How To Accept Partner Wanting Other Women?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I agree. Still, it is undeniably used as fodder for masturbatory fantasy for many women, along with Twilight, and before that it was Legends of the Fall (am I dating myself?), and before that it was something else. Women have not been deprived of masturbatory storyline/characters in books, movies, and television in my lifetime.

 

Legends of the Fall? Like men don't have millions of mainstream movies that are mental masturbation for them? Think any James Bond movie with an aging male actor and young hot babe to share the adventure with.

 

I don't really think most women are physically mastubating to 50 Shades or Twilight. While I don't deny that some women enjoy these things and some might even masturbate to them, I largely don't believe that most do. I would compare these books for women as video games for guys. Something stereotypically enjoyed by the other gender but usually not something one is masturbating too.

 

Also, these are kind of new outlets, the popularlity of these books. I've said a bunch of times now that women's sexuality is changing and women are accepting more junk into their lives now too. But this doesn't explain, justify or take away from the issue of pornography and how men deal with that or what the content of porn can be. So I really dislike the argument, "Oh well women have this so porn is okay." No it's not. That's an awful justification.

 

Nothing even close to the scale and degree men have through pornography. I think it's kind of lame to use 50 Shades or Twilight as an anthem for female sexuality or masturbation when I've heard tons of women who thought these books utterly ridiculous. One little book comes out and people are ready to act like it's comparable to an industry that's been around for such a long time that's regularly used real live women as objects for male sexual pleasure and degradement. Until women are masturbating to material that is calling men names like fag, jerk, idiot, stupid, *********...the list goes on, and these men are being slapped around, choked and slapped..the industry is never going to be quiet the same.

 

I also never said women have been deprived of anything. But I do think the way women fantsize is different from how men do. I also think using mainstream products to compare to porn is not right. Men have many mainstream things they use as well on top of al lthe porn they have. Lets not act like men don't have tons of music, music videos, books, and mainstream movies that cater to fantasy ideals. Lets not use mainstream movies women have and compare them to porn. Lets actually compare male mainstream movies to female mainstream movies. Sounds more fair right?

 

Most men? No way. A vocal minority speaks that way. A young group, for the most part.

 

I have heard that comment from men of all ages in different places than just this message board. Apparently the only thing that keeps men from cheating is having porn where they can think about cheating.

 

I would never suggest a woman be with a man who claims to need porn in any way. Use and enjoyment do not equal need.

 

Rarely does any man ever claim he needs it.

 

Rarely yet does any man actually not use porn despite claiming he doesn't really need it.

 

Kind of an oxymoron.

 

I think a lot of men like to believe they aren't dependent on porn when they really are. You don't look at something since you are a young teen and not form some kind of attachment with it.

 

Many mature men, with wives and kids, still fall into the once-a-month usage. That hasn't changed. Who has the time?

 

I think we are kidding ourselves if we think male porn usage hasn't change with the advent of the internet. I actually think it's foolish to even believe that. But if a mature man is so happy with his wife and kids, why look at it at all? If he is so busy...why look at it at all?

 

Men are looking at a lot of porn nowadays. I think that's a given. Just look at how the conversation has changed regarding pornography. It's become a much bigger part of men's lives than they really care to admit to. I hope some day it gets to the point where men wise up and see how much of their sexuality is controlled by an outside industry. Where they have bought into, eat up and indulged in material sold to them by other men who told them what they should like and who've become rich off of it. The big lie is that porn satisifies or "helps". When all it really does is feed off for more and more porn. Which is exactly what most men do since men seem largely handicapped on having to use porn for the rest of their lives the second they can't get their needs met. Unfortunetly, self control and a little denial of self pleasure is good for people. But a lot of people are all about *me* and what they need and immediate gratifiation that a lot of people don't even know how to or understand why some self control and a little denial of pleasure can be good for them.

 

Ironically, men love when women deny themselves plesaure and don't eat that ice cream or that last piece of cake or have the discipline to work out. They just don't want to have to exercise too much self control regarding their own sexuality which is why they use pornography like a crutch.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Most of our mothers and grandmothers weren't entitled post feminism *****. My grandmother thinks it's ridiculous for all of these women to start bloating up within months of getting married.

 

I bet your father's and grandfathers didn't look at nearly the amount of porn you and current men do either.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

This one of the things I don't get about some members of this forum, they seem unable to reason and separate the views and rantings of a minority from the views of the majority.

 

The difference is not about what some members aren't able to see or seperate. The difference is that you believe that those men are in the minority and other posters don't agree with that.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I sometimes have images flashing in my head that aren't of my husband while having sex, too …

 

Am I an evil beast?

 

See now, I have to tap into some pretty strong self control as to not answer that!

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Hey hey there. It is not all bleak, my boyfriend says he prefers to focus on the real thing than to use fantasies. And when he jerks off he thinks of me mostly.

 

I do not mind if my partners think about other women, as long as they think about ME more! ANdrew says he thinks about me mostly, and the other women less.

 

The other key thing is: it is to be an actress/celeb or model and NOT a girl he knows in real life! I would absolutely not be okay with my bf thinking about his mates hot girlfriend repeatedly!!!!!!!!!!

 

Or worse still, an EX!

 

Before progressing to the next level with me and my bf, we discussed all this, because frankly some people have needs that need to be met. We both wanted to know that we mostly thougth of each other, with fantasies on the side from the main course.

 

What do you think about fantasies if they only comprise a SMALL part of the picture?

 

I think it's pretty natural and normal if it's a SMALL part of the picture. I guess my concern that with most men, it's not just a small part of the picture.

 

I don't expect perfection from men or myself. I don't expect that he will never be sparked by another woman or a thought won't slip in. In some regard, it can be good because than it does test if he stays with me or goes. But I think a lot of men in particular take it too far with the porn and fantasizing.

[ThaWholigan]

I think it's pretty natural and normal if it's a SMALL part of the picture. I guess my concern that with most men, it's not just a small part of the picture.

 

I don't expect perfection from men or myself. I don't expect that he will never be sparked by another woman or a thought won't slip in. In some regard, it can be good because than it does test if he stays with me or goes. But I think a lot of men in particular take it too far with the porn and fantasizing.

How do you know it's not a small part of the picture? Maybe you are the one magnifying it's importance and not the man. Just a thought, not a criticism.

[xxoo]

Legends of the Fall? Like men don't have millions of mainstream movies that are mental masturbation for them? Think any James Bond movie with an aging male actor and young hot babe to share the adventure with.

 

I don't really think most women are physically mastubating to 50 Shades or Twilight. While I don't deny that some women enjoy these things and some might even masturbate to them, I largely don't believe that most do. I would compare these books for women as video games for guys. Something stereotypically enjoyed by the other gender but usually not something one is masturbating too..

 

50 shades of Grey is basically erotica. There is little "story", other than sexual tension.

 

Women may not have the book open, one hand holding and the other touching herself. But they are reading and then pulling from those scenes later when masturbating.

 

I masturbated to scenes from Legends of the Fall when I was younger--but not while actually watching the movie. They were just incorporated into my fantasies, for use later.

 

If you personally have never used scenes from books or movies as a fantasy for masturbation (especially a very sexual book like 50 shades), you may be an outlier. That doesn't make the rest of us abnormal, wrong, or lacking in self control.

 

How does it hurt my marriage and relationship if I masturbate Tristan from Legends of the Fall sometimes? How does it hurt my relationship if my H masturbates to a Bond Girl scene sometimes? I don't see the damage or the threat.

Edited October 20, 2012 by xxoo

[xxoo]

How do you know it's not a small part of the picture? Maybe you are the one magnifying it's importance and not the man. Just a thought, not a criticism.

 

That's the breakdown in the conversation.

 

Both men and women will be attracted to others during the course of a relationship.

 

This is either completely normal and nothing to worry about, or destructive and a huge red flag, depending on how much importance those attractions carry, and on the perception of the importance those attractions carry. If either the actual importance or the perception of importance is out of whack, it can cause problems in the relationship.

[ThaWholigan]

That's the breakdown in the conversation.

 

Both men and women will be attracted to others during the course of a relationship.

 

This is either completely normal and nothing to worry about, or destructive and a huge red flag, depending on how much importance those attractions carry, and on the perception of the importance those attractions carry. If either the actual importance or the perception of importance is out of whack, it can cause problems in the relationship.

To be honest, I think DY stands a chance of finding a man who doesn't lend credence to fantasies much and fails to acknowledge them - or possibly to the point of denying to himself that he even has them.

 

I do know guys who are like this, only have eyes for their Mrs. We can control our thoughts to a degree, but to repress them is not really a good thing as they have a habit of manifesting after the fact.

[xxoo]

I do know guys who are like this, only have eyes for their Mrs. We can control our thoughts to a degree, but to repress them is not really a good thing as they have a habit of manifesting after the fact.

 

That's the danger of someone who insists they never have these thoughts. Are they simply repressing it, because they believe these thoughts are wrong? That's more dangerous to a relationship that acknowledged, accepted thoughts, imo.

[mesmerized]

I think it's pretty natural and normal if it's a SMALL part of the picture. I guess my concern that with most men, it's not just a small part of the picture.

 

I don't expect perfection from men or myself. I don't expect that he will never be sparked by another woman or a thought won't slip in. In some regard, it can be good because than it does test if he stays with me or goes. But I think a lot of men in particular take it too far with the porn and fantasizing.

 

I think you think mens sex drive is higher than what it actually is. Maybe for a few its true, but the rest have very usual, doable fantasies and once they're satisfied their mind instantly switches to sports and video games. Lol

 

I agree there are some crazy porn addicts out there which is usually rooted in some other issue They might have but they are not the majority of men.

[Lonely Ronin]

The difference is not about what some members aren't able to see or seperate. The difference is that you believe that those men are in the minority and other posters don't agree with that.

 

Well I believe you are in the minority who believe that those men aren't in the minority. And honestly how much time a day do you spend writing or thinking about porn? You talk about how you think "men" watch/use/read to much porn, but I would be willing to bet you spend a lot more time thinking/writing about porn than the average man spends watching/using/reading it. Have you considered how your own interactions with porn have distorted your view points?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

How do you know it's not a small part of the picture? Maybe you are the one magnifying it's importance and not the man. Just a thought, not a criticism.

 

Considering how much men look at porn, I don't think so. Plus what men in general say about fantisizing and stuff like that.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

50 shades of Grey is basically erotica. There is little "story", other than sexual tension.

 

Women may not have the book open, one hand holding and the other touching herself. But they are reading and then pulling from those scenes later when masturbating.

 

I masturbated to scenes from Legends of the Fall when I was younger--but not while actually watching the movie. They were just incorporated into my fantasies, for use later.

 

So because you masturbated to scenes from Legends of the Fall that means what I've said has no merit??

 

I don't think most women are physically masturbating to 50 Shades despite your experience with Legends of the Fall. I also noticed how you said this happened when you were younger. So what mainstream movies do you now use to masturbate too?

 

I never said "all" women are this way by the way.

 

If you personally have never used scenes from books or movies as a fantasy for masturbation (especially a very sexual book like 50 shades), you may be an outlier. That doesn't make the rest of us abnormal, wrong, or lacking in self control.

 

I have, but it was about the guy I was dating and me and him. The topic of this thread is how men wanting other women while being in a relationship.

 

I think sometimes it is lacking of self control It really depends how much it's being done and how often a woman is thinking of someone else other than what she already has. Does she need to think of other men? Does she want to watch movies where she gets excited by other men only to use her partner as a pogo stick?

 

 

How does it hurt my marriage and relationship if I masturbate Tristan from Legends of the Fall sometimes? How does it hurt my relationship if my H masturbates to a Bond Girl scene sometimes? I don't see the damage or the threat.

 

You didn't say you masturbated about Tristan from Legends of the Fall sometimes. You said you did that when you were younger. What mainstream movies do you use now and what men do you think about?

 

And you know I do see the "damange" or "threat" in it. So why do you persist in wanting to debate with me about it? You don't want to discuss the topic in the way it was presented either. Which is why you are trying to turn it around toward you and not talk about it in the context it was presistented.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I think you think mens sex drive is higher than what it actually is. Maybe for a few its true, but the rest have very usual, doable fantasies and once they're satisfied their mind instantly switches to sports and video games. Lol

 

I agree there are some crazy porn addicts out there which is usually rooted in some other issue They might have but they are not the majority of men.

 

I actually do believe the majority of men are addicted to pornography on some level. Which is why it's so popular today.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Well I believe you are in the minority who believe that those men aren't in the minority. And honestly how much time a day do you spend writing or thinking about porn? You talk about how you think "men" watch/use/read to much porn, but I would be willing to bet you spend a lot more time thinking/writing about porn than the average man spends watching/using/reading it. Have you considered how your own interactions with porn have distorted your view points?

 

So now I am being attacked because I talk about a subject that I think has changed men? A subject that gets brought up a lot around here? I might get a little too over zealous sometimes but I talk about it so much because I don't think people, especially men, take the issue seriously. I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall because ulimately, men like their porn and don't care the messages it sends about women or how women are used in it.

[Lonely Ronin]

So now I am being attacked because I talk about a subject that I think has changed men? A subject that gets brought up a lot around here? I might get a little too over zealous sometimes but I talk about it so much because I don't think people, especially men, take the issue seriously. I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall because ulimately, men like their porn and don't care the messages it sends about women or how women are used in it.

 

It's interesting how you avoided answer two direct questions.

[xxoo]

So because you masturbated to scenes from Legends of the Fall that means what I've said has no merit??

 

I don't think most women are physically masturbating to 50 Shades despite your experience with Legends of the Fall. I also noticed how you said this happened when you were younger. So what mainstream movies do you now use to masturbate too?

 

I really think you are wrong about this! I can't imagine any other reason so many women are so excited about 50 Shades, except that it kick-starts their libido (either for masturbation, or to think about during actual sex). It's not a well written book! It's popularity is directly related to it's value as erotica.

 

I think sometimes it is lacking of self control It really depends how much it's being done and how often a woman is thinking of someone else other than what she already has. Does she need to think of other men? Does she want to watch movies where she gets excited by other men only to use her partner as a pogo stick?

 

No one "needs" to, but we do sometimes.

 

It's a fantasy. It makes the sex hotter. She could share the fantasy with her partner, if he isn't threatened by it.

 

 

You didn't say you masturbated about Tristan from Legends of the Fall sometimes. You said you did that when you were younger. What mainstream movies do you use now and what men do you think about?

 

Legends came out when I was in my early 20s.

 

More recently, The Secretary provided some good material James Spader, mmmm.

 

I'm more likely, though, to fantasize about someone I know than a movie star. Doesn't mean I want to cheat or be with them, just that I've got a sexual curiosity about that person. I fantasize about my partner, too, but in a different way (raunchier fantasies about my partner--pushing sexual limits; more pedestrian fantasies about other men--just having a "new partner" experience).

 

 

And you know I do see the "damange" or "threat" in it. So why do you persist in wanting to debate with me about it? You don't want to discuss the topic in the way it was presented either. Which is why you are trying to turn it around toward you and not talk about it in the context it was presistented.

 

I thought I was on topic

[xxoo]

I actually do believe the majority of men are addicted to pornography on some level. Which is why it's so popular today.

 

Do you have any research to support that opinion?

[xxoo]

If there is any question why intelligent women read that 50 Shades drivel:

 

50 Shades of Grey: Why "Mommy Porn" is Hot

[Mme. Chaucer]

I thought I was on topic

 

I'm afraid that the topic is now porn, as usual. Please talk about porn. Some more.

[PJKino]

If there is any question why intelligent women read that 50 Shades drivel:

 

50 Shades of Grey: Why "Mommy Porn" is Hot

 

Actually the article really didnt prove your point as some of the women said what really intersted them was the relationship between the two people not the graututious sex

 

I think women are turned on by the submissivenes dynamic of it since i think most women deep down want to submit to a rich powerful male whos a little better then them even in the bedroom just not to the extent the book went with

Edited October 21, 2012 by PJKino

[xxoo]

Actually the article really didnt prove your point as some of the women said what really intersted them was the relationship between the two people not the graututious sex

 

I think women are turned on by the submissivenes dynamic of it since i think most women deep down want to submit to a rich powerful male whos a little better then them even in the bedroom just not to the extent the book went with

 

The relationship story turns women on, and fuels more sex. The relationship is the fantasy. The fantasy is a different type of relationship, and man, than they one they have.

[verhrzn]

Just jumping in here, but I wasn't even speaking so much about porn. Porn kinda, sorta, bothers me, but not really, because I se those as PURE fantasy. Almost as if these women don't really exist.... My guy will never meet them, will never know their personalities, will never interact with them except inside his head.

 

Occasionally I have elaborate daydream fantasies about various scenarios... I'm a maiden in medieval Ireland who falls in love with a fairy prince... Through my intelligence and moral honesty a priest becomes hopelessly enamored with me in 1800s Massachusetts... etc. (I far prefer my own fantasies than the cookie cutter ones in the Walmart romance section. Yuck.)

 

Anyway, these aren't REAL men I'm imagining, and the scenarios I'm envisioning aren't things I actually want to occur in real life. It's kind of like the adult version of playing with dolls. I see porn, for men, in a similar vein.

 

What I DO get concerned about are the real women my partner interacts with. Because those are REAL women, with real beauty and real personalities. They are not ridiculous fantasies (like porn or daydreams) but flesh and blood Fantasies.... amazingly hot and perfect women who any guy could fall hopelessly in love with.

 

I'd rather a guy watch and masturbate to porn, then fantasize about how the girl in his study group looks without clothes on.

[lovebug1234]

Not all men are like this, find out that will treat you right.