xxoo Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 What I DO get concerned about are the real women my partner interacts with. Because those are REAL women, with real beauty and real personalities. They are not ridiculous fantasies (like porn or daydreams) but flesh and blood Fantasies.... amazingly hot and perfect women who any guy could fall hopelessly in love with. I'd rather a guy watch and masturbate to porn, then fantasize about how the girl in his study group looks without clothes on. The girl in study group is amazingly hot and perfect? Nah.... It's a sexual curiosity. There will sometimes be that little wonder....what would it be like with her? What does she look like naked? But it doesn't mean he thinks she's better, or thinks he'd have a better love life with her. Especially if he knows her IRL, he knows she is not perfect.
Author verhrzn Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 The girl in study group is amazingly hot and perfect? Nah.... It's a sexual curiosity. There will sometimes be that little wonder....what would it be like with her? What does she look like naked? But it doesn't mean he thinks she's better, or thinks he'd have a better love life with her. Especially if he knows her IRL, he knows she is not perfect. But she's better than me. So mix sexual curiosity with "trading up," and you get a deadly combination. And I really, really don't like my partner having a sexual curiosity for real-life women. That feels like a big threat, much bigger than porn. So thus my original question.... how do I accept/deal with men having sexual curiosities/thoughts about women they encounter in their everyday lives?
Lonely Ronin Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 But she's better than me. So mix sexual curiosity with "trading up," and you get a deadly combination. And I really, really don't like my partner having a sexual curiosity for real-life women. That feels like a big threat, much bigger than porn. So thus my original question.... how do I accept/deal with men having sexual curiosities/thoughts about women they encounter in their everyday lives? You either break up with him, or you trust him and accept that while he might have an occasional thought he won't act on them. Those are your only realistic options. if you chose the later option, you are going to have to address your paranoia as well, or you will likely drive him away. 1
LittlePrince Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 So this is a topic I've been posting frequently on, because I just don't get it. I have been told, multiple times, that men are visual and it's in their biology to "appreciate" other women's looks. I've been told that being attracted to other people and getting crushes in a long-term relationship is natural, and I shouldn't be threatened by it. But when I naturally extended this to assuming that all relationships should thus be non-monogamous, I was shot down, to the point of being told that most of the male posters would dump me on the spot if I suggested such a thing. So I really don't understand. How do you accept that your partner is constantly attracted/crushing on other women, but still wants to be monogamous? How does that make sense? How do you trust them when it seems like they're constantly being tempted, and it's "in their biology" to be always on the look-out for hot women? And when is your partner having a crush on another woman "natural," and when is it a red flag (and they are cheating and you should get yourself a good divorce lawyer)? By the time you become an adult whether male, female, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, etc. you should realize: 1.) You are not the only fish in the sea. Your lover will be interested in others when they are with you. 2.) People are too jealous for bonding that exceeds the inclusion of two mutually interested persons.
xxoo Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 So thus my original question.... how do I accept/deal with men having sexual curiosities/thoughts about women they encounter in their everyday lives? Work on your self image, so that you don't feel that random women (even prettier women) are "better" than you. Accept that whatever will be, will be, and enjoy the present.
LittlePrince Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Work on your self image, so that you don't feel that random women (even prettier women) are "better" than you. Accept that whatever will be, will be, and enjoy the present. or she can get to them first, sleep with them, and give a rating and review of each girl to her SO. That way he can be a more informed consumer.
Author verhrzn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Work on your self image, so that you don't feel that random women (even prettier women) are "better" than you. Accept that whatever will be, will be, and enjoy the present. *Scratches head* Except... they ARE better than me. By virtue of being hot and in grad school (study group and all) they're better than me. That's my main concern. I mean, why should a guy be trusted when he could/should trade up? If he's sexually curious about another woman, and she's interested, and she's better, why shouldn't he go for it? It just makes no sense to me how a guy could be sexually curious about another woman, and if she's better, somehow be trusted. Just makes no sense.
Lonely Ronin Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 *Scratches head* Except... they ARE better than me. By virtue of being hot and in grad school (study group and all) they're better than me. This is your opinion, and in this scenario your opinion means squat. He could disqualify her her for any number of reasons. 1
Author verhrzn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 This is your opinion, and in this scenario your opinion means squat. He could disqualify her her for any number of reasons. My opinion would mean nothing IF I was dumb, deaf and blind. I mean, like you LSers are always saying, there's always someone hotter, smarter, better than you... not that hard to conceive that the guy I'm dating would think so too.
Lonely Ronin Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 My opinion would mean nothing IF I was dumb, deaf and blind. I mean, like you LSers are always saying, there's always someone hotter, smarter, better than you... not that hard to conceive that the guy I'm dating would think so too. No, you didn't get my point. It doesn't matter what you think of this girl, it only matters what he thinks. 1
Author verhrzn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 No, you didn't get my point. It doesn't matter what you think of this girl, it only matters what he thinks. I am not missing your point. I am simply pointing out that there is little reason his opinion WILL be different... if he's "sexually curious" about her, then there's a good chance she already IS better than me in some way. Unless you guys want to start claiming guys get fantasies about ugly girls? I know when I am facing something superior, and everybody else knows it as well.
mesmerized Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I am not missing your point. I am simply pointing out that there is little reason his opinion WILL be different... if he's "sexually curious" about her, then there's a good chance she already IS better than me in some way. Unless you guys want to start claiming guys get fantasies about ugly girls? I know when I am facing something superior, and everybody else knows it as well. If you are so afraid of your man fantasizing about someone else and acting on it, date a man who is below you on every level, you wont have to worry anymore that way. I wouldnt do it myself but sounds like a good option for you. 2
Author verhrzn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 If you are so afraid of your man fantasizing about someone else and acting on it, date a man who is below you on every level, you wont have to worry anymore that way. I wouldnt do it myself but sounds like a good option for you. Would being below me mean he wouldn't fantasize about someone else and act on it, or he wouldn't succeed?
Lonely Ronin Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 if he's "sexually curious" about her, then there's a good chance she already IS better than me in some way. Unless you guys want to start claiming guys get fantasies about ugly girls? Even if she is substantially better looking than you, that doesn't mean he going to dump you to be with her. You put way to much emphasis on physical attraction and intelligence. I have known several very attractive & intelligent women in my life, and I probably rejected 90% of them. One was a chain smoker, one was a vegan, one was narcissistic, one was incredibly needy. You need to address your own insecurities V, or your never going to have a healthy relationship. 1
mesmerized Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Would being below me mean he wouldn't fantasize about someone else and act on it, or he wouldn't succeed? A combination of both. If hes below you he is going to find himself lucky to have you in the first place. So even though he might think about other pretty women he knows he wont have a chance and thinks to himself that he already has a great woman anyway.
xxoo Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I am not missing your point. I am simply pointing out that there is little reason his opinion WILL be different... if he's "sexually curious" about her, then there's a good chance she already IS better than me in some way. Unless you guys want to start claiming guys get fantasies about ugly girls? Sure, guys have sexual curiosities about women who are not pretty as well. How about this: learn to discern whether your partner is into you or not. If he is, you have little to worry about. If he isn't, break up with him instead of torturing yourself. 1
Emilia Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 If hes below you he is going to find himself lucky to have you in the first place. So even though he might think about other pretty women he knows he wont have a chance and thinks to himself that he already has a great woman anyway. The biggest misconception of our time, it's incredibly insulting towards the guy you think is beneath you and it results in very unhappy relationships. Quite possibly the worst piece of advice anyone can give. Apart from the fact that no-one should be grateful for being dated, it doesn't even work. YOU might think the guy isn't as good as you are but that doesn't mean he views you and himself the same way.
sweetkiwi Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 wow. Well. She might be better than you simply because you're so horribly insecure. Your man is a man, a straight man. You know why he wants you? Because you're a woman. If he wasn't sexually curious about other women then he'd be gay or have an extremely low sex drive. I am not the prettiest, most intelligent, funniest, or most charismatic. But damn it, everything about me somehow just comes together to make an attractive person. I'm i'm sure the same is true for you. If you want to be irresistable or irreplaceable then work on you. Don't worry about things you have no control over. You're killing your selfesteem. Which will kill any relationship fast. 1
LittlePrince Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 An alpha male doesn't need other women. He's fine with one. Quit dating beta males. There is no reason for anyone to cheat emotionally, sexually while in a serious relationship...unless that is how you both roll. Which I doubt. Alpha males don't settle or end up in long committed relationships. Women still foolishly try since it makes them look really good if she is able to nab him, but if the guy is an alpha male the woman can never truly have him.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I think for a guy to be truly into you, he needs to see you as the absolute best he can ever hope to get (in terms of physical beauty mostly). To increase our chances of that, we need to date undesirable guys :/
Author verhrzn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I think for a guy to be truly into you, he needs to see you as the absolute best he can ever hope to get (in terms of physical beauty mostly). To increase our chances of that, we need to date undesirable guys :/ The issue with THAT is I kind of have been doing that... I mean, I really liked the guys, because I am fortunately into dorky guys and I could care less about muscles or money. Purely on paper, I come out looking "better"... better job, better income, smarter, etc. The only place where they could rightfully trump me is social skills, as they always have more friends than I do. However, in every single case, dating me starts to increase their confidence, which in turns attracts better job prospects and a higher caliber of women. (This is also why I completely buy the idea that confidence makes men sexy to most women.... I've seen it over and over in action!) Soon enough, they can catch that better woman, and I am dumped and out in the cold. So it looks like dating "lesser" men isn't really the way out. Truthfully, I've never thought it was... I've always just tried to date who I like. Maybe that's somehow the problem?...
CarboniteCammy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 do any of your male friends have a crush on you, who are also suitable for dating? Maybe its who you're picking to date. Have you thought about signing up for eharmony?
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I think for a guy to be truly into you, he needs to see you as the absolute best he can ever hope to get (in terms of physical beauty mostly). To increase our chances of that, we need to date undesirable guys :/ I hope you are kind of trolling with this. There is a whole 'nother level that leaves how hot you are far behind in the dust. Certainly the people have to have a very compelling draw to one another to get anything good launched. I propose that if EITHER the guy or girl is objectively checking and thinking, "hm. I wonder if I can do better?" then the whole enterprise is doomed from the very start. I am in NYC at the moment with my husband visiting his son and his fiancee. The son is very attractive and he has a cool job, is in a band with recordings out and shows, etc. He is NOT a douchey type or what is commonly referred to around here as "alpha." He is more poetic, old-school and romantic. When he was a teenager, he dated the "Miss Teen" of the state they came from. His fiancee is NOT pretty. At all. When I first met her, I figured out this big theory about why my husband's 2 sons both have pretty plain (or, in one case, even bad looking) girlfriends while they are handsome. I think that it's because their mom is SO defined by her vanity and her attachment to her own physical good looks, and over the top high maintenance about that stuff, that it rendered all vain girls as undesirable by the boys. But, as I have grown to know this fiancee, I have started to see her as very attractive. It's also clear that she has a tremendous … power … sexually. He is TOTALLY into her. She has a graceful, lithe body, translucent skin and exquisite hands which he is really fascinated with. She has horribly crooked teeth and wears not a stitch of makeup, and is very pale and washed out. She is also really intellectually mighty and she speaks with passion and articulately about all the things she's interested in. Also, she is very emotionally open and expresses that. It's attractive. She has made a lot of super cool things happen for herself in her life. Clearly, he is enchanted with her. I am not saying that they will last forever (though I do predict that they will), but he is NOT, and has NEVER been thinking, "can I get a hotter one." You women are comparing all men to the lowest denominator of men when you buy into that stuff. Certainly those guys exist, and they have a big presence here and elsewhere on the Internet. I think they are unworthy of even two dates with a woman like the fiancee of my adult son in law … or with me. Don't let them be worthy of you either, because there is no good future in trying to be the "hottest" some rube can manage. Loosing game. The woman I'm talking about here is not so attractive because she is super exceptional, either. She is attractive because she, herself, values the things that she IS and she lives true to that. It's the best. Edited October 22, 2012 by Mme. Chaucer 7
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Truth to this. If your a man and you HAVE to be in a relationship to get regular sex in 2012 you lost I imagine that even the promise of faithfulness falls far short of enabling many of you guys to get any sex, regular or irregular. Maybe try paying money for it?
Author verhrzn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 do any of your male friends have a crush on you, who are also suitable for dating? Maybe its who you're picking to date. Have you thought about signing up for eharmony? No, none of my guy friends have crushes on me. I have signed up for eHarmony, Match, and OKCupid for over 6 months, and had zero luck on all of them. Okay here's the thing posters.... it's all great and swell to say that not all men are like that, that "good" men are sexually curious but don't trade up, etc. But EVERY woman wants a good man. Every woman wants a man who is so into her he never lets his fantasies get away from him. And by sheer numbers, not enough of these guys exist. So for those of us who are not attractive, who are not enough for a guy to be "totally into" us, but still desire love, what can we do? How can we cope?
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