He is my lover and closest friend... but should we be together?

[Arabella]

Back in July I became involved with a man who had been a very close and supportive friend for months after a breakup with my former fiance (who is now out of the picture). Full story here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/330439-close-male-friend-suddenly-pulls-away

 

That was over four months ago. Since then we've transitioned from a mostly sexual arrangement to a very relationship-like situation. He stays overnight twice a week but we also spend many evenings together dining out, going to shows, watching tv, or even just talking. We've even gone away on long weekends and vacation together. We share many interests and we seem to get along pretty well the majority of the time.

 

Recently, I have been planning a trip overseas to visit my father early next year and offhandedly suggested that he might want to join me. He was interested in the idea, but we didn't talk about the details. I did not think of the implications at the time, but then I realized that my father would surely inquire about this man.

 

When everything began, we expressed that we did not want a relationship with each other, but the reality is that this has become a relationship in all but name. Things have obviously changed, though he does sometimes remind me that he tries to remain emotionally distant because he knows one day we will end. It's become apparent to both of us that we're nearing the point where we need to make a decision about our "not-relationship".

 

Trouble is, I don't know what I want. There are a couple of issues that make me think that he and I may not work in a relationship despite our affinity in most other aspects. He is a very low energy and low sex-drive person. I am the complete opposite. He often wants to stay in bed napping while I just want to get out and go do things. Sex twice a week is about as much as he can normally handle, and it's not even enough for me. He does have a physically demanding job (he's trying to change careers though) which accounts for some of this... but will it really get better when he finds another job?

 

On his part, he's been thinking about it as well. Back at the beginning of our friendship, I was very emotionally volatile due to the break up with my ex. I overreacted a couple of times to things that he said, although I was justified in finding it offensive. I've explained to him that that was truly the worst in me due to what I was going through, and that it's not a representation of who I am. There haven't been any such incidents since then, and I am a much happier and stable person now. However, because it happened back then, he feels it could happen again and makes him wary.

 

So this is how things stand right now. We have a good "not-relationship", but we both have reservations about the other. I don't know if these are true legitimate concerns, things we could work through, or we're just scared of commitment and making excuses. We have good communication and we've talked all of this through, but we have not yet addressed our status with the intent of making a decision. I sense that conversation is going to be happening soon. I really would like some insight on this.

 

Any advice, comments, etc would be appreciated.

 

Thanks!

 

-Arabella

[sportymonkey]

you guys def behave like a couple

the most important thing is to work out your priorities

once you both know EXACTLY what the other wants in a relationship, you'll both be in a better position to decide if you want a long-term relationship with each other

his low sex drive could be due to a number of factors:

 

1. his demanding job

2. he doesn't work out

3. both

 

i know a lot of ppl with demanding jobs but still have high sex drives

these individuals are generally very active and exercise regularly

so, should you both decide to go long-term, maybe you can hit the gym or pick up a sport/hobby together

poor communication is often the main contributor in break-ups

so, i suggest you both sit down and have a long heart-to-heart talk

good luck!

[Arabella]

Thanks for the response

 

At this point, I just haven't figured out whether a relationship with him is even what I want. There are other minor things that bother me about him, just like there are things about me that put him off.

 

I don't know if we're just being nit-picky because we're afraid to commit, or we actually have real reasons to be concerned about our compatibility.

 

Although our communication is generally very good, this is why I haven't really brought it up to him. I doubt he has any more of a clear idea of what's going on in his head than I do in mine.

 

-A