ana0pera Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 how far along were you in your relationship before you told family and friends about your LDR? what were there reactions? did you discuss it with your SO before going "public?" I am debating whether or not it's time to tell my family about my relationship. Most of my friends know about my relationship already but absolutely no one in my family knows and I am a bit scared to tell them. My family is close-knit but extremely protective and over-bearing. I am an only child (daughter) and this is my first real relationship; in my family I've always been the career-oriented one with no time for boyfriends, so it's going to be a major shock that I am seeing someone. But when they find out he's in Europe they are really going to freak out (I am in the US). We come from different cultural backgrounds and while this might be an issue, I think the biggest issue is going to be the long distance part. I could continue to keep it from them, but we are seeing each other in December right before Christmas. I am coming home a week later than I would normally come home because he's visiting the states, and they are going to wonder why. Plus, I will be flying home from the East Coast, when I should be coming in from the West Coast. I can tell them that I am visiting a friend from college or something like that but I kind of feel bad about lying. When we set up our first meeting in Europe, I lied and said I was going for school because 1)I wasn't sure how the meeting was going to go and 2)I knew they'd have heart attacks knowing I was going to Europe to meet a guy I met online. But now that we are becoming serious, I am wondering if it's time, or if I should wait longer? Thanks!
Ani Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 It's better for you to tell them then have them find out by themselves or through someone else.
Author ana0pera Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 It's better for you to tell them then have them find out by themselves or through someone else. So you think I should tell them before I go on this trip? I am a complete chicken!! And you're right, it's better that they hear it from me, the worst thing that could happen is I lie to them and they find out. I wouldn't even know who to tell, I don't talk to my dad so obviously not him, my mom is erratic and would just cry or make a big deal of it, and my grandmother might be calm but i respect her A LOT and fear her reaction most. My aunts/uncles are pretty cool but cant keep secrets from my grandmother.
blugirl Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I will only tell them about mine if we get engaged. I know how you feel cause my family is over-bearing and protective as well, and I'm the only child, too.
cerridwen Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) He and I have known each other a year, dated for 5 months, so I've only told my mother fairly recently. I will tell my sister when she comes to visit at the end of the month. We're all grown, live in separate parts of the country. I'm not beholden to anyone but myself for my decisions. They trust my judgement and are/will be happy for me. The distance is "whatever" to them: they're very open-minded. I bet they're also quite excited about the prospect of having someone in Europe to stay with on vacation. Vultures! Tell them at a point when you feel strong in your decision and confident about the relationship. It will show through in how you communicate it to them. Edited October 14, 2012 by cerridwen 2
Citizen Erased Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 "Hey dad, I'm going to fly to Detroit in March and meetup with a guy I met online". I'm lucky I didn't give him a heart attack. Good thing he's a youngun. 3
HeavenOrHell Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 I told them before we met up face to face, so they already knew it might be more than friendship. I'm in my 40's, so it was no big deal. how far along were you in your relationship before you told family and friends about your LDR? what were there reactions? did you discuss it with your SO before going "public?" I am debating whether or not it's time to tell my family about my relationship. Most of my friends know about my relationship already but absolutely no one in my family knows and I am a bit scared to tell them. My family is close-knit but extremely protective and over-bearing. I am an only child (daughter) and this is my first real relationship; in my family I've always been the career-oriented one with no time for boyfriends, so it's going to be a major shock that I am seeing someone. But when they find out he's in Europe they are really going to freak out (I am in the US). We come from different cultural backgrounds and while this might be an issue, I think the biggest issue is going to be the long distance part. I could continue to keep it from them, but we are seeing each other in December right before Christmas. I am coming home a week later than I would normally come home because he's visiting the states, and they are going to wonder why. Plus, I will be flying home from the East Coast, when I should be coming in from the West Coast. I can tell them that I am visiting a friend from college or something like that but I kind of feel bad about lying. When we set up our first meeting in Europe, I lied and said I was going for school because 1)I wasn't sure how the meeting was going to go and 2)I knew they'd have heart attacks knowing I was going to Europe to meet a guy I met online. But now that we are becoming serious, I am wondering if it's time, or if I should wait longer? Thanks!
justwhoiam Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 I am debating whether or not it's time to tell my family about my relationship. Tell them. You change the story: you dated him for a while then he had to go back to Europe. You were not sure about the relationship, so you waited a while to be certain it was a serious thing. You visited him in Europe to find out. And now he came here and you spent quite some time together and are serious about it. That's all they have to know. You explain that you keep in touch with him daily and get along very well together. You tell them it's temporary and he will move to the US to be with you as soon as you're both ready with everything. You want to give it a little more time. We come from different cultural backgrounds and while this might be an issue, I think the biggest issue is going to be the long distance part. Why? Elaborate.
umirano Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 My GF also had to change our story a bit for parts of her family being kind of conservative. We hope we can correct these little lies. But right now we have to make sure we can meet. Try to have at least one reliable family member whom you can tell everything. Even if they don't like having to cover your lies, it's what sisters/uncles/aunts/grandmas are there for. Of course it's always better if you can be totally honest with someone. Only resort to little changes in your story if you absolutely have to. Maintaining a false story is very demanding. Things will slip your mind and people usually don't like to find out later that they were lied to by someone they care about so much. When you say 'different cultural backgrounds': Are you talking about american vs. european culture? Northern Europe or southern? West or east? good luck!
Author ana0pera Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 justwhoiam, I love how you've embellished my story, and I think that could actually work! umirano, I know for a fact that my aunt lied to our family about her husband's occupation when they were dating, because she thought my family would look down on him. She told the truth a few years later and no one cared. I don't know if the story would be different if she had been upfront to begin with, but I doubt it, because she was in her 40s and had been in an unhappy marriage previously. I am in my early twenties and I've never talked about guys I am seeing with my family. ever. Regarding our differences, he's white Northern European and I am black American. My family is very religious, he is not (although we both come from Christian backgrounds). He comes from a wealthier, more academic family than mine, which is liberal but a bit insular and Xenophobic. These differences don't matter to the two of us but I could see it being problematic for my family. While I am sure people will discuss his race, I don't see that being a problem, but the other differences I described could be issues as they can magnify insecurities in my own family, and make him seem like a threat.
Author ana0pera Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Try to have at least one reliable family member whom you can tell everything. Even if they don't like having to cover your lies, it's what sisters/uncles/aunts/grandmas are there for. Forgot to mention, but my family is full of gossipers. Ever since I was a child, various relatives have told me the secrets they're supposed to be keeping for others. It's always been funny to me, probably because I've never had any secrets to keep. And the only person that I can trust to keep it a secret, my grandmother, is the one that I fear telling the most!
justwhoiam Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 justwhoiam, I love how you've embellished my story, and I think that could actually work! Regarding our differences, he's white Northern European and I am black American. My family is very religious, he is not (although we both come from Christian backgrounds). He comes from a wealthier, more academic family than mine, which is liberal but a bit insular and Xenophobic. These differences don't matter to the two of us but I could see it being problematic for my family. While I am sure people will discuss his race, I don't see that being a problem, but the other differences I described could be issues as they can magnify insecurities in my own family, and make him seem like a threat. 1. Color = someone might be bothered by it, how much would you care? 1. Religion = is your boyfriend willing to attend mass with you? Celebrate holidays with you? 2. Money = wealthier parents tend to belittle their children's SO, at times even unaware; are you ready for that? 3. Parents & inlaws can be different as couples like day & night, being problematic to handle when they meet up. If they don't get along well, they won't meet much, and everything will be (almost) fine. Being LD, this is like a non-issue.
Author ana0pera Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 1. Color: I don't care if someone's bothered by his race. I have a white aunt and her color has never been an issue. An observation, maybe, but not an issue. I would hope the same would apply to my BF. 2. Religion: He would definitely celebrate holidays with me (he already celebrates with his family) but I am not sure about going to Mass; I myself am not that religious anymore so it isn't something I would really push. 3. Money: That's something I've thought/worried about. I've always worked hard and academically, I have a really good "pedigree." As a result, I've always been surrounded by people wealthier than me, so I've sort of acclimated to that class. But I am not part of that group and it doesn't mean that I will be accepted. I am hoping it wont be an issue but we will see with time. Both of us are very close to our families and wouldn't want to be in a relationship that causes tensions with our families. I really hope that neither of us are put into a situation where we have to choose!
Aquamelon Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 My SO and other have been together for about 9 months now and I just recently decided to tell my family. My folks are very old fashioned plus they loved my ex-boyfriend so I knew it would be a tough pill to shallow. He told his parents/family almost right away when we started seeing each other. But yeah I wanted to wait to make sure things were stable and good in my LDR before having him meet my folks and etc.
Author ana0pera Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 So months ago, I told my family about my trip in vague terms ("before I come home for Christmas, Grandma, I am going to visit one of my friends in Florida") and no questions were asked, so I thought I was home free! But now, with about a week left until I see my bf, I realize that they didn't ask questions because it went in one ear and out the other. I had set a time for telling them that unfortunately coincided with some family drama not involving me, so I guess I didn't have their complete attention, and they just heard that I was coming home for Christmas, but not that I am going on a trip first. They have no clue that I am going to Florida AT ALL. I usually forward my itineraries to my family before travelling, so I'm thinking about doing that and repeating that I am visiting a friend and going to look at one of the museums there (for work)? Or I can just not tell them, not forward the itinerary and talk to them less while I am in Florida? Ugh...
Life'sGood Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I think it's best if someone in your family knows where you are in case of any emergencies and you will feel more at ease. My parents don't know that I am travelling to meet my boyfriend. They only know that I am travelling. My brothers know though. I have four brothers and I am the only daughter and to them it is not a big deal because they know that I can take care of myself. I came from a close-knit and quite conservative family too. I am just glad that my brothers understand. I will tell my parents when me and my boyfriend are deeper in the relationship, I think I want to save them the worries if things don't work out. I think going to Florida to visit a friend sounds ok too. you're not really lying in that sense.
WildSunshine Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Why do you think they'll freak out? It is long distance, but surely they'd rather you be in a long distance relationship with a great guy than a close knit one with just a decent guy. If you are still in school they might see it as a good thing -- you can still have the time to focus on studies while having a relationship (because close distance relationships IMO can be more distracting and take up more time). I think you should just go in being excited about it -- don't let them know that there is any reason to worry. Chances are they won't freak out at all, especially if you ask them for advice about the situation, they might be glad you came to them and trusted their opinions.
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