planetpower Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I've been unhappy for awhile...whenever I've tried to "sit down" and discuss with the H, he either gets defensive or says 'I know' and doesn't take any constructive criticism or action to help improve the M. I don't know how to get through to him that I am serious and the M needs serious improvement for me to stay. It often seems like I really need to separate for him to understand I'm serious.
K Os Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I agree with aasdf. My spouse was unhappy enough to leave. I still have little idea about what she would have liked to be different, because she never talked to me about it. Tell him exactly what's hurting you, and what you'd like him to do about it. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 When you have "THE TALK" is that when you are going to tell him about the OM? I've read your posts, and see enough red flags, you are talking to somebody 1
PWSX3 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Have you talked to him about going to counseling? Have you thought of taking classes on marriage, even if you have to go by yourself? People have this image of what a marriage should look like, but when it's not what they like they want to get out. You can't change another person, but you can change what you bring to a marriage. There are tons of good books out there, I would suggest educating yourself just to better yourself & see what that does.
riverratt Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 You have to be blunt. Yes, He will get mad and defensive but that is a nromal reaction in most cases. My wife never was open about it and expected me to get the clues. I didn't. She left and I realized what had happened and my errors. I have since worked on myself tremendously. Now, several months later, she is getting angry and says it is sad that I didn't do "those things" will she was here.. If want to save your marriage be blunt and give him a chance to get through the initial emotions. Let him his clear his head. Don't push it and don't fight unfair fights.. Don't keep bringing up the same ole stuff in fights. It makes a simple things turn ugly and makes deep wounds. 4
Author planetpower Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 When you have "THE TALK" is that when you are going to tell him about the OM? I've read your posts, and see enough red flags, you are talking to somebody There is no OM, but to be honest I'm often jealous of those seemingly happy in their marriages and still find others attractive. He's close to 30, has been jobless off and on the last few years and how has a minimum wage job. I know the economy is rough, but i really think he can be trying harder to find something better. In ex: networking, taking a resume class, interviewing class etc. I'm working hard to better myself and my credit...I want to have a house and nice car someday. While he is lagging and not as stressed about it as I am. I get it's not good to constantly stress, but I think if he were to feel even a little stress, maybe he'd be motivated to get himself on track.
GuyInLimbo Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 There is no OM, but to be honest I'm often jealous of those seemingly happy in their marriages and still find others attractive. He's close to 30, has been jobless off and on the last few years and how has a minimum wage job. I know the economy is rough, but i really think he can be trying harder to find something better. In ex: networking, taking a resume class, interviewing class etc. I'm working hard to better myself and my credit...I want to have a house and nice car someday. While he is lagging and not as stressed about it as I am. I get it's not good to constantly stress, but I think if he were to feel even a little stress, maybe he'd be motivated to get himself on track. So... you're looking to change him? Good luck. I think we all know how that works out for people. Has he ever been a motivated person? f not, move on. He will never change, especially at this age. You are who you are at 30 and most people don't change after that. 1
liquid_amber Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 So... you're looking to change him? Good luck. I think we all know how that works out for people. Has he ever been a motivated person? f not, move on. He will never change, especially at this age. You are who you are at 30 and most people don't change after that. this is true. you need to figure out what's best for you, and quit hoping he will come around and change. you either accept him as he is right now, or you move on. but to keep nagging him to change is never going to work. 1
SuperGeek Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Just download the divorce documents tonight from the internet and fill them out. Problem solved. You might even be able to submit them electronically. Then you can go get yourself a guy making 6 figures or even 7 figures... I wonder how many 6 fig male income earners there are hanging out on facebook and dating sites at this hour? Probably what? few million or so? Shouldn't be too difficult to find that. Time to throw in another marriage white flag. Why the hell should I ever get married? This site is just full of stories like this. People giving up on each other. I thought marriage was supposed to be for the long haul ? Boy was i fed a load of crap. SuperGeek
pink_sugar Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Why the hell should I ever get married? This site is just full of stories like this. People giving up on each other. I thought marriage was supposed to be for the long haul ? Boy was i fed a load of crap. SuperGeek Yeah it is and a lot of people don't try to work things out. Unfortunately though, there are just a lot of cases where no matter how hard you try there are differences that can't be resolved. Such as a spouse who keeps making decisions that are threatening the marriage and just not being a good overall partner with equal responsibility.
liquid_amber Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 i've noticed that you seem to go back and forth on this issue. isn't that a bit unfair to your H? are you talking to him about this, leaving him hanging, wondering if you're going to leave him or not? don't you think it's time to make a decision and stick with it? he deserves to know what's happening so he can move on if necessary.
beatcuff Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 i second liquid_amber's post. and i have said it in other threads. "we talk to everyone but our spouse". but when you sit down with H listen. you use the catch all 'he got defensive'. but what is he saying.
carhill Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) Since H is aware that you're attempting to broach issues, simply make an MC appointment and invite him to join you. If he declines, attend and then stop by your lawyer's office after and put together the basic filing, which shouldn't take more than an hour. Done and done. It will be unmistakeable that you're serious and he can then choose his next steps. If he accepts, proceed with the issues in MC, both your own and his. Marriages are about *both* participants. Edited October 16, 2012 by carhill If he accepts.....
riverratt Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 You are who you are at 30 and most people don't change after that. That depends on what you call change. Anybody can adjust their outlooks on things. Their priorities can change. Changing a persons character will, probably, not. My ex said the same thing. I don't agree. The example I used was becoming a parent. A persons character may not change but your priorities and outlook on life can do a 180. You , generally, are who you are but if you decide you would rather be at home more and doing more things as a family isn't "change" to me. That is adjusting.
SuperGeek Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I get it's not good to constantly stress, but I think if he were to feel even a little stress, maybe he'd be motivated to get himself on track. Well my ex tried the same approach with me as well. She separated because i wasn't 'making enough progress fast enough'. Then not even two weeks after separation she was with another guy. Not saying that's what you're going to do, but a lot of men will assume a separation means it's over as everyone with a brain knows women can score a new date in about 10-30 minutes ( i.e. the time it takes to register on a dating site and answer a few emails ). Be willing to risk it all if you walk out the door or even mention separation. Leaving isn't the best catalyst to change women think it is -- it's a destructive action that destroys trust. You might do some research on the probability of reconciliation after a separation as well -- depending on which numbers you choose to believe, it's usually understood that there isn't a very high chance of success once you've left. Again highly subjective on statistics, but in my own anecdotal observations, it's over once the girl leaves. My ex left, tried to come back a year later (after being with two other men) and I passed on her offer as I'm not a back up plan and deserve better. I'm holding out for someone that will stick by my side through even the hard times. I will probably die alone waiting for that girl though -- they don't seem to exist now in our instant-message based society. My cousin (who lives in the US) has been unemployed for the last year and he's tried to the best of his ability to get a job, but just hasn't had any success yet. His town has been hit pretty bad with unemployment and companies have been laying off, not to mention it's the end of the year and there are budget freezes. His wife is sticking by his side and even working two low wage jobs because she loves him and she knows he's a good man. For her, it's not about houses, fancy cars, or materialism, but him -- she loves him for who he is and it doesn't matter to her how big their house is or what car they are driving. Of course they don't want to be poor, but it's just a temporary situation. They may even lose their house if things don't improve. Look, if you're H is clearly a lazy deadbeat dirtbag that just sits around all day, then don't think twice about it and file the D. If he's truly trying and not having any luck due to the crappy economy, you might want to cut the guy some slack for awhile. [ And for the record I'm employed full time and working on a graduate degree full time, not some lazy ass sitting on the couch playing xbox360 all day in my mum's basement ]. Good luck to you. SuperGeek 1
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