Red0781 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I welcome any advice or commentary in my situation. I have recently broken up with an girl I ave dated exclusively for over 3 years, she is 24 and I am 23. We have had a few bumps in the road, and what not, but this time I think we are over for good. Unfortunately I asked for the breakup and every time I ask for space, shortly after I feel like aybe I was asking too much out of her in the relationship, but the same problems always come up in the future. For the first year or so, the relationship was near perfect in my eyes. We regularly had sex, we had an extremely strong friendship and even considered each other best friends. I reall was sure that we were going to get married one day. But things like that are part of the problem. Her parents divorced while she was inher early teens I believe and she is very afraid that if she ever gets married that it will end in divorce. Because of this, she is very much against marriage, and she has also expressed disinterest in ever having children as well. At first these fears were not really aparent, she rarely expreses her feelings to anyone, unfortunately, and she only realy started expressing these feelings about a year and a half ago, I'd say. At first I figured it wasjust a phase, but it seems to be getting worse. At times, she seemed disinterested in having a relationship with me, but when questioned about it, she very decisively responded that she loves me more than anything. Another concern is that over the last year the amount of times we have sex has drastically declined. At the start of the relationship it seemd like it was at least a few times per week, and towards the end it was at the most once per month. She has even gradually declined in physical health, gaining weight as well as personal hygiene, such as bikini area shaving, etc. Nothing that would make me love her less at all, but just a sign that she doesnt care about her physical apearance as much as she used to. We both still live with our parents and I feel like maybe she feels she does not have enough space to herself, but she has also discussed moving out onher own and has had the opportunity to for many months, as well as the moneetary resources, but still chooses not to move out. (Sorry for this post being so long, but she means more to me than anything) Now that I asked for us to break up, it seems that she is not interested in getting back together, and she even made the comment that every time I asked for space it pushed her away, is the way I took her comments. I think a major issue on my part is that we have conflicting schedules, and evenw hen given the opportunity, she doesnt make much of an effort to see me when her schedule permits, whereas I would. Also a major problem with no possibiliy of marriage really discourages me at times. I left it with her that after a few months if she wants to discuss getting back together, to let me know and we can talk about it. We have hung out a few times since the breakup, but I just get upset thinking about her. She says that she thinks it is over for good because she can't really commit like I would like her to, not necessarily marriage, but just the hope that one day it is a possibility if things stayed working out well. The other thing that bothers me is she some what hinted at the fact that she might be interested in dating soon, this may be me reading to much into her comments, but she says things like "would it matter if I hooke dup with another guy" etc. This makesme wonder a lot because this doesnt seem like her at all. I dont know whether to wait it out and see if she gives us any thought or whether to just call it quits. I dont want to call it quits if this is not necessary and I am even open to making some changes to make her feel more satisfied abou our relationships, but I feel she would not give much feedback, because in the ast she hasn't even when directly asked for feedback. PLEASE HELP SAVE US!
overseas2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 First of all I have to comment that your girlfriend might be having some psychiatric problems like depression that is compounding all these things you are facing. For starters her lack of interest in sex at the age of 24 and the lack of caring for herself and weight gain are all tell tale signs of depression and you may want to confront her with this. Number 2. if you don't want to break up with someone then you shouldn't play chicken. Sorry I hate people who do this and then want back in. Say what you mean don't threaten. Number 3 - I don't know if your relationship is saveable. If she doesn't want to have children and she has said this then you should trust what she says and evaluate whether you can live with that or not. I know that is easier said than done. But if you want children then ... this isn't going to last. And you should not waste your time involved with her. For what it was worth I hope it helps.
Author Red0781 Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 Originally posted by overseas2004 First of all I have to comment that your girlfriend might be having some psychiatric problems like depression that is compounding all these things you are facing. For starters her lack of interest in sex at the age of 24 and the lack of caring for herself and weight gain are all tell tale signs of depression and you may want to confront her with this. Yes, this is has been a concern of mine, I have discussed with her going to see a psychiatrist and that if she wanted I would even go with her, etc, but her Dad sees going to see a psychiatrist as a weakness, although he seems to have no problem with his son going to one, but I think he sees his sons ADD as an illness, and depression as not an illness. She just seems to think her Dad will think lower of her if she sees a psychiatrist, I told her not to tell him, it's not his business anyway, but that doesn't seem to matter. Also, she has said a couple of times that "I'm not the person was when you met me", which is understandable, but to go from completely bubbly, and friendly, etc, to almost reclusive is not healthy, towards the end, her job was more important than our relationship, or anything for that matter it seemed. Originally posted by overseas2004 Number 2. if you don't want to break up with someone then you shouldn't play chicken. Sorry I hate people who do this and then want back in. Say what you mean don't threaten.. Yes, I know, and she's even kind of said this to me, but I will talk and talk about the problems I am having and she'll just shrug it off most of the time, it seems like the only time she realizes that she needs to fix something or communicate back is when its over, its weird how once we break up she seems more content with our relationship, even if there is nothing, its weird. Originally posted by overseas2004 Number 3 - I don't know if your relationship is saveable. If she doesn't want to have children and she has said this then you should trust what she says and evaluate whether you can live with that or not. I know that is easier said than done. But if you want children then ... this isn't going to last. And you should not waste your time involved with her. For what it was worth I hope it helps. Yes thank you for the help, first off. And I have been thinking this myself, the kids thing maybe I can do without, lots of women don't like the idea of child birth, etc, and thats understandable. Also I think she thinks all Husbands will be like her Dad, he wasn't a abusive, but was hardly around, he's not a bad guy, me and him have actually grown pretty close over the years, but I think she fears that any man would leave her at home tending to the kids herself. I would think she would know that's not at all me by now, but maybe she feels every man is like this. I really feel at times maybe its not saveable, but my biggest fear is having this be gone and her actually wanting these things with another man, the idea of that is just devastating because she claims the old "it isn't you, it's me" saying whenever I discuss making personal changes myself. Thanks again for the help and feedback. Hopefully we can find a way for her to be happy like she once was.
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