losing myself in this A

October 15, 2012

kwim:

You stated that his W was informed of what kind of man she was married to...

So, what does that say about the "kind of man" you're cheating with?!

I too feel bad for his wife & you. Both getting played...sigh*...

I'd be completely stressed and Freeked about what (potentially) probably will happen upon your next day. Angry/scorned women can do crazy things. OW and/or BS. And since you work close by each other, well, I shutter to think.

Best of luck & be careful...ie, get out!

November 1, 2012

So.... a week after I wrote last he finally started being 'him' at school again. So much so that he was like waving at me from the end of the hallway, which was out of character. I ignored him. He finally cornered me at school asking what was wrong. I lost some strength and just said nothing. That I was tired of feeling that way. He said he wanted to see me the next night, but I actually did already have plans. So I told him that. (Again, I have never not been available to him ... EVER).

He called me that next morning on the way to school asking about my 'plans' and who the guy was and all. I just said it was just dinner. He said "I won't get jealous. I know you need to live your life, too." he asked who he was and I said he didnt know him. I said again it wasn't a big deal and all. He got like really mad and said that he wouldnt' speak to me again and hung up.

That afternoon he texted "Why are you dating? Am I not good enough for you?"

He called. I told him it wasn't about that. That he got to F his wife and me and a guy wants to take me to dinner and HE gets to be mad? He just said he was trying to say how he felt. That I was his. That he was mad at himself for not being able to give me what I need.

I said that he knew that already. We both did.

In the middle of us talking he knocks on my door.

I know I shouldn't have let him in-- I know that. But, I don't know how to stand up to him. He is too much for me. At least, that is how I feel.

But I've never stood up to him in any way before until last week and I finally just felt like "really? what right does he have?"

And that feeling lasted a good week or so. Now, I'm back to feeling like I need him. He texted on Monday. And he just said good morning when I saw him in the hall today. And I've been blowing him off again. But how long until it starts back?

I know he doesn't love me, even if he says it. I just wish there was something to like.... do or say.. to get in engrained in my brain that we all deserve so much better than this scenario.

November 2, 2012

This is going to sound harsh, but you have again let your mm know you are weak, he can manipulate you and that you don't mean what you say, and that if he pushes you enough, he gets you back, just where he wants you. I bet he has a big old smirk on his face, thinking...........ahhhh it worked.

When are you going to stop giving him all the power, letting him call the shots?

it's not harsh-- it's what I need and I know that. When I'm not near him or talking to him I feel like me... like I can look at it from this state of "what the hell are you doing." Most of the time, I don't recognize myself. But, when I'm in this whirlwind with him-- I don't know what I'm doing.

And I hate that I'm acting like I don't have control over my own choices, because i know that I do. I just can't seem to feel that way.

November 2, 2012

You need to decide now and believe that you want this over with.

Let's set some visuals for you. The day after dday, his wife is pisssssed. She goes to the principal, and everyone within her vicinty and tells them you are a cheating (fill in the blank)... word gets around to parents and you WILL BE FIRED.. . Because I can promise you if you were a teacher in my kids school the roof would be lit on fire. Parents don't tolerate things of this nature around their children.. .remember you're moms face when she found out a couch had kissed her daughter?

His wife will have no mercy on you. She's already warned you. You got very lucky not being caught the past year, this year may not be so lucky for you.

December 11, 2012

So, how does one just stop being in an A? You just say no more-- leave me alone-- and then be strong enough to follow-through?

He's not been over in a month. But, he stayed late at school last week after practice and we slept together at school.

He texted me last week asking if I wanted to live together. He said my place was perfect until we have a baby together. Right.

Then he was sick this past weekend, so I didn't talk to him. Today he just said good morning in the hall, then never responded to my one text all day.

You want to live together? But it's impossible for you to find the time to text me back? Really???

Now I feel like this giant hole in my chest because I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm at a loss of what else to do. There's nothing left to say, because I've said it all or heard it all. It all just hurts.

December 11, 2012

It's not something we do, it just happened because it was way after hours and yeah. But, no I would not be prepared for the consequences.

December 11, 2012

I just dont see how I got to this place. In the very beginning- I wanted nothing to do with him... he was 40 and just.. yeah.. I never saw him like that. Then he was too much and I didnt want it. Since then, it's just-- like I belong to him and I dont know how or when that happened.

I was coaching last week and he stood down the sideline from me next to his wife the whole game. Seriously? Then just texted me 'good game baby' afterwards. But, he'll do this-- and just keep expecting me to be there. And I always am.

And I'm a confident person in so many other areas of my life. And I just want him to go away. For it to go away. To not have my every emotion and feeling controlled by him simply text messaging me or speaking.

How much more pathetic does it get?

December 11, 2012

Hi Grey:

I was in a very similar situation but we seen each other 3 to 4 times a week and live a few streeets away from each other (he is 47 i am 27). I know how you feel about "other" posters on here you come and ask for help and most of them bash you and insult you but there are some who generally wish to help you. (I think some of them are the BS and condeming us makes them feel better .... yawn)

I have been NC with MM for a few weeks now and its hard i hate hate hate it !! But you have to say to youself enough is enough i am worth more than this - let all your emotions come out, cry, scream, smash things up if it releases the pressure you have built up for so long - I did !! Do i still love him ? Yes I doubt that will change for a long time yet .. do i believe he loves me ? Not sure - I know he loves "the idea" of me but deeply in love with me im not sure.

Take it slowly you are on a high just now from him, the sex is amazing (i know i feel the same way, its so intense) Read more on these forums especially the infidelity section and see the hurt we are causing the BS this helped me alot to end things ...... in the end i told him if he wanted me he had to tell his wife about us, then i changed my phone number and deleted my e-mail address so there was absolutely no way of going back !! im glad i did because i know i would of contacted him by now/or he would of and we would be continuing on.

Its not easy and it hurts like a b*tch but if you are serious about getting out you can do it

December 11, 2012

OP,

I don't want to sound rude, but it sounds like you have put yourself in a position where you feel like you have no power over your choices and actions....but the simple truth is that you do have the power here, you just have to take it back.

Start with little things to build your confidence that you can do it. Why do you have to receive his texts? Is there no way that you can block his number?

December 11, 2012

I just dont see how I got to this place. In the very beginning- I wanted nothing to do with him... he was 40 and just.. yeah.. I never saw him like that. Then he was too much and I didnt want it. Since then, it's just-- like I belong to him and I dont know how or when that happened.
I was coaching last week and he stood down the sideline from me next to his wife the whole game. Seriously? Then just texted me 'good game baby' afterwards. But, he'll do this-- and just keep expecting me to be there. And I always am.

And I'm a confident person in so many other areas of my life. And I just want him to go away. For it to go away. To not have my every emotion and feeling controlled by him simply text messaging me or speaking.
How much more pathetic does it get?

Please get the book: Loving Him Without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself

It's not about affairs specifically but this dynamic of why women who are confident in other areas of life allow a man/messed up relationship run their lives.

December 12, 2012

TheOW.. thank you for your reply. It is nice to see someone else able to at least understand, but the actions you took to rid yourself of him are defintely the way to go. It's just a little more difficult since we work together.

For example, I made it a goal to make myself scarce today so I wouldnt have to see him-- (like, we know where each other stands or walks by certain hallways at certain times, so we will always see each other..) but I wasnt in those spots and I made sure to not see him. Then at the end of school, he came in the gym while I was coaching practice and just talked to the other coach. But that's why it's hard.... I can try to ignore him-- but he'll just show up sometimes.

He sent me a text after he came in the gym asking why i was losing weight. he said i needed to eat. he likes me with curves. blah blah blah. had the nerve to ask if i was stressed out. ha. i just let it be and didnt respond. but, again, tomorrow is another day and ignoring him is tough at work. but not impossible-- i realized at least that much today.

and thank you for the book recommendation. i'll take any i can get. i've been looking online for some, so thanks.

December 12, 2012

You also need to read on narcissists MOMs with lack of empathy for others. He does not care about your well being.

Keep playing the game. As long as you work there you will have sex with him again and again. He has complete dominance over you. You are his narcissistic supply.

Wow! Way to be supportive and positive. She can overcome the situation if she decides to do what is best for her. Selling her short is not very helpful.

December 12, 2012

If your thing is that you are into bdsm why don't you find someone else to fulfill that kick and lose this guy?

Can you afford to get fired? I don't think so. Somebody else can give you what he does, trust me. It doesn't need to destroy your life.

December 13, 2012

If your thing is that you are into bdsm why don't you find someone else to fulfill that kick and lose this guy?

Can you afford to get fired? I don't think so. Somebody else can give you what he does, trust me. It doesn't need to destroy your life.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what bdsm is?

And since i posted the other day... I am realizing more and more each day what an ******* is. And it's so stupid to feel so blinded by it most of the time. I ignored him again this morning, but I looked up during a class and he was standing outside my classroom. I just asked what he needed stayed professional until he left. That was all.

I know baby steps don't seem like enough, but it's something.

January 3, 2013

I was gonna reply this to another thread about 'how to stop wanting mm' because that thread helped so much, but I didn't want to take her thread.

I just feel-- this: "I don't have to drive you away. You are away. By definition you are away. You're unavailable. I wait for you. I watch for you. My whole life is you. I can't breath because I'm waiting for you. You own me, you control me, I belong to you." -Scandal

I always feel like I'm taking steps forward, but then I have moments where I just sit and think and can't stop.

I've gone NC with MM. He sent me a "Happy bday" text on the 29th. I've not spoken to him since I replied to his Merry Xmas. So, it's been like 9 days... which is huge for me to not text him. But, school started today and he walked down the hallway and I was standing next to another teacher, so he looked at her then me and said good morning and looked right at me.

And I was even fine all day after that. Normally I'd be mentally breaking down his every move, look and tone and think about it all day because it's all-encompassing... but, I just didn't. And it was great to not think about him.

But I get home after practice and realize that I've not contacted him, but-- he hasn't said anything to me either in 5 days?? So, now it's like that kicked in the stomach rejection feeling. Because as much as I KNOW if he doesnt ever contact me, he's doing us all a favor and it's the best thing. Good riddance. But, it's so so hard to continually tell myself that. And know that. Other than the physical stuff and the passion- he brings nothing to my life. I just hate this feeling of- I know I am done and want out-- but when did he decide that, too? And is it just that easy?

UGH! It's so hard. Venting here helps. I will NOT contact him.

January 4, 2013

Even though no one responded, I'm going to write again today just because it helps to have somewhere to go when I feel weak. And I feel this is as good of place as any.

Still NC through another day of school. Didn't see him all day which was as much my choice as any. I stayed in my room on purpose. He's not texted or anything either, which again.. surprises me. I mean-- nothing happened?

BUT after school I was coaching in the gym, and he walked in, stood at the door, acted like he was looking for someone or at something, looked over at me and I looked when the door opened but just looked away. And he stood there for a minute then walked out. Really? Why??! I'm not talking to you-- you're not talking to me-- you knew I was in the gym... so why on earth did you bother?

I'm just angry at this point. But still NC and it's Friday night, which well... I feel a slight absence, but not enough to make me question that this is the right thing. It just is.

January 5, 2013

It does help to write on here... i'm kind of using it a lot at the moment for support. its hard when you cant talk to anyone else about how you feel.

I was kind of doing OK myself... I am on day 5 of NC... its more like day 5 after being cruelly rejected. Im sort of at a lost part of life right now in general anyway and I don't have a lot of people around me so its hard. Today was OK when I went to work, and I had a laugh with everyone, then this evening I have just sat in my room, watched rubbish films on the internet, stuffed my face with McDonalds and have had no text messages or phone calls from anyone, especially him. Up until now I have tried to be positive, use this as an opportunity to get out there and make loads of new friends but this evening I feel like I have gone back a step again. It confuses me, how he can just shut it all off without a problem and I am the one left in pain. I hate it. I just want to be happy really and there is only so much control you can have over your thoughts.

I must admit I would find it really hard to work with him. I do get to wipe all evidence from him from my life which helps. Seeing him or knowing I could bump into him every day would just prolong it all for me. I hope you are OK x

January 5, 2013

A question; Why do you think you chose the user name, GreyhoundToNowhere?

I believe that is very "telling" for you and I'd like to hear it

Also understand that the only time you aren't "going somewhere" is when you are standing still. Then even by standing still, life eventually happens to you. I'd like to think that life doesn't happen To me but rather I Make things happen to my life.

That gives me a more of a say in the direction my life is moving instead of being run over and dragged along in whatever direction someone else's life is going.*

January 5, 2013

Oh greyhound... I promise you that things are going to get better. I am 27 and was in an A with a 41 year old for over a year. My divorce was final December 10 and my MM went NC with me December 12. Double ouch.

I felt like you did. There's more questions than answers. You feel like a failure. But most of all you wish you could be the woman you were a few years ago.

It will hit you. Like a brick wall. He's old. And a manipulator. And here's one: married.

You're beautiful, greyhound. You have to remember that.

January 5, 2013

Sparkly: glad to know there is someone else out there at this exact moment who is going through the same thing as me. i just keep reading motivational quotes and words to remind myself why I shouldn't feel this way -- why this is for the best, despite how i feel. but, i am the same.. he isn't texting me either-- how is it so easy for him? how am i not worth more than that after everything you said? ugh.

cominginhot: the name is actually from a country song by Miranda Lambert (Greyhound Bound for Nowhere) about a girl who has an affair with a MM... and that's basically how she feels in the situation they're in. and it's the damn truth. well, at least it was-- but if I can stay strong.... maybe my train will eventually lead me completely out of this situation and away from him.

January 5, 2013

Oh greyhound... I promise you that things are going to get better. I am 27 and was in an A with a 41 year old for over a year. My divorce was final December 10 and my MM went NC with me December 12. Double ouch.
I felt like you did. There's more questions than answers. You feel like a failure. But most of all you wish you could be the woman you were a few years ago.
It will hit you. Like a brick wall. He's old. And a manipulator. And here's one: married.
You're beautiful, greyhound. You have to remember that.

Oh wow. Our situations are very similar in that aspect. My divorce will be final in February. And apparently when I decided to go NC-- he did too-- but failed to tell me? Which is probably part of the reason I'm struggling... like.. it's not my choice, or maybe he'll pop back up again in a few days/weeks. but that makes no difference. I try to think that-- remind myself.. he's old and married and if you had asked me the first two years i knew him-- never in my right mind would I have thought anything of him like this. I just want to go back to before-- when he had no affect on me or my emotions at all. Good luck with your healing as well. Thank you for your kind words.

January 5, 2013

Gryhndtonwhr;

Reading your heartbreak makes me so sad! I understand that we do Crazy things for the sake of "love", or what we believe is love from the words of our paramour. Even if he Is married to someone else.

But more (and maybe because I was betrayed by my husband) I am enraged at these MM for dk'in around w/our hearts for their own selfish gain!! It doesn't matter if it was for a few months or many years. These MM men destroy SO much!!

I think you are very strong to stay NC. It's lonely and hard BUT your next adventure is waiting for you! When you're ready*

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