losing myself in this A

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I am so beyond ashamed of the person I have become and I really and truly want to be strong enough to just walk away.

 

Never did I think I would still be in the place I am. I entered into an A with MM last September. (I cannot believe it has been over a year.) He even had the nerve to say "we've been together for a year..."

He is 40, I am 26. He has three kids. We work together... oh yeah, his BS works with us at the same place.

If you read my other posts you'll read that I was also unhappilly married when this all started. I've now been seperated for 8 months and we are divorcing in Feb. I did come clean with my BH back in December. He almost got caught with a "flirty" text from me around the same time, and we did stop the A for a little over a month when that happened.

 

That being said, I did try and stop it back in June. We went a few weeks over the summer where I was out of state and we didnt speak. He got back in touch and had the moment of "what is this really. what are we doing." he has never said he would leave her, in fact, he said he wont for financial reasons and has every intention of waiting til the last kid leaves home.

 

But he future fakes with me all of the time, I guess. We see each other about once a week alone, and then of course almost everyday at work (where we don't speak, he'll just wink at me.) Then he'll text after or call every once in a while. He came over last Saturday and we slept together, but afterwards talked for a long while and he just said "this is so nice... this part of it. the other stuff is fun of course, but just being here talking.. i like this part so much." and it was.

 

but like, we talk wed. through texts he makes some comment about me having his kid someday. then today he litterally says to me in the hall, "can i get some tonight?" I looked at him like "really? thats how we speak to each other now? but then, just nodded but said it was a bad time of month, and he's like, "oh, maybe i'll just go for a run or something." I was like.. "instead?" really?" wow." and he's like "No.'ll be there." as he walked off.

 

Its just, I KNOW I am worth more. I know he only treats me this way because I allow it and require nothing more from him. I'm a very independent, strong, confident, responsible women in every other aspect of my life-- but with him. He has an unexplainable hold on me. I want to be free of it and him. But i do love him so much. He of course says he loves me. (words, I know.) So, i'm sitting here... so badly wanting to text him to see if I will see him, but knowing instead I should be angry for how he spoke to me. I'm not naive, i know it is about sex, too. And I feel like I get as much as he does from it. however, I just.... I so want to stop. Help.

[veryhappy]

Wow this guy has it easy. He sees you once a week and has sex every time? The answer to "can I get some tonight?" is "that's the way you can talk to your wife, i won't allow it. Go ask her." and then walk away.

 

You are involved with a pos. Now, first step is to understand it won't lead anywhere. He's sort of future faking, cruelly, but hasn't said he'd leave her, which makes it worse. He will not leave. When you accept that, ask yourself if you want to continue. Is the sex that good? Apparently not worth it even if it is, because you want to stop. What's the hold he has on you? It can't be that he treats you nicely, because he doesn't.

[skywriter]

GTN, since his wife works with he both of you, have you met her?

 

This guy sounds like this isn.t his first A, since he's so blatantly carrying on under his wifes nose. In my mind, it makes him vey cold and dangerous.

 

Greyhound, he will throw you under the bus if necessary.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

ugh. the more i talk about it and actually write it out, the sicker I feel. Yes, we work together... she knows me. And back in December, some rumors started spreading about me and him talking all the time and she pulled me aside and just said to be up front with my relationship with him and that they had a happy home and all this. We all teach together. Since she found a text from me back in December, she confronted me right away in January and we stopped contact for a month. It picked back up in Feb.

This year we arent in the same part of the building, so I only ever see them once or twice a day.

 

He's got a busy life and schedule, so his time is limited. I know it seems like he offers nothing to me, and well, now... I guess he doesnt. At the start, it was him pursuing me like crazy and I was very hesitant and put him off. Since back in Feb. that's changed and he used to be super sweet and well, he is still is sometimes, too. But he's never one to shy away from the fact that our physical relationship is amazing. I think the reason I am so attached is the physical thing.... Ive never had a physical relationship like this. I never enjoyed sex before him. Ever. He makes me feel a way I never knew you could feel... not just in bed, but as far as being wanted and attractive. And I think that i am a good-looking girl for the most part, but I have never had someone make me feel that wanted before him. It's a hard thing to walk away from. It borders on need sometimes, which is ridiculous.

[Quiet Storm]

Married men are experienced in bed. Don't forget they've been living with a woman for many years. They know what to do.

 

There are single men that can turn you on. But you won't be open to having a relationship with them if you are wrapped up with MM.

[Ladydrib]

I

 

That being said, I did try and stop it back in June. We went a few weeks over the summer where I was out of state and we didnt speak. He got back in touch and had the moment of "what is this really. what are we doing." he has never said he would leave her, in fact, he said he wont for financial reasons and has every intention of waiting til the last kid leaves home.

 

But he future fakes with me all of the time, I guess.

 

we talk wed. through texts he makes some comment about me having his kid someday.

 

Its just, I KNOW I am worth more. I know he only treats me this way because I allow it and require nothing more from him. I'm a very independent, strong, confident, responsible women in every other aspect of my life-- but with him. He has an unexplainable hold on me. I want to be free of it and him. But i do love him so much. He of course says he loves me. (words, I know.) So, i'm sitting here... so badly wanting to text him to see if I will see him, but knowing instead I should be angry for how he spoke to me. I'm not naive, i know it is about sex, too. And I feel like I get as much as he does from it. however, I just.... I so want to stop. Help.

 

Oh no, I know exactly how you feel. First, let me tell you, this hold he has on you, I know you are doubting your strength right now and you don't see how you'll ever get out of it. From your angle, it does look hopeless. I know because I've had that same view. But let me give you some reassurance, the fact that you are independent, you do know you're worth more, and you want to be free of him, is putting into action the very beginning of a resolution that will get you out of this mess. You will need to be patient with yourself and realize it will take hard work, pain, and time to untangle the mess, but you've already crossed the start line. So give yourself credit for that and trust in your strength. I know you remember who you were when you were strong, but that person is still there. That person is feeling defeated because you're swimming in a very strong current, so you feel tired and you think you are now weak. Not true. This man is toxic and is creating a current for you. He is married, seemingly fine and happy with an affair, yet he holds you by pulling at your heart, hopes, and dreams. He shows you a beautiful picture of what things "could" be, so that your endure the toxicity. He knows you'll stay in it for the "just in case". Of course you're confused and the fact that you are dealing in this arrangement actually shows how strong you are. But you are putting your strength in the trash because you are using it in the wrong way. Redirect your strength. You know what's right. Push through the pain. Do not look back. Do not question yourself. Do not let this man plant anymore seeds in your head. Get away from him and be thankful you are only 26. Plenty of men out there still available at that age. Don't let this precious time pass. You will connect with someone else. It may take a very long time, but you WILL. I promise. And you won't have to deal with some a** choosing someone else over you because when you connect with a man who is available, it will be all about you! . As it should be.

[skywriter]

^^^Yes, everything LadyD said!^^^ It will be difficult, but the only way to get past that is to get started on getting you out of this. ,,

 

I do feel sorry for his W, because if this is a repeat offense, she's taking risk being with him.

 

I wish you strength to help yourself and get on with your life.

[Artie Lang]

of course he's talking to you that way-- you're "givin' it up" like some school girl with a crush.

 

if i remember correctly, you're the one who teaches with this douchebag and wanted to end things waaay back then, right?

 

you're telling me you're still stuck in the same rut, even when you said you'd quit? WOW!

 

"tryin'" isn't "doin'," honey. nothin' has changed here.

 

at least your husband got smart and decided the marriage was a lost cause. or you let him go. whatever the reason, he's better off without you.

 

furthermore, you have never had sex "like that" because this guy has experience under his belt. I mean, forty-years-old.....he better know how "move it" some. KWIM.

 

keep on truckin' along. doesn't seem like you're going to end it soon, given how he "rings your bell" like that.

 

have nice day.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Artie Lang

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

 

My question to you is..........have you ever been sexually abused? That could explain why the sex is such a high for you. Your brain equates danger with sexuality.

 

I did mention this in a previous post somewhere, but the answer is yes. And in a way that is so similar that it's obvious the connection I have. When I was 12, I was in love with my 27 year old married Coach who said he was in love with me (built a "relationship" with me through emails/IMS online) and then we spent one day together alone and he did sexually abuse me (though at the time, i never would have called it that. obviously my view on it is different now.) He was found out and asked to resign and my mother and I chose to not press charges (I did not tell on him for "sexually touching me" just that we kissed.) Anyway. It was a tough situation. However, the parallels between the scenarios are obvious. My therapist said at one time that I just want to take back the control I didnt have whne I was 12... to give it the 'ending' i always thought i'd have or wanted with my coach.

 

Anyway, so yes, I am slightly screwed up. As for us working at the same school and the consequences of being found out-- I am aware. We do not interact at school AT ALL this year (last year we were both very very stupid) but I do not want to lose my job. I am considering moving back home to a different state at the end of this school year though. I do know how bad it would be if something was found out.

 

And ARTIE... when I saw you had replied, I said "oh no." because i knew you would yell at me (not yell, but tell it to me straight) which I know is best and needed. But not easy. I want you to know that I intended to stop back when I posted, but I know intention means nothing. I did, however, let my husband go... so if nothing else in all this mess, I did finally do what was best for him.

 

it's just... I see this man that seems to 'want' and 'need' me at times and it makes me feel so worth it. then when he doesnt-- i feel completely lost. which i get is a self-esteem/inside job sort of thing. It's the fixing that and letting him go that I can't seem to do. Some days I am fine and could care less, and other times.. like tonight... I feel sick to my stomach by the fact that I think I need him.

And yes, I may be "giving it up" to him like a school girl-- but its only to him. I just feel.. his. When I am the farthest thing from it. And I would never stand for anyone to treat me the way I let him treat me. I know i need to stand up for myself. And I can go the next several days and say nothing, but then see him in the hallway and he winks and I'm done.

 

Thank you for your responses and encouragement.

[Artie Lang]

this is a retread of an earlier thread, though. KWIM.

 

you were so adamant that you were going to stay away from this guy at ALL COSTS, yet you find yourself in the same predicament.

 

it's especially f*cked up that you work with his wife; act like she's your friend, and "bang" her husband on the side-- REALLY F*CKED UP!!!

 

this guy is out for a "booty call," and you know it. he told you so.....straight to your face even. c'mon!!!

 

i'm done here. I felt for you at one point.....not anymore.

 

i feel for his wife, if anything. what you two are doing is despicable!

[Spark1111]

STOP having sex with him......and see how he treats you.

 

You are risking so much for a man who sexually desires you.

 

OK, but the TRUE test of his feelings and future faking is to stop having sex with him.

 

Drum up an excuse, allude to one of those mysterious female ailments;) and see what happens.

 

See what happens with his desire then. See what happens with your perception of him....

 

STOP the sex and see how you feel and see how he treats you.

 

A man who truly cares will WAIT for you.....till forever.

 

Jeez, my grandma told me that. The man that loves you is the one that WAITS for you.....

 

Do not lose your job and your reputation for someone who tells you whatever you want to hear to be your booty call....except when it is your time of the month.

[Spark1111]

PS: If an older MM is the best sex you've ever had, darlin' you need to date more.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

this is a retread of an earlier thread, though. KWIM.

 

you were so adamant that you were going to stay away from this guy at ALL COSTS, yet you find yourself in the same predicament.

 

it's especially f*cked up that you work with his wife; act like she's your friend, and "bang" her husband on the side-- REALLY F*CKED UP!!!

 

this guy is out for a "booty call," and you know it. he told you so.....straight to your face even. c'mon!!!

 

i'm done here. I felt for you at one point.....not anymore.

 

i feel for his wife, if anything. what you two are doing is despicable!

 

 

I actually am not her friend, nor to I pretend to be. We do not associate with one another and she was made aware back in January what kind of man she is married to. But no, I do know it is not fair to her regardless.

[Artie Lang]

as far as you "making a move," tell that BSto someone who hasn't read your original thread. maybe they'll believe you.

[Artie Lang]

@Spark- that is hilarious, but so true.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Artie Lang

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Good Lord, Artie. I called myself out in this original post saying that I had been down this road before and asked for help and that I did have other posts. I'm not hiding it. I'm asking for help and guidance from people that have been there and can help. Go yell at the women who are proud of being the OW and could care less about stopping. My actions may not be saying much, but I've got to start somewhere. Even if my first attempt failed.

 

Anyway, I don't owe you an explanation. Thank you to those of you who have read and offered your time. I don't think I"m a lost cause and i do think I can make this change.

[Furious]

Good Lord, Artie. I called myself out in this original post saying that I had been down this road before and asked for help and that I did have other posts. I'm not hiding it. I'm asking for help and guidance from people that have been there and can help. Go yell at the women who are proud of being the OW and could care less about stopping. My actions may not be saying much, but I've got to start somewhere. Even if my first attempt failed.

 

Anyway, I don't owe you an explanation. Thank you to those of you who have read and offered your time. I don't think I"m a lost cause and i do think I can make this change.

 

 

I remember you, and was so rooting for you. I feel real bad that you're still stuck in this situation.

 

I'm still rooting for you, you have so much potential, and deserve better than being used in such a way.

 

For whatever reason you are where you want to be, and that this affair is some sort of self punishment, maybe deep down inside you believe you are just a piece of meat, and that all your other accomplishments mean nothing.

 

You can make the change, it's just that you really don't want to.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I remember you, and was so rooting for you. I feel real bad that you're still stuck in this situation.

 

I'm still rooting for you, you have so much potential, and deserve better than being used in such a way.

 

For whatever reason you are where you want to be, and that this affair is some sort of self punishment, maybe deep down inside you believe you are just a piece of meat, and that all your other accomplishments mean nothing.

 

You can make the change, it's just that you really don't want to.

 

 

no no no. i so badly want to. the want to is there. really and truly. i just don't feel strong enough.

[Furious]

no no no. i so badly want to. the want to is there. really and truly. i just don't feel strong enough.

 

Reach out to someone close to you, lean on someone you trust.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

 

For whatever reason you are where you want to be, and that this affair is some sort of self punishment, maybe deep down inside you believe you are just a piece of meat, and that all your other accomplishments mean nothing.

 

the last thing you said made me burst into tears and feel sick to my stomach. because as pathetic as it is-- thats what i feel like. I have this whole other part of my life.. education, career, hobbies, friends... and its great. But, this one thing, with this one man... it like-- defines me. When he isn't wanting me or needing me, I feel so worthless. And I hate it. And I know that I want to deserve better, I just can't get myself to believe that I do.

[Furious]

the last thing you said made me burst into tears and feel sick to my stomach. because as pathetic as it is-- thats what i feel like. I have this whole other part of my life.. education, career, hobbies, friends... and its great. But, this one thing, with this one man... it like-- defines me. When he isn't wanting me or needing me, I feel so worthless. And I hate it. And I know that I want to deserve better, I just can't get myself to believe that I do.

 

 

I've also learned the hard way, that loving myself should have come first, that when you love yourself it sets the standard on who is honored to also love you.

[whichwayisup]

the last thing you said made me burst into tears and feel sick to my stomach. because as pathetic as it is-- thats what i feel like. I have this whole other part of my life.. education, career, hobbies, friends... and its great. But, this one thing, with this one man... it like-- defines me. When he isn't wanting me or needing me, I feel so worthless. And I hate it. And I know that I want to deserve better, I just can't get myself to believe that I do.

 

You're more than this! No man should define ANY woman, including you. A person can enrich in your life, make you feel even better. . . But to have this one man be your be all and end all is unhealthy.

 

Please seek counseling, to gain the self confidence that you DO have inside you. This man has manipulated you, on some level and he knows how to push your buttons, he knows your weaknesses and uses them against you, without you knowing it. You were complete without him, before he entered your life..YOU CAN be again. Believe that!

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

thank you all for your words. i went to the bookstore today and got some self-help/esteem type books. and I am going to make a therapy appointment first thing Monday. I had been going months ago when i was working things out with my marriage/divorce, but I never went further into all of this. And I definitely see that I need to.

[ThatJustHappened]

no no no. i so badly want to. the want to is there. really and truly. i just don't feel strong enough.

 

Step one, stop telling yourself you're not strong enough. You are.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Stop saying you can't stop the affair.

 

you can. You have the power to. It is the word "NO". Do what Spark says - tell him NO the next time he wants a booty call...and don't even pretend that it is more than that, because it isn't. See how long he hangs around. I would bet he has another young woman at the school he is banging, in addition to a student or two.

 

Don't be blaming anything on his wife...I guarantee you she asked him about it and HE said YOU were all googly eyed and wanted more..but he said no and he can't get you to leave him alone and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But what happens when his wife goes to the principal or the board of supervisors? What happens when she tells them that you are behaving unprofessional with regards to HER husband and she wants them to investigate...and they talk to MM and tells them YOU are pursing him and he is just trying to be nice? And YOU look like the one who doesn't know it isn't moral or ethical to screw a married man.

 

Stop using excuses to engaging in the affair. I was sexually abused as a kid and raped as a teen...I don't use that as an excuse to go around having sex with a married man. Stop using your past as a way to excuse or justify your behavior.

 

You know its wrong. You know you are more than a booty call. You are 26 years old with a future in front of you...how much longer are you going to be 'on call' for a married man? How long are you going to go weak in the knees because you like the sex with him?

 

I know you want better for yourself...so DO IT. Cut the cord and tell him if he contacts you again, you will inform his wife. And mean it.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm not blaming his wife for anything. And I know he probably said those things to her. But, I do have more than enough 'proof' that I am not the one doing the pursuing should anything crazy happen, however, that's irrelevant. I get your point and i know you're right.

 

I wasn't using my 'past' as an excuse, ever. One of the posters asked me if something had happened to me-- so I was responding. It's an explanation, but I know it isn't an excuse for my behavior.

 

It is just sex and I can say no. I will say no. I never said I wasn't strong enough, just that I don't feel that way when it comes to him.

 

He didn't contact me at all this weekend. I will completely avoid him at school and if he does text this next week.. I will say no. If nothing else, to prove that I can in fact do that much.

 

thank you again.