How can they love you one day to not loving you the next?

[Sarah89]

My ex boyfriend of a year and 4 months broke up with me 5 days ago. I'm finding things really difficult. I went to see him last Saturday and I was getting ready to go out (I was a bit late) and he rang me 3 times and sent me numerous text messages asking where I was. He obviously cared then, so I replied saying that I was sorry I was late and I was on my way and when I arrived he had made me toast and tea (my favourite). We had a good day out shopping and went out for a meal together and he was lovely throughout the whole day.

However, he didn't see me on Sunday but we spoke through text and he was saying many nice things and calling me "babe" as usual. But the next day at college was a complete turn around, yeah he was being his usual self towards me and all seemed fine to me. But as we were walking home I invited him in to my house and he told me that he no longer wants to be in a relationship as he's lost feelings towards me. It was very difficult and we were both in tears and he was giving me hugs. Does that really happen? What's the true reason? You surely can't fall out of love just like that. I'm at nc nearly with him, he speaks to me during college and smiles at me often.

[not-a-drive-by]

Hi Sarah

 

I guess the answer is that they have 'checked out' of the relationship weeks or months ago without us knowing. Although it seems like it is out of the blue that they just fell out of love with us over a few days, it's not true. It's always as a shock to us as they tend not to forewarn us of the problems they are dealing with. They try to solve it by themselves, and when they can't find the solution, they distance themselves or put up a facade that they still love us, then when they feel they are ready, they break it off with us. Or simply, we don't see the red flags or choose to ignore them. I find it really cruel of dumpers who do that. They don't communicate that there is a problem and give us an opportunity to work on it together.

 

I was in your shoes 4 months ago. You seem to be doing much better than I did.

[Sarah89]

Hi Sarah

 

I guess the answer is that they have 'checked out' of the relationship weeks or months ago without us knowing. Although it seems like it is out of the blue that they just fell out of love with us over a few days, it's not true. It's always as a shock to us as they tend not to forewarn us of the problems they are dealing with. They try to solve it by themselves, and when they can't find the solution, they distance themselves or put up a facade that they still love us, then when they feel they are ready, they break it off with us. Or simply, we don't see the red flags or choose to ignore them. I find it really cruel of dumpers who do that. They don't communicate that there is a problem and give us an opportunity to work on it together.

 

I was in your shoes 4 months ago. You seem to be doing much better than I did.

 

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking maybe he'd fallen out of love a few weeks ago but I just wasn't sure. To be honest I just want him back, sadly. I'd just want to work on the situation. People have been telling me to leave him to it as he will miss me and realise what he's lost. I don't know though.

How did you react in your situation?

[dreamstate83]

Hey Sarah, I just wanted to post my experience with actually getting people back. Every long term relationship that I was on the receiving end of a breakup, they have always come back after a few months when they realized how I treated them. Sometimes it took them being with other people, and sometimes it took them time to break down their own stubborn nature.

 

The trouble is that by that time I had already moved on or didn't want them back anymore. That's why you have to start moving on! If he wants to be with you he knows how to get in touch with you.

[not-a-drive-by]

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking maybe he'd fallen out of love a few weeks ago but I just wasn't sure. To be honest I just want him back, sadly. I'd just want to work on the situation. People have been telling me to leave him to it as he will miss me and realise what he's lost. I don't know though.

How did you react in your situation?

 

He was my first love, so I've never experienced a break up before, neither did I expect us to ever break up. I thought we would be forever. So naive, right? I had to learn the hard way that nothing is forever.

 

I didn't know how to deal with it. Everything was so surreal. I did everything that was wrong in the books - I cried and begged for another chance. I went back the very next morning after the break up and asked him to take back his word. But of course, he didn't. He offered me friendship, and I tried to take it. At first, he was still texting me the first few weeks and willing to talk over the phone. But the friendship didn't work because he could see how much I was still in love with him. He cut contact from me a month ago and ignored my texts.

 

So here I am, 4 months after break up and 1 month NC, still missing him. I still want another chance with him, as I still love him. But we probably haven't spent enough time apart for anything to have changed. I am hoping that with me out of his life, he will start to appreciate what we had together and miss me. I really don't have much choice other than NC at this stage. And I know I am not ready to contact him.

[Sarah89]

Hey Sarah, I just wanted to post my experience with actually getting people back. Every long term relationship that I was on the receiving end of a breakup, they have always come back after a few months when they realized how I treated them. Sometimes it took them being with other people, and sometimes it took them time to break down their own stubborn nature.

 

The trouble is that by that time I had already moved on or didn't want them back anymore. That's why you have to start moving on! If he wants to be with you he knows how to get in touch with you.

 

Thank you. I treated my ex very well (buying him things most days after college and taking him out, he rarely took me out). And he is very stubborn. I'm trying my best to move on at the moment but it's only been 5 days so of course I'm finding it difficult. He knows he can talk to me about anything, but I'm also worried about our NC at the moment. I know NC is better for me though.

I'm out tonight to go and see friends and I know he is going out to see old friends (who he always used to go and see with me, but tonight he's going alone) maybe he'll begin to realise?

[Sarah89]

He was my first love, so I've never experienced a break up before, neither did I expect us to ever break up. I thought we would be forever. So naive, right? I had to learn the hard way that nothing is forever.

 

I didn't know how to deal with it. Everything was so surreal. I did everything that was wrong in the books - I cried and begged for another chance. I went back the very next morning after the break up and asked him to take back his word. But of course, he didn't. He offered me friendship, and I tried to take it. At first, he was still texting me the first few weeks and willing to talk over the phone. But the friendship didn't work because he could see how much I was still in love with him. He cut contact from me a month ago and ignored my texts.

 

So here I am, 4 months after break up and 1 month NC, still missing him. I still want another chance with him, as I still love him. But we probably haven't spent enough time apart for anything to have changed. I am hoping that with me out of his life, he will start to appreciate what we had together and miss me. I really don't have much choice other than NC at this stage. And I know I am not ready to contact him.

 

My situation sounds very similar to yours. This relationship I've just come out of felt like it was going to last way longer, to me anyway. I felt like doing what you did, I felt like begging him to take me back but somehow I stopped myself. I spoke to him 2 days after the break up telling him how I feel at the moment, I said to him that I'm finding things very difficult and that I still love him. I also said (and I thought saying this was stupid but I had to say it) that if he wanted to get back with me then he can just come and tell me.

 

I keep crying and I've gone off my food slightly. Silly really over a guy who dumped me, and he seems perfectly fine. I've decided to go NC as he just wants to be friends and I'm not ready for that right now. I keep telling myself that I can do it and that I'm going to be absolutely fine.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Sarah89

[dreamstate83]

Thank you. I treated my ex very well (buying him things most days after college and taking him out, he rarely took me out). And he is very stubborn. I'm trying my best to move on at the moment but it's only been 5 days so of course I'm finding it difficult. He knows he can talk to me about anything, but I'm also worried about our NC at the moment. I know NC is better for me though.

I'm out tonight to go and see friends and I know he is going out to see old friends (who he always used to go and see with me, but tonight he's going alone) maybe he'll begin to realise?

 

If he is stubborn, I don't want to get your hopes up. It may take quite awhile before he realizes, if he does at all. What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that they never come back if you are there fighting to be with them. The dumper is almost always prepared to see that kind of behavior out of the person they are dumping so it just gets written off.

 

Going no contact gives them a chance to really miss you. Even if you go NC for 7 days but then you message them, it robs them of any opportunity to miss you at all.

 

I won't say I don't believe in second chances. Everyone makes mistakes and there are some incredibly happy married couples that separated at one point. What I will say is that the only way that ever happens is if you recognize your relationship is dead. It's gone. That relationship will NEVER be back. You wouldn't want it to anyways (it did lead to a breakup after all!). Move on and continue living your life. An ex that still believes there is a chance will only come back when they feel like they might lose you for good.

 

Just remember you aren't alone! I'm on the second month myself.

[Sarah89]

If he is stubborn, I don't want to get your hopes up. It may take quite awhile before he realizes, if he does at all. What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that they never come back if you are there fighting to be with them. The dumper is almost always prepared to see that kind of behavior out of the person they are dumping so it just gets written off.

 

Going no contact gives them a chance to really miss you. Even if you go NC for 7 days but then you message them, it robs them of any opportunity to miss you at all.

 

I won't say I don't believe in second chances. Everyone makes mistakes and there are some incredibly happy married couples that separated at one point. What I will say is that the only way that ever happens is if you recognize your relationship is dead. It's gone. That relationship will NEVER be back. You wouldn't want it to anyways (it did lead to a breakup after all!). Move on and continue living your life. An ex that still believes there is a chance will only come back when they feel like they might lose you for good.

 

Just remember you aren't alone! I'm on the second month myself.

 

That's made me feel much better. His best friend has been talking to me and giving me advice about what I should do, he told me to give him about a week or so for him to miss me. However my ex still sees me at college everyday, how can he miss me if he sees me everyday?

[not-a-drive-by]

That's made me feel much better. His best friend has been talking to me and giving me advice about what I should do, he told me to give him about a week or so for him to miss me. However my ex still sees me at college everyday, how can he miss me if he sees me everyday?

 

It might take more than a week or two for him to miss you. I'd say give it at least a month or two.

 

You already told him that you are finding it difficult to cope, so he should respect that give you some space. If he sees you around and greets you, you only need to greet back to be polite. He shouldn't be expecting anymore than that and really should understand why the conversation won't go any further. By doing this and not dwelling further into conversations, he will have a chance to miss you. He should start to wonder what you are up to, or how you are doing. But if you give him more than a greeting and be best buds, there won't be a chance for him to miss you, especially if you see each other every day.

 

Just my thoughts about it .

[Sarah89]

It might take more than a week or two for him to miss you. I'd say give it at least a month or two.

 

You already told him that you are finding it difficult to cope, so he should respect that give you some space. If he sees you around and greets you, you only need to greet back to be polite. He shouldn't be expecting anymore than that and really should understand why the conversation won't go any further. By doing this and not dwelling further into conversations, he will have a chance to miss you. He should start to wonder what you are up to, or how you are doing. But if you give him more than a greeting and be best buds, there won't be a chance for him to miss you, especially if you see each other every day.

 

Just my thoughts about it .

 

Thank you, that's helped me out loads. Ever since I've told him I need space to myself he hasn't been greeting or smiling at me anymore, so he must respect my decision. The holidays are coming up soon and I think my friends are going to organise gatherings (where he'll be at too) so maybe then will be a good time for him to talk to me. I'll keep NC for the next month or two, see what happens.

 

Also, just to add that I find it strange how one of my ex's best friends is asking me about how I feel towards my ex him and whether I think we'd get back together... opinions on that?

[not-a-drive-by]

Also, just to add that I find it strange how one of my ex's best friends is asking me about how I feel towards my ex him and whether I think we'd get back together... opinions on that?

 

Are you close friends with your ex's friend? If yes, then he might be seeing if your ex's decision has affected anything between you and him.

 

OR

 

Do you feel that your ex has asked his best friend to ask you that question? If they were talking, your ex would've told him that you still love him and waiting for him to act if he wants you back. If that is the case, and since you have initiated NC, probably to see if he still has you on the line.

 

But who knows? I may be completely wrong, and the friend is just curious. I don't think you need to read into it too much. I guess you could tell that friend, it takes two to make the relationship to work again. So even if you would like to get back together, you will need your ex to work with you. He'd probably run back to your ex with whatever answer you give him. What message do you want to send?

 

Or easier, "none of your business :P".

Edited October 13, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[Sarah89]

Are you close friends with your ex's friend? If yes, then he might be seeing if your ex's decision has affected anything between you and him.

 

OR

 

Do you feel that your ex has asked his best friend to ask you that question? If they were talking, your ex would've told him that you still love him and waiting for him to act if he wants you back. If that is the case, and since you have initiated NC, probably to see if he still has you on the line.

 

But who knows? I may be completely wrong, and the friend is just curious. I don't think you need to read into it too much. I guess you could tell that friend, it takes two to make the relationship to work again. So even if you would like to get back together, you will need your ex to work with you. He'd probably run back to your ex with whatever answer you give him. What message do you want to send?

 

Or easier, "none of your business :P".

 

Haha "none of your business :P" yeah I'm close to my exs best friend, I think he might just be curious. But I said the right things to him so if he goes back and tells my ex then it's nothing bad. I pretty much told him what you said, it takes two to make the relationship work again.

 

Also, I needed to add this. A few months ago my ex (who was then my boyfriend) told me that he needed space. I gave him space but a couple days later he went out drinking with his friends and he was texting me. He was reasonably tipsy (I wouldn't say drunk) and he came to my house telling me that he's sorry and he shouldn't of asked for space. He's going out drinking tonight, I'm curious if this will happen again but in a different way. He's usually loving when he's been drinking, I will just have to wait and see. :/

[dreamstate83]

Haha "none of your business :P" yeah I'm close to my exs best friend, I think he might just be curious. But I said the right things to him so if he goes back and tells my ex then it's nothing bad. I pretty much told him what you said, it takes two to make the relationship work again.

 

Also, I needed to add this. A few months ago my ex (who was then my boyfriend) told me that he needed space. I gave him space but a couple days later he went out drinking with his friends and he was texting me. He was reasonably tipsy (I wouldn't say drunk) and he came to my house telling me that he's sorry and he shouldn't of asked for space. He's going out drinking tonight, I'm curious if this will happen again but in a different way. He's usually loving when he's been drinking, I will just have to wait and see. :/

 

Well when someone breaks up with you "out of the blue" it's usually something they've spent a lot of time thinking about. It sounds like he's wanted to do it for awhile but wasn't sure. Best to give him the time he needs to be sure! The extra tricky part about this situation and his behavior is that he may try to get back with you before he is actually ready to. Don't fall for it, because it's a legitimate issue that needs to be resolved before a reconciliation could be anything but a failure.

 

The reason most people that get back with their ex end up breaking up again is usually because they convince themselves that the problems have been corrected and the decisions are solid when they really aren't. If he does ever contact you back (especially if it's in the first two months) it's VITAL that you guys have a really long discussion about this.

 

But again, it's important that you get the idea of reconciliation out of your head for now. I made a post a few days ago that you may get something out of from reading: Are You Struggling? Read This!

[Sarah89]

Well when someone breaks up with you "out of the blue" it's usually something they've spent a lot of time thinking about. It sounds like he's wanted to do it for awhile but wasn't sure. Best to give him the time he needs to be sure! The extra tricky part about this situation and his behavior is that he may try to get back with you before he is actually ready to. Don't fall for it, because it's a legitimate issue that needs to be resolved before a reconciliation could be anything but a failure.

 

The reason most people that get back with their ex end up breaking up again is usually because they convince themselves that the problems have been corrected and the decisions are solid when they really aren't. If he does ever contact you back (especially if it's in the first two months) it's VITAL that you guys have a really long discussion about this.

 

But again, it's important that you get the idea of reconciliation out of your head for now. I made a post a few days ago that you may get something out of from reading: Are You Struggling? Read This!

 

Yeah I completely understand that, in my opinion I think he's been very confused about our relationship for a few weeks now. I'll read your guide, thank you

 

Also I see him at college and I walk home with him and his friends (I don't want to leave his friends as they're mine too) I don't speak to him or look at him but would him seeing me so much decrease the chances of him wanting to get back together?

[dreamstate83]

Yeah I completely understand that, in my opinion I think he's been very confused about our relationship for a few weeks now. I'll read your guide, thank you

 

Also I see him at college and I walk home with him and his friends (I don't want to leave his friends as they're mine too) I don't speak to him or look at him but would him seeing me so much decrease the chances of him wanting to get back together?

 

It could decrease it, but there are a lot of variables at play so it's hard to say one way or the other. Unfortunately, the only method to get them to come back to you is also the method to get over them. As previously stated, the times I was dumped and left emotionally unwell for months and months they ended up coming back eventually but it was always too late for me. All I wanted was to get them back, and when the opportunity finally came and they called up saying the magic words - all I could do was say no.

 

Such is life~

[JustALittleBit]

Dreamstate, do you know why your ladies left and then came back? ie. what made them leave, what made them come back? And is it different for men or is it the same dynamics?

 

I'm in NC, trying to move on. I guess I'm just curious about whether he will want back in or not (ideally he will and I'll say no and get the ego boost ... I only broke up because he wasn't into the relationship anymore). But yeah I just wonder what he will do. I tend to think 'they always come back' when you have treated them well (which I did). But interestingly, the time apart has made me think we aren't right for each other... it's taught me what I value in a relationship and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have the main quality I value (honesty, strong values... not just taking the easy way out).

 

Anyway just interested in your thoughts. Also I imagine you are older than me, I am young 20s if that changes anything.

[dreamstate83]

Dreamstate, do you know why your ladies left and then came back? ie. what made them leave, what made them come back? And is it different for men or is it the same dynamics?

 

I'm in NC, trying to move on. I guess I'm just curious about whether he will want back in or not (ideally he will and I'll say no and get the ego boost ... I only broke up because he wasn't into the relationship anymore). But yeah I just wonder what he will do. I tend to think 'they always come back' when you have treated them well (which I did). But interestingly, the time apart has made me think we aren't right for each other... it's taught me what I value in a relationship and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have the main quality I value (honesty, strong values... not just taking the easy way out).

 

Anyway just interested in your thoughts. Also I imagine you are older than me, I am young 20s if that changes anything.

 

I'll be 29 in a couple of weeks, so not too far ahead. Honestly what I've found to be the case in my experience it's always been due to one of the following:

 

1) Lack of relationship experience: (I like to call this one "Sunshine and rainbows". At your age and even at my age, people who lack the experience in relationships can find the smallest thing and take it as a sign that you can't have a healthy relationship. ("Oh no, he's not into country music!"). Those with lack of relationship experience typically end up shopping around before realizing they had a good thing.

 

2) Lack of faith: these are the ones that notice something they don't like but don't talk about it because they believe it's something that can't be fixed with discussion. They spend a great deal of time convincing themselves that the only answer is to breakup. They usually come back around when they see that the issue was indeed fixable (example: my ex fiance when i was around 20 didn't believe that my future was going anywhere because I had low paying jobs. We broke up, and then eventually she hunted me down when she realized I actually did have plans for my future.)

 

3) Uncertainty: This I found to be the most common. Some people just don't know what they want. Rather than continue a relationship that they aren't certain about, they dump you and take a step back to see how they feel about it.

 

In all cases, as long as you treated them right and there were more good memories than bad ones there is a "chance" that they will come after you down the road.

 

As for whether it's different or not, this is what I know from my own male perspective: When I broke up with someone, I was literally done. There were no emotions or regrets or crying or uncertainty. Nothing they could ever do or say would have fixed the relationship. I might be biased though, because I only ever breakup with someone if I no longer carry feelings for them. I'd rather work on fixing the problems than assuming they can't be corrected.

 

I think the biggest mistake people make (including myself) when it comes to relationships is that people forget themselves and lose track of who they are as an individual. That's what I find to lead to the most problems. I wrote about it in the article I linked somewhere in a previous post here.

 

Another thing I want to say about potential reconciliations: I want to reiterate to not get your hopes up. If you hope that someone comes back to you, then you are preventing the process of getting yourself back and healing. It's a lot like trying to get back into dancing with two broken legs - it just isn't going to work and if you try you may end up unable to walk again.

Edited October 13, 2012 by dreamstate83