Red0781 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I welcome any advice or commentary in my situation. I have recently broken up with an girl I have dated exclusively for over 3 years. She is 24 and I am 23. We have had a few bumps in the road and what not, but this time I think we are over for good. Unfortunately I asked for the breakup and every time I ask for space, shortly after I feel like maybe I was asking too much out of her in the relationship, but the same problems always come up in the future. For the first year or so, the relationship was near perfect in my eyes. We regularly had sex, we had an extremely strong friendship and even considered each other best friends. I really was sure that we were going to get married one day. But things like that are part of the problem. Her parents divorced while she was in her early teens I believe and she is very afraid that if she ever gets married that it will end in divorce. Because of this, she is very much against marriage, and she has also expressed disinterest in ever having children as well. At first these fears were not really apparent, she rarely expresses her feelings to anyone, unfortunately, and she only really started expressing these feelings about a year and a half ago, I'd say. At first I figured it was just a phase, but it seems to be getting worse. At times, she seemed disinterested in having a relationship with me, but when questioned about it, she very decisively responded that she loves me more than anything. Another concern is that over the last year the amount of times we have sex has drastically declined. At the start of the relationship it seemed like it was at least a few times per week, and towards the end it was at the most once per month. She has even gradually declined in physical health, gaining weight as well as personal hygiene, such as bikini area shaving, etc. Nothing that would make me love her less at all, but just a sign that she doesn't care about her physical appearance as much as she used to. We both still live with our parents and I feel like maybe she feels she does not have enough space to herself, but she has also discussed moving out on her own and has had the opportunity to for many months, as well as the monetary resources, but still chooses not to move out. (Sorry for this post being so long, but she means more to me than anything) Now that I asked for us to break up, it seems that she is not interested in getting back together, and she even made the comment that every time I asked for space it pushed her away, is the way I took her comments. I think a major issue on my part is that we have conflicting schedules, and evenw hen given the opportunity, she doesn't make much of an effort to see me when her schedule permits, whereas I would. Also a major problem with no possibility of marriage really discourages me at times. I left it with her that after a few months if she wants to discuss getting back together, to let me know and we can talk about it. We have hung out a few times since the breakup, but I just get upset thinking about her. She says that she thinks it is over for good because she can't really commit like I would like her to, not necessarily marriage, but just the hope that one day it is a possibility if things stayed working out well. The other thing that bothers me is she some what hinted at the fact that she might be interested in dating soon, this may be me reading to much into her comments, but she says things like "would it matter if I hooked up with another guy" etc. This makes me wonder a lot because this doesn't seem like her at all. I don't know whether to wait it out and see if she gives us any thought or whether to just call it quits. I don't want to call it quits if this is not necessary and I am even open to making some changes to make her feel more satisfied about our relationships, but I feel she would not give much feedback, because in the past she hasn't even when directly asked for feedback. PLEASE HELP SAVE US!
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 In my opinion it takes more than just love to make a relationship work and as you age you will understand what I'm saying. This isn't an insult on your age; I just remember how I viewed life and relationships when I was twenty-four compared to how I view relationships at thirty. It is important that both parties want a compatible lifestyle in order for the relationship to be successful. Knowing that your girlfriend doesn't want to get married or have children you need to either accept that and pursue the relationship with the understanding that she will never marry and you will never have children. If this is not acceptable to you then you need to consider the possibility that this isn't the best relationship for you. It takes a lot of work to make a relationship last and just because it was good for a few years it doesn't mean that this is the type of relationship that will last a lifetime. There is a reason why you keep asking for space and I think if you looked deep inside and thought about what you really wanted from life you would be able to determine whether or not you want to pursue this relationship.
Red0781 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I agree it does take work, and I have even said this to her. It's always been me willing to make changes or sacrifices for the sake of the relationship, because I don't believe in the all you need is love philosophy. And thank you for the insight on the needing space issues. That is a very god point and I will think about that a little bit more. I think this is a duplicate topic as well, on my fault, so please go to http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44325/ to comment
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