Newticus Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Hey, so this is probably going to be a long post, but I haven't talked to ANYONE about this and I really need to put it out there for someone to hear. I've been with my g/f almost 6 1/2 years. We were/are perfect together. She is my first female partner after a sting of useless male partners and she swept me off my feet. We do EVERYTHING together. We moved in together about a year into the relationship and we've now owned a house together for 3 years. So my g/f who is now my fiencee for all of 3 months started to work at this store where she made a good female friend. She doesn't make female friends easily so I was happy for her. Then I met the girl and she was pleasent but there was always something off about her. She hated her boyfriend and would lie to him all the time. So my g/f and I got to be pretty close with this work girl and her boyfriend. They spent a lot of time at our house and would sleep over and stuff. So one morning we are all recovering from drinking the night before and my g/f passes me her phone to hold, and open on the screen is a text message from this work girl (who is sitting not 4 feet from me) telling my g/f how she wants to jump my g/f's bones. And my g/f is responding, "I just want to hold" (she didn't get to finish the message). So I turn to her totally upset and leave to go to the bathroom. She follows immediately to find out what's wrong. She convinces me that she was going to type, "I just want to hold my g/f" and I stupidly believe her. So my g/f's work friend and her boyfriend leave and I start to insist that we not be friends with this girl any more. I have given up friends for my g/f when they acted inapporpriately towards me and it made her uncomfortable so I expected her to do the same. So at first she agrees, but then starts to get angry that she has to give up her friend for me. I just wanted her to be happy, so I gave in and agreed to forgive this girl for her behaviour. I later confront this girl after the 4 of us and some of our other friends go out drinking. I corner her in the bathroom at our house and ask her what the hell is she thinking and to stay the f*ck away from my g/f. She solomnly promises to do nothing further and that she is very sorry, she only sent the message while drunk the night before. Around this time my g/f starts talking about having a threesome with this girl and us. I flatly refuse. So one night we are at this work girls house cause her b/f is away and she is lonely. She gets really drunk and starts hitting on me and kisses my neck making me super uncomfortable cause I barely like this girl as it is. So on the way back to our house I tell my g/f and she gets all interested and starts asking again about a threesome. Time goes by and we see a lot of this girl and her b/f. And weird things start happening, my g/f starts texting her all night when we are spending it together. I get super frustrated and hurt that my g/f can't go for more then 20 minutes without texting this girl AND she starts to delete her text message history from her. My g/f starts telling me I'm acting psycho jealous and there is nothing going on and I'm being ridiculous. So one morning while my g/f is still asleep I take her phone and look through it. Sure enough there is a message from this work girl saying things like, "Good morning my love! I miss you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day! So I loose my sh*t! I accuse my g/f of carrying on a relationship with this girl. And at first she denies it, saying that this girl is just confused and lonely and THINKS she is in love with my g/f, and that I should note that she didn't say she loves her back, she just said , "hi". So I calm down and don't kick her out of the house. Then somehow it comes about in a way that I can't seem to remember that, yes my g/f does like her and would like to persue a polyamourous relationship with this girl and myself. My g/f took me on a drive around downtown to try and explain the situation. All I really remember hearing are some extreamly hurtful things that were not meant to be hurtful and my entire soul being shattered. Things like, "I said things like, you are the only one for me because that's the kind of thing people say" - in my mind meaning she never meant one word of the 4 years of love whipsers she'd given me. But I swallowed my pain and tried not to cry. I agreed that we could continue to talk about this polyamoury thing. We talked A LOT over then next week and at times I felt comfortable with the idea. I felt asured in my g/f's love of me and I wanted to make her happy. She had presented this polyamoury thing as part of her nature, it had always been there she just couldn't admit it till now. (I believe now that that is how she rationalized this to herself - that this was her nature. and I believe work girl helped her to come to this conclusion) She also claimed that she should be able to tell me about these feelings because we should be able to talk about anything with each other. I asked her why she didn't just leave with this other girl, and she replied, she only wants to do this if I am apart of it. She will not see this girl without me being involved. So long story not so short we three entered into a polyamourous relationship with no hanky-panky between work girl and I. So then proceeded about 6 months of brutal anxienty, fear, jealousy, mistrust and horror for me. My g/f promised me things would proceed at my pase. So they would only do stuff together that I was comfortable with. But they would have days off together where I was stuck at work, and my g/f would drive all over creation to do stuff with and for work girl, that she wouldn't do for me. I became convinced they were sleeping together "behind my back?" I got accused of being a jealous control freak and made to feel like I was crazy. I ended up going to see a psyciatrist and put on three different depression and anxiety meds and I took a month long leave of absence from work due to stress. All the while trying to make my g/f happy. Eventually I got to the point where I told my g/f to just f*ck her and get it over with, this limbo of the three of us being in a relationship where nothing really happens except we spend time together was really saping it out of me. My g/f was a bit shocked by me and asked if I even wanted to continue this, and I told her, "no, I really don't." So my g/f "broke up" with this work girl who like the drama queen she was told my g/f she'd ruined her life and would never talk to her again. I was SOOOOOOOOO happy! It lasted about 5 days. After that they were texting each other all night again and spending a lot of time together. I would get upset but was told I'm just being crazy again so I started to keep my mouth shut. Eventually work girl's b/f got wind of what was going on. He found a cache of work girl's texts and stuff on their computer from when she transferred all her files from one phone to the next. He told work girl to stop seeing my g/f and that my g/f had to tell me everything. So my g/f made a heart wrenching confession that work girl had sent her nude photos and she had reciprocated in kind and that yes she did love work girl but that was it. Oh and that they had kissed once, but my g/f said it felt wrong and they never did it again. I took all of this like a champ, swallowed my pride and my hurt and stayed with my g/f anyway. Work girl still snuck out from her b/f and would come to visit us and spend time with my g/f. But things where winding down between work girl and my g/f. My g/f was not happy with only getting a handfull of texts from her a day if that and not being able to see her. AND she felt betrayed that work girl would let her b/f find out about them. So, it was finally over my g/f ended up hating work girl who likewise ended up hating my g/f. Great news right? Not quite, here comes my shame. So as they are giving each other back their stuff my g/f comes home with a sex slip she gave work girl and she tells me about it. I asked why would you buy her that if you weren't sleeping with her. My g/f claimed that she bought it for work girl so she had something to feel sexy in, they never used it together, it was just for her. And I stupidly bought that. So a few months later I was asked to look through some old work stuff of my g/f to find something for her while she was at work. And I found a note from work girl to my g/f labeling her self as my g/f's fiancee. My g/f had yet to ask ME to marry her. So I called my g/f and she just said that she didn't remember why work girl would have called herself fiancee and left it at that. What could I do but swallow that? It was over any way and this whole thing had caused us both a lot of pain, so I dropped it. Now another few months pass and my g/f asked me to get something out of her email account and email it to her at work (she can't access personal email at work) So after I found what she was looking for and sent it to her I looked through her emails. I found and old one from work girl in which she details how nice it was to go down on my g/f and how perfect they are for each other and she never knew love like this could exist, blah blah blah. I felt like I had been punched in the chest. And the date from this little love note was from before we all tried this polyamoury thing. I didn't know what to do so I left the house. Eventually I calmed down enough to try and think about this rationally. It was done and over, had been over for almost a year by this point. Should I even bring it up to my g/f? It really only confirmed what I basically knew in my heart already. So I let some time go by in order to think and process. I eventually told my g/f what I had found out. I had decided to stay with her anyway, but I needed her to know if she EVER did this again, there would be dire consquences. But I didn't want to hurt her still, this had almost torn us apart before and I didn't really want it to do so now. Staying with my g/f and keeping her by my side had been the hardest war I have ever faced. Battle after battle threatened to take me down and destroy me, and yet some how I won. The shear will power it took to not a. kill myself, b. not kill my g/f and work girl c. keep most of my sanity was not something I was willing to throw away just because what I already "knew" was confirmed for me. However I am left in a situation where I cannot talk about my hurt and the shame at having let my g/f's attentions wander from me as well as believing all the b.s she fed me, or any of my feelings for that matter - because my g/f will leave, feeling like she ruined my life that she doesn't deserve to be with me and that she will be saving me by leaving ( not an outcome I am exicted about to say the least) and EVERY SINGLE DAY I think about work girl, and the betrayal I faced and resentment over the mental bombardment. It's been almost 2 years now and when those flashes come they are just as bitter and angry as they were 2 years ago. I don't know if I will ever stop hurting or ever get over this. It seems silly when I think I will possibly be agonizing over this in 15 years, but it's already been 2. Now if I leave, do I really think that will solve this hurt? No, I'll just have an extra helping of pain at being away from the person I love more then my own life. I guess I just wish my g/f/ fiancee knew just what I sacraficed for her and how deep I had to dig to stay alive for her. She is the one who has quite convieniently been able to forget almost everything about that time with work girl AND she had the benefit of sex, love and a good time. Me, I'm stuck holding the emotional bag of sh*t.
Exit Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) Yikes. Doesn't sound fun. I can relate on some levels. My last ex broke up with me once before for about 4 months. She started to get involved with someone else while still letting me think we would get back together. It was a similar situation where I would only get the truth out of her when I found enough evidence to confront her. I uncovered lie after lie, but like you, I felt like we had been through so much, and did manage to eventually get back together, that I tried to just add one more scar to my heart and keep on trying to live with it. I tried to tell her I was okay with it, I was okay knowing that this was always going to be part of our history, as long as we were a success in the end. But I couldn't really get over it, the trust never came back, the fighting started up again and got really ugly, and it was only 3 months back together before she ended it again, for good. Not trying to make this discussion about me, just letting you know that I can relate to some of it. I know that feeling when you come across something you weren't supposed to see and it feels like your skin is being peeled off. It's hard to give you advice since I let myself go so far down the same path, makes me feel somewhat like a hypocrite. But if 2 years has gone by and you still feel this bitterness and pain, it seems like it's just a ticking time bomb that is going to explode at some point. I know exactly how you feel, that even though you uncovered a few more lies, you got what you wanted, you're still with the person you love, and you don't want to mess it all up. But you seem a lot like me, no matter how much you want to forget about it, no matter how much you just want to forgive and move on, some part of you simply can't. Some people might have the fortitude to forgive such painful betrayals and move forward. It sounds like you are having trouble doing so. Which is understandable. It's not "wrong" of you to still be hurting about it. It's only wrong of you to keep subjecting yourself to this relationship when it really doesn't feel good for you. I know, you feel damned if you do and damned if you don't. It hurts to stay with her when you still have these painful memories, but it doesn't exactly sound like paradise to think about breaking up with her, still having the memories, and losing the relationship on top of it. Really though, the stone cold truth, is that you are with a liar. A very good liar. And the type of person who doesn't seem to be bothered by lying to people they love, except when they get caught, and then have to try to dodge the consequences. I only got back with my ex in a similar fashion, I caught her with yet another blatant lie, I told her this was it and she needed to decide, and in her moment of desperation, she told me she was done with the other person, was ready to commit to me again, etc. And on some level, I knew this was desperation, I knew she was just seeing the situation blow up in her face and she was trying to regain control. But I was so hurt at that point, so exhausted from the 4 months of being dragged around, that when she said we were going to try again and she was done with the other person, I fell for it. I'm not sure if you fit the category of codependent completely, but something is going on here. You have gone through hell just to be with someone you love. I was shocked when I got to the part of the story where you actually agreed to let her somewhat "be" with this other girl at the same time as dating you for a while. It's wonderful to be able to make sacrifices for someone you love, but when it gets to the point that you are sacrificing your own health and happiness to make these sacrifices, and you betray yourself in the process, it's not love, it's something toxic. First and foremost you have to love yourself, and when you let someone drag you through hell like this and you put up with it just to stay with them, something is not right. I am guilty of the same thing. I let my ex treat my like garbage. I excused every lie I came across. And the final lie of all was that she swore she wouldn't be giving us a second chance if she weren't sure that she was staying with me for good, only to throw me away again 3 short months later, and I still think about her and still miss her like an idiot sometimes. There is crossed wiring somewhere, we should hate these people, but we don't, we just keep absorbing more punishment. I don't really know what to tell you. On paper, I know you should really leave this relationship if those negative emotions are still bubbling up inside you. It would be one thing if you went through this entire ordeal, but now felt totally okay with it and ready to move on. Even then, some might tell you to break up with this person, but as long as you were handling it well, I'd say it's okay to stay if you really wanted to. But this is a different story. You're openly admitting that 2 years later these things still haunt you, and you're not sure if it will ever stop. That's no way to go through life. But as I said earlier, I feel like a hypocrite for telling you to end it, when I know I let myself behave in much the same way, making excuses to stay with a liar, feeling the jealousy and the hurt boil inside me every day and kept telling myself to just deal with it because at least I still had her. And she was the one who broke up with me again, so if that hadn't happened, I can't honestly say I wouldn't still be with her and going through exactly what you're going through. Something is definitely wrong with this picture though. Even from the first point in the story where you gave into the temptation to read the messages on her phone, once the trust is that far gone, the relationship almost should have ended right there. But it just continued on and got more and more toxic. Instead of your gf agreeing to put a stop to it, it went in the totally opposite direction and you agreed to let the two of them date. When you got the opportunity to look at her email, you dug for more dirt. More and more lies came out. The other girl's boyfriend was getting upset. You were getting upset. You just kept absorbing more and more pain like a punching bag and it seems you lack that switch in your mind that most people have where they said "Screw this, I don't deserve this". I do not envy the position you are in. It really does seem like you have two crappy choices to choose from. And I seemingly have a close enough mindset to yours that I can understand why staying together and just dealing with the pain can seem more appealing than deciding to break up on top of everything else. But I know other members here won't be so nice about it and they'd tell you you're crazy for staying and you need to figure out why you don't have any love for yourself or any desire to protect yourself from people like this. If one option is to stay together and bottle up all your emotions, and option two is to break up, I guess the only other option would be to stay together but be open and honest about how you are feeling. She owes you that much. I know you're afraid that if you tell her how it still hurts you, she'll maybe suggest breaking up just to do you a favor, and you don't want that. But you can't live in this constant state of pain. Say theoretically if you ask her to talk about it, if she right away got annoyed and said something like "oh god we have to talk about that again?" or something that like, that would show that she still lacks any understanding or empathy about what she did to you, and I think that would be a pretty clear sign that this is not worth continuing. If she really loved you, she would NOT want you to still secretly be in pain about it, and she would want to do whatever it takes to make up for the pain she caused. Anything less than that, if she acts like it's just an annoyance for you to want to talk about it again, just shows that there is no real remorse on her part, and like what happened with my ex, she acted out of desperation when she saw you were about ready to give up on the whole damn thing and then decided to offer full commitment to you. I pretty much demanded this of my ex. I told her if I needed to talk to her about what she did or needed help working through it, she would have to understand and not just expect me to get over it the next day. I remember her saying she didn't want to deal with it forever though, and when I asked her for a time frame, she said she hoped we'd be back to normal in under a year. But again, that was a lie, I got three months before she decided she didn't need to work on this anymore. So I guess that would be my most honest suggestion. I can't tell you to just break up and run like I think most people would do. But you cannot stay and just bottle all this up. It's going to take years off of your life if you try to live with these emotions. I think it's almost a self-resolving issue if you decide to confront it. If you open up and tell her that you still have some issues left over and need her to understand and try to work through it with you, she will either react with understanding and acceptance, or she is going to get hostile and throw up some defense mechanisms. Depending on which result you get, I think you'd have a much clearer idea about what your future needs to look like. It's important that you can't continue your trend of being a punching bag though. If you get a negative reaction from her, you can't just shrug it off and accept that you have to deal with this alone. You'd finally have to face the facts that this person doesn't care for you as you do for her, and go about trying to end this. This situation could also really benefit from some outside guidance. I don't know if either of you are the type to do something like this, but relationship counseling would really help navigate the treacherous waters of working this out together. The two of you handling it alone might just lead to shouting and screaming. You need a mediator to talk to each of you separately and to explain what each person needs from this to move on, and someone who can suggest the tools that will help you get there. Well, that's my long rant about this. I hope you will not subject yourself to continuing on in your current state. I only see two options, open up to her and try to finish working through it together, or it has to end. It appears some remnants of the situation have been swept under the rug and you're just trying to move forward and ignore it. I don't think you'll survive that. You need to admit to her that you know more details than she thinks and that you've been keeping it to yourself this whole time and it hurts, you need to accept her reaction to it, and then you need to decide if you're gonna keep doing this to yourself or not. You're hiding from the inevitable. If you tell her what you know, and she reacts with love and understanding, then you've hit the jackpot and you'll realize that you have someone who wants to make this right. If you tell her, and you're met with a bunch of hostility, then you know this is never going to be made right. And currently, your logic is "if I never bring it up, I'll never know if she loves me enough to help me through it, but I also won't have the face the possibility that she'll react negatively and prove that this isn't going to work". And you're accepting that as a false sense of security. But if she really doesn't care enough to not want you to be in pain, is it worth just pretending that the problem isn't there? I think you need to confront it, you need to see how she reacts. You might get good news, you might get bad news, but I think either one is better than this. Edited October 14, 2012 by Exit
CopingGal Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) Wholly crap! You need to do one or two things: 1- let it out. You have to tell you how you feel and it great detail. What kind of relationship is this...suffering in silence every day? No way. 2-consider walking away, but you might not have to if you let it out and can work through this. Couple's therapy is not the answer in every situation, but it might help with this. But remember, you (tried) to forgive her. Now she knows she can cheat and get away with it. Start journaling your feelings too. Wholly crap. Take care of you. Edited October 14, 2012 by CopingGal
brokenheart415 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 People change, either for the better or for the worse. You never changed, you've always remained faithful and kept true to your words. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're just involved in someone else's madness. I know it hurts, I've been with my ex for 6 and 1/2 years, left me for another man at her work, they've became friends instantly, and ended up leaving me and sleeping with each other exactly 1 month after, the next morning after we had our last intimate goodbye. The pain doesn't go away, it stays for a long while, I never knew she would be such a cold-hearted person, but don't beat yourself up. I got to the point where I begged, and cried everyday, making myself look like a fool in front of both of them... I'd say don't even give them the light of day and just disappear for good. She will think back one day, when she had her quarter-life or mid-life crisis, which ever one she has, and realize what she really lost, a really good and faithful lover.
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