A bad situation. Any solution ??

[Oknice]

Ok, lets start. Is about this girl ... Me and a colleague started to date. We are in the final year and I don't know how .. we both got a crush on each other. Everything was ok for one month (even though we like each other for more than this ), till this Monday. We seen each other every day, and on weekends. I told her a lot of nice things, she liked me and had confidence in me, so did I, and things were going very well between us. We were like unofficial together to say so. So, this monday, she took my friend phone and checked it. She looked at messages. I was having some jokes there with me saying things about me talking with other girl on facebook, things like rolling with 2 girls and such. They were only words ! Stupid words, words without any action. I didn't do anything like this ! I was joking and talking **** with my friend and that is all. But from that day till now, she is very mad at me and doesn't want to talk.

She sometimes looks at me straight, blank, mad, and then she turns over. Whenever I pass near her, even if she is with a friend talking, she just stops talking .. I can feel she is disappointed. I am too, of myself. I can see on her face that she is sad. When she smiles, its not the real one. But yesterday she made a joke. A teacher asked for a number so that someone to answer to a question, she told my number and laughed. She was looking at me, in my eyes smiling. But .. in the rest of the days .. nothing. Silence.

 

I messaged her, I tried to call her, I said Sorry, I tried to explain. She wont answer. I asked one of her girl friends to tell her, to convince her to have only 5 minutes to talk with me, to settle this. I tried to explain in a text that I care for her, that she is special for me, that she is wonderful for me, that she is the ONE, that I like her, that I regret a lot those words, that I am stupid, that this affects me and YES IT IS. A lot. All of this came from my soul. But ... nothing.

 

I feel bad about this. I feel bad because, yes I said those words that might hurt her a lot, but like I said, there were only stupid words said in stupid moments. My actions, real life actions, were only with her, were only about her, were only towards her and towards our relationship. I had serious thoughts with her.

 

Somehow I feel there is a chance, little one, for her to forgive me, at least partially .. I really want this. Because I really feel for her. How can I make her understand ? I don't know if something will ever come out of this, but at least I want her to know the truth. Ideas, suggestions ?

 

EDIT: Last night I put a picture on instagram, saying: "They told me to make her laugh to get her in love ... but every time she laughs I get in love with her" and she gave a Like, lol. The only person that did this.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Oknice

[NateC]

Sometimes it's only time that will work. Don't seem very clingy and just let it work out on its own.

[River Rain]

Well, I don't know why she took your friend's phone to check up on you, unless she already suspected that you may have been dishonest with her? Or she's very insecure. But her coldness towards you means that what you wrote did really hurt her and she's lost trust in you. Trust is built on positive experiences and quality time with a person. If you really want her back, then you need to rebuild the trust. But at the same time, if she keeps going cold on you, don't be a doormat either and be desperate. If you've told her numerous times that you're sorry and that you want to be with her and she still is holding back, then she sounds like someone who wants to be chased, do you really want that?

[Oknice]

The phone was on the table, opened at the convo with me, my friend was called to wash the dashboard and he let it there. He could at least close it, but he didn't. She was standing one bench behind and took it. I would do that too, just for fun. But this fun .. became a nightmare.

 

I haven't told a lot of times that I am sorry, just like two or three times. I tried to text her, call her, but not abuse it. Just to let her know I am there. Like I said with the instagram picture. Kinda weird to like something that says about love and such when you are mad.

 

I do want her back. I never cheated and would never do this to her, because she is special for me. I was thinking that it is a jealousy crisis ? Or like you said, maybe she is very insecure ?

 

What you say ?

[River Rain]

The phone was on the table, opened at the convo with me, my friend was called to wash the dashboard and he let it there. He could at least close it, but he didn't. She was standing one bench behind and took it. I would do that too, just for fun. But this fun .. became a nightmare.

 

I haven't told a lot of times that I am sorry, just like two or three times. I tried to text her, call her, but not abuse it. Just to let her know I am there. Like I said with the instagram picture. Kinda weird to like something that says about love and such when you are mad.

 

I do want her back. I never cheated and would never do this to her, because she is special for me. I was thinking that it is a jealousy crisis ? Or like you said, maybe she is very insecure ?

 

What you say ?

 

I'm a mature secure woman, and even if my friend's phone were sitting directly in front of me I would NOT grab it and start prying into their private conversations.

 

Two or three times saying you're sorry is too many times if she won't consider you are genuinely honest.

 

I know you are thinking with your heart, but my advice is to just let it go. From an objective viewpoint, you are becoming a doormat to her. I'm sorry but that's how I see it. Don't set yourself up to be hurt, it's not worth it. But you have to do what you think is best right?

[Oknice]

Well, I started to distance myself from this situation, bit by bit, but still keeping an eye on it, if you understand. I was thinking, one more week and so, see if things can get better, if not, I will move on.

 

I am not that type of person to suffer a lot from these things, but this time, I don't know, I just felt very sad and affected me a lot. I felt like I am senteced guilty, with I don't know what penalty, without me doing anything bad or against something, someone, without stating my opinion face to face or at least to be listened. This is what intrigues me a lot. I haven't done anything, I just said some words, stupid joke, but that's it. Everyone can joke with their friend, no ? Only actions speak and my actions were directed only towards her, dating only her, spending time only with her, saying nice words only to her, etc.

 

Sad ...

Edited October 13, 2012 by Oknice
Edit

[River Rain]

Well, I started to distance myself from this situation, bit by bit, but still keeping an eye on it, if you understand. I was thinking, one more week and so, see if things can get better, if not, I will move on.

 

I am not that type of person to suffer a lot from these things, but this time, I don't know, I just felt very sad and affected me a lot. I felt like I am senteced guilty, with I don't know what penalty, without me doing anything bad or against something, someone, without stating my opinion face to face or at least to be listened. This is what intrigues me a lot. I haven't done anything, I just said some words, stupid joke, but that's it. Everyone can joke with their friend, no ? Only actions speak and my actions were directed only towards her, dating only her, spending time only with her, saying nice words only to her, etc.

 

Sad ...

 

It is sad. I felt like I was being punished by my ex the last 3 weeks we were together, he gave me the silent treatment for reasons still unknown to me. I mean, in the end it's because he didn't have the balls to break up with me, but it still hurt me because I wasn't guilty of any wrong doing.

 

You said only actions speak...consider her actions, they speak loudly. It's okay to give yourself a week to see if things change, but don't make my mistake and be desperate to get her back because it only makes the pain worse.

 

Sometimes there are no answers, and we have to accept things as they are. In a week, do yourself a favour and move on. Not only did she invade someone's privacy, she is using mind games to make you feel bad and guilty, she's ignoring you, knowing it is hurting you. People don't often change, and this behaviour would probably continue in the future if you two were together don't you think?

[Oknice]

It is sad. I felt like I was being punished by my ex the last 3 weeks we were together, he gave me the silent treatment for reasons still unknown to me. I mean, in the end it's because he didn't have the balls to break up with me, but it still hurt me because I wasn't guilty of any wrong doing.

 

You said only actions speak...consider her actions, they speak loudly. It's okay to give yourself a week to see if things change, but don't make my mistake and be desperate to get her back because it only makes the pain worse.

 

Sometimes there are no answers, and we have to accept things as they are. In a week, do yourself a favour and move on. Not only did she invade someone's privacy, she is using mind games to make you feel bad and guilty, she's ignoring you, knowing it is hurting you. People don't often change, and this behaviour would probably continue in the future if you two were together don't you think?

 

I feel you.

Well, if you are asking me, it is a dirty, insecure move to check other people phones and such, private conversations, just to find out information. If you really trust a person, such things shouldn't even exist. Only if you see with your own eyes, or hear rumours on cheating and such happening. I find her actions to be like: "Catch me if you can" type. Or trample on your dignity, self esteem and maybe I will think on forgiving you.

 

I thought about this. I talked with some of my friends. They told me to give her some time too. If I want to text her, I shouldn't do hourly, daily .. a text at like 2-3 days ? And let the things flow. As you may know, it is kinda hard to let go. I still have some little faith down there that this situation might turn in a good way, not like before this nightmare happened, but at least .. 20% better than it is now.

 

I even saw her friends being a bit sad, concerned about this situation. Hmm, what you say ?

Edited October 13, 2012 by Oknice
Edit

[River Rain]

I feel you.

Well, if you are asking me, it is a dirty, insecure move to check other people phones and such, private conversations, just to find out information. If you really trust a person, such things shouldn't even exist. Only if you see with your own eyes, or hear rumours on cheating and such happening. I find her actions to be like: "Catch me if you can" type. Or trample on your dignity, self esteem and maybe I will think on forgiving you.

 

I thought about this. I talked with some of my friends. They told me to give her some time too. If I want to text her, I shouldn't do hourly, daily .. a text at like 2-3 days ? And let the things flow. As you may know, it is kinda hard to let go. I still have some little faith down there that this situation might turn in a good way, not like before this nightmare happened, but at least .. 20% better than it is now.

 

I even saw her friends being a bit sad, concerned about this situation. Hmm, what you say ?

 

Having learned the hard way, I'd forget about her, that's my honest opinion. She sounds a little manipulative for my taste. But I'm very direct and honest and I always expect that from the man I'm seeing too. Of course you have faith. I'd say text her one last time maybe, tell her how you feel, then let it fall into her hands. If you don't hear from her in, say...5 days, you know there is no hope and you need to move on to someone who isn't as insecure and non-trusting.

[Oknice]

Having learned the hard way, I'd forget about her, that's my honest opinion. She sounds a little manipulative for my taste. But I'm very direct and honest and I always expect that from the man I'm seeing too. Of course you have faith. I'd say text her one last time maybe, tell her how you feel, then let it fall into her hands. If you don't hear from her in, say...5 days, you know there is no hope and you need to move on to someone who isn't as insecure and non-trusting.

 

5-7 days and that is it, I think. Even so, we are classroom colleagues so we will see each other everyday. This adds that bit of a stress of solving things fast. I was looking in classes at her and sometimes I see her struggling not to look at me ( she is one bench left in front of me ). It is kinda funny though. Looking like she still kinda has feelings but the madness took over her.

 

I am a direct and honest person too. I find this to be the best way to make yourself heard. I like to discuss any problem if I have one with someone, not to hide behind emotions and create somewhat of an invisible wall just not to talk. Sometimes it is healthier for both parties to do this. Settle things down and see if the relationship or so can go on or it should stop there. Maybe she is a little bit immature in feelings ? Or unexperienced .. or just insecure.

[River Rain]

I would say she's emotionally immature. My ex was like that. During our FIRST conflict, he had a tantrum, hung up on me and gave me the silent treatment for days in a row (He was 45 years old btw). If you're in a place where you are emotionally mature, as you seem to be by what you're saying, then you two will never be compatible until she grows up.

 

As for school, that does make things harder, but be strong. You deserve better. Seven days MAXIMUM okay?

[Oknice]

I would say she's emotionally immature. My ex was like that. During our FIRST conflict, he had a tantrum, hung up on me and gave me the silent treatment for days in a row (He was 45 years old btw). If you're in a place where you are emotionally mature, as you seem to be by what you're saying, then you two will never be compatible until she grows up.

 

As for school, that does make things harder, but be strong. You deserve better. Seven days MAXIMUM okay?

 

Kinda surprising for a man at that age to act like this, no ?

 

Yeah, 7 days maximum and thats it. Was thinking now what to tell her exactly in this last text, something to put her in a thoughtful mode or such, you understand.

 

Its funny that we somehow communicate with these instagram photos. If I post one, after an hour or such, she puts one too and so on. Its like a non verbal communication, where you use your mind, your speculation abilities to understand the message. Like you said, mind games. Pretty damn mind games, I must say. Not funny though.

[River Rain]

Kinda surprising for a man at that age to act like this, no ?

 

Yeah, 7 days maximum and thats it. Was thinking now what to tell her exactly in this last text, something to put her in a thoughtful mode or such, you understand.

 

Its funny that we somehow communicate with these instagram photos. If I post one, after an hour or such, she puts one too and so on. Its like a non verbal communication, where you use your mind, your speculation abilities to understand the message. Like you said, mind games. Pretty damn mind games, I must say. Not funny though.

 

No, the instagrams may be interesting, but it's not real communication, there's no real connection there. I think you're being smart about things. Once you try to take your heart out of the immediate urgency, your mind takes over and you can see red flags. Of course it hurts, nobody wants to be rejected, but we always have to remember that we deserve to be treated well.

 

Yeah, my ex was very immature emotionally - age doesn't make a man (or woman) mature. I just had bad luck, but it taught me that any guy I'm with in the future who gives me the silent treatment, well, it's zero tolerance because it's just too immature for me.

[Oknice]

I sense that you have life experience about this. It is really good. I wanted to ask you, if you can tell me from your perspective .. There were numerous times I got friendzoned by the girls I like. Sadly, happens to all men. You can understand the feeling, you like the girl, you make her your No.1, you talk wtih her etc etc and then you get the cold shoulder from her and the rejection and putting you in the "friend" category, leaving you sad, mad, angry, heart broken, etc.

 

Every time this happened, I couldn't take it, couldn't take to be just friends. So I cut off every contact, talking and so and just disappear. Surprisingly they are the ones that after some time, came after me, telling me they miss me, they want to be with me and such.

 

Why this happens ? And they find like the worst times to do this, lol.

[River Rain]

I sense that you have life experience about this. It is really good. I wanted to ask you, if you can tell me from your perspective .. There were numerous times I got friendzoned by the girls I like. Sadly, happens to all men. You can understand the feeling, you like the girl, you make her your No.1, you talk wtih her etc etc and then you get the cold shoulder from her and the rejection and putting you in the "friend" category, leaving you sad, mad, angry, heart broken, etc.

 

Every time this happened, I couldn't take it, couldn't take to be just friends. So I cut off every contact, talking and so and just disappear. Surprisingly they are the ones that after some time, came after me, telling me they miss me, they want to be with me and such.

 

Why this happens ? And they find like the worst times to do this, lol.

 

Women get friendzoned too, and it really hurts when you start having loving feelings for the other person. Who knows why this happens. I mean, I had to "friendzone" a guy I recently met. But I was very clear with him that I'd just come off a breakup and didn't want to jump into another one. He didn't pay attention to that and kept coming on to me, until finally I had to tell him, I think we should just be friends if you want to because I don't want a relationship right now. He ended up going cold on me, but what could I do? I wasn't leading him on or anything. I think that he was seeing my friendly nature as more than it was because he had stronger feelings than I did.

 

On the other hand, I've been friendzoned, and to be honest, I don't want to continue being friends with someone who rejected me. Not out of bitterness, but simply because it would remind me of the hurt too much, so I break contact too.

 

I think that if a girl comes back to you after saying she just wants to be your friend, it's because she just wants to be your friend. Or her situation has changed and she's available for a romance now. I doubt it's because you broke off all contact, a lot of people think that's what happens, like...you ignore her so she wants you. Maybe with insecure girls that's the case, but in general it was probably just the timing. She probably thinks your a great guy, but wasn't ready for romance when you were. You just never really know 100% why people do what they do!

[Oknice]

Uhm, I have some good news. I sent her a last text message, as I said here. This was last night. I got an answer from her saying things like "rolling with 2 girls, you just lost one" and like this. So this morning I sent her one again .. she replied that we have nothing to talk anymore.

 

Then I talked with a friend and he told me to send her a text saying everything I got on my soul about her. It was during a class when I did this. When she started to read, I was watching closely and saw that she was literally hit by what I said there. She was emotioned a lot, almost dropped a tear if I saw closely. But didn't answer.

 

Then, after the last class finished, I went outside and was waiting for a friend. She was walking towards me and I thought 'oh, here she comes and passes by'. Was looking at her and she told me, surprisingly, to stop looking at her like that and she started to smile and giggle. She was, how to say, very stressed, emotionally stressed about this. We exchanged some more words, she asked me who I was waiting, she was smiling and I could see that she couldn't control her emotions. And after that we left.

 

Uhm .. it is something. What you say ?

[River Rain]

Uhm, I have some good news. I sent her a last text message, as I said here. This was last night. I got an answer from her saying things like "rolling with 2 girls, you just lost one" and like this. So this morning I sent her one again .. she replied that we have nothing to talk anymore.

 

Then I talked with a friend and he told me to send her a text saying everything I got on my soul about her. It was during a class when I did this. When she started to read, I was watching closely and saw that she was literally hit by what I said there. She was emotioned a lot, almost dropped a tear if I saw closely. But didn't answer.

 

Then, after the last class finished, I went outside and was waiting for a friend. She was walking towards me and I thought 'oh, here she comes and passes by'. Was looking at her and she told me, surprisingly, to stop looking at her like that and she started to smile and giggle. She was, how to say, very stressed, emotionally stressed about this. We exchanged some more words, she asked me who I was waiting, she was smiling and I could see that she couldn't control her emotions. And after that we left.

 

Uhm .. it is something. What you say ?

 

Honestly? It still sounds like she's treating this like a cat and mouse game. What does your instinct tell you? I just wouldn't want you to get hurt. When you pour your heart out to someone, it's natural that they get an instant emotional reaction, but when time goes by, you never know.

 

I did the same, I poured my heart out to the ex, and he responded very positively at first, even saying he loved me and wanted us to be together forever. Then a week later he dumped me by email.

 

I would just be careful, based on her previous behaviour, be cautious. If she continues to be nice with you, then still take things slowly. But if she goes cold on you again, save yourself any further heartache and find a girl who will treat you well. Just my advice!

[Oknice]

To say it like this, half of my instinct tells me to just wait a little bit more, the other half tells me What the *** I am still waiting for and don't get over it. So yeah, I will do this and just get over, step by step.

 

You know that feeling of regret, when you really want to build something nice, you take care and put a lot of effort in it, and everything just collapses in a second because of a missing piece or by a simple mistake .. same thing happened. She didn't answer to what I said in that text, I might just go and tell her face to face and if there is not an answer coming out ... case closed for ever.

 

Life is tough, isn't it ? But I think that experiences like these do good for future. You can learn a lot from this. And that is what I am doing right now. Am I right ?

[River Rain]

To say it like this, half of my instinct tells me to just wait a little bit more, the other half tells me What the *** I am still waiting for and don't get over it. So yeah, I will do this and just get over, step by step.

 

You know that feeling of regret, when you really want to build something nice, you take care and put a lot of effort in it, and everything just collapses in a second because of a missing piece or by a simple mistake .. same thing happened. She didn't answer to what I said in that text, I might just go and tell her face to face and if there is not an answer coming out ... case closed for ever.

 

Life is tough, isn't it ? But I think that experiences like these do good for future. You can learn a lot from this. And that is what I am doing right now. Am I right ?

 

Life can be tough, especially during times like this, when you want something more than the other person...but with time, you'll look back and say "phewf!" that you didn't lower your standards to beg for her attention. Going through these situations do teach us what we really want out of a love interest I think. I was willing to settle for my ex, but now I'm so glad we're not together because I would have been miserable.

 

People who play those hot/cold games...it messes with your self-esteem. You basically feel like you've been kicked down to the ground, then they offer you a little hope and you feel awesome again, just to be kicked down again. I certainly lost my confidence in my last relationship. But now I've regained it, and learned not to ever let that happen again.

 

Just a little more advice...don't go face to face, just stop contact. Every time you try to connect with her and she goes cold on you, it's keeps you in that moment of hurt. It's hard, I know, I wanted to lash out at the ex and tell him all the reasons that he hurt me, but in the end, it's better to keep my dignity and just move on. The no contact really works, at least it did for me. It took me about 5 weeks to really start moving on, but each day got easier!

 

If you see her, just keep walking and try to be social with other girls!