What the hell was this guy's deal?

[Gypsie]

There was this guy I was seeing for two and a half months. I thought things were going well with us. We were already being intimate as well. The chemistry between us was amazing.

 

I bring up a month into it what he thought about us and he complimented me and said “I will see where it goes.” I did not question him more about it because I did not want to pressure him into anything and just left it at that. Thinking he meant he wanted to take things slow. I also mention to him that I did not want a casual thing and he did not say anything to that so I thought all was good. He understood what I meant by that.

 

A month and a half later he tells me that he does not want commitment. I mention to him if this is a friends with benefits thing. I do not want to be a part of it. Then he ends it with me.

 

I thought WTF? I told him (only once) that I did not want casual sex and here he was saying that he did not want a relationship. After I specifically told him I did not want to be casual.

 

I now feel like he lied to me and led me that whole month and a half, making me think he wanted something more then just sex. I actually do remember him saying before that this was not just about sex to him but why would he tell me he does not want commitment or a relationship if it was not just about sex?

 

I had only asked him two questions about this. Because I was not upfront about things before we started getting intimate. It just happened. Just can’t believe things turned out the way they did and just wonder if this was not just about sex. Then what was it?

 

Just wish things could just go back to the way they were before all this happened and we could start again but now we are not even talking to each other because apparently “we are not on the same page” according to him.

Frustrated, hurt and confused by it all. Any opinions on this would be good! It really felt right with him when things were good. Just don’t know how things got messed up all of a sudden like that!

[gamman]

Hi. Sorry this happened to you.

 

This is a problem of poor communication and poor boundaries.

 

Get clear-cut answers, and let your boundaries be clearly known. Don't sleep with a guy until you communicate clearly, get those clear-cut answers, and make your boundaries known. Do not make assumptions when it comes to things like this. Remember, actions are just as loud as words. Enforce your boundaries.

 

Your boundaries are that you don't want to be a FWB, you want a relationship. Stick to those boundaries and don't sleep with a guy until you have a commitment or feel that the relationship has progressed to where you are both serious. Talk about this openly. Where are each of you in the relationship? What are your hopes, needs, wishes? Communication is so important.

 

I don't know if he really lied, but it was definitely shady. He told you that he would see how it went. It went for a little bit, and he didn't like it. The problem is that you were sleeping with him during this time..... Don't do that.

 

Trust me, the guys who really want to be with you in a committed relationship and want to get to know you, will respect your boundaries and develop something with you and take some time before getting intimate.

 

The guys who won't.... well, it's a good way to weed out the guys who want a relationship from the guys who just want to sleep with you.

 

I hope the above doesn't sound harsh. I know what happened sucks and hurts. Just try to keep your head up and learn from it. You deserve a better guy than this one. This is a blessing in disguise.

Edited October 13, 2012 by gamman

[Gypsie]

I have thought this as well. About the poor communication and boundary thing. I just wish that I had brought up what I had wanted sooner.

 

Really did think that I slept with him too soon as well.

 

No I don't think you sounded harsh. I actually agree that the whole thing with this guy. It did seem shady.

 

Hence my reaction to it and why I felt the need to speak up when I did in the end. I just did not want to put up with the confusion anymore. It was doing my head in.

 

Especially when it really did seem like he liked and cared for me. But worked out looking back at it now that he was only dating me and getting to know me just to be nice and polite so that he gets what he wants. .

 

Just can't believe that guy's in their mid 30's can still behave like this.

 

Yes. Well. Weeded out another dud. Duds are all I seem to keep meeting lately. It sux. Really did think when I first met him that he seemed like a decent guy. Shakes head.

 

Know to be more upfront with what I want next time.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Gypsie

[gamman]

I don't know. I think you did pretty well actually (not that I should sit here and judge, but...). I mean, yes it went on for two months, and you didn't start it the way you really wanted, but you recognized that fact and got out quickly as soon as you saw it wasn't what you wanted. That's also key. Recognizing this stuff, and knowing when/how to get out. A lot of people struggle with that. It can be difficult.

 

The whole sleeping with him too soon, that comes back to your boundaries.

 

Also, there are plenty of good guys out there, too. Don't get discouraged!

 

Oh, and having boundaries and being a good communicator is sexy.

Edited October 13, 2012 by gamman

[Gypsie]

No it wasn't what I wanted and it was difficult for me because I really liked him.

 

Something that he was probably counting on perhaps to use to his advantage.

 

But glad that did not stop me from expressing my thoughts and what I wanted in the end.

 

It just still hurts though when I think about the guy though.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Once he said we'll see where it goes, it should've been a flag for you right then and there to get to the bottom of what exactly he meant.

 

I really just can't wrap my mind around how sometimes women consistently want to "see where it goes"...who taught you that? where did you learn to handle romance...dare I call it that, in this way? is someone supposed to be half-interested? at some point do you think man's light switch is going to click on and he's going to say "oh wow, I really do want a long-term relationship with you! wow, that was so crazy, it just wasn't working for some reason but today I saw an owl soaring over the blue tinted sky and then I just knew, I just knew you were the one for me baby!"

 

You can't expect the world or men to revolve around you and your feelings, you've got to find out what you need to do, you need to do the work and ask the questions...why is this so hard to do? If they run away then they didn't want anything long-term? so do you just want to develop more emotions for him knowing that he doesn't even really want to be with you?

 

This is the part where emotions can completely overwhelm any thread of common sense...however you did finally ask him about this and that was good of course, little late but well I guess he didn't run away in the first few weeks though right? at least you "gave it a chance"?

 

I'm not trying to badger you on this, I'm just trying to get you to realize that all these other things don't matter IF the guy isn't interested in a long-term relationship...

 

- intimacy

-chemistry

- feelings

 

Only temporary, because for him there is always a cap...a maximum limit reached so I wonder why a woman in her 30's doesn't make a priority yet they're still playing this "see where it goes" game...have you not learned from your 20's that communication and expression are more important than assuming how the other person feels or thinks, are we children here that we can stick our body parts into another human being or have his into you that you are still too afraid to talk to this "animal" of a man? what kind of relationships are people developing out there? are they just boobop beeping at each other?

 

You know what you should learn in your 30's? to stop blaming everyone else, whether it's for being strung along or "confused"...take some responsibility and accountability.

 

I realize you really thought this was going somewhere and that you had "amazing" chemistry that was sure to last the end of time, but you should also have learned that without any kind of strong communication and emotional expression you might as well be wishing on a star...because people in their 30's, 40's, etc still live in the moment! Look around you, the game of love doesn't eat old, it doesn't just change, men don't just change, people are on different levels because some people learn and other people keep repeating the same mistakes or struggle with their issues...its more silly to me to actually just assume something and then be surprised when it doesn't become that.

 

I think he did the right thing and walked away, he may have liked you, enjoyed his company had some emotions there but in the end he knew he'd string you along and hurt you...instead of lie about it and keep your hopes up he walked away because it looks like you really had no clue or idea what he thought and how he felt, you never talked enough about it...so be happy because he did you a favor, you weren't doing much other than going along with it thinking everything was great, in a perfect world that might work that way or with the right person of course, but you can't blame someone for not having the same feelings, they weren't there...and yes he did string it out for a month and half but that's water under the bridge, you dropped the ball by not bringing it up more because you didn't want to "pressure" the guy...you mean you didn't want to find out the real truth because If the truth was that he felt the same way for you then the man feels no pressure...make sense?

[Gypsie]

I remember feeling disappointed when I only heard that he only wanted to see where things went. But chose to ignore that. That was probably where I went wrong.

 

I did say however that I did not want casual. Surely he would have gotten what I meant by that? But he did not respond to that at all.

 

Know not to accept this next time and speak up more.

 

Also why would a guy string you along knowing that you don't want casual? Besides the obvious answer. That whole concept right there just seems odd to me.

 

Not unless he is actually really not good at picking up or having more girls to chose from that actually wants the same thing he does. That is pretty sad. But that is the only thing that makes sense to me regarding that thought to me. Who knows.

 

The only reason why I did finally say something was because I was sick of feeling confused. It was doing my head in.

 

Not blaming anyone. Just feeling a bit led on and hurt. Venting. That's all.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Gypsie

[soccerrprp]

Gypsie,

 

There was no misunderstanding on your part. He knew what you meant. Unfortunately, he was looking for a FWB and probably never intended to have a committed relationship.

 

Sorry. I'm a guy trying to find someone special and with so much of this going on, it's hard to find a lady that isn't jaded and increasingly guarded.

 

It's tough...you don't have sex- he leaves. You do have sex- he eventually leaves...be more careful and make your expectations known (clearly) before you start having sex. At least this way, if he leaves, it happens before he's taken advantage.

[mammasita]

The problem was becoming intimate before you stated your boundaries. If that was said before anything happened, you would have known where you stood.

[yongyong]

Next time, before he touches you, make sure to get a firm verbal agreement.

 

You can protect yourself that way but it might kill his interest though.....

[truth_seeker]

There was this guy I was seeing for two and a half months. I thought things were going well with us. We were already being intimate as well. The chemistry between us was amazing.

 

I bring up a month into it what he thought about us and he complimented me and said “I will see where it goes.” I did not question him more about it because I did not want to pressure him into anything and just left it at that. Thinking he meant he wanted to take things slow. I also mention to him that I did not want a casual thing and he did not say anything to that so I thought all was good. He understood what I meant by that.

 

A month and a half later he tells me that he does not want commitment. I mention to him if this is a friends with benefits thing. I do not want to be a part of it. Then he ends it with me.

 

 

Two things stand out:

1. "I will see where it goes."

2. His silence when you told him you didn't want a casual thing.

 

The first one should have alerted you that he was unsure about you, and a high probability he wanted just to have fun only

 

The second is a typical creeper move for both men and women. You told him straight up you didn't want a casual fling. Him not answering you was on par with a person on a witness stand pleading the 5th. He did not want to share the truth, ie, he just wanted sex. By not answering he left you with the impression you wanted to hear. That he understood what you meant.

 

The lesson for the future: Next time you tell a man what you want, make sure he ANSWERS you. His silence is most likely a way to avoid telling you his true feelings.

[Gypsie]

Thanks for the input guys. Really appreciate it! .

 

Yes. Next time I will be more open about what I want.

 

Also I will have to suck it up if I hear something I don't want to hear and walk away. Did notice when I was seeing him that a lot of things were on his terms.

 

I also noticed that things did not add up at times which was why I was a bit more upfront about things the second time around I mentioned things.

 

Just glad that I did finally speak up a bit more towards the end there and will be more clearer about my intentions next time so I don't ever get into this situation again.

 

"I will see where it goes" looking back. Realising now, how much of a non answer it was. .

 

He just wanted to keep me in "the grey area" so to speak with how he responded to me maybe. It was like he did not lie but he was not exactly being truthful either...