so. He wants to make sure he is making a good decision this time, and I respect that. If I wanted to, I suppose I could give him an ultimatum, bt that would be silly for me to do. I want him to land where he wants to land, and to be where he wants to be - and until he can dissolve his marriage, he won't be "settled".

 

I like what we have now. We are talking, not every day, but with no taboo subjects (that did NOT work for us at all). We aren't seeing each other, or sleeping together, and as much as I miss him - I am glad that we are having only an emotional relationship right now. I think that is best for both of us, and best that it's not an every day, all day, all consuming thing. I like the pace we are going, catching back up with one another after our year and a half apart. I think I will keep it like it is for now - and continue dating. And if exMM wants to date, I won't have a problem with that at all.

 

It will all buff out eventually - it always does. And everyone will be exactly where they are supposed to be.

 

May i ask what is so special about this guy? He is under psychiatric care?

 

Why don't you forget him and go for a clean slate elsewhere?

[Decorative]

May i ask what is so special about this guy? He is under psychiatric care?

 

Why don't you forget him and go for a clean slate elsewhere?

 

This is wise advice.

 

The baggage this guy has is going to crash on your head. You don't need it. And honestly - the psychologist excuse? It's an excuse. It's reason three million and one why he isn't going to be with you in the long run.

 

If it was the right relationship- he would have ended things with his wife years ago, instead of now dealing with his wife being done with him, and you bein positioned as a possible soft place to land. There would never have been an OOW. Don't you see? You need to slowly read everything you have written about this dude, and listen to yourself. You are attempting to paint a picture one way, but you aren't a good enough liar to do it ( which is a good thing for you). The reality is clear. And I think you can see it .

 

You deserve better. This guy is never going to be good enough for you, and it's time to call it a day. You are exerting so much wasted emotional energy on this guy, and those of us who are further removed from the picture can see the landscape in full. And listen carefully when we say- you need to run. Far away.

[truthbetold]

Thanks all... I guess it's really just kind of going back to that discovery phase. Imo, this is completely unnecessary for he and I, and I think it might not be possible - not with our history and level of intimacy.

 

ExMM wants to see me, but his psychologist has told him that he should wait a year at least, and that it's not healthy to go right to another "serious" relationship. Imo, exMM is gun shy now - and rightfully so, and understandably so. He wants to make sure he is making a good decision this time, and I respect that. If I wanted to, I suppose I could give him an ultimatum, bt that would be silly for me to do. I want him to land where he wants to land, and to be where he wants to be - and until he can dissolve his marriage, he won't be "settled".

 

I like what we have now. We are talking, not every day, but with no taboo subjects (that did NOT work for us at all). We aren't seeing each other, or sleeping together, and as much as I miss him - I am glad that we are having only an emotional relationship right now. I think that is best for both of us, and best that it's not an every day, all day, all consuming thing. I like the pace we are going, catching back up with one another after our year and a half apart. I think I will keep it like it is for now - and continue dating. And if exMM wants to date, I won't have a problem with that at all.

 

It will all buff out eventually - it always does. And everyone will be exactly where they are supposed to be.

 

Couldn't agree more with that!

 

I don't understand why with your beliefs that you don't just jump in? You don't want marriage, you have no belief in the afterlife so I'm not sure what you're stuck on? NSS doesn't bother you either, so I don't know why you're trying to do this right? I think it's true that he would need a minimum of a year off of dating to get his head on straight. But since you live life with a throw caution to the wind, well I'm kind of surprised you would ask.

 

Light dating for me would be a waste. I learned I don't do well with NSS. I had relationships in the past that I thought I could be all cool and detached and have them love me just for the superficial, physical stuff. I thought at one time it was great to be complimented on outward beauty. I thought it was cool to remain deep and mysterious and not let people in as it were.

 

I quickly learned I was super insecure though. Being a late bloomer fueled that after a disastrous first marriage I thought I could do the whole "eff men I can take them or leave them" it was a way of taking control back. But I learned that didn't work. I had to get good with me on my own before I would be a good match for anyone. Find my happiness within.

 

I learned free and easy sex just made me feel used as much as I tried to tell myself I was good with it I wasn't, it wasn't really me. I need the love and security and bonding and knowing that person isn't going anywhere for me to fully open up, that brought peace. "Most" women are kidding themselves when they say they can do the whole FWB and not get attached, I honestly believe we lie to ourselves about being used for sex to look better or feel more in control and not look so needy, but I found it was quite the opposite and it was the fear of not getting hurt supposedly that drove that.

 

So from what you write, you and I are about as opposite as they come! (except for the analytical part ) So I'm pretty sure all that doesn't resonate with you as you're good with FWB and don't think it's possible to feel used if you originally agreed to it. I disagree bc I learned the mind is a very funny thing, you can try to trick it but not for long. Since you wouldn't agree, not sure why the hesitation.

[AnotherRound]

Couldn't agree more with that!

 

I don't understand why with your beliefs that you don't just jump in? You don't want marriage, you have no belief in the afterlife so I'm not sure what you're stuck on? NSS doesn't bother you either, so I don't know why you're trying to do this right? I think it's true that he would need a minimum of a year off of dating to get his head on straight. But since you live life with a throw caution to the wind, well I'm kind of surprised you would ask.

 

Light dating for me would be a waste. I learned I don't do well with NSS. I had relationships in the past that I thought I could be all cool and detached and have them love me just for the superficial, physical stuff. I thought at one time it was great to be complimented on outward beauty. I thought it was cool to remain deep and mysterious and not let people in as it were.

 

I quickly learned I was super insecure though. Being a late bloomer fueled that after a disastrous first marriage I thought I could do the whole "eff men I can take them or leave them" it was a way of taking control back. But I learned that didn't work. I had to get good with me on my own before I would be a good match for anyone. Find my happiness within.

 

I learned free and easy sex just made me feel used as much as I tried to tell myself I was good with it I wasn't, it wasn't really me. I need the love and security and bonding and knowing that person isn't going anywhere for me to fully open up, that brought peace. "Most" women are kidding themselves when they say they can do the whole FWB and not get attached, I honestly believe we lie to ourselves about being used for sex to look better or feel more in control and not look so needy, but I found it was quite the opposite and it was the fear of not getting hurt supposedly that drove that.

 

So from what you write, you and I are about as opposite as they come! (except for the analytical part ) So I'm pretty sure all that doesn't resonate with you as you're good with FWB and don't think it's possible to feel used if you originally agreed to it. I disagree bc I learned the mind is a very funny thing, you can try to trick it but not for long. Since you wouldn't agree, not sure why the hesitation.

 

I hesitate bc I already love ExMM. We weren't FWBs, we had a full blown relationship for 7 years. I don't know that I can go backwards - not with the level of feelings that I have for him already.

 

And I think you misunderstood me maybe. I have one guy that I do the FWB thing with. We have known each other for 11 years, and over that time, that is what developed. I don't stay detached emotionally from him - I adore him, he's a great guy. We just don't become bf/gf bc of his religious beliefs. That's the only thing between us that doesn't "work". He is one of my best friends - not "just" sex every now and then. So, there is a relationship there, just not a traditional one.

 

I have never thought that I could take it or leave it with someone I love? I said that I accept when things don't work out - that's not an apathetic approach - it's an accepting approach that I can't control the outcome of a situation when another person is involved, and accepting that.

 

As far as NSS - that was a long time ago, in undergraduate college. I'm in my mid to late 30s now - I haven't had NSS for 15 years or something. In fact, the only people I have had sex with in the past 2 years are exMM and my FWB guy. So, if my posts gave the impression that I'm out picking up guys for random sex, I apologize bc that isn't anywhere near the reality, lol. I have often felt like a born again virgin over the past couple of years!

 

I want to do this "right" with exMM if I do it at all - bc I always want to do things "right" that I participate in. If he and I are going to rekindle our relationship, I want to give it the best shot it has - by laying a very solid foundation. I think we have a pretty good foundation, but this is a whole new dynamic for us - with both of us being single. So, it's unchartered territory for us - and I would like to do it "right", whatever that may be.

 

Like I said, I was really looking for someone to kind of explain what "light dating" is in that I had never thought of it, and was curious what it would entail.

 

Thanks for the response!

[alexandria35]

Couldn't agree more with that!

 

I don't understand why with your beliefs that you don't just jump in? You don't want marriage, you have no belief in the afterlife so I'm not sure what you're stuck on? NSS doesn't bother you either, so I don't know why you're trying to do this right? I think it's true that he would need a minimum of a year off of dating to get his head on straight. But since you live life with a throw caution to the wind, well I'm kind of surprised you would ask.

 

Light dating for me would be a waste. I learned I don't do well with NSS. I had relationships in the past that I thought I could be all cool and detached and have them love me just for the superficial, physical stuff. I thought at one time it was great to be complimented on outward beauty. I thought it was cool to remain deep and mysterious and not let people in as it were.

 

I quickly learned I was super insecure though. Being a late bloomer fueled that after a disastrous first marriage I thought I could do the whole "eff men I can take them or leave them" it was a way of taking control back. But I learned that didn't work. I had to get good with me on my own before I would be a good match for anyone. Find my happiness within.

 

I learned free and easy sex just made me feel used as much as I tried to tell myself I was good with it I wasn't, it wasn't really me. I need the love and security and bonding and knowing that person isn't going anywhere for me to fully open up, that brought peace. "Most" women are kidding themselves when they say they can do the whole FWB and not get attached, I honestly believe we lie to ourselves about being used for sex to look better or feel more in control and not look so needy, but I found it was quite the opposite and it was the fear of not getting hurt supposedly that drove that.

 

So from what you write, you and I are about as opposite as they come! (except for the analytical part ) So I'm pretty sure all that doesn't resonate with you as you're good with FWB and don't think it's possible to feel used if you originally agreed to it. I disagree bc I learned the mind is a very funny thing, you can try to trick it but not for long. Since you wouldn't agree, not sure why the hesitation.

 

Love this post as it really resonates with me. AR feels sad for me that I don't have FWB sex and that I don't have sex just for the sake of having sex. Which is pretty funny because at 47 yrs old I've had my fair share of no strings attached sex, mostly back in my twenties, so it's not like I've missed out on cheap sex. I've btdt but there came a point when I realized that sex without love and commitment is really hollow and did nothing to nuture my soul. AR believes that sex is a basic human need and that it's unnatural to deny ourselves sexual satisfaction even if that means having cheap NSA sex. I agree that we all have sex drives and that we all have a need for sexual release which is why most of us learn at a very young age how to take care of that need all by ourselves if necessary. AR also believes that human touch is a basic human need that we shouldn't be without and again I agree but human touch doesn't mean sex. I share lots of love and hugs and affection with my family and even with my pets. I think what it comes down to is love. Giving and receiving love is the real universal need that all humans share and it seems rather small minded to me if the only way a person can think of to get that need met is to have sex with the opposite sex as there are so many varied ways that we can express and receive love. This idea AR has that the MM had to have another OOW just to get his needs just rings false and hollow to me. Doesn't he have anything else besides sex that is meaningful in his life?

[AnotherRound]

Love this post as it really resonates with me. AR feels sad for me that I don't have FWB sex and that I don't have sex just for the sake of having sex. Which is pretty funny because at 47 yrs old I've had my fair share of no strings attached sex, mostly back in my twenties, so it's not like I've missed out on cheap sex. I've btdt but there came a point when I realized that sex without love and commitment is really hollow and did nothing to nuture my soul. AR believes that sex is a basic human need and that it's unnatural to deny ourselves sexual satisfaction even if that means having cheap NSA sex. I agree that we all have sex drives and that we all have a need for sexual release which is why most of us learn at a very young age how to take care of that need all by ourselves if necessary. AR also believes that human touch is a basic human need that we shouldn't be without and again I agree but human touch doesn't mean sex. I share lots of love and hugs and affection with my family and even with my pets. I think what it comes down to is love. Giving and receiving love is the real universal need that all humans share and it seems rather small minded to me if the only way a person can think of to get that need met is to have sex with the opposite sex as there are so many varied ways that we can express and receive love. This idea AR has that the MM had to have another OOW just to get his needs just rings false and hollow to me. Doesn't he have anything else besides sex that is meaningful in his life?

 

You posted a lot about what you think I feel, and it's all pretty off the mark. I'm not sure I'm communicating appropriately, bc otherwise, I don't think that there would be so much misunderstanding. I said I felt sad if you NEVER had unattached sex, as I do think it's a normal part of growing up, especially during our 20s and college. It's a learning experience, and something I think was fun while it lasted to a certain extent - and a normal experience for most humans. To feel that level of lust without attachment is very revealing I think, and I would be sad for anyone who had NEVER experienced it. I didn't say that you should be doing that your whole life, lol...

 

And yes, exMM has needs that are more meaningful than sex. But part of sex is human touch - and when someone is denied that by their SO for more than a decade, it's going to take its toll. I know that exMM should have handled the situation differently - but at least he was up front with his stbxw and told her that he was going outside of the marriage. Not his best moment, surely, but his honesty does count for something in my mind. Sometimes, when we are frustrated to that level, we do things that we won't necessarily be proud of later.

 

ExMM was not only being denied an integral part of a SO relationship of sex - but ANY human touch at all. His stbxw just doesn't seem to need that - any of it. Not just sex, but no touch at all - she seems fine with that. Or, gets those needs met with her child and that's enough. ExMM is not the same as her in that regard. Miss Bee had a great post about needs in a relationship and how the needs of both people are important. When those needs don't match up, it wreaks havoc - and creates a frustration and resentment level that is often hard to overcome.

 

I won't hit every point you made - but suffice it to say that you misinterpreted what I was saying on a lot of levels, and are wrong about how I feel and how I view the world. That's not what I feel or think, and my many posts are available to read if you want to know what I feel and think. We obviously have different needs, and view wants and needs differently. I follow Maslow's hierarchy of needs - if you want to google it, it will explain how I view the needs of humans from a psychological viewpoint and not just a physical viewpoint.

 

Thanks for the response!

[truthbetold]

Love this post as it really resonates with me. AR feels sad for me that I don't have FWB sex and that I don't have sex just for the sake of having sex. Which is pretty funny because at 47 yrs old I've had my fair share of no strings attached sex, mostly back in my twenties, so it's not like I've missed out on cheap sex. I've btdt but there came a point when I realized that sex without love and commitment is really hollow and did nothing to nuture my soul. AR believes that sex is a basic human need and that it's unnatural to deny ourselves sexual satisfaction even if that means having cheap NSA sex. I agree that we all have sex drives and that we all have a need for sexual release which is why most of us learn at a very young age how to take care of that need all by ourselves if necessary. AR also believes that human touch is a basic human need that we shouldn't be without and again I agree but human touch doesn't mean sex. I share lots of love and hugs and affection with my family and even with my pets. I think what it comes down to is love. Giving and receiving love is the real universal need that all humans share and it seems rather small minded to me if the only way a person can think of to get that need met is to have sex with the opposite sex as there are so many varied ways that we can express and receive love. This idea AR has that the MM had to have another OOW just to get his needs just rings false and hollow to me. Doesn't he have anything else besides sex that is meaningful in his life?

 

Yep! But perhaps since AR doesn't believe in an after life, there's no soul for her so it really doesn't present a problem. But I agree, Alexandria for me it was pointless. Hollow describes it perfectly. I never knew how freeing it could be to really explore the depths of true lovemaking, to really be vulnerable but have no fear bc of the commitment and bond.

 

AR, I don't mean it as a dig that you have no soul. But really if this is all there is for you it would explain why things don't reach you and make sense the way they do others.

 

What Alexandria explained is interesting. I take it you ascribe to Maslow's Heirarchy then? Curious though bc as Alexandria explained sex and getting off can be done by on one's own, if you don't believe you can overcome that urge and occupy your mind, body elsewhere that is!

 

Always found it kind of curious myself that on that 1st tier sex is there, but not lovemaking that comes later according to him. I can see where his logic was and why in any health care field we're taught it. But sorry I don't completely agree with the components. Talk about black and white! Plus with sex on the bottom tier but love on the 3rd or so, it just sounds contradictory. Like he himself couldn't even reconcile the importance of love for one another. For me that trumps everything. Being kind to one another and the rest will follow.

 

As a huge believer in love is the key and not just sexual love as that's not a given in this world and believe it or not someone can be utterly happy with themselves without sexual love. But love in general and for humankind. That's key to me.

[truthbetold]

Tried to edit my post, guess I saw it too late!

 

Oops edited: I was typing my response to you, when I went back I just saw your reply to Alexandria that you do believe in Maslow's. I only asked bc from what Alexandria was explaining you said, it def sounded like his theories, but I'm surprised bc even well thought of doctors in the field find fault with this antiquated simplistic explanation of things, and so I'm shocked that you speak of higher evolution and neurosciences etc... and yet this thing came out in the 1940's, when SAHM were the norm. It explains some basic things, but by far misses the point more that it hits it on much more. IMO of course!

[Decorative]

I am also an atheist, and my point of view could not be further from AR's- so I don't think her lack of faith is what drives that personality. I carry no faith , either, and I see the world quite differently than she does. I believe we only have this life right now, and everything we do matters, because this is our chance to make a difference. Love, kindness and respect above all else.

[truthbetold]

I am also an atheist, and my point of view could not be further from AR's- so I don't think her lack of faith is what drives that personality. I carry no faith , either, and I see the world quite differently than she does. I believe we only have this life right now, and everything we do matters, because this is our chance to make a difference. Love, kindness and respect above all else.

 

I completely agree. It goes to the treat others as you want to be treated. It's very much so why I believe that people can have a basic respect for one another even if they don't share the same spiritual beliefs or principles. That common thread runs through many to bond us as humans.

[2sunny]

I think a HEALTHY choice for you and for him is to stay away from each other for a good LONG while AFTER his divorce is FINAL.

 

You need to work on your balance.

 

He needs to learn to be happy being alone - which he may not be capable of...but won't know until he does just that!

 

You obsess over him...work on that too!

 

I think you are in fear of what he may do IF you don't jump in right away - he might find someone fantastic!

 

Either way - you'll probably have sex with him - when you do - USE condoms EVERY time!!!

[2sunny]

Did you ever have sex with your FWB guy when you were seeing this MM?

 

Do you always use protection or no?

[todreaminblue]

So, someone has suggested "light dating" with my exMM until his divorce is final since he and I both know that we want a relationship - we just aren't on the same page as to what that relationship will look like. I have no concept of light dating, and was curious, has anyone ever done this? If so, what did it look like? Is it simply a FWBs set up? And if not, what's different about it?

 

I know that exMM needs time to sort this divorce out, and I'm willing to give him that time. But in the meantime, life is passing by - as it always does, and it seems so silly to me that we are denying ourselves each other. Especially considering that I don't believe in any type of after life, and am convinced that after this life, we are done. I don't want to waste time - he or I could be gone tomorrow.

 

Thoughts? Ideas on how to "light date"? I don't know if it is even something I'm capable of as I have to force myself to "date" at all bc I think the whole process is so silly - I just like to meet someone I click with and go with the flow of a natural relationship. Dating sometimes seemed forced to me...

 

 

light dating....hmmmmm interesting concept i would consider sex not be light dating and when there is divorce involved in the mix thats a heavy mix of feelings....i would consider light dating to mean not caring one way or the other what happens no real thoughts for the future.....considering you dont believe in an afterlife and you might not be here tomorrow.....i think that shows light dating atmospherically correct conditions..... an absence of emotion on hurting someone as well, maybe.......i could not light date.......as the men i do date.....i would care about.....i wouldnt do it personally ....i am not dating at the moment because i dont believe in taking things lightly....to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction....that aint light nor could i treat it lightly...maybe if i was medicated i wouldnt care..

 

fwb relationships are not invested except maybe on making it to the chemist before it closes, an investment in plastics before the sex....this is me being light hearted....attempting humor in a non humorous light dating sorta way...best wishes i hope that you make a choice that makes you happy...deb

[AnotherRound]

Did you ever have sex with your FWB guy when you were seeing this MM?

 

Do you always use protection or no?

 

 

Nope, I only have sex with one person at a time - never any overlapping. I always use birth control, not always other types of protection since I am only involved in agreed upon monogamous sexual relationships nowadays. I get tested regularly bc of my AI, and have never had any issues - not a single STD (or whatever they are calling them nowadays, lol).

[AnotherRound]

I have to agree with this. He shouldn't have screwed you around for 7 years, AR.

 

I don't see how he screwed me around for 7 years - unless simply the fact that he was married = screwing me around. I just don't believe that to be true in every single situation, and not in mine. Nobody was lied to - we were all willing participants. And, had he gotten an OOW WHILE he and I were together - yes, that would be different for me. But, for him to start seeing someone 4 months after I ended things with him - is just him moving on to another relationship. His wife was aware of that one too - the only thing that made it blow up was that the OW started acting out against everyone. Otherwise, they would still be married (those are the stbxw's words, not mine).

 

I honestly believe that exMM and his stbxw would have stayed married forever if things had stayed quiet - not because either of them wants to be with the other, but bc neither of them wanted to be the one to take the first step towards divorcing - especially with their child in still in the home. I don't know if either would have left after the child left either - they never got to that point. This doesn't, imo, reflect anything about my worth or how he loves me or doesn't love me.

 

I just don't do that in life - say that if someone does blank, then they don't love me. You can love someone and do all kinds of stupid things, imo. You can love, or care about, more than one person at a time. I can see why some people believe that if he loved me he would do "fill in the blank". The problem is, I KNOW he loves me - and he didn't do "fill in the blank". So, I know it to be a false argument in this case.

 

Had he lied to me, broken up with me all the time, gotten other OWs while we were seeing each other, lied to his stbxw, etc. - I would doubt his love. And, I KNOW he has issues - we all do. Every SG I have dated has had issues too - some of them even bigger than exMMs even, or dealbreakers for me from the get go.

 

I appreciate the thoughtful responses. It's just not the truth of the situation. I obviously don't think that I've been lied to for 8 years, consistently by everyone involved in an effort to pull the wool over my eyes so that exMM could get some strange. It would be silly for that kind of conspiracy by so many people just so exMM could get laid a few times by me, when he has women throwing themselves at him every week that would be GLAD to have sex with him and nothing more. He could be getting strange a few times a week - all different women, with absolutely NO strings attached - so, why go through all of the relationship stuff with me? I mean, I'm good, but I'm not a magical sex machine! And, why would everyone be involved in the lying? I mean, all of our mutual friends and such? What would they have to gain from that?

[2sunny]

You've waited all this time - why can't you wait longer - and give him that grace and dignity to grow WITHOUT you being involved in THAT process that will encourage his strength and courage?