Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Many of you know my story. I got away after I found out he had cheated on me with his ex. I packed up and left believing he is a psychopath. As part of my recovery I decided to book a holiday far away and I also bought a book about... unhealthy relationships/loving too much. I found the book interesting but by the end of it I started to think of him in more positive terms????!!!! I began to see my own behaviors as unhealthy.... I am doubting if he is all that bad. I might be a very paranoid person. I know I am definately very confused and maybe I am a little crazy. How could I wake up with such a different perception of him today? Why after reading that book have I changed my view of him? I read the book with the view of helping myself overcome my poor relationship choices. Whilst reading the book - I recognised his ex and all the things he had said - I just would not believe anything - She is very distrubed. I see how much now but she is not my concern. I am here to get better but I find it all very confusing. I doubt myself. I will miss him terribly. I would like to be friends with him and I know he would like the same but I know I must stay away from him. I am quite far now!! Got a 12 hour flight!
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 I find that a very interesting and valid point. I am not able to go to therapy. I have tried before with disasterous outcome. Several times. I found the support from LS very good but I often wonder if there are lots of people out there that have no need to look for answers or support online because it is all working out well for them?? How do we here at LS know if we are a majority or minority when it comes to the relationships?
ThatJustHappened Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Sorry but I have to ask. How could therapy be disastrous? 1
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 You cannot be friends with him. He's toxic to you. Just because you love him, doesn't mean he has to be in your life! You two are not a good mix. Do not forget the pain you felt while you were with him..Don't let some book make those bad times less..And make you doubt yourself. You made the right decision! I found the book interesting but by the end of it I started to think of him in more positive terms????!!!! I began to see my own behaviors as unhealthy.... I am doubting if he is all that bad. I might be a very paranoid person. I know I am definately very confused and maybe I am a little crazy. Work on you, and over time you'll see things more clearly. Again, you made the right decision.
veryhappy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I'm not going to argue how good or bad he is, how good or bad the wife is, how good or bad you are. You can go back to him, if you decide that's what you want. Just wait six months though, to let things become clear in your mind. If in six months he seems prince charming, by all means, don't deny yourself the happiness. 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Sorry but I have to ask. How could therapy be disastrous? I often have the feeling that I was too messed up for therapy!!!!:D:D I tried several and nothing good came of it. I was very far away in my mind.... I felt like they just had absolutly no idea where I was coming from. They didn't seem to be listening or have any concept of the problems I was facing.... It was horrible. I stopped trying.
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 I found your entire situation to be incredibly odd. You were involved with a guy and unsure what was going on. He was LIVING with you and then it all got weird, like... very weird once you had found your way here to LS and your opinions of everything changed. That's fine if it was opening your eyes to what was actually going on, but the way you were all over the place was very strange to me. You were very happy to vilify him for things you'd never treated as a problem before, and a lot didn't add up. I left it alone, because people say my situation is confusing or doesn't add up and I know it's because I leave out details that are no one else's business, are identifying or just because I know that they would be twisted to someone else's agenda. But the fact that you are now thinking you may have overreacted tells me you need to talk to someone who can actually help you. A counselor, a trusted and stable family member or friend, a dr. Someone. This is a very valid point Trinity. I find that LS can be toxic in too large a dose. It can skew your perception of even the healthiest relationships. (any relationship) You really should consider speaking to someone else instead of focusing your "help" from here. Many people never find their way here. I tend to think they might be better off. The therapy you may have found in the past might not have worked but there are counselors out there that can help you, you may need to keep looking until you find someone who is a good fit for you. Poor fit, abuse, manipulation, so very many ways that therapy can go wrong. The highlighted sentence is a bit confusing for me..... I did? What on earth became a problem that wasn't a problem before?
veryhappy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I often have the feeling that I was too messed up for therapy!!!!:D:D I tried several and nothing good came of it. I was very far away in my mind.... I felt like they just had absolutly no idea where I was coming from. They didn't seem to be listening or have any concept of the problems I was facing.... It was horrible. I stopped trying. You just need to find the right person.
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 You're in the bargaining stage, which is totally normal. True no contact will bring you out of this stage so you can continue to move forward. He cheated on me and lied. Apart from that everything was very good.... it is very weird to be away from him without having had a fight!
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 There are several online forums for men and women involved in an extramarital relationship. Each forum has its own character. LS is pretty heavily anti-affair, others are less judgmental when it comes to EMRs. Some forums like LS allow everyone to participate, other forums allow only those who themselves are involved in an EMR. The key is to find a relationship forum which fits you. Personally I like LS for the discussions here. For true support I go elsewhere. OMG I really thought this was a great place for support.....I feel very lost....
Author Adamgem Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 You cannot be friends with him. He's toxic to you. Just because you love him, doesn't mean he has to be in your life! You two are not a good mix. Do not forget the pain you felt while you were with him..Don't let some book make those bad times less..And make you doubt yourself. You made the right decision! Work on you, and over time you'll see things more clearly. Again, you made the right decision. I felt pain when he admitted he had slept with his ex. I loved being with him and I feel more pain when I know he is suffering.
veryhappy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 He cheated on me and lied. Apart from that everything was very good.... it is very weird to be away from him without having had a fight! I'll go hit my head against the closest wall... Read this a few times: your mind is not in the right place right now. It happens to a lot of people, but you can't trust your thoughts now. If thigs get bad, don't make any decisions, just go with the flow until it feels better. The only thing you need to be consistent is staying away from him. You'll never have clarity if you don't get him out of your system. It's hard, but it will take at least a month for things to feel better, so buckle up. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I often have the feeling that I was too messed up for therapy!!!!:D:D I tried several and nothing good came of it. I was very far away in my mind.... I felt like they just had absolutly no idea where I was coming from. They didn't seem to be listening or have any concept of the problems I was facing.... It was horrible. I stopped trying. Ha..fair enough. But if at first you don't succeed, try try again. I say keep looking for a decent therapist. Finding a good therapist is just has hard as finding a good boyfriend but once you do, it's worth it.
Author Adamgem Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Ha..fair enough. But if at first you don't succeed, try try again. I say keep looking for a decent therapist. Finding a good therapist is just has hard as finding a good boyfriend but once you do, it's worth it. I have tried, on and off, for twenty years. It was nothing but frustration and depression. I find that I am better off without these people in my life. That has just been my experience so far. I am starting to accept that I will live alone for the rest of my life. I am too far removed from what other people seem to consider 'normal'...
Author Adamgem Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Trinity and LFH - why are you discouraging someone from posting here? Are you just waiting for her to be able to receive/send PM's so you can invite her to your site, since this site according to you both, is not supportive? Why are you both here if that is your view? I think it is very wrong and deceitful for both of you to tell a member this site is not a site for support, yet the two of you are here everyday, all day (or so it seems). IF this site isn't meeting your needs, why are you here so much??? OP, you miss him so you are finding an excuse to contact him. You and he can't be friends. Not now, maybe not ever. I think you need to really look inward and ask yourself why you chose to get involved with someone married? Why did you chose to be with someone who according to you, is a very mean and scary person who you ran away from? You posted numerous times you were scared of his reaction to you ending the affair! Don't worry about his ex. She isn't your concern. Your concern is YOU and what is healthy for YOU. I think LS is a good place for you to hear from other FORMER OW who also decided they wanted/deserved more than being a mistress. Seek out those posts - see how much healthier and happier now that they are out of the affair. Just because a couple posters are happy being the OW doesn't mean that is what is right for you. Do you want to give up years of your life being an option to someone when you have made them a priority? Are you okay with being a fall back girl? Are you okay with the man you love having sex with someone else? I think more soul searching is needed for you - only YOU can decide what it is you are willing to do 'for a man'. Only YOU can decide how much you are willing to give up to be the OW. Only YOU can decide if you can deal with the guy you love having sex with someone else. Good luck. I did not chose to get involved with someone married... (I am not sure if you have read my previous posts)? He insisted they were over and still does. He keeps saying he wants to be with me and he wants to keep her happy as she looks after the children and some of his administration......
Pierre Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 In other words, you chose to get involved with a married man. If you don't eventually come to terms with that reality, then you're likely to get involved with another married man. Married is married . . . is married. Relationships with married people always happen inadvertently.:laugh: That is clearly stated in the OW/OM manual.:rolleyes: 2
Owl Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I did not chose to get involved with someone married... (I am not sure if you have read my previous posts)? He insisted they were over and still does. He keeps saying he wants to be with me and he wants to keep her happy as she looks after the children and some of his administration...... OK...I'll accept that you didn't choose to START a relationship with a man who was married. The question is...why are you wanting to CONTINUE a relationship with a man who is married...lied/deceived you about it, and then went on to maintain both relationships and basically create a situation where you felt endangered by him if you were to attempt to end the relationship??????????? It's clearly your call. You've had so much advice here...and yet you continue to find reasons to hesitate. Fair enough...there's nothing left to advise you on. You know what you've been suggested to do here...all that is left at this point is for you to take control of your life, make your own decision, and live your life. Either following the advice you've been given here, or not...as YOU choose. Good luck.
Author Adamgem Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 In other words, you chose to get involved with a married man. If you don't eventually come to terms with that reality, then you're likely to get involved with another married man. Married is married . . . is married. I do not understand why you are writing this. He is NOT married. I do not know how you can not get that. He had a relationship with someone else. They split up. Now they got back together. SHE told me that she wanted him back and she would do anything to get that. He went back to her and tried to hold on to me. I left. How does that make him married??
skywriter Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 I do not understand why you are writing this. He is NOT married. I do not know how you can not get that. He had a relationship with someone else. They split up. Now they got back together. SHE told me that she wanted him back and she would do anything to get that. He went back to her and tried to hold on to me. I left. How does that make him married?? Ok, Adamgem, he isn't married, however, he did go back to her. Anyway.....how are you doing? Still going backwards? 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Ok, Adamgem, he isn't married, however, he did go back to her. Anyway.....how are you doing? Still going backwards? Mostly I am feeling stronger. I have moments where I miss him but then I think about him going back to her and I feel sick. Thank you.
skywriter Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 [QUOTE=Adamgem;4330251]Mostly I am feeling stronger. I have moments where I miss him but then I think about him going back to her and I feel sick. Thank you. (((Adamgem))) Sweetie...you seem too warm a soul to be alone for the rest of your life. I am not the type of woman to allow a man to be close to me easily. I can certainly relate you feeling that you may be alone for the rest of your life. I went nearly six years without a man in my life when I crossed paths with the MM. Little did I know how he would influence everything I believed I wasn't and would never. Just be honest with yourself, because even an A doesn't mean that you aren't alone per say. I realise your dynamics have certainly been differnt from most.
Author Adamgem Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 [QUOTE=Adamgem;4330251]Mostly I am feeling stronger. I have moments where I miss him but then I think about him going back to her and I feel sick. Thank you. (((Adamgem))) Sweetie...you seem too warm a soul to be alone for the rest of your life. I am not the type of woman to allow a man to be close to me easily. I can certainly relate you feeling that you may be alone for the rest of your life. I went nearly six years without a man in my life when I crossed paths with the MM. Little did I know how he would influence everything I believed I wasn't and would never. Just be honest with yourself, because even an A doesn't mean that you aren't alone per say. I realise your dynamics have certainly been differnt from most. I also did not really have a relationship for over ten years. I can not seem to figure out the relationship/men thing. I am curious how your mm influenced you?
skywriter Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I am curious how your mm influenced you? I have a son, at the time he was a teenager. My exMM knew him, and he asked him for help on one of our vehicles. He started coming to our home to help him. Then he would take my son on fishing trips and many other outings. He and my son grew to be very close. My son doesn't know we had an A. athat was my influence, how he treated my son.
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