How To Accept Partner Wanting Other Women?

[oaks]

If I could eat chocolate cake without ever getting fat, I couldn't comprehend why I wouldn't do it. If a guy could only gain from cheating (hotter sex with someone better, possible relationship upgrade, loss of current relationship would not effect them) why WOULDN'T they cheat?

 

In fantasy land that sounds great, and perhaps many more guys would cheat, but even in your hypothetical example it's still only a "possible" relationship upgrade, and in the real world there are plenty of other risks of cheating from catching diseases to having your current partner chop off your dick with a kitchen knife.

 

If I'm in a good relationship I don't cheat because I don't want to lose the relationship in exchange for sex with a new partner. In your hypothetical example it sounds like the relationship isn't all that, if its loss wouldn't affect the guy, so actually I wonder why he sticks around.

 

Seriously, if a guy could only gain by cheating then he should leave the girl he's dating anyway because the relationship clearly sucks donkey balls.

[verhrzn]

Your example assumes an unsatisfied man. An unsatisfied man may be more likely to cheat, yes. I can't argue with that.

 

The consequence is ruining, or losing, a great relationship. Of course it would affect them; statistically, men benefit from relationships more than women.

 

Why be with a man who is unsatisfied? I know...you don't think you have a choice. I don't know what to say about that, other than suggest you discuss it with a counselor.

 

Why do people automatically go to "low self esteem"? There ARE people in the world who are just not so attractive... looks, personality, qualities, however you want to phrase it. You've met them. There ARE people who end up alone their entire lives and not by choice. Or they get to a certain point and

 

 

Ok, maybe they weren't earnest. But what about the other men who observe you? How often does it occur? How many people in your social group have never seen you act that way?

 

People don't observe me. I am invisible until I prove otherwise. I know, I know, you won't believe me.... but I have hundreds of instances. Like how a group of my friends left me in the middle of the French Quarter during a band trip. I managed to find the way back to the hotel, and didn't encounter a single issue on the way there, even though I was 16 and it was nighttime. I don't get whistled at, I don't get cat-called from cars, men in the creepiest parts of town pay no attention to me. Seriously, I should find a way to extract and bottle this, because I'd make millions selling it to women who don't want to be assaulted.

 

Few of the places where I approach men include my social circle. They're almost always strangers.

 

But I STILL don't see what exactly is so horrible about "arguing" with a guy who puts me down. I don't scream, or yell, or raise my voice, or get snotty.... if anything, I adopt a submissive, apologetic tone when I get slammed down for just trying to show interest. How the heck would that perception effect me negatively in the eyes of the non-existent people paying attention?

[verhrzn]

In fantasy land that sounds great, and perhaps many more guys would cheat, but even in your hypothetical example it's still only a "possible" relationship upgrade, and in the real world there are plenty of other risks of cheating from catching diseases to having your current partner chop off your dick with a kitchen knife.

 

If I'm in a good relationship I don't cheat because I don't want to lose the relationship in exchange for sex with a new partner. In your hypothetical example it sounds like the relationship isn't all that, if its loss wouldn't affect the guy, so actually I wonder why he sticks around.

 

Seriously, if a guy could only gain by cheating then he should leave the girl he's dating anyway because the relationship clearly sucks donkey balls.

 

Well I'd guess for the same reason my ex stuck around.... I did tons of stuff for him. He got constant access to sex, me paying for stuff (because I was trying to be all Equal Partner and not a Gold-digger), someone to call when he was bored, an ego boost knowing that someone wants you (even if you don't want them.)

 

And maybe you can't find anyone to cheat with, yet. Maybe you haven't "nailed down" a replacement, so you keep the filler around until you do. Then you leave them.

 

Is it so hard to believe guys would be in a relationship just for access to constant sex and ego gratification? There are a couple of male posters on this very board who toyed around with the idea of getting a "practice girlfriend" to increase their relationship experience until they could attract the "real thing."

[oaks]

Is it so hard to believe guys would be in a relationship just for access to constant sex and ego gratification?

 

Oh, I see your point. Well, if the sex was good, perhaps.

 

Maybe that's it... you're good in bed!

[Pirouette]

The thing is, I have no idea why he had never been in a relationship before. He refused to share that information with me. Except for the occasional sex story ("She was boring in bed," "Older women are really hot") he was rather cagey about details. So I have no idea if he had been searching for a relationship and never found one, or if he'd never been seeking one out. Heck I can't even say why he dated me. It's out of character if he's a chronic player, but unlikely that I was the first girlfriend he could find after sleeping with upwards of a dozen girls. So it's not that I ignored it, it's that I couldn't make sense of it in either direction.

 

Sounds like there was no real meeting of minds between you two. If there was no meaningful communication with him, how could your relationship progress into something solid? You tacitly accepted this knowing all you did about his history.

 

I am still almost certain he'll end up in a monogamous relationship (heck, might be in one now, for all I know.) He was constantly saying how he'd grown to hate friends-with-benefits and really wanted something stable and a family and things.

 

Perhaps. Who can know the future? I'm not saying that he's incapable of being in a monogamous relationship, but likely the one that will succeed will be with a woman that he has full disclosure and open communication with, one with boundaries that they both understand and accept.

 

5 out of 6. Cheating vs. leaving is hard to say; I only have solid proof of cheating in 2, but lots of rumors around the other 3. It seems the most common thread in the non-proven cheating ones were they might not have directly cheated, but had found someone else while dating me.

 

Out of the 5, 2 of them are still with the girl they left me for. 1 of the others is dating someone else, and has been happy/monogamous for several years. The second one had a long series of life events (going back to school, cancer, had a baby with a one night stand), and the third is my last ex who may be dating someone else (I don't keep tabs on his romantic life, aside from the occasional comment from mutual friends.)

 

Are the two confirmed cheaters the ones still with the other woman?

 

Considering that you are still young, I'll hazard a guess that a lot of these breakups happened when you were pretty young, when people are notorious for making mistakes and not handling situations to the best of their ability. A history of 6 breakups is not uncommon among people our age, and it could be that your relationships were running their course but your exes were too immature to end it properly.

 

I still say your last ex was not a good bet for a happy, monogamous relationship.

 

Have you ever broken up with someone? Have you started dating someone, gotten to know them better and discovered that they have characteristics or values that are incompatible with yours?

[verhrzn]

Sounds like there was no real meeting of minds between you two. If there was no meaningful communication with him, how could your relationship progress into something solid? You tacitly accepted this knowing all you did about his history.

 

I didn't say there was no communication, just that he wouldn't discuss his past. Additionally, he lied/omitted several pieces of information until we were well into the relationship (number of sex partners, how often he did friends-with-benefits, who he was currently sleeping with, etc.) I won't claim that he was a perfect saint at the beginning, but who is? Going by MY actions, you could claim the very same thing of me... that I'm a player who sleeps around.

 

Perhaps. Who can know the future? I'm not saying that he's incapable of being in a monogamous relationship, but likely the one that will succeed will be with a woman that he has full disclosure and open communication with, one with boundaries that they both understand and accept.

 

Aaaand he'll have open communication and full disclosure with her because he likes her enough. Or, he'll mend his ways. Plenty of guys are players who (supposedly) settle down and never share their past with their current wife.

 

 

Are the two confirmed cheaters the ones still with the other woman?

 

Nope, strictly monogamous.

 

Considering that you are still young, I'll hazard a guess that a lot of these breakups happened when you were pretty young, when people are notorious for making mistakes and not handling situations to the best of their ability. A history of 6 breakups is not uncommon among people our age, and it could be that your relationships were running their course but your exes were too immature to end it properly.

 

I still say your last ex was not a good bet for a happy, monogamous relationship.

 

Have you ever broken up with someone? Have you started dating someone, gotten to know them better and discovered that they have characteristics or values that are incompatible with yours?

 

I'm 27... How is that young?

 

And the only person I've broken up with was the 1 guy, who I am now dating again. So, no.

[Pirouette]

I didn't say there was no communication, just that he wouldn't discuss his past. Additionally, he lied/omitted several pieces of information until we were well into the relationship (number of sex partners, how often he did friends-with-benefits, who he was currently sleeping with, etc.) I won't claim that he was a perfect saint at the beginning, but who is? Going by MY actions, you could claim the very same thing of me... that I'm a player who sleeps around.

That's sounds like no good communication to me since you knew about his past and thus, once you both decided to try for a new level of intimacy, would understandably require disclosure and reassurance. Does lying and omitting key information sound like good communication to you?

 

You both agreed to FWB terms at the beginning, and nothing more was required of either of you, but once the relationship status changed, the terms changed, which means open, honest, communication and respect. That would mean discussing the past that you already knew about, what you both want for the future, and what is and is not acceptable.

 

How can you say you had decent communication when above you assert that you had no idea why he was dating you, why he never wanted to try a monogamous relationship before, how he felt about relationships, etc, especially in light of his player past?

 

Aaaand he'll have open communication and full disclosure with her because he likes her enough. Or, he'll mend his ways. Plenty of guys are players who (supposedly) settle down and never share their past with their current wife.

Don't you see that he'll give that to a woman because he likes her enough and also because she will settle for nothing less? If he won't give it to her, there won't be a relationship to speak of. If she didn't require it of him, maybe he wouldn't respect her enough to to do so.

 

You seem to think people treat others the way they deem them to be inherently worth, when really people usually treat others the way that they are allowed to.

 

Nope, strictly monogamous.

 

I'm 27... How is that young?

I'm 27. It's young.

 

The guys you dated were and are young. Cheating should be a stupid, youthful mistake. If they are not remorseful and it continues, then it's a black mark on their character and you should be glad to rid of them.

 

And the only person I've broken up with was the 1 guy, who I am now dating again. So, no.

A whole lot of my friends, at the young age of 27 to 35, are single, or in BF/GF relationships, after going through up to 10s of failed relationships. It's not easy to find someone you can be compatible with for the next 20+ years, hence so many trial and error relationships.

 

So I find it interesting that you have never felt like your relationships were incompatible, because the probabilities are that most of the people you meet/date will not be well-matched with you.

[WonderKid]

It goes both ways. Lol

We are all human. And for anyone to sit and say they haven't been attracted to another are lying. It happens. I've been with my gf and I would walk across a few attractive women and be like, well damn--doesn't she look good? But it wasn't like I was not attracted to my girl. I just wouldn't disrespect her though. There's a thin line between love and respect.

 

It's where most relationship goes down the drain because its how your partner takes it. If I was with my woman and she kept asking questions like; well do you think that woman is attractive? You like how she looks? What do you like about her? I'm gonna tell her exactly why. Why lie about it? She's doing the same thing. I wouldn't be mad at her.

 

Idk it just sound absurd to think a man or woman would remain attracted just to one partner even if they're married. You just have to communicate and talk about it. You never know what may happen.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I don't really think it's the attraction to others that is bothersome. It's the lusting, focusing on, fantasizing about and dreaming about. I mean, saying stuff like "damn, she is hot"..or whatever is not really that objective and controlled. You are having an immediate reaction to another woman. Saying something like, "she is an attractive woman", and than never thinking of her every again is very different from what most men seem to engage in. Which is fantasize about every good looking woman they pass by and have completely visual emotional lustfilled reactions to them.

[kaylan]

^Become a nun maybe? Because you dont seem like youll ever be content with way most people are wired.

 

Might as well be celibate and not date, because men and women have fantasies.

 

Get over it already.

[WonderKid]

I can agree on the lusting thing. But that's where the respect comes in at. There's a thin line between love and respect. You know what your partner will tolerate and what they will not. Men have wet dreams. And when they do 9 times outta 10 its not about their partner.

Women have hot dreams and the odds are the same.

 

When I would say "Damn..she's hot" I'd keep that as a thought in my own head.

 

If you talk about these fantasies before getting married or too serious, maybe you can see if this person is for you or not.

[Shaun-Dro]

So this is a topic I've been posting frequently on, because I just don't get it. I have been told, multiple times, that men are visual and it's in their biology to "appreciate" other women's looks. I've been told that being attracted to other people and getting crushes in a long-term relationship is natural, and I shouldn't be threatened by it.

 

But when I naturally extended this to assuming that all relationships should thus be non-monogamous, I was shot down, to the point of being told that most of the male posters would dump me on the spot if I suggested such a thing.

 

So I really don't understand. How do you accept that your partner is constantly attracted/crushing on other women, but still wants to be monogamous? How does that make sense? How do you trust them when it seems like they're constantly being tempted, and it's "in their biology" to be always on the look-out for hot women?

 

And when is your partner having a crush on another woman "natural," and when is it a red flag (and they are cheating and you should get yourself a good divorce lawyer)?

 

I thought you couldn't get a boyfriend?? Let's see how long he'll stick around. I got my eyes on my watch as we speak.

[xxoo]

I don't really think it's the attraction to others that is bothersome. It's the lusting, focusing on, fantasizing about and dreaming about. I mean, saying stuff like "damn, she is hot"..or whatever is not really that objective and controlled. You are having an immediate reaction to another woman. Saying something like, "she is an attractive woman", and than never thinking of her every again is very different from what most men seem to engage in. Which is fantasize about every good looking woman they pass by and have completely visual emotional lustfilled reactions to them.

 

What exactly does the bolded mean? Do you think they get an erection on the spot? Masturbate to the thought of every good looking woman they pass later? What specifically do you believe they are doing with these thoughts?

[Leigh 87]

I don't really think it's the attraction to others that is bothersome. It's the lusting, focusing on, fantasizing about and dreaming about. I mean, saying stuff like "damn, she is hot"..or whatever is not really that objective and controlled. You are having an immediate reaction to another woman. Saying something like, "she is an attractive woman", and than never thinking of her every again is very different from what most men seem to engage in. Which is fantasize about every good looking woman they pass by and have completely visual emotional lustfilled reactions to them.

 

 

 

This is how my partner puts it. And he really appreciates a nice looking women:

 

" Sure, the natural reaction to a person is to either feel attracted I do not think about having sex with every hot women I see. In fact, I seldom think about fantasies or sex with them upon first glance at all, I just acknowledge they are hot and move on"

 

When guys masturbate/jerk off, my bf says he thinks of me/what Im doing, and only sometimes thinks about threesomes and random celebs.

 

I think fantasies are normal and I am comfortable with them, so long as he does not have the same women in them time and time again.

 

Do you honestly think your potential bf will love you less, if he has ANY fantasies of other women? What if he thinks of you MORE than other women?

 

My bf's friend admitted that even with a model he dated who he loved (for 5 years) that he SELDOM thought about her when he jerked off. " I have her all the time, so I think of anything BUT her when wanking"

 

I told my bf and he is different; just like every guy is.

 

So now all guys are the same, evidentally. I think searching for a guy that ever thinks of other women at all is going to be hard to find, but worth it if it is what you need.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

^Become a nun maybe? Because you dont seem like youll ever be content with way most people are wired.

 

Might as well be celibate and not date, because men and women have fantasies.

 

Get over it already.

 

What part of my post suggested nunship?

 

I think in these internet conversations people try to justify behavior on how we are "wired" when the part they are focusing is only a very limited part to the whole picture of how we are "wired".

[Disenchantedly Yours]

What exactly does the bolded mean? Do you think they get an erection on the spot? Masturbate to the thought of every good looking woman they pass later? What specifically do you believe they are doing with these thoughts?

 

I think men have a visual roledex sometimes that they are able to pull images from for their fantasies. Sometimes I bet that even while having sex with someone they "love", images of other women flash in their heads.

 

Basically, men are not really expected to exercise much self control in society. Short of actually banging someone else, men get away with an awful lot.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

 

I think fantasies are normal and I am comfortable with them, so long as he does not have the same women in them time and time again.

 

Do you honestly think your potential bf will love you less, if he has ANY fantasies of other women? What if he thinks of you MORE than other women?

 

My bf's friend admitted that even with a model he dated who he loved (for 5 years) that he SELDOM thought about her when he jerked off. " I have her all the time, so I think of anything BUT her when wanking"

 

I told my bf and he is different; just like every guy is.

 

So now all guys are the same, evidentally. I think searching for a guy that ever thinks of other women at all is going to be hard to find, but worth it if it is what you need.

 

 

I think fantasies are normal too. However today, I think people are living in "fantasy" land much more so than ever before. With so much exposure to pornography, I don't even remember the last time someone simply talked about sex and not their fantasies. People are always talking about their fantasies lately and how many they have and the likes of that. I want to know when sex stopped being good enough for people *shrug*.

 

I think that there is a very hedonisitic idea today and a misconception that you can't control your thoughts or that everything you think is perfectly fine. To a point, like anything, fantasy is healthy. But I don't believe people are balancing "fantasy" any better than theydo anything else in their life.

 

I have no dbout that most men think more about the women they don't have rather then the one they do. Which is why I've always said it's better to be a man's fantasy then the actual woman by his side. What kind of pay off does the actual woman by a man's side get? She gets to know that because he already has her, he thinks about every other woman he doesn't have. Yay!

[xxoo]

I think men have a visual roledex sometimes that they are able to pull images from for their fantasies. Sometimes I bet that even while having sex with someone they "love", images of other women flash in their heads.

 

How often do you believe this is happening? Is this only a problem with frequency, or a problem that men do this at all?

 

What about when women do the same, drawing from things like 50 shades of grey?

 

 

Basically, men are not really expected to exercise much self control in society. Short of actually banging someone else, men get away with an awful lot.

 

What is something they get away with? Fantasizing?

 

You have "love" in quotes, but assuming real love, and assuming a strong sexual desire for his partner, is any fantasy about others ok? How much self control is expected?

Edited October 19, 2012 by xxoo

[Disenchantedly Yours]

[Xxoo

How often do you believe this is happening? Is this only a problem with frequency, or a problem that men do this at all?

 

What about when women do the same, drawing from things like 50 shades of grey?

 

I think 50 Shades is junk. I think it's lame to hear women go on about "Christian Grey".

 

I understand that people are human beings and thoughts of others will slip in sometimes. However, today it's not really about "sometimes" or "once-in-awhile" anymore. Not with how people are using porn today. Most people are looking at porn pretty regularly. A lot of people seem to think they aren't capable of mental control. That somehow, physical control of our bodies is prized (such as exercising so that you look good or are healthy) but for some weird reason people get all freaked out if they are expected to control or re-shape their thought process. For some reasons they don't think it's "healthy" to work on their mental state even though people know that it's "healthy" to work on our physical bodies. People seem to want to believe that if they think it, it's okay. On some level it is, sure. Actions speak louder than thoughts. But here is the difference, someone that might accidently think about hitting someone else but quickly pushes that out of their mind or someone that sits there and day-dreams about hitting someone for mental masturbation. One is actively trying to change their thought pattern, the other is ruminating around in it. And to me, it's that ruminating around that can be unhealthy.

 

My personal belief is that one should always be growing and changing, and that requires some amount of mental control/re-thinking. It's something that is probably a life long journey. It's something I know I got to work on. But I do try. Some people will refer to this as "thought police". But I disagree that that phrase because it infers that people are not capable of controlling their thoughts when they are if they put the work in. I just don't think most people want to put that work in. They will prize the body of an exteriorly fit shape and the self control it required to look like that but for some strange reason people don't prize the same self control on a mental level. But isn't that basically why we get educated in school? To shape our minds? Why do we think that shaping our minds stops once we are out of school? And why do we think that shaping our minds should just be about educational things? I think it also pertains to emotional, social and even fantasy sometimes.

 

I am not saying some fantasy isn't healthy. I am saying the level which society okays free thought for sexualy fantasy isn't exactly healthy. Especially when we have some many avenues today that people are infact indulging in on a regular bases. Men aren't looking at porn once a month anymore. They aren't getting one magazine with still picture of naked women. That's not what the industry is anymore and it's not how most men are consuming the product. I also think this applies to women and 50 shades of grey or porn themselves.

 

 

 

how much self control is expected?

 

More so than I think what most men give today in relationships.

 

Most men talk about how porn keeps them from cheating or keeps them satisified. It's like men today think they need porn to be happy in a relationship. I bet a lot of their father's and grandfather's lived perfectly happy lives with their mother's and grandmothers without needing all the porn that men today seem to need. I actually think the porn breeds more disatisifaction than satisifaction. When you are use to hoping on your computer and having about 50 different looking women at your finger tips engaging in any sex act of your choosing on command, it rehapes your mind. I don't know one person that is going to deny that if they understand anything about the human mind.

[SteveC80]

 

 

Most men talk about how porn keeps them from cheating or keeps them satisified. It's like men today think they need porn to be happy in a relationship. I bet a lot of their father's and grandfather's lived perfectly happy lives with their mother's and grandmothers without needing all the porn that men today seem to need. I actually think the porn breeds more disatisifaction than satisifaction. When you are use to hoping on your computer and having about 50 different looking women at your finger tips engaging in any sex act of your choosing on command, it rehapes your mind. I don't know one person that is going to deny that if they understand anything about the human mind.

 

Pure bullcrap theyres millions of women in loving relationships who adore their man and dont buy into the hateful garbage you spew

 

Maybe its time to look inside of you because you are the common denominator in all this.Millions of women found a man to love and cherish and not bitch about yet because you cant find one nad are highly insecure its you who is right and enlightened and all these owmen blinded by their man who dont know what a creep he is for using porn:rolleyes:

[xxoo]

I think 50 Shades is junk. I think it's lame to hear women go on about "Christian Grey".

 

I agree.

 

Still, it is undeniably used as fodder for masturbatory fantasy for many women, along with Twilight, and before that it was Legends of the Fall (am I dating myself?), and before that it was something else. Women have not been deprived of masturbatory storyline/characters in books, movies, and television in my lifetime.

 

Most men talk about how porn keeps them from cheating or keeps them satisified.

 

Most men? No way. A vocal minority speaks that way. A young group, for the most part.

 

I would never suggest a woman be with a man who claims to need porn in any way. Use and enjoyment do not equal need.

 

Many mature men, with wives and kids, still fall into the once-a-month usage. That hasn't changed. Who has the time?

Edited October 19, 2012 by xxoo

[Lonely Ronin]

Most men? No way. A vocal minority speaks that way. A young group, for the most part.

 

This one of the things I don't get about some members of this forum, they seem unable to reason and separate the views and rantings of a minority from the views of the majority.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I sometimes have images flashing in my head that aren't of my husband while having sex, too …

 

Am I an evil beast?

[xxoo]

I sometimes have images flashing in my head that aren't of my husband while having sex, too …

 

Am I an evil beast?

 

Depends. Are they images of Christian Grey?

[Leigh 87]

I think fantasies are normal too. However today, I think people are living in "fantasy" land much more so than ever before. With so much exposure to pornography, I don't even remember the last time someone simply talked about sex and not their fantasies. People are always talking about their fantasies lately and how many they have and the likes of that. I want to know when sex stopped being good enough for people *shrug*.

 

I think that there is a very hedonisitic idea today and a misconception that you can't control your thoughts or that everything you think is perfectly fine. To a point, like anything, fantasy is healthy. But I don't believe people are balancing "fantasy" any better than theydo anything else in their life.

 

I have no dbout that most men think more about the women they don't have rather then the one they do. Which is why I've always said it's better to be a man's fantasy then the actual woman by his side. What kind of pay off does the actual woman by a man's side get? She gets to know that because he already has her, he thinks about every other woman he doesn't have. Yay!

 

 

 

Hey hey there. It is not all bleak, my boyfriend says he prefers to focus on the real thing than to use fantasies. And when he jerks off he thinks of me mostly.

 

I do not mind if my partners think about other women, as long as they think about ME more! ANdrew says he thinks about me mostly, and the other women less.

 

The other key thing is: it is to be an actress/celeb or model and NOT a girl he knows in real life! I would absolutely not be okay with my bf thinking about his mates hot girlfriend repeatedly!!!!!!!!!!

 

Or worse still, an EX!

 

Before progressing to the next level with me and my bf, we discussed all this, because frankly some people have needs that need to be met. We both wanted to know that we mostly thougth of each other, with fantasies on the side from the main course.

 

What do you think about fantasies if they only comprise a SMALL part of the picture?