verhrzn Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 So this is a topic I've been posting frequently on, because I just don't get it. I have been told, multiple times, that men are visual and it's in their biology to "appreciate" other women's looks. I've been told that being attracted to other people and getting crushes in a long-term relationship is natural, and I shouldn't be threatened by it. But when I naturally extended this to assuming that all relationships should thus be non-monogamous, I was shot down, to the point of being told that most of the male posters would dump me on the spot if I suggested such a thing. So I really don't understand. How do you accept that your partner is constantly attracted/crushing on other women, but still wants to be monogamous? How does that make sense? How do you trust them when it seems like they're constantly being tempted, and it's "in their biology" to be always on the look-out for hot women? And when is your partner having a crush on another woman "natural," and when is it a red flag (and they are cheating and you should get yourself a good divorce lawyer)? 4
Pirouette Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 So this is a topic I've been posting frequently on, because I just don't get it. I have been told, multiple times, that men are visual and it's in their biology to "appreciate" other women's looks. Number one, have you ever talked to your boyfriend about this subject? He would be the definitive source on his own views. You have to realize that no one will have the exact same opinions and approach to this based on personal values, socialization, sexual drive, etc. Therefore, there is not just one way to "get." I also believe that women are visual creatures who can appreciate another man's attractiveness while in a relationship. I've been told that being attracted to other people and getting crushes in a long-term relationship is natural, and I shouldn't be threatened by it. I think getting crushes on other people in your life is taking it too far. If you're thinking of, fantasizing about, getting warm romantic feelings for another person, then yes there is a problem. But when I naturally extended this to assuming that all relationships should thus be non-monogamous, I was shot down, to the point of being told that most of the male posters would dump me on the spot if I suggested such a thing. Because while most of those posters can appreciate someone else's attractiveness, they do not get to the crush stage, and actually have no real desire to try and be with that new person. They have no interest in non-monogamy. In the western world, we are mostly socialized that monogamy is the norm and that affairs and multiple partners is a betrayal. So I really don't understand. How do you accept that your partner is constantly attracted/crushing on other women, but still wants to be monogamous? How does that make sense? How do you trust them when it seems like they're constantly being tempted, and it's "in their biology" to be always on the look-out for hot women? As I said above, if my partner was constantly crushing, I'd be concerned. As for constantly being tempted, I'd have to know how great the temptation is in them. In biology, there is more variation than there is similarity. And when is your partner having a crush on another woman "natural," and when is it a red flag (and they are cheating and you should get yourself a good divorce lawyer)? I don't think anyone ever said anything about crushes. 3
january2011 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Unless my SO tells me or shows me that he's crushing on/lusting after/wanting other women, I am not going to agree with posters on an internet board who only know that he's a man and state that, "all men are like this." Until I see it and hear it with my own eyes and ears, I am not going to believe it. 8
Author verhrzn Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Unless my SO tells me or shows me that he's crushing on/lusting after/wanting other women, I am not going to agree with posters on an internet board who only know that he's a man and state that, "all men are like this." Until I see it and hear it with my own eyes and ears, I am not going to believe it. Well, the guy I'm dating HAS demonstrated it. He is constantly playing it down, trying to make it "not a crush".... Like how he just really liked the attention, or it wasn't a crush just "social enjoyment" or how he was flirting with a girl just to get the ego boost of her liking him but would totally turn her down. In each instance he claims he totally wouldn't have dated the girls. But I think it'd be fair to call it a "crush" regardless. It is not just a "Hmm this girl is cute, moving on" it is a prolonged period of "This person is attractive and fun and I want something from them." 2
TigerCub Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 So I really don't understand. How do you accept that your partner is constantly attracted/crushing on other women, but still wants to be monogamous? How does that make sense? How do you trust them when it seems like they're constantly being tempted, and it's "in their biology" to be always on the look-out for hot women? I accept that my boyfriend finds other women attractive and still wont cheat on me, because I know that I find other men attractive and wont cheat on him. Also, even lets say he found a girl that he interacts with cute and had a "crush" on her, I'm still fine because I know what I bring to the relationship and that what we have (although physical attraction and chemistry is a part of it), is made up of way more than just that - I know how to keep him on his toes, keep him laughin, keep him having fun, keep him stimulated and interested, that we have a deeper connection - its not just looks or a physical attraction. So whatever, cute girls will come and go and so will the cute guys, but that doesn't mean that we'd throw all this away just for cute. 3
Author verhrzn Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 I accept that my boyfriend finds other women attractive and still wont cheat on me, because I know that I find other men attractive and wont cheat on him. Also, even lets say he found a girl that he interacts with cute and had a "crush" on her, I'm still fine because I know what I bring to the relationship and that what we have (although physical attraction and chemistry is a part of it), is made up of way more than just that - I know how to keep him on his toes, keep him laughin, keep him having fun, keep him stimulated and interested, that we have a deeper connection - its not just looks or a physical attraction. So whatever, cute girls will come and go and so will the cute guys, but that doesn't mean that we'd throw all this away just for cute. Okay, so essentially you accept it because you know you're way better than these chicks. What if he had a crush on someone he could have a way better relationship with... that throwing away whatever you have to be with her would actually be beneficial to him? Then what?
TigerCub Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Okay, so essentially you accept it because you know you're way better than these chicks. What if he had a crush on someone he could have a way better relationship with... that throwing away whatever you have to be with her would actually be beneficial to him? Then what? First of all - I never said that I was way better than any of those women. I said that the relationship is not just about being cute. 2nd. IF he happens to find someone that he thinks he wants more and is more compatible with - that's fine. I would let him go. I certainly wouldn't want someone that doesn't want to be with me, and if that would make him happy, I would want him to be happy and I will move on and find my happiness as well. Would it hurt? Of course, but it would be the right thing to do and in time, I will move on. 5
xxoo Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Okay, so essentially you accept it because you know you're way better than these chicks. What if he had a crush on someone he could have a way better relationship with... that throwing away whatever you have to be with her would actually be beneficial to him? Then what? If he thinks she is so much better, I'd encourage him to go be with her.... 4
Pirouette Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Well, the guy I'm dating HAS demonstrated it. He is constantly playing it down, trying to make it "not a crush".... Like how he just really liked the attention, or it wasn't a crush just "social enjoyment" or how he was flirting with a girl just to get the ego boost of her liking him but would totally turn her down. In each instance he claims he totally wouldn't have dated the girls. But I think it'd be fair to call it a "crush" regardless. It is not just a "Hmm this girl is cute, moving on" it is a prolonged period of "This person is attractive and fun and I want something from them." Well if he's constantly flirting with other girls and looking for attention elsewhere, and clearing displaying signs of having crushes on multiple women, dump him or tell him you're ok with him pursuing them like you mentioned before. I don't understand though why he wouldn't just move on to a new relationship. 1
kaylan Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Attraction isnt a choice. Action is. Just because Im attracted to other women, does not mean Ill allow myself to ever develop crushes. And it doesnt mean Ill ever want to act on my attraction. What Id have with my girlfriend/wife will always be better in my opinion because of the emotional bond. Plus I only date women I find super foxy...so why stray? Whenever I get turned on, Im going to want sex with her. Thats how it worked with my ex and I. 6
Author verhrzn Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Well if he's constantly flirting with other girls and looking for attention elsewhere, and clearing displaying signs of having crushes on multiple women, dump him or tell him you're ok with him pursuing them like you mentioned before. I don't understand though why he wouldn't just move on to a new relationship. Me neither. My theory is that due to his low self-esteem, he doesn't think he could get the girls he is developing crushes on, so he just sticks with what he can get (me.) This happened a lot to me with exes, in which the guys dated me out of desperation and low self-esteem. To the girls he flirts with, it seems like he's not necessarily interested in them dating-wise, but really likes the attention and ego-stroke. 2
Imajerk17 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 As it is with a few other female posters on here V, it is really hard to tell whether this is your insecurities or whether it is how your boyfriend is actually acting. Or a matter of both. If it is truly the way your boyfriend is acting, let him go. No one can "make" anyone stay who doesn't want to, and you deserve happiness too. You can't be happy being tied to someone who isn't treating you right. 10
xxoo Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I trust him because his attraction to me is paramount. The way I see it is this: if he were with her, and he saw me, he'd be crushing on me. More than crushing. And when is your partner having a crush on another woman "natural," and when is it a red flag (and they are cheating and you should get yourself a good divorce lawyer)? When his primary attraction and focus shifts away from you, you have a problem. He should make it clear that you are #1 in his mind. 1
Pirouette Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Me neither. My theory is that due to his low self-esteem, he doesn't think he could get the girls he is developing crushes on, so he just sticks with what he can get (me.) This happened a lot to me with exes, in which the guys dated me out of desperation and low self-esteem. To the girls he flirts with, it seems like he's not necessarily interested in them dating-wise, but really likes the attention and ego-stroke. Behaviour such as what you are describing is the behaviour of someone who is not satisfied, either with the relationship, or with themselves. Either way, they do not make good partners. People with low self-esteem are ripe for destructive behaviour and if they're aren't satisfied with the relationship, they'll leave eventually anyway, or make the both of you miserable. It you've experienced this before, then you should know the redflags to look for. 3
Negative Nancy Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 How do you accept that your partner is constantly attracted/crushing on other women, but still wants to be monogamous? How does that make sense? How do you trust them when it seems like they're constantly being tempted, and it's "in their biology" to be always on the look-out for hot women? Yes, doesn't make sense to me either... I bet even men cannot come up with a satisfactory explanation because there is none The truth is, most men are only monogamous because they have no other choice. Look at those men who actually have women throwing themselves at them: usually they take on the player lifestyle and change women more often than their underwear. If ALL men had those options, you can bet no man would settle down with a woman. Usually men also don't "dream" about settling down, men's talks among themselves usually revolves around "hot girls", "getting laid", "nailing b****s" etc. You don't find men dreaming about their wedding day to the extent women do, instead they are probably dreaming about having a harem or something like that, and you can bet that even on your wedding day he is undressing your best friend in his mind or pictures bending the wedding waitress over and banging her. That's men for you, charming ain't it So my advice is, don't get too attached to one man, always keep in mind that one day he is going to screw you over when the opportunity presents itself. Men want variety, this is what we are constantly told on here, yet when we try to accept this fact and live with it, we are chased down with pitchforks. 6
kaylan Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 PS - dump the loser. Hes disrespectful. Light flirting is ok every now and again. But constantly doing it while blatantly attention seeking is over the line. And hes an idiot to do it in front of you or to run and tell you about it. 6
xxoo Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 The truth is, most men are only monogamous because they have no other choice. That's bull. It is not that hard for an average guy, with a handful of charm, to get laid. 5
january2011 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 V - from what you've described then I agree with Kaylan and those who say DTMFA. From experience, it's normal to feel some attraction to others when you are in an LTR, but you do not have to act upon those feelings. Sane, rational adults with good impulse control and who love their partners are meant to be able to control themselves. Risking a partnership over a potential fleeting attraction is not the behaviour of someone who is suited to a long-term relationship. DTMFA. 6
threebyfate Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Since all human beings like food, does this mean that all human beings gorge themselves to vomiting, whenever possible? 5
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Since all human beings like food, does this mean that all human beings gorge themselves to vomiting, whenever possible? No but a good portion of the world is over-weight. How many men masturbate to other women and picture having sex with them even while they are in a relationship?
threebyfate Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 No but a good portion of the world is over-weight.A very small portion compared to the global population. The majority of human beings enjoy sex. Does this equate to all of them cheating? 1
udolipixie Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Probably suited to accept your partner wanting other women by realizing it's human nature to be attracted to others, men tend to regard women as visuals not human beings, and it's highly unlikely for a woman to have a male partner where she's the main star of his attraction. Probably better suited to have little trust in your male partner as it seems men are only as faithful as their opinions. Probably best suited to consider it a red flag when your partner has or can have the opportunity to indulge in a temptation.
udolipixie Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 why do you hate all men? Unsure where's the hatred of men in the post you quoted.
Revolver Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 If a guy is doing this, hes settling for the woman hes currently with because its better then nothing. Ive seen Guys have "settle" girlfriends all the time. The minute he thinks he has a chance to get a better looking women he'll ditch the one he has right now instantly 2
xxoo Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 How many men masturbate to other women and picture having sex with them even while they are in a relationship? Probably most, at least on occasion. But that doesn't mean they'd prefer to be with them than with you. 1
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